mck367 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I am Asian. My girlfriend is black. We are both 24. We have been together for a year and a half. We have a long distance relationship. You dont see too many of us around but we love each other and skin color doesnt have any relevance in this relationship. So this holiday season, I invited her to spend couple of days with my parents. Both my parents know that she is black from day one. She came to my hometown and met my parents for the first time. My parents welcomed her to our home and we had a great time when she was at the house. Afterwards she told me she enjoyed meeting my parents and friends and had a good time. I dropped her off at the airport and then went home. As soon as I did, my mom started to tell me how she disliked my girlfriend, and how she doesnt approve of her. My mom has known since the beginning that she is black. I have showed her many pictures before this. My mom asked me what other people will think if they see me with a black girl. She tells me that other people are laughing at me when they see me in public especially other Asians. She's afraid of being embarrassed. She said that if I continue with this relationship, she would be so ashamed or us that she will disown me and move to another state. She says that our relationship is affecting her health negatively. She says that I have to pick between her or my girlfriend. She doesn't want to ever see her again and she doesn't want me to ever see her again. I tell her how I dont care that she is black, she is a great girl, she's a med student, and our personalities connect. She tells me shes too stupid to become a doctor, and our kids are going to be ugly. This is the last thing I expected from this holiday season. Im not too familiar with this forum but Im hoping there are enough mature people here who are willing to offer me their opinions/advice and perhaps their own experiences with similar issues. I posted this on an asian forum but I also like to have input from a wider audience as well.
Ross PK Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Well, to ask you to pick between her and your girlfriend is pretty disgracefull. If you do pick I hope you pick your girlfriend, because why would you want to pick your mum if that's how she is? I think it would be a good idea to say this to your mum, she could be just making an empty threat and not really want to disown you, but even so, that is still really bad, to do that to her own son. She doesn't seem like a nice person. It's your mum who has the problem, not you. I think when someone is racist, there isn't really anything you can do or say to change their minds.
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I have been dating black girls since I was 14. I am now 34. My dad is racist. I think my whole family is to some extent. I think most of the world is to some extent when it comes to dating. I found it is a shock to a lot of people. It is uncomfortable for me when I got a black girl in a room full of white people. I wonder what everyone is thinking. After doing it this long you learn to ignore that. People are gonna say and feel what they want to. Including your parents. As long as they don't get out of line and call her the N bomb. Mixed kids are gorgeous BTW. As far as your mom goes. Thats tough. I would reassure her I love her but this is my life. Put the ball in her court to accept it. It's all you can really do other than do as she wishes. IR dating isn't easy on family. Trust me, her family wants to know what she is doing with an asian dude. Especially the males. Comes with the turf. Either deal with it or run away. I choose to deal with it.
EmperorR Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Sad that people still hold these views, I date black white, asian, hispanic, pink purple it doesn't matter to me everyone is the same. Mixed kids are cute anyways so I have no idea what your mom is talking about. Secondly I don't know if this girl is serious and you were going to marry her etc., but one day your going to get marry are you going to marry a asian chick you may not love to satisfy your mom? It's your life not your mom's, your 24 years old. I'd understand if a bigger issue existed such as the girl was a gold digger, rude etc., but race? sad, congrats to you for not sharing the same ignorant views as your mom. Who cares what people look and think of you, if people did skinny people would never marry fat people, everyone would marry within their race, young and old wouldn't marry, see my point here? No matter who you date people will talk about you.
Lights Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I'm sorry to hear this sort of thing is happening to you. You should remember that you're 24, and that your relationships with women will be yours, not your parents'; you're an adult, it's your life, and presumably you're not living within some pre-modern tribal structure wherein such relationships are chosen by the tribe. Your parents seem to have forgotten that, unfortunately. They may need to be reminded about it. I'd say it's best to either take a hard-line and tell them outright to back off and shut up upon being presented with the above information, or else if you think it might work, perhaps attempt to also ask very straightforwardly what exactly they find so shameful and see if you can shame them into openly speaking about whatever it is they hate or fear about Black people (if this latter method works and they have some social conscience, enjoy watching them squirm and then have fun kicking back and roaring with laughter). Best of luck. It's good to see that you're beyond that sort of backwardness.
