jason83 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I'll try to keep this short. I tried a different tactic that some would disagree with. Basically, instead of going nc, I confronted my mistakes of the past with my ex after a week, explained I known that it hurt her as well as us, causing her pain. I apologized for everything and asked her to accept. She did right away. Then I asked her if she would consider giving us another chance....she said she needed time. I contacted her the next day asking about changes I want to make, listing three....to stop over-analyzing, to exercise more, and to stop asking so many questions when something is wrong. She agreed with all but exercising, saying she didn't think I needed more of that. I figure if I can pinpoint what caused her to lose interest, maybe I can fix it if I want to. Well, she's been contacting me, calling me 3-4 times a day. She even said today that "I still love you" as well as making comments about how she has seen such positive changes in me already and it makes her miss me even more. She asked me two nights ago if we could spend New Years Eve together. She is coming over to my place and we're going to have a quiet evening with the two of us. I'm trying to protect myself but hope that things will go well. What are your thoughts on this? I know many say to be careful of the friend zone but with her actions, etc. I don't think I will end up there....and surely I would break it off if I saw that was a possibility. Anyway...wish me luck!
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Well, I'd have to agree that the signs are good and it doesn't look like you're headed for friendship. You've got to ask yourself tho, if it isn't what you think, how are you going to handle it, and can you cope? I'm sure a lot of people would say this is dangerous territory, but at least you know where you need to make the changes. Perhaps you've just revolutionised the break-up process?! Let us know how it goes.
not_a_happy_camper Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 who did the breaking up first time round, you or her?
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I hope it works for you. I sincerely do. Here are the facts (from all the research I did anyway). 1. "I still need time". If she really wanted to salvage the relationship she wouldn't need time. You admitted your faults and if she TRULY wanted the relationship that would be enough. There are more reservations. 2. Of course she's gonna spend NYE with you. She still craves that togetherness. Good news is she can now get it without the relationship. 3. Once she disconnected from the relationship (which happens over time) she slowly moved back to HER normalcy. You being readily available and an easy catch isn't gonna make her want you more but less actually. She's single again on every level. The "want what she can't have rule" would work better. You are running head first in to the friend zone. I suggest A. be ok with that or B. try not to be so available. Make her chase you. She will. She still craves the togetherness like I said before. Keep improving yourself so she sees it. Be the best person you can be. I hope it works for you so you can tell me how to do it successfully but I honestly don't. I see you in the makings of a great friend to her.
Author jason83 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Well, to be perfectly honest it's nothing more than psychological thinking If at any point someone in any relationship feels like trust has been broken, that will make them feel separated. Fortunately it can be rebuilt. Especially when you follow a simple process.... 1) Own up to what you did...you did make the mistake(s) 2) Acknowledge that you caused pain to the other person 3) Explain that this is the pain you can see that was caused...and ask if there is any other pain that you caused 4) Apologize deeply and sincerely for the pain 5) Ask "Would you at least consider accepting my apology?" 6) Ask if there is anything you can do to help repair the damage you have caused...if not, "Will you let me know if you think of something?" 7) Depending step 6, ask if they "Would at least consider" giving the relationship anotherh chance, explaining that you have learned from your mistakes As far as the rest, a self-reflection of one's self can be brought up in a similar way that I did....if you can get your ex to open up and be honest and then pinpoint what made them lose interest or get fed up with things, you can then make the decision as to whether or not you want to change or work on those things After that I took her to a movie, never mentioning "US" or a relationship....just having fun with her to remind her of our good times and letting her see the "new" me. I never said "I'll call you later" or anything. Just said "Thanks, that was fun. It was nice seeing you!" This leaves her wondering. Obviously a very different tactic....but I truly feel like this is a revelation instead of going with the silent treatment and no contact....not that that isn't what needs to happen at times. Ever situation is different....but for me, this is working so far.
Author jason83 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I see what you're saying and I am trying to be careful of that. We've known one another for 3 years and dated seriously for the last 8 months. She broke up with me 2 months ago for a similar reason. I broke up with her this last time hoping it would push her to realize she was making a mistake....or else I was just making the inevitable happen faster.
GoneButNotForgotten Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Also for the changes that you need to make. You really need to take a look at yourself. Can you make those changes for you? Making them for someone else just makes it easier to give up and fail on them later. Otherwise it is just going to start the whole cycle again and nothing will get done.
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I am not knocking anything you are doing. Im still talking to my ex. Other than the fact we dont close the conversation with I love you it seems and feels the same. We even are discussing children and admit to still wanting to sleep together and plan to after her monthly visitor leaves. I was in a similar situation like you. I lost my $80,000 a year job, my Benz got repo'ed I been unable to find anything comparable work wise because I have no education outside my field and it has been hit hard by the economy. A lot of people are in my boat right now. I had a major depression, shut her out, and become a very unattractive non alpha male type like she is used to seeing. I got an oppurtunity coming up in March so my swagger is coming back. She sees it I am sure. Things are really like they used to be on the phone at least. We'll see. I hope we are both right about changing our behaviors meaning we will get the ones we loved back but I am trying to prepare for the worst as well.
Author jason83 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I hear ya, Brother. I usually prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It's hard to do when your heart and emotions are involved, as we all know. My situation does sound very similar, especially with talking on the phone. The "Sweetie" and "Honey" pet names are already thrown out by her. It's nice but I don't ever respond back to them, knowing it's not in my best interest. I'm just really nervous about tomorrow. I want things to work out but don't know how odd it's going to be. Do I kiss her at midnight? Do I not? Guess we'll see how things progress The changes are for me. Maybe I started thinking about them more because of her but I drive myself insane when I over-analyze everything. I'm a people pleaser and like to fix problems....I just have to learn that things will fall into place and I just need to take care of myself
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 The "Sweetie" and "Honey" pet names are already thrown out by her. It's nice but I don't ever respond back to them, knowing it's not in my best interest. lol. Same here.
