she is the one..., how can i do my part

[Jay34]

we were together for nearly 1.5 years, things started to go bad the last 2-3 months, especially since we were far apart, but things got bad when she moved back home, she lost all hope that we would get a place together, and she did things that hurt me, including kissing someone,

 

 

i forgave her because things had been going bad and we had been apart so long, though at the time i did break up and she couldn't take it, not even for a week or 2. and i did give her than chance.

 

but after that moment things weren't the same, she was never as close to me, i felt like i was putting all the work in and basically she just called me out of boredom, after having a visit things went down hill, the calls got less and less, the disrespect, and i finally had had enough and i broke up with her, i felt like i was doing all the work

 

i didn't feel like she really cared anymore, now this being said a lot of the things earlier in the relationship were caused by me, i was mean and cold at times, and i know she is very sensitive and it hurt her very badly, she really did offer me everything, every opportunity to spend time with her and we truly were a team, but i as the man didn't act like one and let her down in a lot of regards.

 

we have now been broken up for a month and a half, she has been contacting me, pretty consistently 2-3 times a week, how she misses me and this and that, i haven't answered because i don't know what to say.

 

i would love to get back together with her, but i feel like right now its more her who has to really do the effort, i tried so much after i knew i screwed up, and after that it never seemed like enough, is there anyway to balance it, i don't want this thing to fail.....

 

but i need to set up boundaries, and i cant feel like her boredom relief,

 

 

 

how can i do this

 

 

sometimes i wonder how this can work because we are so far away, so young and we don't have the money, so even if everything started working out again how could we do it, but when we were in love we never thought that way, we said we can make it work, so i think that is the key aspect.

 

i feel like she is my other half and she at least says the same, but i feel like her commitment clearly isn't there anymore, in a way like i was just there until the closer person came along, and i felt like it was only a matter of time, i didn't want to be hurt and i couldn't do anything right now to be there, nor did she seem to want it, i made all the arrangements and could only get a maybe from her.

 

is it worth answering her call, seeing where she comes from, all of the times she contacts me she says she misses me and dreams about me, so i think she doesn't want to just be my friend, but i can't be in this back and forth thing, if she wants to be with me, she has to commit to it as hard as it may be or just forget it....

 

because i hate that feeling where its like you feel you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't.....

 

Another thing is always doing things to get me jealous, i think its her insecurity, but its something i really picked up on at the end of the relationship, mostly related to other men.

 

i just want to make sure i don't put myself out there, i want her to do the work this time, i need her to say the right things and continue doing them, to actually commit to something, i always try to be the fixer, and do her favors, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere,

 

what can i do, i want to get back together, and possibly rekindle things, how can i do it without putting myself out there and appearing needy, last time i gave her everything right away,and pretty much immediately things went back to where they had been. i need her to be just as much as a help to me as i am to her, i just have a hard time describing this stuff, but i feel like now if i disconnect myself for awhile, i can really speak my mind and then she is the one that has to get me.

 

do i still need more time to see things through.

 

 

any help appreciated

 

Thanks

[samspade]

She is the one...the one what?

 

If you mean "the one," well, even if there were just one person out there for you, she ain't it. Not from what you just wrote.

 

Sounds pretty simple. Quit working so hard and quit thinking about it. If she wants you, she'll come to you. Read some of the posts around here, you'll find a lot of stories just like yours. And don't try to tell us yours is "different."

 

Move on. Don't entertain her silly games.

[Jay34]

so how do i handle these casual contacts, do i just continue to ignore them ? until i get a message that says something like i want to be with you, or w/e

[Geishawhelk]

Just ignore them, full stop.

Take them for what they are.

Casual contacts.

Move on!

[Jay34]

ok that's what i have been doing for a month now, i did for the first time a week ago, get a message that says how she misses me so much and called her voicemail just to hear my voice, this one really made me think, i didn't respond though, i didn't know what to say, would you consider that more than a casual contact.

