Cherbear Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I recently started hanging out with this guy Bob in my class at grad school. He's really smart and he's been tutoring me for the past month. A week ago, he all of a sudden just turned cold. He's not getting on aim any more, no response to my text msg, etc. 2 days later, he asked to get together. After being asked why he did that, he finally told me that he was starting to really like me and since he's transferring next year nothing can ever happen anyway so he decided to keep his distance. Then i asked why he came around after 2 days and he said avoiding me didn't work well for him b/c he did like me a lot. He apologized for like a millions times for having disappeared on me like that. We talked and we decided to be really good friends b/c we do like each other a lot. Everything seems cool. Now he pulls the same trick on me again. I just don't understand. I thought we talked and problem solved. We are just gonna be good friends for another semester until he transfers. And he knows that i got really upset about him not talking to me. And last time he apologized a lot for doing that to me, like he really means it. I don't understand. What happened? What do u think happened?
GoneButNotForgotten Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 He is struggling with being friends. It is extremely hard to be friends with a girl that you are attracted to. Everytime he is with you he enjoys it but he wants more than that. It is his way of trying to protect both himself and you. Nothing is as simple as what we want.
Author Cherbear Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I mean, he knows that i got really upset when he does this. How could he not care about how i feel at all if he really likes me? And since he's leaving next year, shouldn't we cherish the rest of the time together even more? I don't wanna lose him. I want us to be in each other's life. Maybe not a relationship b/c both of us had long-distance relationships before and that didn't work out well. A friendship would be really nice though. We started out as friends after all. I want us back to be friends. I just don't know what I can do at this point to get that back since he's not responding at all. Should I stop contacting him? But then I'm really scared what if that's the end of our friendship if even I stop trying. Any thoughts?
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Sometimes, depending on how much you like a person, it is hard to even be friends. Take for example my boyfriend now - instead of telling me he likes me and being there for me, he acted cold and then he would act hot again. When I called him up on it (this was before we started dating), he said he liked me but needed time to think about everything. It is their way of dealing with the issues - trying to understand everything and just like us, some of them have the tendency to over-analyze. Don't be too worried about it. I know it hurts you because I've been there, but just give him some space and he'll be back to the same old. And it's not that he's not responding. I am 100% SURE he wants to respond. However, because he's trying to weigh his options (most probably), he is refusing to respond. I'm also sure he knows he's hurting you by this but he believes this is the only way to deal with the situation. You won't lose him as a friend. That one I know for sure, too. Just give him time and you'll see everything will work itself out. The more you push for contact, the more distant he'll get. Hope that helps you a bit! Hang in there.
Author Cherbear Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I guess I feel better now but this is still killing me. I mean, when we are together he's always been super nice to me. And now it's like he just dropped off of the face of the earth. It hurts so much especially that we made plans 3 days ago to do stuff together and he just blew me off like this. I mean, I'm thinking of him 24/7 and I wonder when he'll get in touch with me again, if ever.
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Listen to me cherbear!!! Don't dwell on it. Go out and do something. Get your friends together and go shopping or something. If you are thinking too much about it, it will drive you insane! He didn't blow you off. Think of it like this... let's put you in a hypothetical situation: Let's say you met this one guy and you were moving away but you really liked him. You knew that it was impossible for you two to work out. But you couldn't stop thinking about him and the more time you spent with him, the worse it got. You just felt like you wanted to be with them but you knew that right now, that is impossible! What would you do? Put yourself in his shoes. Really think about it. You KNOW you would do EXACTLY the same thing, because let's say you decided to text them and say something like "Listen, I can't be around you anymore. I don't like it but I just can't." That would hurt the other person, no? The other person would think "wtf..." and probably get angry. So I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you. He just needs time. He will get in touch with you again. It's ONLY BEEN 3 DAYS!!!!!! It's not like he didn't contact you for a MONTH! So relax. Jasmine tea helps!
