Angel 81 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I have been dating my friend for 7 months, we have known each other for about 8 years. We have always been friends, but in a social way. He was married for 4 years, but for the last 2 years they have been separated, living in there own houses, and living there own lives. We recently made contact again, and started dating, very discretely, because the divorce was getting ready to go through. I was fine with this, because I knew what the consequences could bring upon him in court. OK here is the tough part, 1 month ago, his still wife, dies....Remember he is still leaglly married. He has to deal with all the Family, the going through her belongings, the funeral, etc. I did what I could to support him and help......still being discrete about or relationship. I understood he would have to have a grieveing period, but now he is isolating, and has become distant. He has asked me to give him sometime,which I have. I know there are feelings there and he has to sort through them all, and it is the Holidays which makes it even harder. This has taken a toll on me also, I have been the most supportive and understanding person that anyone could want, not pushy and given him much space. I just keep remembering, us and what we shared talked about, and I am hurting too. I feel like I just buried him and he is still alive. We have keeped in contact, almost everyday, until Christmas Day, this is the last day I have talked to him or recieved any emails. I am very concered about his welfare. My question is do I just keep giving him space? I have not called or emailed because I do not want to stress him any further. Or should I just go get him and pull him out of his isolation? This is a different situation, because they haven't shared a life for sometime, yes they were still friends, he wanted the best for her, it just wasn't him. Any suggestions are welcome...........
Pinkstar7896 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Wow, that must be very tough on him..He's probably just thinking of the times they had and the what if's..He's just going through a grieving phase and in time he will heal and you have been very respectful and kind to give him his space but you also need to not be afraid and just straight out ask like "hey are we still ok, " its not being selfish at all..well atleast not to me..just let him know your still there and be his support..and if he still remains distant for a long period then its really gonna be up to you wheather u wanna wait or just move on..
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 He's going through all manner of emotions, including Guilt. I'd lay off him for a while. Tell him you're going to lay low for a while, but that you'll contact him again on <*insert specific date here*> to maybe get together and chat and see how he is feeling. Make that date a couple of months ahead. Then see how he responds. if you get no response, assume he's agreed to that, bite the bullet, hang on - and wait. He may get in touch beforehand, but if not, bang on the button, keep your word. In the meantime, do some of the things you've always wanted to do. Lose some weight, make yourself look gorgeous, and anything else you can think of to up your stakes......
PWSX3 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I have never had someone really close to me die, but my buddy's mom did & after a year he has been sharing a lot of his feelings with me and it isn't easy. He said you don't want to do anything, you don't want to go have fun because he felt it wasn't fair that he could have fun when his mom died. It took him a year to finally get back doing things, wanting to get out, etc. Is your friend getting any help, going to a support group? My buddy did Hospice & he said that really helped and would recommend that to everyone. Doesn't matter if he was not living with her, she is still part of his life & he is needing to grieve.
lonelygurl Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I would say leave it be and give him time to grieve. He knows you are there and care for him. I know my dad's good friend left his wife for a woman, and then his wife ended up getting cancer. He left the woman to go care for his wife until she died. After she passed he did go back to the other woman and they ended up marrying until she ended up passing away. I'm sure he just needs time to grieve. Just let him have his space. I know it is hard for you though.
dgiirl Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Do you have any friends in common? My concerns would not necessarily be the relationship at this point but more of his state of mind. I wouldnt want him to be completely isolated but realize that a romantic partner might not be exactly what he needs right now. If you have any friends in common, ask them to keep an eye on him for you. At least then you can be more comfortable knowing that if you havent heard from him in a few weeks/month, he's still ok. 2 years seems long, but I bet her death woke a lot of feelings in him. Heck, i'm nearly 4 years separated, and been with my new guy for over a year, and, although not very often, I still have moments of grief regarding my divorce. I think my exh is a selfish ******* and realize he was definitely NOT right for me, we were like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, but I still mourn my dreams I once had for my future I wanted in a marriage.
Author Angel 81 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks for all the input, He called today and we have plans to spend a quiet evening together, babysitting his new grandbaby. This is wonderful, I can't wait to see him and reassure him, that I am there for the long haul, no matter how long, or what it takes. I haven't seen him since the funeral which was Dec 4th. He did tell me wait for the New Year, and it will much better than last year, hopefully this is the New Start..........Thanks again for your responses
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