Never thought I'd be in this

[cliffdweller]

Here is my story. I really need share all this that is going on in my life with someone and I have noone to talk to about it. I'm glad I found this site.

 

 

My mm is someone I know from the gym I go to. We started working out together and I developed a crush on him. I DID NOT know he was married - he never mentioned having a family and he does not wear a ring. I'm sort of shy and not forward at all so I didn't just tell him that I liked him. I tried flirting with him and that got me no where and after about 3 months I was completely in love with him.

 

We worked out together all the time, he texted, im'ed, and emailed me constantly all day. We had lots of deep and meaningful conversations...he became my best friend. I was really flustrated because he wanted to be around me soo much but would never ask me out. I tried little round about ways of asking him if he had someone but he just acted like he didn't catch on.

 

So after 3 months I finally came right out and asked him. He told me he was separated and had been for a year. He also told me that he has feelings for me too. He wanted to tell me about his situation but only after he had gotten me close enough to him that I would not walk away if I knew. He told me he was counting on me being too shy to come right out and ask him if he was married. I was angry that he used my shyness against me and was setting me up to be in this situation, but for some reason I couldn't stay mad at him. I loved him and knowing that he loved me too was hard to resist. I had completely fixated on him for so long I didn't have the ability to walk away. I have never dated much mostly because I am shy and I don't go out much. Finding him and spending time with him gave me something I was missing - love. I feel pathetic. I think I should have been mad and I should have fell out of love with him when I found out that he used me.

 

Well, at first I cut off all communication with him and then he wooed me back. I tried to leave him alone about 6 or 7 times over a 3 month period and each time I went back our relationship progressed some. After the first time we had our first kiss, next time we were making out, next time I was trying to just be friends with him and we were just hanging out at my house..so on and so forth until a full affair.

 

I've been involved with him for about 6 months now all together. He says that his wife cheated on him twice and they had been arguing a lot so they separated. She is living with another man. Honestly I don't trust him enough to completely believe his story on how the separation happened. I do know that they are separated because he practically lives with me. He sleeps at my place every night and has been doing so for about 2 or 3 months now.

 

He told me that he does not love her anymore. However, he does not know if he wants to get a divorce or stay with her for the kids sake. He says that they don't talk about it at all. He has 3 kids with his wife. They just speak to eachother about the kids and not their relationship. He told me that more and more I am becoming a part of his decision to leave her or not.

 

I told him in the begining that I didn't want to be a part of his decision. If he left her for me I could not look his kids in the face. I am torn inside. I want him but not like this. I don't see an outcome with me and him being together that I could be completely proud of. The closest thing is if she leaves him for another person then it wouldn't be him leaving her.

 

Whenever I think about leaving him I feel like my world will fall apart. I feel like I won't be able to function at work and that I'll end up telling someone because I can't get through it alone. If I tell someone I'll lose something in that person's eyes. I am a christian and most of my family and friends are too. I feel like I don't belong in church anymore but I keep going because I'm hoping I can find who I use to be again. I stopped taking communion. I stopped asking God to forgive me because I keep going back to the mm. I've always been an innocent angel in everyone's eyes and I hate that I am lying to them now. My mm filled a lonely void in my life that shouldn't have been there. I was so alone and lonely. I wish I had the sense to stop liking him after he didn't ask me out in a reasonable amount of time in the very begining. I fell for him without looking out for my heart first.

 

Inspite of all my regrets part of me is wanting him to choose me. I love him. I can tell by the way that he treats me that he loves me. He is always with me or emailing/texting me and I see something in his eyes. He is always at my place. We have lots of tender, sweet moments. They make me cry because I wonder if it is the last one. Any day he can tell me he is leaving. He said that if he does go back to her he will be grateful to have known true love with me and he will take that with him. That is one of the first things he told me in the begining. He said that he is willing to love me and hurt from the lost if it means he can have this time with me. I've said to him that studies show most married men don't leave so why put ourselves through the pain. He says that he doesnot know what will happen.

 

Thanks for reading this. I really needed to share. Please comment.

[bentnotbroken]

Here is my story. I really need share all this that is going on in my life with someone and I have noone to talk to about it. I'm glad I found this site.

 

 

My mm is someone I know from the gym I go to. We started working out together and I developed a crush on him. I DID NOT know he was married - he never mentioned having a family and he does not wear a ring. I'm sort of shy and not forward at all so I didn't just tell him that I liked him. I tried flirting with him and that got me no where and after about 3 months I was completely in love with him.

