wateraholic Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hi everyone! First of all, I’m new to the forum. I have been nosing around for the last few hours due to the fact that I broke up with my girlfriend today. I must admit I feel extremely guilty because of it and I’m trying to figure out if I did the right thing. That wasn’t my intent when we first started talking. We have been dating for thirteen months and living together for the last eight. I was never 100% attracted to her physically but she has always provided stimulating conversation. I kept an open mind in hopes that the physical aspect of our relationship would grow in time. Well, I wasn’t as lucky as I had hoped. In the last two months I have grown less and less attracted to her in fact. I decided it was time to pull the plug. I mustered up the courage to deliver the news to her thinking that honesty would be the way to go. I tried to be gentile about it but, there really isn’t a polite way to say it. I tried to be as respectful as possible. It really didn’t go very well. Every girl I have dated has always been on the physically fit to slender side. My girlfriend (ex, I guess you would say… just sounds weird) is a bit “thicker” than what I am accustomed to. I have done my best to look past it and see the inner beauty. I really do love her and it absolutely killed me to tell her this. To make a long boring story short, she is moving out while I am out of town because she can’t stand to be in our apartment where our life has been for the last eight months. The last thing she said to me is “you took my heart, Michael”. My god, that about killed me. Did I do the right thing? I thought it was best but now I feel sooo terrible. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
Padthai Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I think you are a dick. What the hell were you thinking starting something serious with a girl you weren't attracted to? What a stupid move. You did the right thing by dumping her because she shouldn't be with someone so shallow. You are the type of guy who makes girls hate their bodies.
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 wateraholic said: Hi everyone! First of all, I’m new to the forum. I have been nosing around for the last few hours due to the fact that I broke up with my girlfriend today. I must admit I feel extremely guilty because of it and I’m trying to figure out if I did the right thing. That wasn’t my intent when we first started talking. We have been dating for thirteen months and living together for the last eight. I was never 100% attracted to her physically but she has always provided stimulating conversation. I kept an open mind in hopes that the physical aspect of our relationship would grow in time. Well, I wasn’t as lucky as I had hoped. In the last two months I have grown less and less attracted to her in fact. I decided it was time to pull the plug. I mustered up the courage to deliver the news to her thinking that honesty would be the way to go. I tried to be gentile about it but, there really isn’t a polite way to say it. I tried to be as respectful as possible. It really didn’t go very well. Every girl I have dated has always been on the physically fit to slender side. My girlfriend (ex, I guess you would say… just sounds weird) is a bit “thicker” than what I am accustomed to. I have done my best to look past it and see the inner beauty. I really do love her and it absolutely killed me to tell her this. To make a long boring story short, she is moving out while I am out of town because she can’t stand to be in our apartment where our life has been for the last eight months. The last thing she said to me is “you took my heart, Michael”. My god, that about killed me. Did I do the right thing? I thought it was best but now I feel sooo terrible. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Yeah you did. You weren't attracted to her, so she has to go.
Tomcat33 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You are supposed to feel bad and uncomfortable and even guilty and you might even second guess your decision, it's all part of what it feels like when you are the one dumping another. BUT you did do the right thing. Which brings me to the wrong thing... why did you stay with her for so long if you knew right from the get-go you were simply not into her physically? I just don't get how people do that? It's either there or it's not. If it's not how do you fake it for a year?
amymarieca Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Yes, you definitely did the right thing. Although it was not right for you to stay with someone you were not attracted to, at least you got out sooner rather than later. This doesn't make you shallow or a bad person. Some men just aren't into thicker women. We all have our preferences. Everyone deserves someone they are attracted to on all levels.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Was it just her size that you weren't attracted too or other things?
