californiadreaming Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 So man I am hurting really bad. After a week of NC my ex texted me Monday. It really set me back because I had been so focused and strong for a whole week. I tried to shake it going into yesterday but I couldn't. It is like she ask for all of this space but then tries to contact me and ask about where I am working, what I am doing, etc. Well after not answering her for two days I texted her today which set off a whole new set of emotions. The text was a bit much, but we eventually spoke on the phone, and the conversation was a bit the same but she sounded like she might be a couple of weeks away from bargaining. We ended the conversation well, and I felt pretty good after all day. I had 2 beers early, and kinda slept until now. The thing that is hurting me is for one, I can hear millions of people out having a good time, and I am sitting at home all alone. - I will be honest, I asked about if her family was having a party or if she was going out, she said she is going out. So I guess that is bothering me. Although I want her to go out, and smile, and enjoy her self I am sad that I am here alone.- No friends (it was my choice to cut them off) and kinda just sad. idunno- i'll get over it. just the pain / butterflies I have in my tummy are killing me. I'm going to try and go back to bed.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 That bargaining will never come. Straight up. It's over, 100%, and if I had a gun against my head right now, I'd bet my life on that, because I'm so sure. My ex said similar things. So did my first ex. They all do usually. They give you a little bit of hope because they don't want to hurt you even more than they already have. Little do they realize they're just creating a new depth of pain through that hope. Honestly man it's over. You aren't getting back with her. Not today, not in two weeks. Not in two months, probably not even in two years. You have to accept this. You are single now and you have to find someone else. I know how painful that is, because I still love the one I lost. But you can't walk towards the past and grab for ghosts and memories. The girl you love is dead. It's over.
Author californiadreaming Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Neither am I banking on getting back with her. - The hope is still there in a sense, but there is a new part of me that anticipates what the near future holds with moving on in my life. With that said I doubt that it is completely done. I don't know your situation, and vise versa. - I am 100% sure that in the future she will want to re-kendal the flames. Remember I spent five years with this woman. - I can tell by our conversations that she is indeed still hurting, and upset with me. But alot of whats to come with my action, and showing her security, along with me giving her 100% of her space as I have been & do will drive her back. - See what she wants & wanted from me is appreciation, and security. She wanted me to be a man, not a boy who is not working, living with my parents, etc. At this point after being unemployed for a year and 5 months since the break up, learning about my low self-esteem issues, and digging up the skeletons that held me back from life I have gotten pretty much 3 job offers ranging from 27k-60k+ lined up- It is just a matter of completion of the one I really want. See this changed me has already displayed new actions. There was a point over a month ago when I could have called and she wouldn't answer. Now, If I call her this very minute she will answer. - So my boy, what I am saying is because you didn't have success 2x doesn't mean mine, or the next mans situation won't be different. Look at my boy D-Moneys situation. Very similar to mine. It is all a rehabilitation process mane! See what you don't know about me g is that I am a super bad dude. I fell off my high horse, and took back seat to my woman making the big bank... true indeed I did. But even then I was always swagged up. I got massive gear, style, and creativity. - I am a inspiration to most. No BS, and not toot'n my own horn.. but with no job and having to move back home for the past 2 years people still admire and look up to me. My ex knows that, I completely changed her outlook on life, filled her with knowledge, introduced her to style, design, creativity. I helped her develop, in return downgraded myself. - But it is 09' and I feel that I have reached my peek. I am straightedge, no cocaine, no cigs for over 6 months, no hard alcohol in over a year, 1 or 2 beers every two weeks, no weed in 2 years, and most important no sex in over a month..celibate. true to me, myself, my temple. I am focused on being one with the universe, the earth, and all of its living creatures. I am conditioning my mind to excel in the work place, studying & reading on guiding my emotions, thoughts, and destiny. & This is something I have been doing for 2 years now, my ex witnessed it, and will admit to it. It is just that as I was building myself, and not knowing why all of what I thought was bad stuff was happening, I was taking it out on her. & not being true to myself. No appreciation for life or its offers including, living, my ex, family, friends. & ultimately it drove me to the ground. - Had to lose her, and understand, not just know, but learn, understand, put it all into action, and grow. - She see's this, and my friend. This is what she wants at the end of her tunnel. Right now its rehabilitation. She needs her space to breath, as she say's she needs to get over it all on her own. in the meantime I need this time to establish myself, and that works for both of us. We've spoken about it. So thanks for the advice, but maybe you should look into some of the self issue things I mentioned (hence why I mentioned them) and take a look at yourself playboy. I didn't post asking for your advice - I was venting. I got over my situation last night. Slept well, and actually am happy that all of the 2008 stuff is over b/c it's 7 'o clock thats prime time. Its 09 and 09 is mine. - Last but not least. This is my first heartbreak..That is true but I am far beyond these stages my man. As a human we will all hurt. - That lets me know I am alive. But, I am past breaking NC, or living off false "hope" - Sh** by the summer time I will be in a high rise loft downtown los angeles, with rebuilt credit, my modern touch of furniture & design, a new bobber to boost the credit up, with some new body art, and fit & toned like it was 2001( I was really fit n' buff then) you think I am focused on false hope? I see it one of two ways. 1) Either she is not going to give me another chance, and move on with her life. or 2) She is going to realize that I changed the very little inperfections that led us to break up, such as lack of appreciation, and not being a grown man with an understanding of self pride n' love and eventually come back. Either way homebey, I got goals, and for the past month I have prepped myself up for this day. The day that the lion was let out of the cage. -Good luck on your half
