Wizzy76 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I have been the OW for 10 years now but we have been living together since. To make this story short and concise, we have been living together for 10 years now, he's got 2 kids and his W only made the decision to make it legal just recently. He still sees his children every now and then and he has been friends with W just recently. Problem is, over these past few years I have noticed the distance. Him wanting to back into the grove, going out with friends coming home late at night. He said this was part of work. In as much as I wanted to believe I feel something strange going on. Plus the fact that we never go out as much as we used to. I have confronted him many times about this gradual changes and I have asked him many times if he still wanted to go on with this relationship, yet his constant reply is he still does. I don't know what is going on anymore and I could feel him slowly slipping away from me. Question is --- should I initiate the move and leave? There is pain I could no longer bare seeing and feeling all the changes in him. It is cold and distant and seemingly disinterested. He is no longer the same. Question --- how can one walk away from a 10 year realtionship despite the fact that she is only the OW? Your inputs would be much appreciated.
jj33 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 So sorry to hear things are not going well. The fact that you are OW doesnt mean you dont have the right to be happy. Or that it wont be painful to leave. Its been 10 years of your life. If you feel like he is slipping away and he isnt making any effort to improve the relationship then yes you may need to leave. ALl the best for the new year
Author Wizzy76 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 thanx JJ33, it is indeed tough to let go of a 10-year relationship. But somehow I have to start. I just wish there is a better and less painful way of doing so. He keeps telling me he still loves me but his actions speaks otherwise.
marlena Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Wizzy, Yes, 10 years is a big chunk out of anyone's life and a huge emotional investment. I can understand your reticence in not wanting to just throw it all awayin a moment's time. Perhaps, you should some exercise some patience and see what happens. Nothing stays hidden for long under the sun and I am sure that you will have your answers sometime soon in the future. His reasons for distancing himself from you may be due to a number of reasons. Some may have nothing to do with you at all. It may be his own personal demons that he is fighting with. You will just have to wait and see. What do you think his reasons are for emotionally alienating himself from you? From your post, I get the feeling that you are afraid that he may be feeling nostalgia for his wife and kids. Is this what you suspect? Or perhaps a third party? I'd be watchful and patient. If you think he is open to communication, then, I would try reaching him. If he has shut down emotionally, I would set a time frame in my mind and wait and see what happens. Best of luck. M
lavendera Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Or maybe you should think back to when he was still living with the wife and lying to her about his feelings and whereabouts. She very likely felt the distance but didn't know where it was coming from. A man will rarely be honest about another woman in his life. I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him.
bentnotbroken Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Or maybe you should think back to when he was still living with the wife and lying to her about his feelings and whereabouts. She very likely felt the distance but didn't know where it was coming from. A man will rarely be honest about another woman in his life. I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him. Exactly, maybe asking his wife how she finally got to that point, you will find your answer.
Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Ha-hem... as far as I'm concerned.. if you've been living with him for 10 years.. you weren't the OW .. but you were his common-law spouse.. I guess he was separated, not divorced.. separation for that long IMO is not being 'married' to the W anymore..
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 The relationship is the best it is ever going to be, and it will continue to go downhill from here. The harder you work to make it better, or to prevent the downward turn - the quicker it will happen. What to do? Leave now and try to spare yourself some pain later. The longer you stay, the less time you have left to find someone who will really make you happy.
NoIDidn't Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I'm still stuck on the "only the OW" question. You've been living with him for 10 years, right? That makes you far more than "only" the OW. If you are in the US, in some states, you practically could be his common law spouse (except in cases, like yours, where he already has one). If he's acting hinky to you and you've been with him for 10 years, something is up. Find out what it is. And if you want to walk, walk. Regardless of your feelings of insignificance to him.
frannie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hello Wizzy. You say your boyfriend's W has 'just decided' to make the divorce legal after 10 years, is that right? Do you think that his changes in behaviour date from her informing him that he is going to be single..? What kind of timescale has there been? Did you get together with him while he was still 'with' her (rather than separated, but still married)? Do you think he is looking for someone else (or has found someone else) because he maybe needs two women in his life? I know not every cheater is like that, and you don't confirm that he cheated on her, but perhaps that's the way he is. I would be checking up on his whereabouts while he's 'working'. Perhaps get a VAR for his car, or start checking his phonebills to see if there are unexplained texts, etc. Oh, and I'd stop referring to yourself as an OW, if you've been living with him for a decade
JackJack Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I'm sure there was a time where his wife felt he was cold and distant to her as well, maybe when he first started seeing you. Maybe things have come full circle for him and the relationship. What do you feel you need to do?
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 When you got involved with him he was a cheater. You now have a relationship with a cheater. If he is cold and distant. He most likely has number 3 in the wings. I think you obviously need to replace him with somebody else' husband.
White Flower Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 Ha-hem... as far as I'm concerned.. if you've been living with him for 10 years.. you weren't the OW .. but you were his common-law spouse.. I guess he was separated, not divorced.. separation for that long IMO is not being 'married' to the W anymore.. I agree, especially if the W just decided recently to make it legal. He may just be going through a temporary rut or maybe your suspicions are right. It wouldn't hurt to talk with his ex at this point. Why can't you all be friends, especially when kids are involved?
Angel1111 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 If you feel this way, then your instincts are probably right. Just distance yourself from him, or end it completely. This may seem like the end but it's actually the only way to get his undivided attention. It'll probably snap him out of it. If it doesn't, then he was going to leave anyway. And, I agree with the others, you weren't the OW. Keep us posted.
brothelmaiden Posted January 10, 2009 Posted January 10, 2009 So it's ten years. Would you want it to turn into 20 years of waste?
Author Wizzy76 Posted January 12, 2009 Author Posted January 12, 2009 thanks for all the replies, you've all been really helpful. I guess the best thing for me to do at this point is to think things over and make my move. thanks everyone for the advice.
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