 

We worked out together all the time, he texted, im'ed, and emailed me constantly all day. We had lots of deep and meaningful conversations...he became my best friend. I was really flustrated because he wanted to be around me soo much but would never ask me out. I tried little round about ways of asking him if he had someone but he just acted like he didn't catch on.

 

So after 3 months I finally came right out and asked him. He told me he was separated and had been for a year. He also told me that he has feelings for me too. He wanted to tell me about his situation but only after he had gotten me close enough to him that I would not walk away if I knew. He told me he was counting on me being too shy to come right out and ask him if he was married. I was angry that he used my shyness against me and was setting me up to be in this situation, but for some reason I couldn't stay mad at him. I loved him and knowing that he loved me too was hard to resist. I had completely fixated on him for so long I didn't have the ability to walk away. I have never dated much mostly because I am shy and I don't go out much. Finding him and spending time with him gave me something I was missing - love. I feel pathetic. I think I should have been mad and I should have fell out of love with him when I found out that he used me.

 

Well, at first I cut off all communication with him and then he wooed me back. I tried to leave him alone about 6 or 7 times over a 3 month period and each time I went back our relationship progressed some. After the first time we had our first kiss, next time we were making out, next time I was trying to just be friends with him and we were just hanging out at my house..so on and so forth until a full affair.

 

I've been involved with him for about 6 months now all together. He says that his wife cheated on him twice and they had been arguing a lot so they separated. She is living with another man. Honestly I don't trust him enough to completely believe his story on how the separation happened. I do know that they are separated because he practically lives with me. He sleeps at my place every night and has been doing so for about 2 or 3 months now.

 

He told me that he does not love her anymore. However, he does not know if he wants to get a divorce or stay with her for the kids sake. He says that they don't talk about it at all. He has 3 kids with his wife. They just speak to eachother about the kids and not their relationship. He told me that more and more I am becoming a part of his decision to leave her or not.

 

I told him in the begining that I didn't want to be a part of his decision. If he left her for me I could not look his kids in the face. I am torn inside. I want him but not like this. I don't see an outcome with me and him being together that I could be completely proud of. The closest thing is if she leaves him for another person then it wouldn't be him leaving her.

 

Whenever I think about leaving him I feel like my world will fall apart. I feel like I won't be able to function at work and that I'll end up telling someone because I can't get through it alone. If I tell someone I'll lose something in that person's eyes. I am a christian and most of my family and friends are too. I feel like I don't belong in church anymore but I keep going because I'm hoping I can find who I use to be again. I stopped taking communion. I stopped asking God to forgive me because I keep going back to the mm. I've always been an innocent angel in everyone's eyes and I hate that I am lying to them now. My mm filled a lonely void in my life that shouldn't have been there. I was so alone and lonely. I wish I had the sense to stop liking him after he didn't ask me out in a reasonable amount of time in the very begining. I fell for him without looking out for my heart first.

 

Inspite of all my regrets part of me is wanting him to choose me. I love him. I can tell by the way that he treats me that he loves me. He is always with me or emailing/texting me and I see something in his eyes. He is always at my place. We have lots of tender, sweet moments. They make me cry because I wonder if it is the last one. Any day he can tell me he is leaving. He said that if he does go back to her he will be grateful to have known true love with me and he will take that with him. That is one of the first things he told me in the begining. He said that he is willing to love me and hurt from the lost if it means he can have this time with me. I've said to him that studies show most married men don't leave so why put ourselves through the pain. He says that he doesnot know what will happen.

 

Thanks for reading this. I really needed to share. Please comment.

 

 

Going to church isn't what is most important. Living God's principles in your heart are. It is time you own up to your part in what you know is wrong. His wife probably has no clue. And if she did and all he says is true, you know that he isn't divorced. You can't have it both ways. You can't have a mm and expect others to respect the person who is sleeping with a MM. Choose.

[cliffdweller]

I own my part in this. I am guilty. I am wrong. I made some bad choices.

[Geishawhelk]

Having recognised this, what do you need to do to put them right then?

[mrose2008]

You need to leave him alone and let him be there for his kids and wife..

[bentnotbroken]

I own my part in this. I am guilty. I am wrong. I made some bad choices.

 

 

So the next move is yours. What do you plan to do?

[Owl]

Having recognised this, what do you need to do to put them right then?

 

And THIS is why I like you, GW!

 

It's almost word for word what my response was going to be.