Dmoney28 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 First off all, big ups Cali. You have to get that hunger back. The drive that pushes us forward. This will help you excel to the greatness that you deserve by busting your @$$ to make it to the top. You defintly headed down the right path....god speed my friend Now as far as Tom's statement, i think its all relative to the person and thier own distinct situation. A five year relationship is far more complicated and dificult to just walk away from than a 1 year. My self...almost 4 years, and we cant let go that easily, we still talk almost daily after almost 5 months after the breakup. Will we get back together...i have no idea. The ball is in her court, and i have to respect that. Thats the price I and Cali have to pay for certain actions on our part. All i can do is make sure i'm doing well. She dosent dictate my life...i do. There is too many emotions memories, conversations, vacations and years living together as a couple to just be like..."im done, see ya". I can relate to Cali on this 100%. Is it over?....its not over til she says its over. In the mean time we have to work on ourselves and our problems that caused the degredation of the relationship, so we wont make the same mistakes in the next relationship. Sometimes in life, people fall into a mental state that is counter-productive to thier well being. Its part of being human(imperfect). It happens. But during this time there is a fork in the road' caused by a tragic loss. Tragic loss = GF of 5 years leaving........Fork in the road = either change or continue a self destructive cycle. Cali and I chose to change. We had to Make positive changes for us 1st, and as the result..our ex's might possibly seeing these changes. They might think "Wow, he has changed to the person i needed him to be", or "Yeaaahh...i think im done with him"...Hell, my ex even told me that the other day, that i am becoming the person she wanted, and she was proud. The fact that he is still talking to his ex shows she is not totally done with him. If she were...i know for a fact she would not answer his calls, or replied to any oh is txt. As long as he respects her space, allow her to contact him and support her anyway he can, thats all that is expected from him. There is a diffrence in being dumped because your ex fell out of love; and being dumped because your negative choices caused the breakup. People dont just fall out of love when they are forced to breakup because of thier partner ended the relationship....hence this message board. So like Kenny Rogers said "you got to know when to hold them...and know when to fold them. Sooner or later, everyone has to move on, if it aint working out
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Why did you feel the need to isolate yourself from your friends? I think one of the first steps to getting back to where you were is to become a social animal again. It's easy to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself, but that won't attract your ex back. I found my way to loveshack after a painful breakup a few years ago. I fell into a deep depression after that and slowly began isolating myself from others. I ended up sitting alone in my loft drinking... Took me a long time to pull myself out of that and led to a long succession of bad choices. Being alone will only perpetuate the depression. It's really important to focus on figuring out who you are outside of being someone's mate. Until you figure that out, even if you did get back together, things would surely fall apart again. You'll find confidence and self reliance in independance. Other people, including your ex will find that attractive. Stop waiting for her to come to a point where she is ready to bargain. As DSMVT says... it's possible it won't ever happen. Live your life as if you aren't waiting for someone else to come back and make you happy.
confused247 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 My fiancee and i have been dating for a year and a half and suddenly he turns around and says that he needs his own space and doesnt want to see me any more. This set me in to a very deep depression. He came to my house to bring me my things from his and started kissing me! Said he had realised he cant live without me and never wants to loose me.The next day i had a call from the hospital telling me my gma had just died. I was mortified, we were so close and was the only one i could really talk to. My fiancee helped me through it and i felt that things between us were sorting themselves out. A couple of days later things repeated themselves. Again i sunk deeper and deeper into depression! No matter how much i told myself that if he could mess with my head and do this to me then he wasnt worth it, i always found myself thinking how can i get him back and was always trying to figure out what I had done wrong. This has all been happening through december this year. I told myself things will get better. I want things to get better. But in reality i think i am slowly realising what he is like. If a man can leave you high and dry, especially when you need him at a time like mine... then he really isnt worth it. Recently i have contacted some old friends i had lost contact with since the relationship started and they have been telling me he is not worth it...however no matter what people say you always want to believe the best in a person. I think you have to come to terms with things yourself to truely accept someone for who they really are. I suppose this is much like you are doing too. I think that even though we love people sometimes it can become less about love and more of the support. Our sittuations are very different yet so similar. I fell as if i shouldnt contact him and i wont, but when he contacts me it spends my head spinning for the rest of the day. The real question is do you want to be with her, knowing that there will always be a doubt in the back of both your minds, of what could have been if you had gone your seperate ways.Think carefully. you not only have you to think about but your children too.