Author Cherbear Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I texted him on new year's eve. I said" Happy new year, Bob. I wish you every success in everything you want to achieve in 2009." He texted back an hr later saying "Same to you, Cherbear. You really are a wonderful person and deserve all the best.." I don't understand. I feel like he's avoiding b/c he feels he can't give me the best? He's trying to protect me? Well, he's not. I am hurting right now. What do you think he meant by that?
OpenBook Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I think he has met someone else that he's currently pursuing. And he's trying to let you down easy. He's saying that there's nothing wrong with you whatsoever... he's just not interested. At least he is being nice about it. Don't text him back. Cut him off cold. You already have your answer. You must summon all your strength and resist the pull of this guy. He's bad news. Someone who blows hot & cold like that?... unh-unh. You don't need that kind of trouble in your life. Nobody does. Walk away from it, and save yourself a lot of heartache.
Author Cherbear Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 One is that Bob wants to keep his distance for whatever reason and nothing changed. I just have to respect his boundaries now. The other is that he knows that ignoring me makes me upset but he's thinking in a long term run. If he keeps his distance right now, when he transfers nobody would be too sad. Knowing nothing can happen cuts him deeply so he repeated what he did, not talking to me, that is. I need to go talk to him again about this, explaining that we should cherish the last semester together, make the best out of it rather than wasting the entire semester. So what should i do? To talk or not to talk? PS: making the best out of the remaining semester did come up in our conversation once, briefly. I actually recall his original words "hey, at least we still have a semester." But then.. Anyway, any opinion would be appreciated. Thank you!!
Author Cherbear Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 On one hand, this is totally messing with my head and I really want to talk to him and find out what is going on. on the other hand, I don't want to come off as the clingy type seeing that I initiated all the contact during the last week and he only replied my wish him happy new year text message. Plus, this ignoring thing is making me a little angry, no matter what his reasons might be.
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I recently started hanging out with this guy Bob in my class at grad school. He's really smart and he's been tutoring me for the past month. A week ago, he all of a sudden just turned cold. He's not getting on aim any more, no response to my text msg, etc. 2 days later, he asked to get together. After being asked why he did that, he finally told me that he was starting to really like me and since he's transferring next year nothing can ever happen anyway so he decided to keep his distance. Then i asked why he came around after 2 days and he said avoiding me didn't work well for him b/c he did like me a lot. He apologized for like a millions times for having disappeared on me like that. We talked and we decided to be really good friends b/c we do like each other a lot. Everything seems cool. Now he pulls the same trick on me again. I just don't understand. I thought we talked and problem solved. We are just gonna be good friends for another semester until he transfers. And he knows that i got really upset about him not talking to me. And last time he apologized a lot for doing that to me, like he really means it. I don't understand. What happened? What do u think happened? I think he's creating the distance he needs to sort himself out. Some guys prefer to be in committed relationships rather than the "good for now" type of connection, especially if they really like you. Since you cannot (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) be a part of his life, he has decided to fly solo - perhaps with the hopes of regrouping and finding someone who will? We guys will tell you what we want. Best of luck
BobSacamento Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 I think it's pretty stupid that he's avoiding you because he's into you. Who cares if he'll be gone in a year maybe things will change. He sounds stupid. Call him on it.
Author Cherbear Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 I think he's creating the distance he needs to sort himself out. I think you might be right. Some guys prefer to be in committed relationships rather than the "good for now" type of connection, especially if they really like you. Since you cannot (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) be a part of his life, he has decided to fly solo - perhaps with the hopes of regrouping and finding someone who will? We guys will tell you what we want. Will he come back though? Or should i make the 1st move? He's the kinda smart nerdy guy, shy in general. I don't know if it's possible for him to talk to me first.
Author Cherbear Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Have a bad feeling that he's not coming back. It's been 9 days since we talked except the one new year's text msg exchange. He has never been online during the past 9 days and it's as if he does not miss me at all. I think that's enough time for a guy to sort his head out, isn't it? I feel sometime I have the urge to go to his lab and demand him tell me why he all of a sudden gave me the silent treatment again, especially after he apologized a million times and promised not to. Would that be bad? I also bought him a present before X'mas as a thanks for tutoring me but never got a chance to give it to him. Should I even bother to give it to him? This is so hard.
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