she is the one..., how can i do my part

[Jay34]

how come some days it feels fine, like it will be ok, then one day you think about everything and you think you lost your best friend and maybe you will go on and never feel the same way, she is contacting me more and more, today she said please talk to me again and its wearing on me day by day, im still strong not to contact her, but is this a sign that she might be coming back with a real apology or i have no clue what to do.

[Jay34]

i got my first message that actually said something i think, it said i know i hurt you badly, i did, i screwed up, i hope one day you forgive me enough to talk to me. im still the same person you fell in love with and talked to every day, i miss you, i hope to hear from you eventually.

 

what do i do from here ?

[nature]

Jay34, i've read through all your posts...these words in bold of yours below struck me throughout your posts....

 

a lot of the things earlier in the relationship were caused by me, i was mean and cold at times, and i know she is very sensitive and it hurt her very badly,

 

Why were you mean & cold to her?

 

she really did offer me everything, every opportunity to spend time with her and we truly were a team, but i as the man didn't act like one and let her down in a lot of regards.

Why didn't you act like a team and why did you let her down? Because you knew you had her, so you felt you didn't need to try? Because it seems to me that acting cold to her now when she is reaching out to you, is the same thing that caused your relationship to go down hill in the first place. Did you think you'd always have her, so you felt you didn't need to try?

i can remember when we used to have our little fights she always came back running, apologizing, even for things that weren't her fault, she did not expect it to be really over this time, she thought i was blowing smoke.

 

Why whenever there was a fight did you sit back and make her be the one to come to you? You sound very stubborn. And stubborness can be detrimental to a relationship. It is about give and take. It sounds like you treated her like a doormat, and she took it for quite a long time because she did love you. You sound like you have anger and control issues...saying that she figured you were just blowing smoke this time. Maybe you need to let down your guard? If this girl is the one who always came to you, even if it wasn't her fault, and is still coming to you, she is goign to get tired of this at some point. It is one-sided, as it sounds. Girls eventually tire of that, which is why she probably stopped tryign the last few months of your relationship. After she being the one to put more effort in and carry the relationship, she probably got sick and tired of it.

 

in a way i think the way i felt the last 3 months is a lot like the way she felt when i took her for granted, i never cheated though, but i didn't appreciate everything i had, and now circumstances are different and it would take a lot of work to fix it

 

Yes it probably is, and you probably deserved it. Taking someone for granted can only last so long. eventually they will tire of it, which it sounds like she did. You got a taste of your own medicine. so now what are you goign to do about it? You are punishing her and making this all her issue to fix. When you are the one who created the issue in the first place. This will not be a healthy relationship ever, if you are not willing to meet her half way.

 

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]i just want to know is there anything i can do for initially screwing up months back, not making her a priority, in all honesty really not being a man, i mean i lead her on in a lot of senses, promises of a big trip and never came through

 

Punishing her now and giving her the silent treatment is not going to better things. If anything, she is the one who should be ignoring you. Yet she isn't. Still she is the one coming to you. And you sit back and expect it. She will tired of this. I guarantee.

 

This girl loves you. She put her full effort in during the relationship. You did not. Therefore she got tired of it and started to pull away. Can you blame her? She was probably hoping that by doing that you may see the errors of your ways. And instead, you are punishing her further and acting cold.

 

She deserves better than that. Than to be taken for granted. I think you want a one sided relationship, wherin she does what you want. Am I right? You need to own up to your stuff and realize that you caused her to pull away in the first place. She loves you. Stop with the passive aggressive behaviour. Meet her half way and talk. You can make this a good relationship. But you need to stop the stubbornness.

[Jay34]

Thanks Nature

 

but to be honest i was still very supportive through all the months and was there for her all the time. to be honest even though i felt i did take her for granted in certain aspects, i never felt like i wasn't there for her. but since july the tables had turned, i was doing everything to see her, everything i could to make her happy and she just wasn't reciprocating, i did understand her fear that i wouldn't be there for her, but i tried almost everything i could, she very coldly stopped answering my calls, i want to meet her half way, i do, more than anything, but right now i don't want to put myself out there just to hear she wants to hurt me and tell me she has someone else, i know she could call and we could probably talk for 2 hours like nothing had happened, but i dont know what is the best way to approach it, i hurt her very badly but i did everything i could to make it right, so i do want to talk to her again i do, but all the jealous making, manipulation all of that has to stop, i just want to know she wants to work it out and maybe talk again slowly, but im afraid to put myself out there without knowing she is in the same mindset, she might be, but what if she is doing all this to get me to call her and hurt me more, i doubt it but i cant be sure.

