Called a BREAK in my LDR. What the hell was I thinkin?!!!!!!!

[Mrs_AJ]

Hiya,

 

I reall need some advise here, I can;t make sense of myself!

 

I called a break in my LDR. Was it fair of me to do that?

 

I've known my sweetheart for 3 months now. We met online, he called me and chatted and hit it off instantly. Since then we have kept in touch and have managed to work out how to communicate best. Personality wise, I didn't think a guy like this existed. Looks wise, he wasn't my typical type. But I found him to be handsome since I knew him before I saw him. I was happy. We're meeting for the first time in April09 during our holiday.

 

I'm in the UK and he is in the Carribean/USA, depending on whether he is studying or visiting family. I'm 24 and he's 26 yrs old. We're both at medical school but I will start work 2 years before him. Although one of us could transfer for work, it is not easy. There are alot of hurdles. Not only sitting exams to have an accepted medical licence, finding work and the rest of it but also I don't want to leave my family to go away so far when I know they still need me.

 

We have discussed marriage in the future. Now now, I don;t wear rose tinted glasses, my are plain boring . But since we're both from conservative backgrounds marriage is always on the cards. My mom already knows about him. But we may have to be apart for the first few years of our marriage. That is not something I think I can cope with, although he says that we would meet as often as possible, at least 4-5 times a year. I don't know. I can't imagine having to be away from him in the first few years of our marriage, having a tough job, coming home to an empty flat knowing he is so far away.

 

So the other day we were just chatting happily. I called him several times the next day and could not get hold of him the whole day. The next day I found him online. He had travelled and his handset had messed up. I just felt sad. I thought, "If I was married to him, what if I really needed to get hold of him desperately and I couldn't?" He just felt so far away all of a sudden. I called for a BREAK. Now what was I thinking?

 

It throw him off completely. He didn't understand why I needed "time" away from him. WHAT??? I am already away from him!! I think I just screwed up. Prior to this, emotionally I have been missing him so much and been sad that I almost just wanted to call it quits a couple of times. But he seems to understand me weirdly enough nd just calms me down. I feel like I'm not giving this relationship the chance it deserves due to my concerns about the future. I'm scared that I'll fall so in-love with him to then have to seperate from him because we can't work the rest of it out.

 

Puh...2 days after calling for a BREAK and after teary nights, I emailed him and told him why he meant so much and why I'm being like this. I'm not being fair. Someone please tell me off!!

 

What should I do?

 

Mrs_AJ....

 

p.s. No no, Mrs...it should be miss. I'm not married, not yet anyway.

[Island Girl]

Puh...2 days after calling for a BREAK and after teary nights, I emailed him and told him why he meant so much and why I'm being like this. I'm not being fair. Someone please tell me off!!

 

What should I do?

 

There is something else going on. I don't know what it is but it may be that you are a bit insecure about the relationship - ? And have you learned to be alone and be okay with it?

 

I married my LDR 2 1/2 years ago. That was the last time I saw him. Because of the economy I haven't been able to afford to go visit. And we have been dealing with Immigration since May of 07. We are still absolutely as committed as always.

 

Because of the bigger picture. We know how long we searched for eachother and these few years are a blink of an eye compared to that and how long we will have together.

 

Perhaps you need to just take things step by step instead of jumping ahead and thinking about marriage. Just enjoy getting to know eachother better and see where the road takes you. See eachother as often as you can and let your relationship develope.

 

Oh. And I would talk to him about how your feeling before you make decisions like you did with the break. It's a sure way to damage the trust and faith on his side if you leave him at the drop of a hat.

[Mrs_AJ]

Hiya Island Girl,

 

I'm so glad you responded. I have read many of your posts and am always amazed by your strength. I hope you re-unite with your hubby soon. I'm not sure how to ask you, but how do you do it? How do you stay so committed with all the difficulties?

 

You said: "There is something else going on. I don't know what it is but it may be that you are a bit insecure about the relationship - ? And have you learned to be alone and be okay with it?"

 

You hit the nail on the head. I am feeling totally crazily insecure. Like when he first said that he loved me I was totally freaked out by it. I wanted to run away! Now, I need to hear him say it before he hangs up.

 

And no, since getting to know him, I haven't learnt how to not have any contact with him if that's what you mean by being alone. In terms of previous relationships, no I have never really had a long-term relationship or a serious relationship. So yeah, I have been alone for the greater part of my time and feel totally ok with that. I don't really date, for various reasons, and I've been ok and happy with that.

 

You are so right. I do need to slow things down. I couldn't take it anymore and decided to call him. He picked up and said "Oh, is this the girl that seems to hate me?" I was like..."No, no this is the one that loves you!!" Multiple personalities, I think so!

 

It felt so good hearing his voice. I could tell I'd hurt him. He sounded different. I think what you said about talking to him first about how I feel is wise. I think he was upset about me calling for a break, but maybe more because I seem to drop things on him all suddenly. But when I talked to him I just wanted to take it all back. I was really unfair to him.

 

What I am discovering is that I may just have lots to learn, about myself more than him actually.

 

How do I learn to have him in my life but still get on with things and be on my own without him. Because esentially you don't see them for long period of times.

 

Thanks you so much Islandgirl!!

[Island Girl]

Hiya Island Girl,

 

I'm so glad you responded. I have read many of your posts and am always amazed by your strength. I hope you re-unite with your hubby soon. I'm not sure how to ask you, but how do you do it? How do you stay so committed with all the difficulties?

 

Thank you so much for the compliments. I am glad to help when I can.

