You'reasian Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 Inspite of all my regrets part of me is wanting him to choose me. I love him. I can tell by the way that he treats me that he loves me. He is always with me or emailing/texting me and I see something in his eyes. He is always at my place. We have lots of tender, sweet moments. They make me cry because I wonder if it is the last one. Any day he can tell me he is leaving. He said that if he does go back to her he will be grateful to have known true love with me and he will take that with him. That is one of the first things he told me in the begining. He said that he is willing to love me and hurt from the lost if it means he can have this time with me. I've said to him that studies show most married men don't leave so why put ourselves through the pain. He says that he doesnot know what will happen. Thanks for reading this. I really needed to share. Please comment. Well you said he is separated, right? so he is certainly available.... Congratulations! You found someone who really digs you and you him! That's a rare find.
Author cliffdweller Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 What is really strange here is... *that he and his W had been separated for a year before you met * He still tells you that he is in the process of choosing between you and his wife * You hope he picks you In real life this translates to: *His wife threw him out - who knows when or why *He is still hoping to reconcile, which is why you are a secret * He enjoys your wondering who he will pick Not thats theres anything wrong with this - if this is the kind of thing you enjoy. After this much time, plus the whole year the marriage was in separation before you - if he was being honest with either of you - you would not be secret from his wife, children, friends, family. Thanks for sharing the different perspective on his actions. I hadn't thought about the possibility that she kicked him out. I like that i am getting a variety of views on the site.
Author cliffdweller Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Wow CD... YOU ARE BEING WAY TOO HARSH ON YOURSELF. You are far from being the other woman. He was seperated a YEAR before getting together with you! The day my ex husband got another woman pregnant, I didn't need a signed piece of paper to define my marriage was over... it simply was. Then, after the shock wore off- we had a formal seperation, then proceeded with a divorce. I too considered myself single the moment he betrayed me and I left. I can perhaps provide a bit of insight into why he kept his status a secret. I know for myself I spent a long time being ashamed that my marriage hadn't worked out. I felt like a failure. I was afraid of being judged, and that led to shame. I didn't announce it to everyone I met because of that fear of judgement and condemnation. That doesn't excuse the fact that he wasn't upfront about it immediately. Unfortunately, that has set the precedence for your entire relationship and the trust issues you are having. Please stop fooling yourself into believing you are the other woman. The issue rather seems to be that of trust. He seems to be taking care of his parenting duties, and he spends most evenings with you. Didn't you also say that his ex lives with another man? I understand that the divorce paper is important to you, but I see no reason to believe he still pines for his ex. If anything, he sounds very dedicated to you. Please stop and take a deep breath here. You are carrying around a whole lot of guilt and even some self loathing here. I suspect it stems from your religious views. I know that must be difficult to reconcile with. Apart from the initial manipulation (which was wrong)... you haven't mentioned much else that leads me to believe you are being decieved. Is there a part of you that can forgive him that initial mistake in order to learn how to build some trust in the relationship? If he finalized a divorce with his ex... would that change how you feel? Would you feel better about things or still harbour resentment? I think you have to decide if you can forgive him for not telling you he was seperated in the early stages of your friendship/dating. Even if he does get a divorce, can you let it go? If him being divorced is truly important- get on the discussion horse with him about that. Be firm about your needs. Honestly honey, you are being so hard on yourself in thinking you are the other woman or destroying a happy family. They destroyed themselves a long time before you even entered into the picture. What's it going to take for you to find happiness here? Does this relationship need to end? Is there something that can be done? I think you have to take a good hard look at how realistic your doubt is/isn't. He even invited you to his place initially... a man still entangled with his wife wouldn't do that. He was probably trying to show you that by asking you over. I really do need to talk to him more about the situation and divorce. I've got to start talking more to him about this since it bothers me so much. If he did get a divorce I would trust him more and I would have more access to his life. That would help me make a more clear decision about whether I want to be with him long term. I'd get to see if we could last in the "real world" and if I feel comfortable trusting him in it. Thanks for your help. If I left him without talking to him first and clearly displaying my needs I would regret it. Yeah I do need to breathe and think about what it'll take for me to be happy here.
LavendarGirl Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Hi cliffdweller, Okay, reading your story as you describe I see essentially Your sM was dishonest with you from the start by not telling you until you were emotionally hooked, that he was separated from his wife.Your sM keeps playing mind games with you by telling you he's fraught with guilt over possibly leaving his family and especially his kids, and then going on to say that if he left them, it would be because of you. He's pinning the guilt on your shoulders, and you feel burdened by it (rightfully so)You question your own self worth -- are you worthy of love, can you find another love if you were to walk away from this oneYou feel an imbalance in this relationship because of the whole wife-separation deal, and the relationship is not a 50/50 give and take.The dynamics here don't sound good...I think your intuition is telling you to get out while your fears are keeping you in the relationship. By the way, I think 2sure hit the nail on the head. He's wanting to get back together with his W, and for whatever reason, she's the one keeping him at bay. If that's the case, he would reconcile with her the minute she gives him the green light. --LG.
NoIDidn't Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 My vote is with 2sure. I know quite a bit about insecure men and their habits. They don't like to make changes. Divorce is a big change. And they are very good at making others feel insecure. They do a lot of push-pull in relationships. It sounds like that is what is happening here. If there is any consolation here, its the fact that he won't leave cliff anytime soon either.
frannie Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I really do need to talk to him more about the situation and divorce. I've got to start talking more to him about this since it bothers me so much. If he did get a divorce I would trust him more and I would have more access to his life. That would help me make a more clear decision about whether I want to be with him long term. I'd get to see if we could last in the "real world" and if I feel comfortable trusting him in it. Thanks for your help. If I left him without talking to him first and clearly displaying my needs I would regret it. Yeah I do need to breathe and think about what it'll take for me to be happy here. Hello CD, welcome to the forum, though I'd agree that from what you've written you don't sound much like an OW - but you're facing some of the same problems that anyone dating a SM faces. I agree you need to talk to him more about divorce, also about how it makes you feel with him still married, and about his initial lies and how they've left you feeling. Also, have you heard what happened about his marriage breakdown? I agree that he sounds insecure and that explains his initial lying, but I think he does need to address that. In fact I'd suggest that he's the one who perhaps might benefit from some counselling over his insecurities and guilt, because it seems he's likely to pass them on to you (is doing so). I also agree with those who say you're being WAY too hard on yourself!! Errr I also can't see what people are saying about you enjoying this far too much. Anyone who can't see you're in mental agonies over this must be reading it all wrong
missswiss Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 hi hun, i cant rreally offer any advice as im in the same situation... love him so much, but agree this will not be happening in a year from now... having said that i see posts from women who have been the other woman for 5, 10 years, and i wonder if they ever felt like us too.. and the years just kept on coming. not sure how old you are, but for me, 32 is around the corner and freaking me out - i want a family and to settle down, he already has that... this sux doesnt it?!!!!!!!!! xxxx
frannie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 hi hun, i cant rreally offer any advice as im in the same situation... love him so much, but agree this will not be happening in a year from now... having said that i see posts from women who have been the other woman for 5, 10 years, and i wonder if they ever felt like us too.. and the years just kept on coming. not sure how old you are, but for me, 32 is around the corner and freaking me out - i want a family and to settle down, he already has that... this sux doesnt it?!!!!!!!!! xxxx Yes. That's exactly what happens. Once you're in it takes a monumental effort to get out. I think that's what we don't realise going in, nor do those who say 'oh just go NC and forget him'. It's just not that easy. Simple, yes, but easy? No.
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