[Jay34]

would it be appropriate to answer her message, im torn on what to do, its been 2 months now.... if so how do i answer it.

[nature]

You could send her a msg saying, "are you finished playing your little jealousy games? Because I am not into playing little games, throwing other men and women into each others face. If you are finished with your games and would like to have a mature, adult conversation regarding the relationship we had, let me know."

 

Send her the clear msg that you are not playing into the games. See how she responds then.

[sedgwick]

 

we have now been broken up for a month and a half, she has been contacting me, pretty consistently 2-3 times a week, how she misses me and this and that, i haven't answered because i don't know what to say.

 

i would love to get back together with her, but i feel like right now its more her who has to really do the effort,

 

Jeez, how much more effort does she have to make?!?! She's calling several times a week, you're ignoring her. What would be an adequate amount of effort for you?

 

And for god's sake, no "send her a message," please! This is not an appropriate exchange to have via text or email. This is ONLY going to be resolved in a face-to-face meeting.

[samspade]

Jeez, how much more effort does she have to make?!?! She's calling several times a week, you're ignoring her. What would be an adequate amount of effort for you?

 

And for god's sake, no "send her a message," please! This is not an appropriate exchange to have via text or email. This is ONLY going to be resolved in a face-to-face meeting.

She needs to make clear her intentions, for starters. If she just wants to talk to him so he'll forgive her, be friends with her, and so she can tell him about her new boyfriend, then forget it.

 

Read over Jay's posts. It's obvious this girl can't handle the possibility that he might be mad at her, or simply over her. She wants his approval and forgiveness for her own ego. Until she communicates to him that she wants him back, there is no reason to entertain this b.s. and risk a huge emotional setback.

 

If Jay34 can handle the possibility that she just wants to be friends, and/or the possibility that she has a new guy in her life, then yeah, more power to him. Otherwise, all bets should be off.

 

[Jay34]

i think this might be a big game, today she left a message that she was scared and needed to talk to me because i might be involved, there is nothing i can think of that that would be, except the obvious which it couldnt be.

[nature]

Yes, she is trying to manipulate you into talking to her. Hence, the "I'm scared" msg. She obviously really wants to talk to you. And she's obviously not over you. But if you are still fearful of speaking to her and what she wants to say to you, I still think you should keep your distance until you know what she wants to say. If you call her now, and she doesn't say what you want to hear, you'll just hurt more.

 

So if I were you, I'd send her a direct, professional, non-emotional sounding msg saying: "Look, I've had enough of these little games. what is it you want to speak to me about and what is it you want from me? If you cannot spit it out, then I don't have time for your games". Or something like that. Word it however you would.

 

If she writes back that she just misses you and your friendship, then put her on ignore. If she says she loves you and wants to be with you, then call her.

 

See if

[Jay34]

i want to respond, but i can't get myself too, maybe i should just to make sure it isn't for real and see where shee is coming from. i dont want to shoot myself in the foot, and say too much, i really don't know what to say if i say something, basically to state why is she contacting me. my emotions have been on edge since receiving that message earlier today

[nature]

Well if you're feeling like that, then just do it. Pick up the phone and call her. What harm can it do. She's already hurt you enough, so either way, thing will either get better, or you'll just get a bit more hurt. And if it's a bit more hurt, then it will just give you more incentive to stay NC

[nature]

I do think she wants you back though. And i think you two need to meet half way. Right now you think she's in the power position, whereas she probably thinks you are.

[Jay34]

how can i remain in power though ? because i feel i am to some extent, is a call 2 much ? what should i discuss and what shouldnt i

[Jay34]

i think i will just log on messenger tomarro and answer, i figure i have nothing to lose, if she has something to say she will say it, and if she doesn't i have more reason to believe it was a game and that she had nothing important to tell me. who cares about another guy, i feel ok with contacting her because it has been 2 months and emotions have cooled down. never say i love you i know

[Jay34]

i'm just curious, what should i not say, i figure i will talk to her tomorrow, i really have been doing some stuff for myself but i figure say noting just im busy, i still love her but i just want to know wat not to do i dont want to screw anything up if there is a future.