tinktronik Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Your Asian. I want to add something here. I have a very large community of Asian friends, I am not Asian, and did not grow up with the same dynamics as in many traditional Asian families. Something that always baffles, sometimes amuses, and occasionally makes me sad is the common trend of Asian mothers controlling their children using guilt and the threat of disownment. I find this to be a common thread amongst many of my friend's families, their parents trying to hold onto old views and pass them along to their children, even if the views do not mush in today's society. So this leads to my question to the OP, does your mother typically blackmail you or attempt to guilt you in order to "keep you in line"? Also, do you really believe that your mother will follow through with her threats?
runner Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 you're an adult and you can date whomever you wish. if i was in your shoes, i would just keep my distance from my mother and let her deal with her own demons. if she comes around, great, if not ... who really wants to associate with rascists anyways ? family or not.
Author mck367 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 Your Asian. I want to add something here. I have a very large community of Asian friends, I am not Asian, and did not grow up with the same dynamics as in many traditional Asian families. Something that always baffles, sometimes amuses, and occasionally makes me sad is the common trend of Asian mothers controlling their children using guilt and the threat of disownment. I find this to be a common thread amongst many of my friend's families, their parents trying to hold onto old views and pass them along to their children, even if the views do not mush in today's society. So this leads to my question to the OP, does your mother typically blackmail you or attempt to guilt you in order to "keep you in line"? Also, do you really believe that your mother will follow through with her threats? There have been a few past occasions where she has used similar threats to get her way. I have always been able to compromise to make me and my mom both happy. If I can help family, I will do whatever I can. Us Asians have a lot of family pride. But now I come to fork in the road, my mom has never put me in a position like this where I have to choose between her or my gf. And she has never before used the threat of disownment so that is new to me. But it is interesting that you bring that up. I did not grow up with too many Asians around here. Could you ask your freinds about what evoked their moms to give them these threats and what they did about it?
Storyrider Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 From what I've read, in Asian countries such as Japan, shame has long been considered a perfectly acceptable way promoting "correct" behaviors.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Would it make a difference if your gf was another ethnicity or is it because she's black?
Author mck367 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Would it make a difference if your gf was another ethnicity or is it because she's black? Just because shes black.
kiki30 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 As a black women, who has been approached by men of other races, this saddens me. I have been at the receiving end of racism by the mother's of my ex boyfriends and it is not fun. I wish that my ex stood up for me, instead of giving in to his mother's and family's racist bs. You should not allow your mother to emotionally manipulate her because she is racist, how would she feel if the tables were turned? I know it's hard but your mother's anti-black racism is really disturbing and hurtful. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.... How would you want your girlfriend to handle this situation if someone disliked you based on racist assumptions about the type of person you are?
EmperorR Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 How would you want your girlfriend to handle this situation if someone disliked you based on racist assumptions about the type of person you are? Ya this is what I forgot to ask. How does her family view you as?
Lovelybird Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I am an Asian. I've seen many men who are totally obediant to their mother, and ruined their marriage and personal lives. didn't fully cut the apron string type. Until you really make decisions based on good reason and based on your own value, your mother probably would manipulate you and make you do what she wants you to do. and later you will grow resentment both toward her and yourself. I didn't mean disrespect toward parents, but parents aren't perfect human beings. If their reason isn't based on good and sound basis, it's time YOU make the decision. Sometimes parents really have the wisdom to discern people, but race only cannot be one of them. I guess you have to test yourself how much you love and care this girl.