 

KNOWING that you're doing something wrong isn't enough. Regretting that you're doing something wrong isn't enough. Only by doing something about it will you TRULY demonstrate remorse, regret, and maturity.

[jwi71]

I can tell by the way that he treats me that he loves me.

 

Do explain. How does he treat you that shows you this.

 

Is it the lying that proves his love?

Is it the going home to his W every night that proves it?

Was it how he manipulated you in the beginning?

 

Help me out cliffdweller...I'm not seeing the love.

[Mio]

And THIS is why I like you, GW!

 

This is why I dislike you both and all those like you. Because there's no love in your advice. You treat people's feelings like so many crossword puzzles to solve.

[Owl]

Mio, I'd heartily suggest that you go back and read my OTHER 4500+ posts on this forum before you make that judgement.

 

I post, because I DO care.

 

I also am a firm believer in actively working to FIX a problem, rather than sit there and throw your hands up and claim that there's nothing that can be done.

 

Seriously...take a look at the THOUSANDS of posts I've had on the OW and Infidelity forums here...posting advice to both OW/OM and to WS/BS.

 

You might find yourself with a little bit of a different viewpoint if you do so.

 

Even THIS post was meant to help someone. You. I hope that you do take the time to learn a little more about my posts, and what I try to do for others on this forum.

[cliffdweller]

Do explain. How does he treat you that shows you this.

 

Is it the lying that proves his love?

Is it the going home to his W every night that proves it?

Was it how he manipulated you in the beginning?

 

Help me out cliffdweller...I'm not seeing the love.

 

 

Actually as I said before he stays with me every night. He has an apartment too and they have been separated for about 1 1/2 years altogether so he doesn't go home to her.

 

Yeah his lying does not show love and the manipulation doesn't either. The ways that he does is that he is with me all the time. If he isn't at work he is with me. Whenever I have tried to leave him he gets depressed - ok I don't know if that is from love or not. He fixes things around my place, he is encouraging to me, interested in my every thought, he is very kind and emotionally supportive when I have a problem. He cooks for me. He understands me and accepts me as I am. He finds things that i like (not gift but new interest like shows, websites, music) to share with me.

 

Is all of this part of love?

[Mio]

Mio, I'd heartily suggest that you go back and read my OTHER 4500+ posts on this forum before you make that judgement.

 

I post, because I DO care.

 

You're right, I mis-judged you. I just snapped when I watched two of you high-fiving each other.

 

I'm not a big of the Dr Phil approach, which is what I see going on in these OM/OW threads so often. It's very preachy, I think: "You must do what I say! NOW!" I come from a relationship forum where people with this kind of approach would get hounded out, probably even moderated.

 

The people there are in strongly addictive romances where their willpower is captive. Maybe I just feel protective of them by proxy. But I notice how, again and again, these people end up doing the right thing all round when given the space and support they need.

 

At least I see that you have life experience in this area you are writing. I'm sorry you had that experience. I hope you're writing is having a positive effect on others who are going through it.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually as I said before he stays with me every night. He has an apartment too and they have been separated for about 1 1/2 years altogether so he doesn't go home to her.

 

Yeah his lying does not show love and the manipulation doesn't either. The ways that he does is that he is with me all the time. If he isn't at work he is with me. Whenever I have tried to leave him he gets depressed - ok I don't know if that is from love or not. He fixes things around my place, he is encouraging to me, interested in my every thought, he is very kind and emotionally supportive when I have a problem. He cooks for me. He understands me and accepts me as I am. He finds things that i like (not gift but new interest like shows, websites, music) to share with me.

 

Is all of this part of love?

 

 

 

I don't know is it love? Has he shown enough concern about your life/or after life to do the right thing? You have said he is separated for a year and a half, why isn't he divorced by now? All the things you say he does around the place are things he should be doing since he lives there. You are being snowed and enjoying every minute of it.

[Mio]

I am a christian and most of my family and friends are too. I feel like I don't belong in church anymore but I keep going because I'm hoping I can find who I use to be again. I stopped taking communion. I stopped asking God to forgive me because I keep going back to the mm. I've always been an innocent angel in everyone's eyes and I hate that I am lying to them now.

 

Oh Cliffdweller, I feel so sad for the position that you are in. There seems to be so much condemnation lurking around every corner of your world. And it sounds like you are punishing yourself the most.

 

I know how painful it is to lose your innocence. It happened to me. My father had many affairs, and I swore I would never be like him. Then in my late 30's, I had an EA. I crumbled and my conscience made me pay a huge price.