 

i still figure if she really wanted to be with me, i would be getting a message with more clear cut intentions, but i'm not sure.

 

as time goes by i tend to forget all the little things that got to me about her, and remember all the good times.

 

this is my first real breakup so i hope im doing good so far lol

[Jay34]

is it true like i read a lot on here that if she wanted to really be with me despite my ignoring her hello's and i dream about yous ? and the casual how are you doings, that she would still contact me if she wanted to be with me and basically spell it out, because i can remember when we used to have our little fights she always came back running, apologizing, even for things that weren't her fault, she did not expect it to be really over this time, she thought i was blowing smoke.

 

i have no entertained any of her contact since late November, when she decided to stop answering me , i feel like right now i just wouldn't know what to say if she contacted me, i figure if she wants to really be with me and not want to see if i am still thinking about her, she will leave a message that says how much she wants to be with me, or something to that extent, anything short of that and an apology don't seem like enough for me.

 

do i at least entertain her next contact ?

[samspade]

If she wants to be with you, she will make it crystal clear. Everything else is just talk.

[Jay34]

thanks man, i figured, just needed to hear it from someone else

[lonelygurl]

Have you considered meeting with her and telling her what you have said on here? Tell her where you stand. What you want and expect.

 

I mean you said you broke it off right? She has been contacting you with no response. If she gets no reponse what can she really say or do?

 

At this point it is going to be up to you whether you are going to let her back into your life, and on your terms. Or whether you are going to continue to ignore her and get on with your life without her.

[Jay34]

i can't meet her because right now we aren't in close distance, the best i could do is talk to her on the phone, i am stuck in the middle, i don't have a clue what to say if i call and if i don't call i might lose her, i broke it off yes, but i believe in her head she was just waiting until the right guy came along then i would have been gone, there was a period where she wasn't answering my calls awhile ago, the period when there was another interest, so i go how come you never answer and you call me 15 minutes before you have to do something, especially since she was the type that wanted to talk for 3 hours a day, and she tells me its not like i have much free time on my hands, i call you around all the things im doing, that made me feel so unimportant. so i do want to be in contact im just not sure how to go about it, i want to be in complete control, because after all the bs i took, i cant fall back into what has happened.

[Jay34]

im glad i didn't answer her contact because this time, she proceded to say she just wants to talk and that i am being stubborn. is she really this stupid ?

[Jay34]

i received what i think today was my first legitimate contact, or so i think, it said how much she loved me and cared about me, how she is worried about me, and then said what do i need to do to make you talk to me ?

 

i thought maybe this could be considered at something...

 

then i log onto myspace for the first time in awhile and she posted a bulletin, and of course i should have known better than to look at it.... one that shocked me was are you single, it said no. and the last text she received was from her ex b4 me. there were a few related to me in which she answered my name or a general answer, but i know. i figure after reading that that her intentions in contacting me were not as they seemed, that they were more manipulative, but as for the relationship question i feel its releating to me, i could be wrong, either way its great to be able to see it for what it is now and not be mad, slightly annoyed, but for the first time i see the behavior from the outside. i figure its all to get a response out of me, i was half thinking of responding to the message but after i read the myspace bulletin it just makes it easier not too,

 

i just don't understand, if you really love someone there would be no grey areas, no making me think, no making me jealous, none of that

[Jay34]

just curious does anyone have any other advice, i got a message that said what do i need to do for you to talk to me ? but everything is still mixed up in my head, i'd hate to talk to her and find out she is with someone else, thats why im afraid to put myself out there without something that says i want to be with you, not just an i love you or anything like that. she has contacted me nearly 15-20 times now though, so i don't want to run out of oppurtunities, i still want to feel it out, but i really can't put myself out there, in a way im afraid to, but i do need to set my boundaries, if we ever got back, not just right back together and things go back to the way it was, i just have a hard time putting all this into words. any suggestions

[samspade]

Why do you think her myspace relationship status pertains to you?? For all you know, she's met some new guy and wants to talk to you so you two can be friends.