tinktronik Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 There have been a few past occasions where she has used similar threats to get her way. I have always been able to compromise to make me and my mom both happy. If I can help family, I will do whatever I can. Us Asians have a lot of family pride. But now I come to fork in the road, my mom has never put me in a position like this where I have to choose between her or my gf. And she has never before used the threat of disownment so that is new to me. But it is interesting that you bring that up. I did not grow up with too many Asians around here. Could you ask your freinds about what evoked their moms to give them these threats and what they did about it? What I see usually as evoking this sort of behaviors from my friend's mothers is usually behaviors or choices their children are making that they view as making life harder or having a less conservative lifestyle that they would choose for them. Usually their views are more dated; they view interracial dating as very taboo and see their children's futures as being ostracized by their community. This is usually not the present day outcome as times have changed. Or it has to do with career choices; they want their children to be doctors or lawyers while their children would rather be hairstylists or dog-walkers. I think they view this as a waste to what they have worked "so hard to accomplish for their children's futures". I have actually heard that sentence spoken from a friend's mother. Many asian families immigrated in order to build up reserves for their families future success and do not realize that what they have given their children is success in the ability to choose their futures.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Boy, that's a dilemma if I ever heard one. If you're really into this girl, then she's worth standing up for. If you're not seeing her as a long-term thing, then maybe you can allow the relationship to peter out. That'll be easier given that it's long distance. But, whether you stay with your GF or not, you need to set your mom straight. If you stay with your GF, I suggest you simply tell her mom that you have no intention of making the "choice" she wants you to make. Tell her that you are not going to have an ultimatum put to you, and that if there's a choice to make, it's hers, not yours. You're making a decision about what to do in your life (you're 24, for god's sake... you're not a teenager), and it's her choice about whether or not it's worth losing her son over her own prejudices. Since she's trying her best to manipulate you, it's easy to predict some of the things she'll try. She'll pile on the guilt. She'll try histrionics. But DON'T fall for it. Stay strong in your position. Even if you do end up breaking up with your GF, you need to make it VERY clear to your mom that it was a decision you made for your own reasons, and that it had NOTHING to do with her issues. And if your mom subsequently slags your xGF in your presence, you need to correct her and tell her that it simply didn't work out with her, and that your mom has no right to behave in such an offensive way towards somebody who never did anything to hurt her. The reason you have to do this, regardless of what happens to the relationship, is that you need to set boundaries. Your mother needs to know that you make the decisions about your life, not her, and that you're not going to give in to her emotional manipulation. If you don't, then she'll bring misery to ANY future relationship you're in with somebody who displeases her, because she'll know you'll do what she wants. She may be your mother, but you can still make it very clear to her that certain behaviour is unacceptable.
Pinkstar7896 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I think the real question is Are you gonna marry your girlfriend? Is It really totally serious? If it is then I think You should Stick up for your girlfriend and tell your mom that U respect her opinions but It's really gonna be up to you who you date not her. & if she really loves you she will learn to accept because a real mother will accept anything just aslong as her son is happy.I'm not trying to judge your mom in anyway but She's prolly just old fasioned and doesnt understand modern times..Let her know that you love her and just to be happy for you.
sheila12 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I am Asian. My girlfriend is black. We are both 24. We have been together for a year and a half. We have a long distance relationship. You dont see too many of us around but we love each other and skin color doesnt have any relevance in this relationship. So this holiday season, I invited her to spend couple of days with my parents. Both my parents know that she is black from day one. She came to my hometown and met my parents for the first time. My parents welcomed her to our home and we had a great time when she was at the house. Afterwards she told me she enjoyed meeting my parents and friends and had a good time. I dropped her off at the airport and then went home. As soon as I did, my mom started to tell me how she disliked my girlfriend, and how she doesnt approve of her. My mom has known since the beginning that she is black. I have showed her many pictures before this. My mom asked me what other people will think if they see me with a black girl. She tells me that other people are laughing at me when they see me in public especially other Asians. She's afraid of being embarrassed. She said that if I continue with this relationship, she would be so ashamed or us that she will disown me and move to another state. She says that our relationship is affecting her health negatively. She says that I have to pick between her or my girlfriend. She doesn't want to ever see her again and she doesn't want me to ever see her again. I tell her how I dont care that she is black, she is a great girl, she's a med student, and our personalities connect. She tells me shes too stupid to become a doctor, and our kids are going to be ugly. This is the last thing I expected from this holiday season. Im not too familiar with this forum but Im hoping there are enough mature people here who are willing to offer me their opinions/advice and perhaps their own experiences with similar issues. I posted this on an asian forum but I also like to have input from a wider audience as well. hello how are you? am new to this site but i know how you feel. Am black but my boyfreind is white, and my family told me the same thing. I chose my boyfreind and now my family dont talk to me unless i dump him and marry a muslim man. I thought colour shoud not matter in this day and age but to my family it does. Just because my family think i should be with a black muslim man doesn't mean that he will treat me better. anyway i hope everything works out in the end for you. GoodLuckx
glitter2 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Quite a few asians feel that way- this i think is the truth- your mum probably wont like here - which will be tough on her as its race related. Just imagine if it was the other way round- its a horrible feeling. But i bet if you two had a kid- shed love that kid to pieces regardless that teh child is of a mixed race!! I think my dad - well its quite obvious has a problem with west indians- and not sure where it stems from- ive asked him loads- but hes not that bad. I would just say tough- someones got to make a stand here and there and break the ice.
glitter2 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I think religious matters are differnt to race. Is your white boyf a muslim?