 

What saddens me most about your situation is the element of entrapment. I don't mean to sound like your MM is "evil", but the way he hooked you in was an unloving act. It speaks loudly about his own insecurity. Which brings to my point: a man this insecure will never leave his wife.

 

I don't think there's anything magical I can say which will turn a key and change your life. This affair itself will be a transformational process if you want it to be though. Have a read of the stories of others who have been through this, waiting for their MM to come through for them. You'll discover that it rarely has a happy ending. It's very hard for men of conscience to leave their wives, as I discovered.

 

I appreciate the courage it took to post in here at all. I'm glad you told your story, and I hope it's the first step towards you finding a way out of this unfortunate and painful situation. My greatest hope of all is that you re-discover your love for yourself and realise that you have always been worthy of God's love, even right now.

[cliffdweller]

So the next move is yours. What do you plan to do?

 

 

When I stopped trying to leave him I did because I was pretty sure I'd go back. I was tired of the emotional roller coaster. In a completely different situation a friend of mine gave me the advice that when I find it hard to change something that I will change when I have had enough and I will be done with it only then. So applying it to this situation maybe it is when I have had enough (pain, guilt, torn up feeling inside, uncertainty...etc) I will be done and I won't be done until I have had enough. Does that resonate with any of the women on this board who were/are the OW?

 

I don't plan to just sit back and wait until that time when I have had enough though I do think that could be partly be the way people get out of stuff or break bad habits - you just finally can't take it anymore whether it is an affair or something completely different like wanting to lose weight but never really committing to change until you have had enough.

 

Coming to this board to talk/confess about it is a step toward change. I'm no longer ignoring that I am not ok with what I am doing - I am confronting my problem. I'm considering therapy too though I don't know if I will feel comfortable talking face to face with someone about this. Has anyone gotten therapy and it helped?

 

I promised myself that next time it would be for good when I stopped seeing him. I am trying to ready myself for that as much as I can. For sure I know enough about myself to know I won't be with him like this/ or at all a year from now.

[cliffdweller]

Oh Cliffdweller, I feel so sad for the position that you are in. There seems to be so much condemnation lurking around every corner of your world. And it sounds like you are punishing yourself the most.

 

I know how painful it is to lose your innocence. It happened to me. My father had many affairs, and I swore I would never be like him. Then in my late 30's, I had an EA. I crumbled and my conscience made me pay a huge price.

 

What saddens me most about your situation is the element of entrapment. I don't mean to sound like your MM is "evil", but the way he hooked you in was an unloving act. It speaks loudly about his own insecurity. Which brings to my point: a man this insecure will never leave his wife.

 

I don't think there's anything magical I can say which will turn a key and change your life. This affair itself will be a transformational process if you want it to be though. Have a read of the stories of others who have been through this, waiting for their MM to come through for them. You'll discover that it rarely has a happy ending. It's very hard for men of conscience to leave their wives, as I discovered.

 

I appreciate the courage it took to post in here at all. I'm glad you told your story, and I hope it's the first step towards you finding a way out of this unfortunate and painful situation. My greatest hope of all is that you re-discover your love for yourself and realise that you have always been worthy of God's love, even right now.

 

 

Thank you soo much for your kind words to me. *tears* I came to this site for support and you have given it to me. Thank you for encouraging me and being kind to me. I needed to hear that I'm still worthy of God's love. I had started thinking that I was not and that i wasn't worthy to get married someday either because of what I have done. I really needed to hear all of what you said.

 

Its a good point you made about him being to insecure to leave his wife. I hadn't made that connection between how he got to me and him likely being an insecure person.

 

I think everything happens for a reason and like you said this can be a transformational process for me. Whatever I lacked that allowed me to get here I will be sure to fix inside me so I won't have those issues anymore to set me up.

[cliffdweller]

I don't know is it love? Has he shown enough concern about your life/or after life to do the right thing? You have said he is separated for a year and a half, why isn't he divorced by now? All the things you say he does around the place are things he should be doing since he lives there. You are being snowed and enjoying every minute of it.

 

I didn't come here to argue with you or respond to to comments like "I'm enjoying every minute of it" that is not true and that is not me. I won't be responding to you anymore.

[D-Lish]

There are some facts I am confused about- and forgive me if I missed them in your post.

 

Was this guy seperated when you met him??

Does he see/spend time with his kids?

Does he have any sort of relationship with his wife that does not involve discussing the children?