 

You have one-itis, you need to stop thinking about this girl and find someone new. It sounds like you two had a less-than-stellar relationship, so why bother trying to jump-start it now? Find some other women, it will clear your mind.

[Jay34]

thats very true about the relationship, its not the status it was a bulletin, on the answer it said she wasn't single. i guess she could be seeing someone else, i don't want to think about it, i guess i just won't respond then, wait until i get something that is clear cut, i couldn't bare to be friends with her, either way to post a bulletin like that was clearly aimed at me. this stuff is so childish.

[samspade]

Oh, I get it...like one of those surveys?

 

In any case, think about it: SHE wouldn't risk looking like a fool in front all her myspace friends by saying she's "not single" if she didn't know where you stood or not. Would you, right now, call yourself spoken for to send some kind of hint to her when you don't know for sure she wants you? It would be preposterous and foolhardy.

[Jay34]

that's very very true, so i guess there is a distinct possibility, if some great girl came around i wouldn't tell her sorry i was with someone, that would be really depressing if she found someone else so quick, so i hope it is just to get me thinking, but either way by no contact i am seeing how she acts, and so far instead of just coming straight out to me, she ios trying to do things to evoke me to contact her either mad or happy, anything.

[Jay34]

im thinking of deleting her off my myspace and facebook, i really don't see the point, so far it seems to be used to either hurt or confuse me. what is the point and i am sitting there looking at it 3-4 times a day, a waste of time

[Hersheys]

Forget myspace (ex & yours) for a while. Stop looking at it. The problem with myspace, FB is that they mess with our heads. When we see something related to our exes, we can't help but assume and overanalyze. You wouldn't be in knots right now had you not logged onto myspace and read her bulletin.

 

I agree with samspade, how could you know that her being "not single" pertains to you? What if you break NC, contact her and finds out that the reason why she wants to get in touch with you is to let you know that she is seeing someone else? You gotta be ready to handle the possibilities.

 

I was once with a guy who took me for granted. The relationship made me very insecure and felt like the guy didn't take me seriously and was not interested at all. I eventually lost interest too. While I gave up hope on the relationship I was still hoping he'd somehow apologize for taking me for granted. He never did.

 

If you feel like she's the one and wants another chance with her, call her. Find out once and for all where you both stand. If you do not get the response you want at least now you tried and can finally move on and have learned not to take your gf for granted anymore.

[Jay34]

thanks hersheys you are right, no more facebook or myspace for now, i took her for granted yes that is very true, but since that point maybe july, i have worked twice as hard...., so i am a bit scared of calling her back to find out she met a new person, thats kind of why i am waiting for her to spell it out that she wants me, it just seems like that level or trust is very broken, in a way i think the way i felt the last 3 months is a lot like the way she felt when i took her for granted, i never cheated though, but i didn't appreciate everything i had, and now circumstances are different and it would take a lot of work to fix it, do you think she will spell it out if she thinks i am the person, should i wait a little longer to see that, i don't think i can handle her telling me there is someone else and that she just wants to see how i am doing, why would she be contacting me so often if that was the case, at least 20-30 times in the past 2 months or so.

[Jay34]

i got my first contact that said i love you and i always will, and to please talk to her, this was 4 days ago and im mulling it over, then when i was online i noticed she said please don't ignore me, but i missed that message, do i engage with something, it has been nearly 2 months. and if i do what the hack do i say ???

[samspade]

i got my first contact that said i love you and i always will, and to please talk to her, this was 4 days ago and im mulling it over, then when i was online i noticed she said please don't ignore me, but i missed that message, do i engage with something, it has been nearly 2 months. and if i do what the hack do i say ???

 

I know this sounds alluring, Jay, but it is still ambiguous.

 

"I love you and I always will...please talk to me." Those words leave a lot of wiggle room. Your mom also will always love you - ya get me? It doesn't mean she wants to get back together. "Please talk to me" exposes that she is confounded by your silence more than anything.