Lights Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 hello how are you? am new to this site but i know how you feel. Am black but my boyfreind is white, and my family told me the same thing. I chose my boyfreind and now my family dont talk to me unless i dump him and marry a muslim man. I thought colour shoud not matter in this day and age but to my family it does. Just because my family think i should be with a black muslim man doesn't mean that he will treat me better. anyway i hope everything works out in the end for you. GoodLuckx Good work; I congratulate you on that. It's good that people can stand up to that sort of backwardness. I think religious matters are differnt to race. Is your white boyf a muslim? I couldn't disagree more. The preference of the tribe members may vary (anger at an adult descendant dating someone of an "undesirable" skin color versus anger at an adult descendant dating someone with an "undesirable" choice of imaginary friends), but how is the behavior being exhibited any different in the two cases?
sheila12 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I think religious matters are differnt to race. Is your white boyf a muslim? hiya I dont think there is a difference at all. peopel shouldn't hate or dislike people because of colour or reiligon. but my boyfreind is not a muslim at all, neither is he the colour my family wanted me to date.
sheila12 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 Good work; I congratulate you on that. It's good that people can stand up to that sort of backwardness. I couldn't disagree more. The preference of the tribe members may vary (anger at an adult descendant dating someone of an "undesirable" skin color versus anger at an adult descendant dating someone with an "undesirable" choice of imaginary friends), but how is the behavior being exhibited any different in the two cases? hello thanks for that, am really proud of myself. I come from a very strict muslim background even though i dont follow the reiligon as them. its sad that people would have these views in this day and age.
mental_traveller Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 If I had a mother like this, I would be happy to tell her "Fine, I choose my gf. Don't call me, I'll call you." I'd then cut her out of my life. The fact is, the only way to dissuade people from holding ridiculous beliefs or acting in ridiculous fashion is to make them suffer. You need to decide - are you ready to be a man who makes his own choices in life, or are you going to be forever a momma's boy hiding behind her apron and doing what she says until the day she croaks?
changchewsoon Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 Dear mck367, I don't want to hijack your thread so I would not tell much of my story here, but I just want you to know that you're not alone. My case is not entirely same as yours, but its similar as my mum is not willing to accept my girlfriend because she's a widow and she threatened to disown me if I choose to stay with her and marry her. She thinks I'm gonna die as well like her late husband. And guess what? I'm 28 and I'm Asian as well. I'm very ashamed of my mum's behavior but in a way I can understand that the fact she's worried of losing her son. She has gotten my father to choose sides, and my father stood with her. But privately, he came to me and had a man-to-man talk with me and wanted me to know he just wanted me to be happy, and he doesn't care about all those superstitious crap my mother thinks. He told me he doesn't want to get in to a fight with my mum because of her health, so he's just playing along. Although I'm very upset that my father wasn't able to stood for me, however I understood where was he coming from and I don't want to put any strain on their relationship either because of me. I've decided to pack my stuffs, and I will move out from the house the moment I'm able to find a suitable place. Do not ever give in to your parents, yes you might love them but you need to defend what is right for you. I am going to prove to my mum that as long as I'm breathing God's air, I will defend and fight for my relationship till the end. Nobody decides who I choose to be with, if one day I am no longer continuing the relationship with my girlfriend that is because we chose not to be together, and not because of my mum. She needs to know that, and so does your mum too. Please be strong and be tough. Yes, it is painful for us especially Asians to actually had to choose such a path. As a matter of fact, it is painful for anyone in this world who has to walk this path. But you must fight for what you think its right. I'm sure your girlfriend is a nice person, and I really hope the both of you will do great together.
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