Author wateraholic Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Well, I still feel really bad about it. There were other things that attracted me to her. It’s almost like I’m second guessing my decision. We have a lot in common but, I just wasn’t sure what the future would be like if I was having these feelings already. She is the type of person that will never talk to me again because of this. I really do love her, I just wish I could be attracted to her physically. In past relationships, it’s always been a mutual agreement to split up. This time it’s all on me and I’m kicking myself thinking I made the wrong choice. She’s very set in her ways and if I were to decide I made a mistake, there’s no going back. So I guess the damage is done, irreversible. Is it normal to second guess this sort of thing when you’re the one in control of the situation? Like I said, it’s my first time making the ultimate decision. It just feels like I'm on a rollercoaster.
Author wateraholic Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 EYECANDY000 said: Was it just her size that you weren't attracted too or other things? I'd say it was 97% her size.
Habibti Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 This is really sad, that being said..I was madly in love with someone I wasn't initially physically attracted too..but I became VERY attracted to him when I got to know him inside. I really did love him so the physical became part of it. Anyone who tells you it's fine needs to grow up. What if you married a gorgeous woman who was grotesquely disfigured in an accident? Stop loving her because she isn't as physically attractive? If you really loved her, this wouldn't of been an issue regardless of WHAT you're accustomed too. Personally, I think you never allowed yourself to fully love her and probably have some issues going on with that. Just knowing from personal experience that a persons physical appearance becomes more beautiful and WHAT you're attracted too when you love them, I just can't believe this is really the case. I feel badly for her, but more so badly for you. For some reason you're not allowing yourself to fully and trully love others and that's going to deprive you of a lot.
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Habibti said: This is really sad, that being said..I was madly in love with someone I wasn't initially physically attracted too..but I became VERY attracted to him when I got to know him inside. I really did love him so the physical became part of it. Anyone who tells you it's fine needs to grow up. What if you married a gorgeous woman who was grotesquely disfigured in an accident? Stop loving her because she isn't as physically attractive? If you really loved her, this wouldn't of been an issue regardless of WHAT you're accustomed too. Personally, I think you never allowed yourself to fully love her and probably have some issues going on with that. Just knowing from personal experience that a persons physical appearance becomes more beautiful and WHAT you're attracted too when you love them, I just can't believe this is really the case. I feel badly for her, but more so badly for you. For some reason you're not allowing yourself to fully and trully love others and that's going to deprive you of a lot. Are you fat on the inside?
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 wateraholic said: I'd say it was 97% her size. How tall is she and what pant size does she wear?
Tomcat33 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Oh c'mon some of you guys are being really unfair. He was never 100% in love with her because the physical was not there for him. If you marry someone that you were totally in love with and then they get disfigured you did experience that holistic love for them, in this case it never happened so there was no chance for it to grow into something deeper and stronger when the basic level of romantic love was not there. Chemistry is part of feeling romantic love you cannot deny that part. The chemistry was not strong enough. I think what you are feeling now the feeling of deep regret is totally natural you will definitely second guess yourself, that still doesn't mean that what you did was wrong. You should have done this a lot sooner a year is too long to lead someone on, surely it didn't take you an entire year to figure out her body turned you off? We always second guess ourselves when we leave someone we care about but know deep down don't love as we should. It would be a lot easier to cut it dry if you hated her, but even when there are extreme feelings of resentment there is still a lot of passion which makes it also hard to let go we have less regrets though. Give it time, it's done now, learn to listen to your innner voice in furture and do not lead someone on like this again.
zenith Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Tomcat33 said: listen to your innner voice unfortunately, that is not a smart choice for some people
Tomcat33 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 zenith said: unfortunately, that is not a smart choice for some people It is a smart choice provided you learn to differentiate between your mind talking and your inner voice. They are two different things. More often than not we listen to the mind not the inner voice, hence all the regret, and mistakes we make. His inner voice has been telling him this was not right for him, his mind was telling him don't walk away.
