Chevygirl Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 So I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He has a 2 yr old daughter. His ex girlfriend is complete crazy person (bipolar). He has his kid every other day. He doesn't want to pay child support, so he has "split" custody. The thing that makes this difficult is I knew my boyfriend when he was with his ex. I was dating one of his friends. So I knew his ex, then when I my previous relationship ended and my now boyfriend started dating, it was a huge mess. I know I should of let him get his stuff together first, but being madly in love blinds you sometimes from doing the right thing. Anyways, when she found out about us, it was ugly, she was moved out and everything, but he denied that I was his girlfriend in fear of losing his kid. I wasn't very happy about it. She would ask her daughter if I was around daddy and she would say yes. then the ex would call my boyfriend and freak out. well finally he fessed up and said I was his girlfriend, that was like 5 months ago. Well she still calls just to cause problems. I know I'll have to deal with her for the rest of our lives, but he wont even mention anything to her about me or let me come with him when he goes to pick his daughter up. when we go do fun activities he tells his ex about it but never says anything about me being there. I've talked to him about it but he says he doesn't want to rub it in her face. I guess I understand, but at the same time I kinda worry about the trust issue. Am I selfish for thinking that way?? Okay now on to the next problem, whenever he has his daughter over (every other day) she always ends up sleeping in the same bed with us. I know she's only 2 1/2 but still, she rarely ever sleeps in her own bed, and for some reason I have a HUGE issue with it. I've told him about it, but he gets mad and says thats just mean. Am I out of line??? I like his daughter a lot, but I don't feel like I'm as special as I used to be to my boyfriend, he used to make things about me and his kid, now it just seems to be all about the kid. I just feel a little left out, like he never puts pic's up of him and I, just his kid..just little stuff that bothers me....I don't want to sound like a horrible person for being like this, but sometimes it's really hard. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and we are great together..just some of this stuff is hard to deal with..like when his daughter wants me, he gets his feelings hurt. but other times she hates me and I feel he loves that cause all she wants is him. I'm just super confused, I feel like a horrible person because I'm worried my future step-kid. kids are innocent! I feeling I'm crying for attention from my boyfriend and it sucks feeling like that. Any input would be great...thank you
LovieDove24 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 He denied that I was his girlfriend in fear of losing his kid. If I were the mother of your bf's child I would be going fricken crazy as well. Why is he constantly lying to her still after over a year of dating you? Why haven't you all been properly introduced seeing as you are spending frequent time around her child? He is playing "cover up" for no apparant reason. What I'm saying here is that his ex probably isnt as batsh*t crazy as things seem on the outset. I don't think you should be pointing at her as the "bad guy" in all this. Your boyfriend is handling the transition between her and you very poorly and I can understand her anger from experience. Lying and covering things up to her is not going to produce smiles and rainbows...its going to produce a nagging woman who wants to know what the eff is going on. Sound familiar?
Eve Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Very briefly.. 1. Stay away from the ex as much as possible. Treat her as though she is a stranger who has to earn your trust. If you dont like her, trust your intuition. Sometimes women esteem themselves beyond their actual standing once they have a child. If she was a bitch before the child she will be a bitch after the child also. You do not have to prove anything to her. 2. Make bedtme fun for the little one and ensure her room is really pretty. Do the whole bedtime reading etc ritual and agree that when the sun comes up in the morning that she can then come into bed with you.. with her own pillow. Make sure she comes to Dads side of the bed so he can lift the quilt on his side and hug her. That way you can still be together intimately etc without any disruption at night and she can have her Daddy .. but in the morning. I did this with mine until they stopped coming into our room. I think that it is important that they know that they can always come to the parents room and receive comfort. Hope this helps.
Queequeg Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I agree with AlainasMama. Also, is his ex dating anyone new? You've been together for a year and a half...she hasn't dated anyone in that time? I know she has a toddler to look after, but if the custody is 50/50, surely she has had some free time. I don't know how she feels towards your boyfriend now, or what happened between them. But I should hope she has moved on, and maybe dated a little since then. If she has, this might make it easier for your boyfriend to tell the truth about his and your relationship. I can see why your boyfriend would think it would hurt her to know about your relationship...but he is being seriously immature about it. What is she going to do if he tells her about the fun stuff you do together? Freak out and kill you? If she really is crazy, maybe. But I'm thinking this is mostly a problem with him, not wanting to step on her toes. He needs to man up! It sounds like you aren't leaving any time soon, and his ex needs to know the truth, not the watered down version he's created for her.
Author Chevygirl Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thank you for all your input. Just to answer some of your questions. I don't know if she has been dating anyone, she has no job and collects unemployment, and lives with her mom, so she does have free time. Just the other day My boyfriend told me the she asked him if he would ever sleep with her again.he responded to leave him alone and that she was being an idiot. I kinda got upset with him cause I thought he should of said no. Then he got mad at me and said thats why he's not open with the stuff she says, cause I get upset about it. Which I know I shouldnt, I guess I watch to many movies where ex's get back together. But I Feel I should know everything that's going on. Is that to much to ask?? And yes he is not open about our relationship to her because of the fear of losing his daughter, he said it will come in time and I have to be patient. we've been together for a year and a half and I feel like thats long enough! But he refuses to make her upset! Which makes me upset, and he says i'm insensitive and don't care about his daughter! Another point I should make is I'm 21 and he's 33 and the ex is 26. She tell's him he's a pedafile for dating me....I think that makes him upset too.
LovieDove24 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I guess I watch to many movies where ex's get back together 21? I was going to guess 12 by this comment. In all seriousness, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to continue being in a relationship with someone who constantly lies to avoid unpleasantries. There is no way that she could keep him from seeing his child just because he started dating someone new. It sounds assanine. And even if she did try and use their child as leverage, her story would not hold up in court and she'd be FORCED to let him see his daughter. I believe his avoidance with telling the truth runs WAY deeper than what he's letting off.
nittanylion Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I think he is playing with your head. I dont think u should get involve in this relationship. He is using his daughter as an excuse in order to avoid telling you information about his ex.. I get the feeling he is a sneaky person. I think there is still some feeling between him and his ex, and he is not telling you the whole truth. This is no way to have a honest, and trustworthy relationship if he continues to hide information, and you constantly having doubt about him. I just think you can do better. You are still young, and you dont need any stress over this bs about his ex. situation. JMO!
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