little_devil Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hello! This might be quite a long post, since this year has been very confusing, and I've had so many ups and downs in my relationship...I have been with my bf for 8 years now. It has been a wonderful relationship, based on trust and honesty...until this spring. About 6 months ago he started talking about breaking up, telling me he feels confused, tired of our relationship, that he is feeling drained of energy. He said it's not about someone else, it's just us. I tried to make it work, I tried everything, but then I found out he was in fact seeing someone else behind my back, a girl I had never heard of, they had been going out for a couple of weeks (if what he told me was the truth). Even so, I still tried to make it work, I begged him to reconsider and to give me an honest chance....he said yes, then for a couple of weeks it was a little better, we went on a short vacation together. When we came back, believing that I had fallen asleep he jumped to the phone, started smsing...later I read that sms (not nice, I know...but I was quite desperate at that time)...it said he misses her and can't wait to speak to her in the morning...I finally moved out, we broke up and for the next weeks I was in hell. It lasted less than a month, he came back telling me he is trully sorry, that he was stupid to do something like that, that he wants me back, that he loves me and is willing to do anything to make it work. I said yes, because I felt that still loved him at that time. Unfortunately....life often plays this sort of tricks on us...in those weeks we were separated I met someone, a guy I had known for a while, but I had never been romantically involved with...which was in a similar position, having very recently broke up from a long term relationship. We had a very short and extremely intense lovestory, interrupted by my bf's return. Initially I decided to accept my bf back and make it work. I told this new guy what my decision was and he understood. And for about a month it was ok. And then I realised I just missed him too much, we spoke, met and made love in two different occasions and it was so deeply intimate. We also spoke openly about the future and eachother's options...I told him I really like him and I am willing to risk it and try something with him. His answer was that he is also in love with me and would like to be with me for a while, rather short, since he is not feeling prepared to enter another long relationship...he wants to live, he wants freedom. Pretty honest... I felt that what he offered was not enough, because I would like a life with him, not just a few months. Meanwhile my bf is being Mr. Perfect, trying to make up for his horrible mistake, doing everything I could possibly whish for, before even whishing it...makes love to me more passionate than ever, does the laundry, dishes, shows the deepest remorse, is attentive, loving, bought the diamond ring and proposed...but I don't feel as I used to, around him...when he left, he broke something and I don't know how to mend it...I am not sure I still love him, I don't trust him because of what he did, I am still gealous about the other girl, I can't forgive him for breaking my heart...but I do appreciate everything he's doing now...I feel bad for seeing the other guy on those two occasions, but I don't want to speak to my bf about it. I think about the other guy pretty much, I am quite in love with him..and now I have to give an answer to the marriage proposal form my bf...I'm just so ****ed up right now. I must say that in those 8 years with my bf I never cheated on him, physically or emotionally....and I'm pretty sure this goes for him to. I've never been so confused about my feelings....please, any advice might prove to be useful. Thanks!
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I was sort of in your situation 6 months ago. And what I realized is that no matter what I will never get back together with someone who went behind my back and chose someone else over me and then realized they have made a mistake. No matter what. Just like you, I never cheated on my ex and I never even thought about it, but he ended up (not technically cheating) but seeing someone behind my back and that is unforgivable. When you talk about how you don't feel the same way about your boyfriend of 8 years, I know exactly what you mean. Yes, he's doing all of these nice things for you. But think about it... you said it yourself: when he was seeing that girl, you did EVERYTHING to make you two work and NOTHING worked because he still ENDED UP choosing HER over you. Now, he's doing EXACTLY the same thing - he's trying to do everything right to make it work. But remember when you were doing that how it ended? Think about it. You don't feel the same way about your boyfriend of 8 years (or so you've said). So why marry someone you're not in love with? I was in the exact same situation and I sat down, really thought about it (except I didn't have another guy on the side like you... that would have probably made my life easier), and realized I'm better off without him. You CAN and WILL fall in love again - like you said, you already feel like you're in love with this other guy. I realized that I was only feeling pity towards my ex and that's why I was still with him - there was nothing else. So, really think about it. If you're not feeling in love right now, most likely you won't feel it again with this guy (no matter what you try). You will only find yourself trapped in marriage you didn't want with a person you don't love (at least that's how I felt about the whole situation). Have you tried talking with him about this other girl to see what EXACTLY happened between them? Because when my ex came crawling back, it was because she left him and she couldn't be with him. So he came back to me. If this is the case, watch out, because if she texts him again and says she wants to be with him, guess where he is going to go? (I know this for a fact because when I said "no" to the proposal, I also decided not to see him anymore - cut all ties with him. Since we had mutual friends, guess what I heard?! She texted him 2 weeks later saying how she wants to be with him and how she had made a mistake. And he went back to her. Their relationship didn't end up being long but that's besides the point. If I was still with him then AND engaged, I wonder whether he would go back to her and I think I know the answer). I hope this post helped you a bit. I'm going to tell you that I feel so much better now that I'm not with him. I can't say that I don't miss our relationship, but we were just never meant to be. I feel quite satisfied with my life now and I was really happy being single again (I'm not single anymore though).
lofi_tokyo Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Lovingalways, your post was great! Thank you for putting it up. My ex started seeing someone else behind my back, and ended up leaving me for her and... I'm over the guy, for the reasons you posted about your own story, and its nice to just hear someone else say exactly how I feel. Thanks!