That Emotion Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Star Gazer said: How tall is she and what pant size does she wear? :laugh:ROFL:laugh: Listen, Michael, you took heart for 8 months plus however long it takes her to get over it. That is so much better than taking her heart for years and years. If you're not attracted to her, you're going to somehow at some point find a way to fill that void, because it is essential. Bottom line is you gave it a sincere effort. You both probably learned a lot from it and both of you will eventually move on and be over it. It's best to have stolen her heart for just a little while than to have stolen it forever. You wouldn't want to rob her of the opportunity to find someone that is passionately attracted to her. Same goes for you. You did the right thing
zenith Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Tomcat33 said: It is a smart choice provided you learn to differentiate between your mind talking and your inner voice. They are two different things. More often than not we listen to the mind not the inner voice, hence all the regret, and mistakes we make. His inner voice has been telling him this was not right for him, his mind was telling him don't walk away. wow, you are smart
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 That Emotion said: :laugh:ROFL:laugh: What's so funny? I think this is directly relevant to whether your statement is true: Quote You did the right thing While I'm all about allowing people their preferences, he's basically led this girl on, knowing all the while he wasn't attracted to her from the get-go. Which makes me wonder, what is "thick" to him? If she is objectively very large and is only attracted to thin and fit women, then I'd question why he was ever with her to begin with. On the other hand, if she is objectively still small, then perhaps he needs to reevaluate his expectations.
birdie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 It was exactly as tomcat said: lack of chemistry. Blame it on size (maybe she wasn't even that big) or anything else. Sometimes you enjoy someone's company but that vital piece is missing. You try to figure out what it is and then blame it on something obvious. We can't help whom we get attracted to and feel strong chemistry for.
That Emotion Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Star Gazer said: What's so funny? I think this is directly relevant to whether your statement is true: While I'm all about allowing people their preferences, he's basically led this girl on, knowing all the while he wasn't attracted to her from the get-go. Which makes me wonder, what is "thick" to him? If she is objectively very large and is only attracted to thin and fit women, then I'd question why he was ever with her to begin with. On the other hand, if she is objectively still small, then perhaps he needs to reevaluate his expectations. Hearing you explain it make a little more sense. At least I see better where you were coming from. The way you asked the question, it just tickled my funy bone. LOL. Sorry. I don't believe he has to reevaluate anything. You're attracted to what you are attracted to. He didn't have a mad passion for this woman but he was attracted to her on other levels and he liked her enough to try. It might have been a bit naive but I admire him for doing it anyway. I believe he was sincere. This is why I posted that he probably learned a lot. Meaning he learned that passion and sexual attraction for the other person is extreeeeemely important. People don't always understand that right off the bat.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I guess I'm just curious to know, why do people say looks aren't importnat when evidently they are. He said she provided him with very stimulating conversation. I'm not saying you have to downgrade , but there had to be something that attracted you to her in the beginning. Besides her looks is what you see first before anything when meeting someone.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 wateraholic said: Did I do the right thing? YES -- my story is very much like yours except that I didn't break up with her (not for lack of trying). I kept thinking that moving to the next stage in life would help attraction develop on my side, but it didn't. Had you stuck it out for the long haul, you would have probably found that the lack of the initial physical "spark" makes long-term intimacy very, very difficult.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Star Gazer said: If she is objectively very large and is only attracted to thin and fit women, then I'd question why he was ever with her to begin with. He said he liked talking to her, so I'm guess he only dated her for the company and the conversation. Michael, I think you made a right decision albeit it was very insensitive of you to date someone who you're not attracted to. But if you hadn't ended it now, you would have wasted both her time and yours. Next time, find someone you're both physically and emotionally attracted.
BlueHarvest Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You can really tell the people who have been in real relationships versus the PC relationship stereotype everyone thinks relationships should be, based on their responses in this thread. Zenith and padthai...I'm looking at you.
Author wateraholic Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well, I thank you all for your replies, ridicule and advice. I was trying to not be shallow. I think all the ones that asked why I even bothered with someone that didn’t meet my physical attraction standards are overlooking that fact. I thought that if I loved so many other things about her, in time, I could over look the attraction part. That makes me insensitive? Well then I guess I’m the biggest a**hole on the planet. I gave it a try, it failed. I knew there was a risk but, what if I past up an opportunity of the greatest relationship of my life that wasn’t based on superficial things like looks. I had to give it a try.
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