[samspade]

You are playing with fire.

 

I don't believe in this talk about "go ahead and call her, you're already hurt," nonsense. Unless there really is no stopping you from doing this and you need to learn your lesson.

 

You are way too fixated on the remote possibility that by ignoring her, you ruin some kind of potential reunion. THIS is your problem. You need a paradigm shift. You need to realize that you weren't born with this woman, you sure as hell won't die without her. Quit attaching your happiness to her actions, and get on with your life. Whether she chooses to join you for the ride is up to her, and she will make it crystal clear to you if she wants you back.

 

All the talk on these boards about "knowing I did everything I could to save it," and "closure," it's just a smokescreen for a kind of masochism born out of emotional weakness and desperation. The only way you will be empowered is by living your life on your terms, not hers.

[nature]

SamSpade is so right. Listen to him. I figured you were building up to calling or talking to her anyways, so find out first what she wants before you do. But SamSpade is right. You shouldn't have to find out first.

 

You seemed determined to convince yourself to talk to her, so I figured you're hurt enough already, so if you get hurt some more, so be it. But again, SamSpade is right. You shouldn't have to feel this way. Follow his advice. He is correct.

[samspade]

Thanks, nature. I know where you were coming from. Sometimes people are so determined to do more damage that it's the only way for them to learn.

 

But I think it's more important that people learn to get over these little chess games and stop worrying so much about whether someone else loves them and wants to be with them. The best relationships take very little effort when it comes to attraction and confession of feelings like that. And the best way to attract higher-quality s.o.'s is to live your life happily whether you have a girl on your arm or not. This is especially true after the relationship's expiration date, but still some people seem determined to push the boulder back up the hill.

 

So even though some people say, "Go for it, nothing to lose," I still would rather spare someone losing their dignity and having to take a huge step back in their recovery. Yeah, NC can be tough, but that's what this site is for, to help you through that.

[Jay34]

thanks for the advice, to be honest i didn't know what to expect when i called, i really didn't expect to talk about the relationship, i just wanted to see if there really is something important going on, but i figure if it was so important she would have left a detailed message saying exactly what it was, i am trying to live my life, and to be honest i don't necessarily think i would be with her, i guess i just wanted to give her a call to feel her out since she said it was important and could involve me, it wouldn't be a chat really i would just ask what was important. i just wanted to know in the event she said she wanted me back or missed us or anything to that extent that i would not act stupid, i am not over her 100% but the possibility of a relationship again would only happen if she did it right, so thats what i meant, basically if i did talk to her in the future and she brought that up, do i straight out tell her that i dont know if i can trust you and you have to honestly build it back. i just don't know where to go if it gets to that point.

[irishsimon]

Jay34..I am a complete noob on here. I've read all your posts and IMO i think you may have to consider you are driving yourself nuts as some sort of penance for what you did earlier in your relationship. Just explore that a little. It may be nothing or something more profound. You will never have good relationship with this girl if you don't let that go first. It happened. You messed up and her in the process. You are completely normal. Let it go. I've done the same thing and the guilt and shame I felt at a base level ruined it when I reconnected with the girl and she walked all over me. But only because I let her as punishment.

 

By not calling her you have all the power.. isnt that great!..an imbalance already. That would be a nice start to rekindling romance. You need to think about what NC is doing to you. Is this messing you up as you don't know and cant find out since you are NC? Not knowing can be the mother of all headf**ks. So..maybe just find out?

 

I see you have one of two choices though I'm sure you have many more I havent thought of. Its pretty late in the UK -

 

1. start to try and let her go and move on.

 

2. accept the past and stop freaking her out by calling her or answering her.

 

Put yourself out of your misery (that's what it sounds like), use the power you have gained to call her - whatever ...and just ask her straight out. She may never ask you for fear of rejection due to your previous rejection.

 

You have the power so use it. If its bad news you will feel better more quickly than you imagine as you have done some fabulous work and will gain a level of closure. If it's good news then again you know and again you can move forward.