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Lovingalways, your post was great! Thank you for putting it up. My ex started seeing someone else behind my back, and ended up leaving me for her and... I'm over the guy, for the reasons you posted about your own story, and its nice to just hear someone else say exactly how I feel. Thanks! You're welcome. I'm glad you found happiness.
gwynieatpain Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Littledevil, it sounds awkard but I envy you for the fact that you have had the chance to know the truth from him (even partially), the chance you guys spoke openly over the whole thing, and the chance to make up even if it wasn't really 'succeed' at the end. Lovingalways, thanks for your sharing. I'm trying to guide myself to think in this way. I hope I can completely let go one day.
saturnfell Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi Little Devil, I guess the question is: this man (the one you have been with for 8 years) could you imagine your life without him? I know many people who visit this forum, will be angry with what i say but... people make mistakes. It's the person who needs to understand whether they can forgive the person and move on from it or not. We're not perfect and we all make mistakes. The decision you need to make is whether or not you can forgive him or not. The second step would be to sit down with him, and talk it out. If you decided to give this man another chance, the second chance would be on your terms and your terms only. This is really up to you.
Author little_devil Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you all for your answers and sorry for not replying sooner. I was able to talk with my bf about his affair. He told me that the other girl was OK, and was willing to struggle for him, but he could not think about anything else than me while he was with her. he also said he realised that he doesn't want to loose me and he got scared...so he came back to salvage what he could. He says he loves me and that it was all a big, horrible mistake he woul never repeat. And I believe him.. As for me, I feel better around him, I start getting used to him again, feelings are coming back slowly but it's still not what it used to be. As for the question "would you picture your life without him.."....I probably would picture my life without him (I would have even before the affair ... I think no one is irreaplaceable) ... but at the same time ...when I think about the future his image is always in the picture... I don't know if I can forgive him. I would like to be able to, but... As for the other man ... that's a nasty issue for me: we met twice since the beginning of the year, talked about 'us' ... he now likes me even more than before and is really interested in starting something with me (but still considers only short term stuff) and even proposed moving together. In case I decide to break up with my bf. I like him, I admire him for his vivid intelligence, he is a person I could clearly build something precious with (but I'm scared by his short term thinking). I miss him, I think about him omost every day, but it's not killing me... I told my bf I don't want to get married now, because I'm not sure what to do about him (I haven't told him anything about the other guy...but I become more and more aware of the fact that I will have to tell him, no matter what the decision). My bf says that if I would like to try to be with someone else (I told him that the idea is sort of haunting me) he will wait for me. But I know it would not be fair to him (even though he lied to me, it doesn't mean that now I have to become a serial liar...it's just that I'm kind of confused). What to do then? Stay with the cheating but remorseful boyfriend, which I still love despite all, and with whom I get along fine, and share omost everything with, even though the sparks are pretty gone? Or leave him and try to see what I can build with this man I'm inlove with, but not so attached to, which is not so involved as I would like to? Or leave both of them aside and just be alone until I realise what is best for me? this is quite unrealistic, since I really can't picture myself living alone for more than a few weeks
SRV Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Or leave both of them aside and just be alone until I realise what is best for me? this is quite unrealistic, since I really can't picture myself living alone for more than a few weeks This is what you need to do IMHO. The newness of a relationship is a thrilling feeling as opposed to that same old feeling of the familiar. What would you want the OP to do if the roles were reversed? What would be fair and the best way to go about it? Don't you think that the OP needs to know of the other man instead of stringing him along? Wouldn't you want to know if you were in their shoes in order to make the best & most informed decision?
Author little_devil Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 You are absolutely right...I was on the other side of the fence and I really wanted to know the truth, but my boyfriend refused to speak about it. So now I find myself in a similar position, not because I want to get even with him, it's just one of those bad timings...The truth is that I don't have the courage to tell him about my feelings for some other guy, for fear I might loose him. The problem is I like both of them alot which theoretically is impossible...when you love someone there's no place for another...but the separation (which he initiated) allowed me to meet someone else, and that someone else happened to be an amazing person. My bf is also someone I (used to) look up to...till the moment he cheated on me and lied about it. I now have two great men in my life (I don't say either of them is perfect ... my bf cheated and the other guy is a little unstable when it comes to relationships), I enjoy talking to both of them, I have deep feelings for one and I started developing some new feelings for the other... Meanwhile I'm quite messed up, I cry once in two days, because the state of indecision is eating me up. I fear loosing both of them, and I probably will ...
Author little_devil Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Hi everybody! Haven't written in a while, just wanted to let you know the continuation of my story, and maybe to hear some further advice from you. At the end of February I decided to break up with my bf, to see how I felt. I moved out etc. I had also interrupted my communication with the other guy, because I was a bit disappointed in him...a little bit inlove still, but disappointed by his indecision. The separation lasted about a month, then I decided to give it another try with my bf, so I moved back with him. Just as we were starting to adjust to eachother again, the other guy starts calling me, telling me he wants to see me, we meet, kiss and do some more stuff together. Then he tells me he is not inlove with me, so we decide to end all kind of contact, because it's not going anywhere. So now, I stopped talking to this man, because he's obviously hurting me, and he doesn't know what he wants. I told my bf about the other man, he was hurt, but he still wants to do whatever it takes to make it work. We are ok, he's doing all these little gestures showing me how much he cares, but I'm still too emotional, a lot of crying and depression from my side. Sometimes things are ok, sometimes it's just not enough. I still think a lot about the other guy, and I still feel inlove with him. At the same time, I realise I love my boyfriend, and our story is so important to me...but I just can't forgive him for his cheating. Will I ever be able to?...
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