starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 So I made this a new thread because this is more general, though completely pertaining to my situation, there is no need for back story on this. When someone breaks up with you, do you deserve a reason why? And does everyone get one/demand one? When you have broken up with someone, have you always told them why? or have you ever never really told them? I haven't gotten a reason why yet, and I feel like I'm kinda stuck until I do. The reason why someone leaves you can completely alter your perception of them. I want to know if I should be feeling "hey this happens, can't help it" or "hey buddy screw you i hope you die in a fire"...is this reasonable thinking?
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Answers - Question 1 - Yes - Question 2 - No Why do we want reasons? Well, primarily, I guess, so you can either 1) salvage the situation by changing the circumstances or 2) make sure you don't make it happen again. We are all rational beings, and a breakup is a massive shift in our lives, so naturally we yurn for some sort of logic or reasoning to help us cope. What were the first words you uttered when you were broken-up with? I would put $10 on at least 80% of people hear saying "Why, why WHY?!" over and over. I did. We need structure, our psyche craves it. Golfers out there, when you slice that third drive in a row, what goes through your mind? "WHY AM I SLICING IT?!" Does everyone ask for a reason? Jeez, if you can find me a person who didn't at least WANT a reason, whether they asked for it or not, I'll give you a shiny nickel. In my mind, the reasons are a short-term release from the stress of chaos, but ultimately, they can just lead to more questions. I know my ex ended it because she had feelings for another guy that made our relationship not 'feel right'. That's nothing I can do anything about, but instantly I asked 'what does this guy have I don't?' Questions feeding questions, when all you want is answers... As the Buddah said sometime a long time ago probably, "If a problem has a solution, why worry? If a problem has no solution, what's the use of worrying?" Not sure if I answered the question there, but hey, I had fun composing it!
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 lol no you answered it. i'm just stuck at the moment. he didn't give me a reason, and i didn't reaaaaally press for one. there is a single reason that he could give me that would make me completely alter the way i think of him (i gained a significant amount of weight due to medications...gah i can't even keep track of all of them anymore....and i absolutely hate it, and am trying to rectify the situation....anywho) But if that was his reason, I will not be able to think of him the same, even as maybe just a friend in a while. He knows I have medical problems and said he was fine with it. I'm trying to decide if a. i deserve a reason, and b. if i want to press for it and chance that that is the reason and have to see him in a whole different light.... ok...im going to stare at this page for a while now hitting refresh hoping more ppl answer it, i see you all reading it ...because im obssessing and really want to take care of this crap today and not have to stretch it out, blah stupid breakups.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You will rarely get the full scoop on the reason for the break up. Anyone I have broken up with I have just let down easy, unless they were a total jerk- in which case I would cite that. You have to get past "needing" to have a reason in order to move on. You will rarely get the truth. Sometimes, knowing the truth may be more harmful than helpful! You learn as you date that making your own closure is often helpful. Create your own closure. You cannot demand answers from another person regardless of whether or not you deserve answers. It doesn't work that way. I know it drives people crazy when they don't have answers to important questions. When it comes to relationships with others, we cannot force someone to be truthful with us. Half of the time, those people don't even understand their own feelings, let alone articulate them.
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Of course you deserve a reason, he broke up with you, and yes you should press for one if you want one. Trouble is, if it's something personal, it can be hard to take since we're already at a fragile state with our self-images. Agh, again, I'm making more questions than I'm answering. If it did put him in a lesser light, would that not make it easier to move on, make it feel you haven't lost as much as you thought? DAMN QUESTION MARKS!!! STOP IT! *rips question mark key from keyboard*
EmperorR Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I don't know if you deserve a reason, but after 3 years you deserve to be told you were cheated on and then dumped at least face to face, instead of over yahoo IM. But yes I would like a reason why I was cheated on.
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 its ok riff, its in the nature of a psychologist and or current psych major :::looks at keyboard and reaslizes the ? on the key is mostly rubbed off:::: thing is, the online community we're in, we "see" each other everyday (i've taken a break for the past week). and i don't know if it will rip me up more not knowing and making up my own ideal answer (the best answer he could give me is the age difference, can't do nuffin about that, kinda like trying to argue with a guy thats dumping you cause he wants to make out with guys...you're not gonna change that). but at the same time if i don't know will i let myself think there is hope? or that one day he'll be all "i was an idiot, im going to grovel for a week, and buy you flowers so you take me back"...i wish my brain would shut off....anywho im sooo going off the topic, MORE PPL reasons good or bad? reasons help or hurt? GO!
not_a_happy_camper Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 what does everyone think of that for a reason? no elaboration, i was given those words exactly. along with "long distance relationships never work" and "i'm doing this now to stop it happening six months down the road" A**hole
Hersheys Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You will rarely get the full scoop on the reason for the break up. Anyone I have broken up with I have just let down easy, unless they were a total jerk- in which case I would cite that. You have to get past "needing" to have a reason in order to move on. You will rarely get the truth. Sometimes, knowing the truth may be more harmful than helpful! You learn as you date that making your own closure is often helpful. Create your own closure. You cannot demand answers from another person regardless of whether or not you deserve answers. It doesn't work that way. I know it drives people crazy when they don't have answers to important questions. When it comes to relationships with others, we cannot force someone to be truthful with us. Half of the time, those people don't even understand their own feelings, let alone articulate them. I agree. I have learned that an ex will never give the true reason why they have to end the relationship and it's true that sometimes they too don't know what made them leave. I take it as them falling out of love and not knowing it. It hurts that when an ex has fallen in love with another, reasons and closure are not as important to them as it is to us.
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 It hurts that when an ex has fallen in love with another, reasons and closure are not as important to them as it is to us. True story *wild applause*
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 well i have come to my own conclusion, and i will not push for a reason i don't need it. for more amusing things, see my other thread.
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