 

"Please don't ignore me." Women hate to be ignored, of course. That goes double for exes. Again, she can't stand that you're able to get over her and aren't begging on your hands and knees to get back together. It's also possible that she wants your attention so she can flaunt the fact that she has found some new guy (though we don't know this for sure...but who wants to find out?).

 

These are siren songs, Jay. Resist. I know the temptation is strong, and other posters will make excuses for your ex, but until you get something unambiguous, don't give in to this kind of b.s.

[Jay34]

thanks samspade, you hit it on the head again, i was kinda figuring the same thing. but i can't take the chance that it is just manipulative, i want to hear something concrete, like i was a bitch, i acted stupid, i want to be with you, anything less it would be insulting, to be honest i am in the position where i want to talk to her, but i wonder why? a nice girl would never have put pictures up of another guy the day after we stopped talking, almost mocking me, then come by a week or 2 later to see if i want to talk to her, i know the way she deals with emotions can be very toxic but still. it was a conscious decision and one to hurt me or make me jealous. i feel like she has to earn my trust back 100%, because right now even if she wanted to be with me, i don't trust her. and for good reason.

 

i still love her, and we shared a kind of chemistry and were always on the same page, something that through all the women i met was never this strong and within a month. so that in part is why it is so hard i guess, but being we were long distance, it is somewhat easier i think. i still in the back of my head have a hope we will see each other again at least. but in a long distance thing there is no spontanaity, it has to be planned. i will be close though.

 

i just want to know is there anything i can do for initially screwing up months back, not making her a priority, in all honesty really not being a man, i mean i lead her on in a lot of senses, promises of a big trip and never came through until she said she didn't want me anymore, and since then it had been me who put all the effort, this was going on since july, because it was almost like she gave up on us but was just waiting around until the next guy came around. i had tried everything, i was ready to give my all, but since that point it was like i could never do enough, before i barely did the minimum and she was crazy about me, now i tried doing everything and it was like she didn't even want to see me, it hurt so badly, but she put me through what i put her through, i never made her feel important , at least not important enough to really follow through, is there anything i can do anymore.... i know NC for now

[Jay34]

i really would like to contact her, but i can't get myself to respond, because i don't want to know if she moved on.... or anything like that, i feel like ignoring her so much could be a bad thing, but i don't know, it feels like its not over, it doesn't feel final, for her somewhat as well, i figure if she didn't have any feelings she wouldnt contact me more than once or twice, i have gotten messages on christmas, at any time, i doubt she just wants to see how im doing, though maybe she just wants to feed her ego, i have no idea anymore

[Jay34]

well apparently my roommate used my laptop and of started messenger! he said he didnt even notice and minimized it instead of closed it! well i got 8 different messages, basically asking me to talk to her, then asking i dont understand how i could have created a relationship with someone who was my best friend and understood me completely and now no matter what i do won't answer me and that she doesnt understand, and the fact it is confusing because i have her as friends on fb and myspace, then something about god is forgiving aren't we supposed to be the same, this is really weird and i dont really get it! im very tempted to just say is that some warped way of asking for forgiveness, and then say well let me see you cheated on me , cared nothing about my feelings, haven't apologized, now you are trying to make me feel like the bad guy, jeeze i guess it really is a lost cause...... obviously if she wanted nothing to do with me she wouldn't have put all of that, but i find it isn't really making me want to talk to her, anyone have any explanations for this, for some reason she thinks i am bitter as well, which maybe it does come off that way, but i am not bitter at all, i guess ignoring the messages could be seen as that, but i just have nothing to say to them, i don't want to give her the appearance that i am bitter. do i respond at all, i know its probably a no lol, it kinda seemed like a half-ass apology, does she not understand what she put me through for all this time..... i mean its like she expects me to come back with no problem..... i am feeling liek obviously there are still feelings there when she said something like the person that was my best friend and understood me completly, i think this message is good news! but now i see it for what it is manipulation, bless no contact!