 

If he is seperated, and was before you met- what makes you refer to yourself as the OW?

 

I started dating about 2-3 months after seperating, and we took almost 2 years to officially divorce. Not because we still wanted to be married to one another.

 

He has his own apartment... have you been to it?

Is it just that you doubt his sincerity over whether or not he still has relations with his wife? You say he spends almost every night at your apartment...

 

The relationship itself may be toxic for you, and that is something you surely have to deal with. If he has been seperated since you met him, then you are putting way too much emphasis on being the OW and judging yourself way too harshly over it.

[bentnotbroken]

When I stopped trying to leave him I did because I was pretty sure I'd go back. I was tired of the emotional roller coaster. In a completely different situation a friend of mine gave me the advice that when I find it hard to change something that I will change when I have had enough and I will be done with it only then. So applying it to this situation maybe it is when I have had enough (pain, guilt, torn up feeling inside, uncertainty...etc) I will be done and I won't be done until I have had enough. Does that resonate with any of the women on this board who were/are the OW?

 

I don't plan to just sit back and wait until that time when I have had enough though I do think that could be partly be the way people get out of stuff or break bad habits - you just finally can't take it anymore whether it is an affair or something completely different like wanting to lose weight but never really committing to change until you have had enough.

 

Coming to this board to talk/confess about it is a step toward change. I'm no longer ignoring that I am not ok with what I am doing - I am confronting my problem. I'm considering therapy too though I don't know if I will feel comfortable talking face to face with someone about this. Has anyone gotten therapy and it helped?

 

I promised myself that next time it would be for good when I stopped seeing him. I am trying to ready myself for that as much as I can. For sure I know enough about myself to know I won't be with him like this/ or at all a year from now.

 

A good therapist can help. The trick is finding a good one. Facing our demons are part of human growth, even the ones we invite into our lives. At least you recognize that this isn't going to get better®. Now, maybe if you view your situation as something that is killing you, you may be able to move. It is killing your soul, spirit and self worth. It will kill your instincts and confidence in your own judgement....if you let it. You just have to decide how close to death you are willing to come, before you fight for your life.

[bentnotbroken]

I didn't come here to argue with you or respond to to comments like "I'm enjoying every minute of it" that is not true and that is not me. I won't be responding to you anymore.

 

 

You don't have to respond, but I did mis-type. I intended to type "or" instead of "and". It is indeed your prerogative who to and who not to respond to.

[Mio]

Thank you soo much for your kind words to me. *tears* I came to this site for support and you have given it to me. Thank you for encouraging me and being kind to me. I needed to hear that I'm still worthy of God's love. I had started thinking that I was not and that i wasn't worthy to get married someday either because of what I have done. I really needed to hear all of what you said.

 

Its a good point you made about him being to insecure to leave his wife. I hadn't made that connection between how he got to me and him likely being an insecure person.

 

I think everything happens for a reason and like you said this can be a transformational process for me. Whatever I lacked that allowed me to get here I will be sure to fix inside me so I won't have those issues anymore to set me up.

 

Now you've got me crying! You're always worthy of God's love, Cliffdweller. He will never abandon you, and he will rejoice in your marriage when it happens.

 

I agree with what you said. I believe people come into our life for a reason. Maybe the affair is teaching you things you needed to learn. For example, that you don't need to be perfect, or that you are beautiful and precious in your own right, without the affirmation of another man. Whatever it is, I can see that you are allowing this transformation to happen right now. You will make it through and you will be a deeper person because of it.

[cliffdweller]

There are some facts I am confused about- and forgive me if I missed them in your post.

 

Was this guy seperated when you met him??

Does he see/spend time with his kids?

Does he have any sort of relationship with his wife that does not involve discussing the children?

 

If he is seperated, and was before you met- what makes you refer to yourself as the OW?

 

I started dating about 2-3 months after seperating, and we took almost 2 years to officially divorce. Not because we still wanted to be married to one another.

 

He has his own apartment... have you been to it?

Is it just that you doubt his sincerity over whether or not he still has relations with his wife? You say he spends almost every night at your apartment...

 

The relationship itself may be toxic for you, and that is something you surely have to deal with. If he has been seperated since you met him, then you are putting way too much emphasis on being the OW and judging yourself way too harshly over it.

 

Hi D-Lish, Yes he was separated for a year before I met him. He picks his kids up for school every morning and keeps them all day on saturdays. As far as I know he just talks about dealing with the kids with his wife. I'd never know for sure though. Not knowing if I can really trust him is a major issue I have since he lied to get me to be with him.