 

As i see it, only once you have done this will you begin to release this mealstrom of worry, indecision and inertia in your head. To me it seems more problematic than your breakup. It must be a nightmare to ignore 20 calls. It would make me feel really crap.

 

But then what do I know..its just personal experience.

[samspade]

By not calling her you have all the power.. isnt that great!..an imbalance already. That would be a nice start to rekindling romance. You need to think about what NC is doing to you. Is this messing you up as you don't know and cant find out since you are NC? Not knowing can be the mother of all headf**ks. So..maybe just find out?

 

I see you have one of two choices though I'm sure you have many more I havent thought of. Its pretty late in the UK -

 

1. start to try and let her go and move on.

 

2. accept the past and stop freaking her out by calling her or answering her.

 

This is not about Jay having power. It's about him moving forward, which is much easier without getting roped into her manipulative b.s.

 

Think about what NC is doing to him? Let's be straight for a minute. He hasn't GONE NC, because he keeps checking out her Myspace page, reading her texts, and signing on to IM in case she might message him. This is NOT NC. No Contact includes blocking and avoiding communication from her, as well. So the mindf*ck you refer to is his doing, because he has refused to let her go, because people keep telling him he should find out something he may not want to find out.

 

And he is not "freaking her out." She is freaking out all on her own. Why? Because her games aren't working on him - at least not from her POV. In any case, that isn't his fault, and it's not HIS problem.

 

Jay34 is only freaking out because people like you keep teasing him with the SAME possibility that SHE is teasing him with - the idea that she is too sheepish to tell him what she really wants, and the chance of a reunion. You're an accessory to her childish manipulation. If she wants him back, she will deliver the message, loud and clear. Not through cryptic and threatening texts, and certainly not by saying she is "scared" and that he "might be involved" but not clearly spelling out what the hell that is supposed to mean.

 

As i see it, only once you have done this will you begin to release this mealstrom of worry, indecision and inertia in your head. To me it seems more problematic than your breakup. It must be a nightmare to ignore 20 calls. It would make me feel really crap.

 

But then what do I know..its just personal experience.

 

Your experience should have taught you that when someone you don't want to talk to tries to call you 20 times, you block the number.

 

Now, I'm in agreement with everyone here that Jay34 should go ahead and get to the bottom of this, but ONLY if he is prepared to discover 1. She has a new beau, 2. She just wants to be friends, or 3. She wants to rope him in so she can turn the tables on him. Or some combination of those three.

 

If he can handle all of that, more power to him. Otherwise, he needs to stop allowing himself to be tortured by her, and yes, he needs to stop blaming himself for however it ended. The best way is complete NC.

[irishsimon]

That sounds like a fairly bitter response. I'll ignore the 'people like you' bit since I'm new. I think thats a bit rude really.

 

I didn't tease him with any possibility. You made that up to validate your argument for NC. I could say you are teasing him with the possibility that she is just out to manipulate him..but that would sound a bit silly.

 

Jay34 is messing with his own head by keeping this up. He can choose to end that now and find out or just walk away. Those are the only choices I see. He wont let this go in a hurry as he wants to be with her. The sooner he finds out the better. If he is not doing NC then he cant go back to square one. It just seems like a ridiculous game now and if he gets her under these conditions he might end up with a bitter and broken woman. But that will only come out later on and cause so much more heartache for them both.

 

You do not have a crystal ball, you do not know what she thinks or feels. Only she knows that and jay34 would probably be much better off finding out by asking her at this stage. Its up to him how he handles that. This diff of opinion on this post is really about what she is actually doing. He wont know until he asks her, sees it in her face or her hears it in her voice.

 

If she is being manipulative then he can use the knowledge he has acquired to realise that and just walk away and THEN go NC. If he's afraid of bad news then he will never be totally at ease with it all as he will never have confirmation or closure.. and may be forever checking her web pages and not be ble to go NC.

 

Nobody would ever call me 20 times lol. I would have picked up and asked WTF? after 3 or 4 tries. I dont fancy messing with people's heads no matter what their agenda. If people dont respect me that's their problem but I will never fall to their level. I find out what's going on and make my deciison based on facts. I have never blocked anyone's number in my life. I have never needed to as I faced any fears such the one Jay34 fears now. It's not easy. I still get **** scared at all sorts of things but I'd rather face them than procrastinate.