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Just a thought. Remember how when your ex first met you. She thought you were the greatest guy ever born. You were her dream come true. At least thats my experience. Anyway. Assuming they stay their course and dont do what we want. How are we gonna feel when they tell us how they are head over heels about this new guy. Google anything about "girlfriend broke up with me but stayed friends" or search hard on these forums. Thought of that scares the **** out of me. I might get another f*ck in and save myself the grief.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Lol jason you are so pretentious it's unbelievable. You have no idea you are either. Psychological thinking you say? Do you even know what that constitutes? I am willing to bet money you have no idea about psychology. Or even what the DSM is. You are basically admitting to using "psychology" to manipulate someone. I can't even take this dude.
Joker77 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Jason, Be very careful bro. I did this with an ex once. I dumped an awesome girl because of it and probably lost the best girl I've ever dated because of my stupid ex's jealousy. She told me she had changed and I went back like a fool. Everything was great for a few months, then it went back to same old crap. She eventually dumped me after she knew I couldn't get the other girl back. Just be very careful and don't jump in head first.
Joker77 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I hear ya, Brother. I usually prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It's hard to do when your heart and emotions are involved, as we all know. My situation does sound very similar, especially with talking on the phone. The "Sweetie" and "Honey" pet names are already thrown out by her. It's nice but I don't ever respond back to them, knowing it's not in my best interest. I'm just really nervous about tomorrow. I want things to work out but don't know how odd it's going to be. Do I kiss her at midnight? Do I not? Guess we'll see how things progress The changes are for me. Maybe I started thinking about them more because of her but I drive myself insane when I over-analyze everything. I'm a people pleaser and like to fix problems....I just have to learn that things will fall into place and I just need to take care of myself Dude, You said are going to stop overanalyzing and you've already done it. Trust me, the pet names mean nothing. My recent ex was calling me babe the day before we broke up. I take trust in nothing. You need to worry about yourself. I'm not a believer that a broken relationship can be healed in a short period of time without some type of growing on both sides. I'm not trying to be a downer on your parade, but you need to really think this one through.
DSM-IV Tom Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Joker I've monitored Jason. He isn't interested in your advice. I'm not quite sure why he posts what he does. He will disregard everything he reads; it's most likely so he can deny many people in his eyes, and thus, be validated. A form of power. Remember, it's all simple psychology. He knows what he's doing by using her like a tool. He can even change any flaw of his if he 'wants'. Don't waste your time.
Joker77 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Joker I've monitored Jason. He isn't interested in your advice. I'm not quite sure why he posts what he does. He will disregard everything he reads; it's most likely so he can deny many people in his eyes, and thus, be validated. A form of power. Remember, it's all simple psychology. He knows what he's doing by using her like a tool. He can even change any flaw of his if he 'wants'. Don't waste your time. The sad thing is Tom I was him about 5 years ago. Thank God I'm not anymore. I won't change who I am for anyone. If they don't like it, they can go find someone else who will treat them like human garbage. That's not me.
Dmoney28 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 i can see OP's point of view. I to am in LC with my ex, even meet for cofee every so often. Unfortuanatly due to MY selfish actions, i broke her heart. She said she would have never left me otherwise. She was ripped out of the middle of love. This women would have done anything for me. So i took steps to "fix" NEGATIVE personality flaws, for me. If i didnt they would have followed me into my next relationship. So far they have stuck...i even amaze myself looking back over the last 4.5 months. The road of Contact or Light contact with an ex is a painful and uncertain path. There has to be some kind love from both sides in order for any type of reconciliation to occur. There has to be more than the "how are you" txt hear in there. Conversations and dialogue and eventual meetings have to take place. Women by nature are very indescive. They may be "gun shy", about getting involved in the same situation that might lead to hurt. If she did'nt care about him or love him, most likely she would be like every other ex reported in these post; she would not want any contact. Even though some people hate friendship's with ex's....sometimes depending on the situation, people need to reconnect as friends. Friendship is the strongest foundation of any relationship. If she wants to be friends forever...then take the steps to explain how it wouldnt work out. So my best regards to your choice. I to walk your path.
BikerBeagle Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Jason, you need to look up the definitions of DENIAL and BARGAINING in the grief process. You are fully entrenched in both of these.
kizik Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 He's just trying to hang onto what was lost. I can't blame him for that. The problem is that he thinks he can "change" over the course of a week, and this selfish little girl is teasing him with her affections, when she has obviously no desire to be with him. Time to get your head on straight, Jason, and realize that you're fooling yourself. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. If she did, she wouldn't be playing with you.
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 At least my ex still strokes my ego. Wants me to get her pregnant, wants me to have sex with her, wants to buy me stuff. I can't figure it out but I went from hurting to actually liking the fact I get all the benefits without the commitment. I'm ready to play the field some. Don't know if I should tell her or not. This went from the most hurtful break up to the easiest quickly by not doing NC.
kizik Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 At least my ex still strokes my ego. Wants me to get her pregnant, wants me to have sex with her, wants to buy me stuff. I can't figure it out but I went from hurting to actually liking the fact I get all the benefits without the commitment. I'm ready to play the field some. Don't know if I should tell her or not. This went from the most hurtful break up to the easiest quickly by not doing NC. Way to spin this thread in your direction...
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