abacus Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I'm 25, I've been with my 30 year old boyfriend for over 3 years now and we moved in together after the first year together. Over the last few years I feel my love for him has gradually faded but he still seems to be as much in love with me as ever. I've been thinking more and more about breaking up with him recently, especially since we were apart at our respective parents house for Christmas and I realised I didn't miss him at all and I was actually quite unhappy to be back with him again. I don't even want to see other people, I just want to go back to being single again. I've been with him since just before I turned 22 and just after I finished college and I feel like I've never had the chance to find out who I am as a young adult because he has always been there and he tends to be more forceful than me. I want to stand on my own 2 feet. Even small things like deciding what to eat without having always make it a meal for 2, going out for a walk by myself without 20 questions or him being offended that I want some time alone or doing housework myself, at my own pace, without being nagged. The terrible thing is he really hasn't done anything wrong, he can be annoying and he talks too much, even when I make it clear I'm not in the mood but he is generally quite nice and affectionate. He has no idea I feel this way and as far as he's concerned we have a great relationship. He's even started talking about buying a house together, a horrific idea as far as I'm concerned. I just feel so horrible about the idea of suddenly breaking up with him out of the blue, it seems so cruel and even if I no longer love him I don't want to hurt him either. Living together makes things so much more complicated too. I have nowhere else to go if things turn awkward except my parents house but I moved back there I'd have an insane 2 hour commute each way to work. I'm kicking myself for moving in with him so early, I had my doubts but I did it anyway and it just makes things so much more difficult. If anyone has any advice, or has been through this themselves, I'd appreciate any and all advice cos I'm going out of my mind right now.
EmperorR Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 End it now, instead of dragging it on and on for him. If you really care about him then do it now.
Joker77 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 This is why I refuse to move in with a woman until I am married.
Riffmeister General Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 The longer you leave it, the harder it'll be. If he's talking about buying a house together, he's clearly getting pretty serious. End it now. Be clear, direct, definite. Don't p*ss about with "I don't know what I want" or "I need some space right now". Make it clear it's over. It won't lessen the initial blow, but it'll help with the healing.
Ezekiel1337 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Not missing someone doesnt mean you dont love them. But you've got your mind made up. Just say exactly that, that you dont want to go dating, but you dont want to be in a relationship. That youve been supported for so long, you want to know if your own legs work alone. Tell him that he has done absolutley nothing wrong, otherwise (me being a guy going through EXACTLY what your about to do) he will beat himself up about it thinking it was his fault and tell you he will fix himself. Just take time to rediscover yourself and find out who you are by yourself. If you guys were meant to be, you will come back at the right time. IF not, you wont... and the right man will fall into your life. This is going to devastate him, no matter what you do or how you say it. Dont try anything cute. Make it plain and simple, and please dont lead him on. Dont pretend to love him, he will know and think something is wrong, or you are cheating on him. OH yea, make it very clear if he asks that there is no other man. Swear on whatever is most sacred to you and look him in the eyes so he knows that you are sincere. Its going to be ugly, hes going to fall apart. Especially since you two live together. Dont go behind his back trying to get this taken care of. Make a date to tell him soon, and call a friend you can stay at before so they can pick you up (make sure you dont stick around for the akward moment after the break up.) Tell him that it's better you guys dont do the whole "lets stay friends and still talk" you will only make him miss you more. Make it clear you are not enemies though, you have no animosity towards him. You are not enemies, but not friends either. As time passes, you can be friends.. but not after this. No Communication.... mabey things will change after a good amount of time like this.
kizik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 ...he tends to be more forceful than me. I want to stand on my own 2 feet. Even small things like deciding what to eat without having always make it a meal for 2, going out for a walk by myself without 20 questions or him being offended that I want some time alone or doing housework myself, at my own pace, without being nagged. That sounds awful. He sounds like a pain in the a$$. The terrible thing is he really hasn't done anything wrong, he can be annoying and he talks too much, even when I make it clear I'm not in the mood He hasn't done anything wrong, except to be annoying and talking too much... those things can, actually, be considered "wrong". It sounds like you resent him and don't respect him that much. You're not attracted to him anymore. He bothers you. You are probably embarrassed of him. You don't love him anymore so you should end it.
Author abacus Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks for the advice everyone, I definitely plan to make sure he knows that it's not his fault but it will be a definite break-up with no "just friends" caveats to torment him. I'm not sure I have any local friends I could stay with if things get ugly though. Kizik, I probably made him sound worse than he is, the point is he is a big believer in doing everything together which is becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate.
