shamen Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hi all, I've been messed up for the last couple of weeks here... My husband, who I worked long and hard to get to the US awhile back, I found out recently was having an online affair with 2 girls in his home country. It looks like this was going on before he came here too... He has his conditional green card now. He's told me that he kissed one of them one time when he was out dancing (yeah right) and that that was it. But he was for sure writing her. Before we got married, after we got married, the whole bit. Telling her that he loved her... The other one he swears was just online writing, something that he did to pass the time. Keep in mind that this man and I have been together for 2 years now. We did long distance to another country from the US for a year and a half before he got here. This all got started because I found a picture of him in our pictures section (I was going to look at our wedding pictures) and there were all these little pictures of kissing, hugging stuff, stuff to put on someone's page on a social networking site. I was like, "What??" Also there was a picture of him that someone had downloaded and then wrote "I love you" on it... I checked the social networking site and found out that he had a second profile! One that said he was looking for open relationships and he was friends with all of these other women. He'd also been emailing them through a second email acct that he created to communicate with them. Such bs... I couldn't even believe it. He's deleted the second profile and the second account since I found out about them, and he swears that he'll no longer communicate with them. That it was just some stupid silly game that he played to pass the time since he wasn't able to work yet. Supposedly everything is ok between us but I'm just not convinced. He's probably just going to call them on the phone now. That I'm the one that he loves... now of course I'm wondering if the whole thing was just a scam to get here... how else could I feel differently? He was telling the other two girls that he loved them. What a crock... I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid. Any thoughts? I really need some help.
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 ... He has his conditional green card now. So it's not a 'final' green card? Divorce him. Why give him the choice and wait to see what he wants? Kick him out and let HIM work on himself, let him miss you, let him live the consquences of cheating! All that you've done for him and this is how he repays you? Get mad, don't be passive!
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Yup! I think you are within your moral rights to teach him a lesson he won't forget....!
Author shamen Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 So it's not a 'final' green card? Divorce him. Why give him the choice and wait to see what he wants? Kick him out and let HIM work on himself, let him miss you, let him live the consquences of cheating! All that you've done for him and this is how he repays you? Get mad, don't be passive! Hi, I'm not really giving him the choice so much as trying to figure out what I want right now... I did give him the opportunity to leave, if that's what he wants. He swears that that is not what he wants. He's apologized for it and deleted the pages. We'll see. I agree, it's totally messed up what he did. I'm just not sure what I want yet, is the problem. WWIU, nice to see you again. Yup! I think you are within your moral rights to teach him a lesson he won't forget....! Yep, probably. But I don't want to be about vengance. If he sincerely wants to do what's right and he can prove it to me, then we'll see. He's certainly got a lot to prove right now. The sad part is is that I really love this guy. Wish he didn't turn out to be such an ass... Only time will tell where we go from here. Any other thoughts?
signedin2008 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I feel now like my whole marriage is a lie. I don't really know if he loves me or not. I told him that if there was any doubt in his heart that he should let me go and get on with my life. I've lived for him for 2 years. I feel so stupid. Any thoughts? I really need some help. It seems like you've been used. Ofcourse he is going to delete the accounts and continue his "love" a.k.a lies to you in order for the green card to become final. What are his other choices to be a legal resident and chance to get jobs here in the USA. It's through temporary no communciation with his girls that he love and continue the lie with you. It happens alot. US citizens being used to get green card and once they get what they want, they'll divorce the spouse and do what they want.
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 He's a jerk... that's the bottom line. I'd find his acts of communication online to be a total breach of trust. I couldn't forgive him, nor would I ever be able to trust him again. This will not stop- that is a guarantee.
luverly Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 I couldn't deal with someone emotionally cheating on me online. You deserve sooooooooooooo much better. What he did TWICE is a deal-breaker.
Lizzie60 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Yup you've been used.. I would bet my life on this one.. This guy probably comes from the Caribean, if he is.. then it's typical.. most of them want to get out of there, go to a richer country.... They have many 'women'... Sorry to drop the bomb.. but he will NEVER stop.. it will only get worst once he gets the 'final' green card.. Some women here in Canada have been 'scammed' by those guys.. once they get here they dumped them... Here's a few stories: One guy a friend of mine knows very well.. from Cuba.. had a long term relationship with a woman from Quebec.. after a few years, they got married.. not very long after the marriage.. she found out she had cancer.. she died within a year after their marriage.. sad.. (she was in her early 30s)... after she died.. they (friends) found out he was gay... One guy I met in Cuba, with who I had a sexual fling ... on two different trips.. was already married with a young girl in Quebec somewhere.. he was just waiting for his 'free pass' to go through immigration.. (I think they have to wait a year or something)... He finally moved here.. dumped her.. within a year and is now with another woman he met here. One of my closest friend, she was married, had an affair with a Cuban.. for over 8 years.. she was ready to leave her husband for this guy.. then she started to see some red flags.. finally dumped him.. and found out that within a year he moved to Montreal and got married with a woman here.. He contacted her to get together with her again.. she said no.. he's probably dumped her by now... she was single, with money.. These guys (most of them) are jerks.. they are used to have many women around.. they are usually hot and they have no problem getting all the women they want.
OpenBook Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 One guy a friend of mine knows very well.. from Cuba.. had a long term relationship with a woman from Quebec.. after a few years, they got married.. not very long after the marriage.. she found out she had cancer.. she died within a year after their marriage.. sad.. (she was in her early 30s)... after she died.. they (friends) found out he was gay... This is what happened to the author of the book that "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" was based on. Well, except for the cancer part. Nasty divorce, happened just last year. I wonder how she could have not known he was gay for so long after they got married (I think they were married for a total of 7 years).
Lizzie60 Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 This is what happened to the author of the book that "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" was based on. Well, except for the cancer part. Nasty divorce, happened just last year. I wonder how she could have not known he was gay for so long after they got married (I think they were married for a total of 7 years). Not for the most part it was a LDR.. they got married when he had his 'passport' ... they lived less than a year together..
Author shamen Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Hi all, I've decided to wait and see what he does. He's promised me that it's all over. That he does indeed love me. I've been posting about this on another site and everyone there is in the same boat as me (immigrant spouses) and have gotten very varied responses from divorce him to do what you feel best. We're currently not going to get divorced. All I can do now is wait and see... He's done everything that I've asked in terms of winning back my trust. Thanks everyone for your thoughts...
Posco_Proudfoot Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Where did you meet him? Maybe a little background. You got your husband into the US where he was having online affairs before that time. Seems really complicated.
Author shamen Posted January 4, 2009 Author Posted January 4, 2009 Where did you meet him? Maybe a little background. You got your husband into the US where he was having online affairs before that time. Seems really complicated. I met him overseas when I was traveling. I've visited him many times in his home country and lived there for a while. I found out recently that he was having the online affairs; one of which went back to all the way back when he first got here. He came here on a fiance visa. We got married, and here we are. Things are going to take some time to re-establish in terms of the trust... this is not something one recovers from quickly.
mental_traveller Posted January 8, 2009 Posted January 8, 2009 He probably just married you for the green card, and once he's legally resident, he will cheat on you and/or dump you now that you have outlived your usefulness to him.
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