 

I've been using the term OW because he is still married. I'm not sure if it applies to my situation or not and I have wonder before if I was being to hard on myself but I am not comfortable with him still being married so its got to be wrong for me.

 

He considers himself to be single. Neither of them are trying to talk about divorce or getting back together.

 

I haven't seen the apartment. He asked me to come to it alot in the beginning. I said no because I was afraid his wife would drop by. He told me that she doesn't drop by and has rarely even been there. I was still not at ease cause I wondered who would see me there. I didn't want to have to answer a lot of questions from someone because they saw me at a man's apartment at night and I'm suppose to be single. I told him a few days ago that I wanted to see the place and then leave. He said ok. I changed my mind because I think I'd regret not ever seeing it and I might learn more about him from seeing his space.

 

I keep wondering if he can be trusted at all because of how he got me. Or did he just do what he had to do to get me and he would be ok to trust now. I know I can't live with the doubt for the long term and I don't really have a way to verify everything. The relationship does feel toxic because of all the mixed emotions I have about being with him - He is married but separated, he is with me every night but do I trust him.

[torranceshipman]

I don't think you need a therapist as has been suggested in this thread-you have all the answers you need inside you already and that is what is causing you so much conflict-you're not being true to your own values. I'm not being judgemental, its just clear that you hold strong values and you've made yourself uncomfortable by compromising them. You need to deal with that first, maybe by taking some time out to think. If he loves and respects you he'll understand that. I also think there is a reason that your instinct is shouting at you that something is wrong here...

[2sure]

What is really strange here is...

 

*that he and his W had been separated for a year before you met

* He still tells you that he is in the process of choosing between you and his wife

* You hope he picks you

 

In real life this translates to:

 

*His wife threw him out - who knows when or why

*He is still hoping to reconcile, which is why you are a secret

* He enjoys your wondering who he will pick

 

Not thats theres anything wrong with this - if this is the kind of thing you enjoy. After this much time, plus the whole year the marriage was in separation before you - if he was being honest with either of you - you would not be secret from his wife, children, friends, family.

[D-Lish]

Wow CD... YOU ARE BEING WAY TOO HARSH ON YOURSELF.

 

You are far from being the other woman. He was seperated a YEAR before getting together with you!

 

The day my ex husband got another woman pregnant, I didn't need a signed piece of paper to define my marriage was over... it simply was.

Then, after the shock wore off- we had a formal seperation, then proceeded with a divorce.

 

I too considered myself single the moment he betrayed me and I left.

 

I can perhaps provide a bit of insight into why he kept his status a secret. I know for myself I spent a long time being ashamed that my marriage hadn't worked out. I felt like a failure. I was afraid of being judged, and that led to shame. I didn't announce it to everyone I met because of that fear of judgement and condemnation.

 

That doesn't excuse the fact that he wasn't upfront about it immediately. Unfortunately, that has set the precedence for your entire relationship and the trust issues you are having.

 

Please stop fooling yourself into believing you are the other woman.

The issue rather seems to be that of trust.

 

He seems to be taking care of his parenting duties, and he spends most evenings with you. Didn't you also say that his ex lives with another man?

 

I understand that the divorce paper is important to you, but I see no reason to believe he still pines for his ex. If anything, he sounds very dedicated to you.

 

Please stop and take a deep breath here. You are carrying around a whole lot of guilt and even some self loathing here. I suspect it stems from your religious views. I know that must be difficult to reconcile with.

 

Apart from the initial manipulation (which was wrong)... you haven't mentioned much else that leads me to believe you are being decieved.

Is there a part of you that can forgive him that initial mistake in order to learn how to build some trust in the relationship?

 

If he finalized a divorce with his ex... would that change how you feel?

Would you feel better about things or still harbour resentment?

 

I think you have to decide if you can forgive him for not telling you he was seperated in the early stages of your friendship/dating. Even if he does get a divorce, can you let it go?

 

If him being divorced is truly important- get on the discussion horse with him about that. Be firm about your needs.

 

Honestly honey, you are being so hard on yourself in thinking you are the other woman or destroying a happy family. They destroyed themselves a long time before you even entered into the picture.

 

What's it going to take for you to find happiness here?

Does this relationship need to end? Is there something that can be done?

I think you have to take a good hard look at how realistic your doubt is/isn't.

 

He even invited you to his place initially... a man still entangled with his wife wouldn't do that. He was probably trying to show you that by asking you over.