 

And i do agree with the point further back that Jay34 shouldnt have to ask..but it seems that he needs to in this case...cant you see he wants to and just support him as he tries to do what HE FEELS is best for him?

[samspade]

That sounds like a fairly bitter response. I'll ignore the 'people like you' bit since I'm new. I think thats a bit rude really.

 

I didn't tease him with any possibility. You made that up to validate your argument for NC. I could say you are teasing him with the possibility that she is just out to manipulate him..but that would sound a bit silly.

 

You're right, I should have said "responses like this" since you are new. But rest assured, I am not bitter, though I've been called that many times here. I just believe in protecting #1, and finding the fastest road to recovery, and often the kneejerk reaction is to call me "bitter" or "misogynist" (though I thank you for not going that far, haha).

 

You do not have a crystal ball, you do not know what she thinks or feels. Only she knows that and jay34 would probably be much better off finding out by asking her at this stage. Its up to him how he handles that. This diff of opinion on this post is really about what she is actually doing. He wont know until he asks her, sees it in her face or her hears it in her voice.

 

You're right, I don't know what she thinks or feels. But the difference in opinion is not about what she is actually doing. I don't think Jay should CARE about what she is doing. He should be taking care of himself, getting on with his life, and not dwelling on the past. If her actions lead her to actually tell him something important, such as "I love you and want to be with you again," THEN he can worry about her. Otherwise, my stance is that this about Jay34 changing his attitude and realizing that finding out what she's up to isn't going to make everything okay.

 

If she is being manipulative then he can use the knowledge he has acquired to realise that and just walk away and THEN go NC. If he's afraid of bad news then he will never be totally at ease with it all as he will never have confirmation or closure.. and may be forever checking her web pages and not be ble to go NC.

 

Maybe so. Or he can just go NC and avoid all the trouble. This is not a situation in which he needs to "face the music" and hear bad news. The information we're talking about is not his concern - UNLESS she wants him back, in which case she will tell him. When somebody wants to be with you, they don't beat around the bush.

 

Otherwise, there is no need for confirmation or closure. He can close the book on this thing whenever he wants to without playing her games. And right now, that's all she's doing, playing games.

 

I have never blocked anyone's number in my life. I have never needed to as I faced any fears such the one Jay34 fears now.

 

The point is, receiving her calls and messages is not doing him any good. This isn't about facing fears, like jumping off the high diving board. This is about not putting yourself through misery. Yeah, I agree, he is making it worse by wondering. But if he takes control and stops permitting these half-a$sed forms of contact, and stops entertaining his curiosity on her myspace page, the wonder will eventually disappear...and with it the sorrow and heartache. MUCH faster than if he calls her and she disappoints him. Again, I don't know for sure that will happen, but I'd be willing to put the odds at about 85%.

 

cant you see he wants to and just support him as he tries to do what HE FEELS is best for him?

 

This is a big part of why people come to this site. They know what the FEEL is best for them, and they're hoping to get reinforcement of that. But feeling and thinking are two different things. I know what it's like to be heartbroken and make foolish, emotional decisions. Why? Because I wasn't thinking. Jay came here asking for advice, and I'm not going to tell him what I think is the wrong thing to do just because it is what he wants to hear. He's actually been open minded about what I've said, and I can tell he's torn because his mind and his heart are at war. Those of us who are giving him advice are not emotionally involved in this situation, so we can at least be trusted to give clear-minded advice. People do all kinds of insane things when they're feeling and not thinking, and that doesn't mean they're doing the right thing, or in this case, the smart thing.

[Jay34]

Today i spoke with her, partly because i saw something concerning a health concern that could involve me....