 

I just submitted the last thing to Immigration that they were requesting. Of course what they request keeps changing - hence how long this all has dragged out.

 

How do I do it. That is a tough question. Some days are very hard emotionally. Keeping busy helps. But as far as staying in it or not goes - if that is what you are asking - that is no longer a question. It was in the beginning. Even when he was here and we lived together that was a question. We'd get in a fight and I'd be thinking in the back of my head if I should just dump him or not. The secret is him really. He just reacts differently than any other man I have ever known. When I am frustrated or hurting it often comes out in anger. He is the only person I have ever known who thinks what is behind the anger and the words.

 

I am just high maintainence. Not monetarily but in other ways. And he knows that -- knows me intimately. There is no way I could ever find another so dedicated to loving me. So I dedicate all of my love back and it is the same for him I suppose.

 

I try to remember how lucky I am and in so many ways. To have found each other, to not live in a time where there were only hand written letters being sent off into the wild blue yonder (like in WWII when wives didn't know if their husbands were alive or dead and would just write letters and go on everyday with nothing but hope), or even worse to be stuck every day in a relationship that has no intense emotional connection like some of my friends.

 

And so we wait.

 

You said: "There is something else going on. I don't know what it is but it may be that you are a bit insecure about the relationship - ? And have you learned to be alone and be okay with it?"

 

You hit the nail on the head. I am feeling totally crazily insecure. Like when he first said that he loved me I was totally freaked out by it. I wanted to run away! Now, I need to hear him say it before he hangs up.

 

You are investing your heart. It makes you feel extremely vulnerable. I completely understand that. But it would be different if he were here and you were handling it like you have been. Trust me I went through a lot of these same feeling when my husband and I were first together and then again even more intensely when he first left and we were suddenly 5600 miles away.

 

The one thing I never did was just up and break it off. Nor did he. You have to preserve the trust on both sides. So when you feel like that go write a long letter about it and then go to bed. Or do anything at all until you can sleep on it.

 

He really cares about you or it really would have been over when you did break it off for no reason and no warning. But he was willing to stay in the relationship and work to move past it. He did more than his part by doing so - now you have to do your part and keep yourself from ever doing that again. Do whatever you have to - go on a run, call a friend, rent a tearjerker chick flick, or whatever - just do not do it. Just slow down take a deep breath and ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?"

 

Try to get to the truth. For me, I have abandonment issues because of the lack of relationship with my father and severe trust issues because of family history. They are my issues and I have finally - FINALLY - worked through them.

 

I have to say my husband helped a lot with all of that. Because of the open book policy in our relationship I could ask any question about any subject and get a complete upfront answer with no objection.

 

You should talk to your man about your fears and set up those kinds of "rules" just so you can get your own reassurances about the relationship if you need to. Distance is just really hard.

 

My husband used to say he knew what I had been watching on TV because sometimes movies or programs would be triggers if I let them be. Watching Cheaters for instance became an absolute no-no. It would just cause me to doubt him and his words.

 

And no, since getting to know him, I haven't learnt how to not have any contact with him if that's what you mean by being alone. In terms of previous relationships, no I have never really had a long-term relationship or a serious relationship. So yeah, I have been alone for the greater part of my time and feel totally ok with that. I don't really date, for various reasons, and I've been ok and happy with that.

 

I was the opposite of you. I always had boyfriends and applications in for the position if there was a sudden opening. I was the dumper and just replaced the guy.

 

But it may be the same issue. Once a guy got close to me or fell for me I'd replace him. I just didn't allow myself to get close. You didn't get into relationships but do you know why? Are you afraid of investiong yourself and your heart and getting hurt?

 

You are so right. I do need to slow things down. I couldn't take it anymore and decided to call him. He picked up and said "Oh, is this the girl that seems to hate me?" I was like..."No, no this is the one that loves you!!" Multiple personalities, I think so!

 

It felt so good hearing his voice. I could tell I'd hurt him. He sounded different. I think what you said about talking to him first about how I feel is wise. I think he was upset about me calling for a break, but maybe more because I seem to drop things on him all suddenly. But when I talked to him I just wanted to take it all back. I was really unfair to him.

 

I agree he felt upset because you dropped him like that. Just imagine if he did the same thing to you. I think you'd be devasted. And rightfully so. Your going to have to get really really real with your feelings. No beating around the bush - no hiding things because you are afraid of the reaction you'll get.

 

That is one thing my husband and I are VERY good at now. We say exactly how we are feeling or what we are thinking. Short and sweet I guess you'd say. But the honesty is fantastic. I know he knows the very real me. I know he accepts and loves the real me. There is tremendous security in that. Because of it I feel more secure about him and with him than I do with anyone else on the planet including my own "blood" family.

 

What I am discovering is that I may just have lots to learn, about myself more than him actually.

 

How do I learn to have him in my life but still get on with things and be on my own without him. Because esentially you don't see them for long period of times.

 

Thanks you so much Islandgirl!!

 

What you do is you have your own life - you do your own thing and make your own plans and LIVE - but you open up that life and make room for him. Make room for thoughts and love for him to just be there. Relish the conversations and the time you have to get to know each other. And use this time to really get to know each other.

 

When I flew to my husband's country and married him we hadn't seen each other in 3 years almost to the day. Not even pictures.

I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him because of his mind and his heart.

 

Then when we were together and I got to have all of the physical things too - his expressions and how he always looks so intense when he is thinking for instance - well, all of those things just were the extra.

 

I hope that makes sense.

 

I am wishing you the best. I will assist if I can any time.

 

IG