Ezekiel1337 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 That sounds awful. He sounds like a pain in the a$$. He hasn't done anything wrong, except to be annoying and talking too much... those things can, actually, be considered "wrong". It sounds like you resent him and don't respect him that much. You're not attracted to him anymore. He bothers you. You are probably embarrassed of him. I dont agree with this. My ex used to be annoying and sometimes to demanding. Hell, i did everything FOR her. But that doesnt mean that i didnt love her. Nor would i have left her for JUST those reasons. Those are not reasons to leave someone. She is leaving him because she wants to be single, thats the reason. There is no need to try to justify it with quirks. Everyone has their flaws, but we shouldnt blame a break up on them for their flaws. If it is our decision, then we must admit that. Now if she was married, this would be different... the only reason to leave someone when married are 3 reasons. Cheating Beating Drugs Other than that, you have made a commitment, its not about you anymore, its about the family. That is what these american married couples need to understand.
kizik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I no longer love him I don't want to hurt him either. Not loving someone anymore is a pretty good reason to split up, IMO. Better to leave with dignity than drag out an incompatible relationship.
kizik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 There is no need to try to justify it with quirks. Everyone has their flaws, but we shouldnt blame a break up on them for their flaws. It's not about "quirks," it's about the fact that she's not happy.
Ezekiel1337 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 It's not about "quirks," it's about the fact that she's not happy. Then that is just it. She's not happy. But by her own choice. He has always been that way im sure. Just now, it does not appeal to her anymore. At one point, she was not bothered by this. This is what i mean. These things are part of ones personalities. Just because one day, we are bothered by them does not justify terminating a relationship based on those reasons. She is ending it due to the fact that she needs to be single. Not him. And that is that.
kizik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Whatever the reasons, it's all good. This is life. We all take turns trading pain.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Looking forward to meeting your ex boyfriend on here soon. LOL!
bodie124 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I was in a very similar situation when I decided to call it off. For a long time I kept asking myself if I was selfish for not wanting to take orders from anyone and be single again. I watched many friendship/job/school opportunities fall through the cracks as a result of being commited, and everytime I did actually follow through on something I wanted to do I often got a guilt trip and told that I only cared about myself. I felt like my interests were pushed to the side in order to keep the relationship in check. It was not that I didn't care about her as a person, I just missed being single and being able to make decisions without having to pass them by anyone. I was clearly not meant to be in such a long relationship, and in the end I realized that it wasn't good for me, and therefore wasn't good for her if I wasn't 100% commited. I just kept it going because of that comfort of knowing I "had someone," and knew how inconvenient it would be logistically to move out. Knowing from experience though, it can only get worse if this is the way you feel and you don't act on it. I made the mistake of having these feelings and not following through with a breakup earlier. If you follow through and get to the other side,though, you might realize like I did that you were holding both yourself and your ex back from being in a healthier situation.
Author abacus Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Thanks Bodie, how long had you been together when you made the decision? I guess what's really holding me back is that I'm worried I'm not recognising love while it's right in front of me and if I go ahead with this I might end up regretting it when it's all over. Sometimes I feel great affection for him and other times I feel such anger towards him. It's hard to sort my feelings out.
Surfer Dude Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I'm not gonna tell you what to do, as it's not my place to do so. But I'm going to tell you how I felt in a situation similar to yours. Around may, I was really sick of everything and wanted to be single again. No good reason, no other woman, I just thought it would be cool to be a lone wolf again. I even searched google with queries such as "benefits of being single" etc, because I had no idea whether I really wanted to do it or not. I thought the grass was greener. Anyhow, she broke it off 4 months later. I'm still broken and severely damaged in that regard, wishing more than anything that she never changed and that we could still be together, I really miss her a lot (the old her). Be careful what you do, there's a very high chance you'll regret this and there will be no going back. Be wise about this.
birdie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 very good advice from surfer dude. OP: have you actually talked to your partner about this? I know people don't just change but does he know what your issues are with his behaviour? the fact that he is suffocating you and you feel you are losing your self completely? maybe you need to have that conversation. perhaps he thinks he is just looking after you
smiiiley Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 ouch....harsh to hear this from the other person's point of view...my ex said he "fell out of love" with me and it hurt like hell...im sorry i dont know how to help you with this...i've only been on the other side, it has been 5 months and my heart is still broken...because he dragged it out...although i can understand the logical side of it, it hurts soooo bad to be in love with somebody and then hear them say one day out the blue "i dont love u anymore"...i hope he doesnt go through alot when u leave him... i dont mean to sound bitter and harsh towards u because i guess it is not your fault if you stopped loving him...but im really confused...how do you actually stop loving somebody? personally i have NO IDEA what went wrong in the realtionship....and that hurt me because he told me he loved me and pretended everything was okay untill the day he left me...we never discussed any issues...i was clueless to what had gone wrong....anyway just try to do this in the least painful way possible and try to give him closure before leaving him... *sigh*
Author abacus Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Still so confused, you all have made really good points. I'm thinking of sitting him down, talking about how I've been feeling and seeing what we can work out. Maybe even living apart again and "dating" if it comes to that. It is very easy to focus on the bad and forget the good, especially when you're so close to the problem.. Thanks again for the advice Smiiiley: I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you've been through. It's only recently that I've realised I've started to feel like this. At the start of the relationship I had knots in my stomach waiting by my phone if he didn't respond to my texts right away, now I only half listen to what he's saying when he's standing right in front of me. I think moving in together so soon was the big mistake. It's really hard to sort how I feel, to tell him I that I don't love him anymore when I'm still not sure if that's true or not is too big of a risk. That's probably not much use to you though..
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