FeedingOnFever Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Hey everyone, I just found out last night that my ex-boyfriend had been flirting with another girl and making plans to hook up with her for a long time before he actually worked up the nerve to break up with me. He was always web-camming with her and crap. As it turns out, the two of them did hook up, a few DAYS after he broke up with me. Some friends are saying "at least he didn't cheat," and I've been telling them, "Yes, he did." Has anyone else noticed a trend of people in the teens to early 20's age range not comprehending the idea of an emotional affair? I am utterly crushed by my ex's cheating, but tons of people are confused why I call it cheating. He spent way more time webcamming with her, talking to her about me, and planning his great escape with her than he ever spent trying to save our relationship. What's worse is he kept it a secret from me for almost a month. Why would he do that unless he knew it was wrong? Word of mouth says he is terrified and ashamed, scared that he will lose me as a friend forever. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.
That Emotion Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 It happens. He did you wrong for sure, but it happens. At least you can move on now.
atwitsend Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 You're absolutely right pyro. But its more then that. The twenty somethings are a generation that was taught that "self esteem" is the most important thing. Not "self respect" or "self sacrifice". They were raised by guilty parents and indulged with anything they want. They were told that they were great or winners without ever having been great or winners. Consequently they are narcissistic, hedonists who will bounce from woman to woman and man to man looking for affirmation they don't deserve from people who are just as needy as them. They have no work ethic because everything they do is beneath them or unfullfilling. They believe they should be vice president of the company after 6 months of work. I do not condemn the whole generation. There are those who have learned through hard knocks the only way to make it in the world is hard work, sacrifice, and not quitting. As I say I don't condemn the whole generation. But there is a signicant portion that this description fits. The other thing is they have absolutely no patience. They will seek to fill their endless need any way they can (sex, booze whatever). What they will probably never have is contentment.
snoopy girl Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 atwitsend, wow! it sound like my husband was born in that time, everything you said is right, we can't change someone, the only thing we can do is give them a choice, and hope they pick the right one.
angie2443 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I think the truth is, that most people in their teens and early twenties (this goes for any generation) are not ready for long term relationships. Their still growing and learning about themselves and what they want. Their still figuring out what makes relationships work and what doesn't. They are also still experimenting with the people they date to find out what kind of person they can be with in the long term. I think this is why so many young people don't understand the concept of EA's and, in general, are much more open to friendships of the opposite sex then they are when they get older. I know I was like this when I was younger. Sorry for going OT a bit. What I wrote was not to excuse what the OP's boyfriend did, but was more of a response to what was bieng said about the teenage/early twenties crowd.
amerikajin Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 You're absolutely right pyro. But its more then that. The twenty somethings are a generation that was taught that "self esteem" is the most important thing. Not "self respect" or "self sacrifice". They were raised by guilty parents and indulged with anything they want. They were told that they were great or winners without ever having been great or winners. Consequently they are narcissistic, hedonists who will bounce from woman to woman and man to man looking for affirmation they don't deserve from people who are just as needy as them. They have no work ethic because everything they do is beneath them or unfullfilling. They believe they should be vice president of the company after 6 months of work. I do not condemn the whole generation. There are those who have learned through hard knocks the only way to make it in the world is hard work, sacrifice, and not quitting. As I say I don't condemn the whole generation. But there is a signicant portion that this description fits. The other thing is they have absolutely no patience. They will seek to fill their endless need any way they can (sex, booze whatever). What they will probably never have is contentment. I think it's more than just parenting, because parenting is an individual thing. From one generation to the next, you're going to have differences among families in terms of how they handle their children. I think the common denominator among people in more recent generations is that we are a generation that has been given a lot of individual latitude in terms of how we live our adult lives. In my parents generations, individuals had clear expectations: find a job, keep it until you retire, find a woman, save money, pay for your kids' education and enjoy your golden years. Things have changed. We live in a world where corporations just "downsize" and let people go to keep investors happy. That means a lot less stability for individuals, and because of that, individuals have to be ready to move. You can't just count on your job being there tomorrow -- it might get sent to China or the Philippines. We grew up in that world, a world in which we were told nobody owes us anything. It's a world in which nobody is prepared to commit to anyone for anything. This filters into our relationships. The positive aspect of this change is that we have a lot more choices at our disposal in terms of how we can live our lives; the flip side is that we make fewer commitments. And because we make fewer commitments, I think this makes committing to long-term relationships more difficult.
atwitsend Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I agree. If you put our views both together you have a pretty right on description of the situation. It is not only parents. Its society itself that has ingrained this pathos into them. It just means you have to look harder to find a like minded person. My kids have gone through hell trying to pair up. My daughter seems to have found a great guy. He is a marine and very family oriented. My son is still working on it.
amerikajin Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I agree. If you put our views both together you have a pretty right on description of the situation. It is not only parents. Its society itself that has ingrained this pathos into them. It just means you have to look harder to find a like minded person. My kids have gone through hell trying to pair up. My daughter seems to have found a great guy. He is a marine and very family oriented. My son is still working on it. I made the comment because I was thinking of myself when thinking about your post. My parents were not ones to give me an over-inflated sense of self-esteem when I was growing up, but I've still had difficulties settling down. I think I'm mature in some ways but perhaps not as mature as I had thought in others. I have a hard time making commitments. I don't think that's because of my parents, though. I think it's because of how I view the world in which I live. I think it's because I've also struggled to define myself, to really know what I want out of my life. I find myself sometimes confused by the seemingly endless number of choices that life in this generation has given us. It has been good in one sense, but perhaps confusing and misleading in another.
Makemesmile Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Yes as it hurts as much as the physical thing. Especialy if its a cyber thing they have going. Ive found msg on IM from women around the world to my SO (Now my ex as from 4days ago) My ex couldnt understand why i was upset he had all what he called friends felmale who had met on dating sites. And told me it was non of my business who he talked to. And he had done no wrong as nothing physical happend. The sad thing is as its such a new thing in the scheme of things its not yet pubicaly excepted as cheating.
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