 

and the fact is i probably should have found it out and ended it at that, but pretty soon she got into talk about the relationship and missing me, saying how i was the only one who understood her completely and now she finds herself doing it and it like no one else is like me. she said she wasnt trying to win me back but to appreciate me. she wanted to know how i was doing and i let her know very little,

 

when she asked me about someone else or deleting her pictures i just said we have our own personal lives. it sounded like she wants to keep me along to make it easier for her to let me go. she said she gave up because of the distance. but how she didn't realize how what we had was so rare and hard to find. she was crying when we first talked because she missed me so much. how i was the only one to understand her ever. basically praising me, and i was very subdued, she made it like she wasn't going to push anything, that she just wanted to talk,

 

everything i wanted to hear she said, and to be honest the point is true, we are far away, and i told her i could never be friends, i said when im in a relationship i give me all out, but when someone chooses not to be with me, im not friends, she made sure to tell me everytime she thought of me, every little thing, she never forgot all the memories i thought she did, its like the first time she appreciated it so much, if we were guranteed to be closer we would have made it. thats her words

 

she said she thinks i dont want her anymore but to be honest i dont believe that, she was very interested in what was going on in my life and i kept it brief, to be honest she poured her heart out, told me what a great guy i was, but i can't say if the reasons were to ease her guilt or if she really missed me that much. she thinks i have just blocked her out and forgot about her, which isn't true but i guess thats what she thinks. i didnt know what to say there, so i just said i had no choice.

 

al the reasons for us not being together are right money, distance and age, but she says its a decision that you doesn't know if it was right, but basically it was over long before it ended. i said that one.

 

she stated though she wasn't trying to win me back she just wanted to talk, but all those feelings she mentioned that she still feels everyday make it hard for me to believe she has moved on, she kind of put it on me like i was trying to move on, and i told her i had no choice, im just unsure if i was suppossed to put myself out there. i had to move on, i had no choice.

 

i ended up saying i still don't think we should talk, that being friends was an insult, but i don't even know if i believe that.

 

to be honest i can tell i still have a lot of chemistry with her, but she doesn't sound like she was really moving on.

 

i just don't know how this would ever work, as friends i know it wouldn't be enough and as boyfriend and girlfriend it woudln't work.

 

i kept mostly all of my emotions in, i just couldn't let any of them out. it was like the opposite of what is usually was, i wanted to say i missed you everyday, now she has this image in her head that im some cold guy i think. when in reality i feel it just as much as she did.

 

its amazing how after 2 months this person is still the same person you care so much about.

 

she keeps saying she screwed up and made a mistake, but never asked to be with me again, its like the best we can be is friends.....

 

it is realistic, it even makes sense, it clicks but it doesnt make it easier, it seemed she eased her guilt, minimized her actions and praised me the whole time, meanwhile i do feel a bit better, but a bit worse because i don't know where to go from here.

 

i can't be friends with this girl, i want to be able to see her, i want to be able to be with her, but friends is all it can be, it all really makes sense, the fact is we couldn't be with eachother, but that doesn't make me want it less. doesn't make it easier to get over.

 

she said she will let me know about her health concern tomarrow, i just wonder how i should play it off, i hate playing games, i even hated not being able to spill my guts like she did, to have to act like she meant nothing, meanwhile she means the world. was i right in doing this?

 

i just don't think anything but being with her could be close to it. being friends and knowing otherwise would hurt to much, she has no one else shes with.

 

honestly though how can you be friends when obviously she has feeling, you have feelings, to be honest we couldnt be friends in a friends sense. i want to be with her one day but maybe this gives me what i need to move on.

 

everything seemed nostalgic from her point, though she thinks its a huge mistake and it doesnt come along often, she thinks about sex with me, all that stuff, i know we would be together if she lived around the corner. we both know it.

 

i think we both haven't moved on, its such an awkward situation, id hate to give her all the benefits of the relationship as a friend when i know deep down we could be something, but could this be the start of rekindling something, or is it just a dead end.

 

i dont know after all of this if i feel any better. probably not.

 

I'm not really sure where to go from this, to be honest i only let my guard down very slightly, i did talk to her for awhile but i kept my true feelings inside, clearly by her words though she doesn't want me in those terms.

 

though i think maybe if we started talking like this is could lead to something, but i don't want to give myself false hope or anything. to be honest i don't think i really want it to get to that point where i can discuss with her other men, i dont want to be that guy.

 

so how do i go about her contacts and her next contacts, if any, to be honest im still afraid to put the feelings out there, but i dont want to be some casual friend, i know its impossible after a few months to feel everything at once, but if i do talk to her i want to invite her in with my guard up.

 

if i am way offbase and just emotional and talking like a moron please tell me, id rather know then do something stupid.

 

Thanks Again