Author californiadreaming Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 First off all, big ups Cali. You have to get that hunger back. The drive that pushes us forward. This will help you excel to the greatness that you deserve by busting your @$$ to make it to the top. You defintly headed down the right path....god speed my friend Now as far as Tom's statement, i think its all relative to the person and thier own distinct situation. A five year relationship is far more complicated and dificult to just walk away from than a 1 year. My self...almost 4 years, and we cant let go that easily, we still talk almost daily after almost 5 months after the breakup. Will we get back together...i have no idea. The ball is in her court, and i have to respect that. Thats the price I and Cali have to pay for certain actions on our part. All i can do is make sure i'm doing well. She dosent dictate my life...i do. There is too many emotions memories, conversations, vacations and years living together as a couple to just be like..."im done, see ya". I can relate to Cali on this 100%. Is it over?....its not over til she says its over. In the mean time we have to work on ourselves and our problems that caused the degredation of the relationship, so we wont make the same mistakes in the next relationship. Sometimes in life, people fall into a mental state that is counter-productive to thier well being. Its part of being human(imperfect). It happens. But during this time there is a fork in the road' caused by a tragic loss. Tragic loss = GF of 5 years leaving........Fork in the road = either change or continue a self destructive cycle. Cali and I chose to change. We had to Make positive changes for us 1st, and as the result..our ex's might possibly seeing these changes. They might think "Wow, he has changed to the person i needed him to be", or "Yeaaahh...i think im done with him"...Hell, my ex even told me that the other day, that i am becoming the person she wanted, and she was proud. The fact that he is still talking to his ex shows she is not totally done with him. If she were...i know for a fact she would not answer his calls, or replied to any oh is txt. As long as he respects her space, allow her to contact him and support her anyway he can, thats all that is expected from him. There is a diffrence in being dumped because your ex fell out of love; and being dumped because your negative choices caused the breakup. People dont just fall out of love when they are forced to breakup because of thier partner ended the relationship....hence this message board. So like Kenny Rogers said "you got to know when to hold them...and know when to fold them. Sooner or later, everyone has to move on, if it aint working out I can never speak for any other replies but yours. You nailed it. I am going to print this one out too. Everything you said is on the ball! D-Lish.. You got an odd 4 thousand postings and it seem as if you didn't read a dorn thing I wrote. I have cut my friends out of my life way before me and my ex broke up. - Out of that wolf pack of 18 dudes only maybe 5 I consider TRUE friends. I grew up in a city where the same dude you went to junior high with is the same dude that will run up in your grandmas house, duck tape her, and rob her. - No loyalty around here. And it took me a very long time to realize that my friends were all dogs who cheated on they're girlfriends, drug dealers/users, still in the streets, etc.. I begin to change my ways about almost 2 years ago. Since then we don't speak. So that is why I am cool on those dudes. As far as sitting around getting drunk, feeling depressed, and all that BS. - Where in my posting did it say that? I said I had 2 beers in which I went from drinking 4 tall boys a day to 1 or 2 every few weeks now a days. and it said that I was a bit sad. For one, it was NYE I think that there was more then 1 of me sad wether they were home or out and about. - That is almost a given. I wasn't sad Christmas, but last night I was... as I stated I will get over it, and I did. & Become a social animal? I promoted night clubs in NYC, Hollywood, and Vegas for 10 years(started at 15) I am done with being social. I don't need to be out clubbin, and in bars.. That's not my thing anymore. I am very social. I go to the book store, I go shopping, I take drives, I work out, I go to art exhibits, and the library. That's how I enjoy spending my time, and it has been for a year and a half since I have been out of work.- Being alone is great for me. I get things done, I have time to focus on my goals, and myself. I enjoy it. When I want to see the 5 loyal friends I have I see them. Simple as that. It is important to love yourself before you can love anyone else. If you read my old post you will see I posted that a few weeks back. - If you would read these posting completely instead of skimming through you would understand that I am focused man! - lol, you ain't tellin me nothing that I ain't heard, and applied to my life weeks ago, a month ago. This is not my first posting homegirl. I been broken up with this woman for a month and a few days now. I am not waiting for anything. Like I said "I have goals" like quotas they have to be met. I can't sit around waiting for anything. I ain't no where near thousands of postings on here baby. unemployed or employed I don't have that much time.- In order for her to even consider anything with me.. wait let me rephrase that.. In order for me to even consider anything intimate with her I HAVE TO GET MYSELF straight. Who ever said I was waiting? lol.. wow- You'd think you lived next door or shared a room with me. The point is I am fully aware of what I did wrong. I am fully aware of the change I needed to make for MYSELF. I am fully aware of the process its going to take to even have her forgive me 100%. I am not worried about getting back with the woman right now. She knows that. I am focused on ME, and that is it. And the new & improved me is ultimately what she wants by standards. wether we will get back together or not is up to both of us at the end of this process. But in the meantime as selfish as it sounds I am doing me. So with that said I ain't out boning chicks, I ain't out in the bars, I ain't buying balls of coke gettin lifted. I am in my realm doing what I have to to meet these goals. Thats it!
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