lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I'll try to make this a very short story. I was dating this one guy for a bit longer than a month. Before we decided to date, we were friends for about 3 months and we had spent a lot of time together. Obviously, we were attracted to each other and decided to pursue it further. However, I came out of almost 4 year relationship at the end of May and he had a string of very bad relationships. Obviously, none of us knew about this when we started dating. So, the first two weeks everything was perfect. We saw each other, hung out, it was like an extension of our friendship only a bit more than that which is exactly the way we were hoping to make it. However, then drama started and one thing I don't like is drama (my previous relationship was emotionally draining and I just wanted a clear, very solid relationship). He started to avoid me for some reason and I knew something was wrong but I couldn't really figure out what. He would still call every single day but he would just make himself busy (playing hot and cold). So in the end, I really wanted to know what was bugging him, so I confronted him about it after a week. He said that he believes that I lied to him (it was about getting into a really good medical school but he didn't know the whole story of why I rejected the offer and a week before I mentioned about looking into US med schools so he asked me why would I be looking at the US med schools when I got into one of the best ones). So I told him the whole story behind it and that finally made sense to him. But what I didn't quite get was that he didn't ask me about it in the first place! It really hurt me because no matter how bad the situation is, I would want him to be open and tell me these things = the key to a normal relationship! He said that he didn't want to bring it up because if it turned out that I lied about it, it would destroy my dignity and that it was better if I thought he was an ******* and I broke up with him. I thought that was rather odd. How is that better? Anyway, we solved that issue. Then another issue popped up and I have a tendency to be sarcastic - nothing he didn't know about. I used to be sarcastic when we were friends as well, so sometimes, to make him laugh, I would use it (obviously I wouldn't mean what I said). So he was feeling a bit down, so I used my sarcasm but it came out as though I was mocking him. He got angry and said he didn't want to talk with me anymore tonight and that he would call me the next day. I was like "Okay..." The next day, my friends decided to pack me and take me skiing. I knew that this guy and I sort of had plans (they were up in the air) and it was my birthday 2 days before so I decided to go skiing. Except I forgot my phone at home. I called a couple of times to check whether he called, and my family told me that he didn't. I got home at around 2:15am and checked my phone. He called at 8:30pm, then at 11pm, and then at 1:30am (left me a weird message saying how he thinks I'm mad at him and how he was hurt the other night) and then I get a text message at 2:25am and he's saying something along the lines that I probably want to break up with him and he doesn't want to play these kinds of games and that he was hurt the day before. So I call him and I tell him that I forgot my phone, but what really annoyed me is the fact that he thought I wanted to break up with him (he jumped to the conclusion without talking with me or knowing all of the facts). So we talked over the phone and I confronted him about it, asking him why doesn't he just trust me?! Anyway, I felt like he was treating me like one of his exes and he admitted that he was being an ******* and that he is going to try to work on those things. So, I said that's okay. I need to work on things as well. We both do. The thing that bugged me the most is that I thought our relationship would build on our friendship and that wasn't happening because I was seeing all of these other things that I didn't see as his friend. And it bugged me. It really hurt me. Anyway, the next day another issue came up and instead of sitting down and trying to find a way to work it out, we both agreed that we don't know each other well enough and that we should break up now and get to know each other better. Because our friendship was so strong before the relationship, nothing can break it - not even this split. So we still hang in the same circles of friends and see each other. And it's not hard for us at all. However, I have a feeling we rushed the break up, just like we rushed getting into a relationship. He makes me feel better about myself and he really pushes me to do things that I wouldn't do and he even told me that I make him feel totally different than any other girlfriends he has had. So I don't know whether we have made the right decision. I understand that our relationship was full of things we both didn't want (I don't know if it's because maybe we're emotionally immature or something else) but there were also things that made us both happy. I don't know whether it is worth going back and trying to work it out by setting boundaries and really talking about what we want or whether we should just give it time and see where it goes. I'm really tempted at texting him to talk about this but I wanted your opinion. (Like I said, we're on good terms). Thank you.
Doofus Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Having emotional baggage from previous relationships is extremely difficult and generally makes the next one more difficult. It is often hard to know where the baggage begins and personality differences start. That being said there is nothing which screams GET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. It kind of depends how you each feel about the other because both of you will likely have to work very hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes. If you both want it then it is also important that neither person lets the other get away with simply using the baggage as a crutch. Talk about as much as you need to - talk about it honestly and in as forthright a manner as possible. The thing is, being in a relationship makes one far more vulnerable than in a friendship and it shows. You will likely argue, fight, but if you are open to figuring out each others idiosyncracies - than it may work for you. Conversely you can walk away too...
Author lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks for that Doofus. I do feel like I have gotten over my ex and I never even talk about him anymore. However, when it comes to the guy I'm talking about, even though he hasn't been in a relationship for 2 years, I have a feeling like he's still hurting from his past relationships. But I see where you're going and you're right. It's either we talk and talk and talk for hours and just empty everything out and be honest, or it won't work. I see where you're coming from.
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