D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I posted before about my intense relationship with a guy I had incredible chemistry and intimacy with. We were only together a couple months, but I was pretty into him. He is in Canada on a temporary visa... and will likely be returning home in 9 months. As it stands now, he will be leaving soon to travel more about the country. I noticed close to the end that he was distancing himself. We went through some confusion about where we stood... But ultimately he admitted that he couldn't be involved with me despite how he felt, because it doesn't make sense to get too close to someone when you know you will be leaving. I understood that. It hurts a lot, because we were so cool together. I decided that I was going to leave x-mas behind and go to Florida over x-mas. When I left, we had an understanding that we were breaking up. He wanted to remain friends, and after thinking about it for a bit- I told him I couldn't be his friend because it was a little too upsetting. While I was away, he continued to text me and text me and text me... Just little things. Nothing romantic- but he sent cute little things/sayings that used to crack us up. Lots of inside jokes that he and I shared. Closer to the end of my trip- I let him know again that I couldn't be his "texting buddy"... that it was upsetting to me to go from romantic intensity to "buddies". I'd already told him this- but I thought maybe I needed to reiterate the point so it might get through to him. He was upset by that, and I accept that he must be feeling a little bit of loss... But that loss isn't to the same degree as I am feeling it. It's painful to want to be with someone and be reminded of it by continued contact. Last night, he actually sent me a message on the dating site we met. He also viewed my profile. The message was just another inside joke. I don't know how to deal with this. I've been doing no contact for about 4 days now. I haven't responded to him since I laid it on the line (again) that I couldn't be his buddy and I needed no contact. Am I not firm enough? Am I being a jerk for not remaining friendly? EVERY text, mail or 3am phone call he makes to me (he did it on x-mas but I didn't answer)... messes with my head. Keep in mind- he was firm about not allowing himself to get involved with me. I didn't fight it- but went along with it graciously, only asking that no contact was what I needed to heal. It seems as if he is minimizing my need to heal. He knows how I feel about him, I mean- I was open about being hurt. I don't understand why, as TBF and CaliGuy have called it, people do the mind-frack routine. How many times and how many ways do I have to tell this guy to leave me alone and let me heal?
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You don't tell him in any more ways. If you cave, and return contact to "lay it on the line, just one more time" then all you're teaching him is that after x number of texts and e-mails, you will respond. You'll keep perpetuating the cycle if you don't stick to NC. I understand that you are frustrated that he can't think about what he's doing to YOU, but he's not really thinking about your feelings right now, he's thinking about his. When we go through breakups, we seem to take personally the ex-partner's behavior as something they do TO us, but we really shouldn't; this person is just grieving in a different way than you and isn't thinking about your pain and confusion. This is hardest time during the breakup. I know it as an intense relationship, but it was relatively short, and I predict that, after a few weeks, his attempts at contact will wane and will eventually cease. You just have to be strong enough to wait it out.
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Have you tried maybe temporarily blocking him on your cell? I have this option on mine and I tend to use it when something like this is happening. It's only temporary anyway and you can unblock him later. This will give you time to heal.
Capricciosa Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Block him from your email, your profile, wherever you can. If he doesn't get the message, it is up to you to protect yourself and your need for distance. In any case, he can only send so many messages without a reply. Hang tough. Sorry this is so hard on you.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I would try to block him if I could. For me, it is very hard to block anyone, even if I don't want to talk to them again. He is obviously NOT getting the hint! I think he wants to get a rise out of you and is regretting the way he has treated you. He seems to look upon other people as a play thing, in a way. I am sure he genuinely cares for you but it seems that it is not good for you in the longterm!
Author D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I've taken him off my MSN. Didn't know I could block someone on my cell phone! I will look into that. As far as the dating site, I haven't been back since I got his letter.... What's worse is that on top of feeling sad, I feel guilty for ignoring him. I don't want to feel that way- but I do. How stupid is that? Sadly, or rather, pathetically- I guess I haven't blocked him on my e-mail because a small part of me hopes he is going to send me that "I've made a mistake" e-mail. That's the problem with an ex-lover that continues to reach out- the texts and emails are little pieces of hope. However, I don't want to feel any hope because I don't want to deal with the disappointment. I know it wasn't a long time... I shouldn't feel as hurt as I am. I'm going to look into that option of blocking on my cell. Hopefully my carrier supports that function.
Joker77 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I've decided that if I get another text or call from my ex again, I'm not responding. I think you should do the same thing. You deserve better.
Trialbyfire Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 People can be so selfish and in that selfishness, cruel. All you can do is to ignore is attempts at contact. What more can he ask for from you? You've been clear about your needs and he's been unwilling to meet them. Have you considered a grenade?
lovingalways Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 It's funny how we all have the same problems. I was dating a guy for 4 years before we decided to end it. We didn't talk for 6 months and he decided it would be "wonderful" to send me an e-mail for my birthday wishing me a happy birthday. I didn't know what to say back. It was surprising to see him do this so I thanked him, but I don't understand why they do this. I got over him (Thank God) but if that wasn't the case, I would be a mess right now. D-Lish - try going into the option called "Manage Calls" -> "Restrict Calls". There should be an option there to pick a number which you want to "block".
underpants Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I don't know why some people do this either? Especially when you have communicated your needs. To respond with cute little jokes like any of your emotion doesn't matter. Well, I find that insulting. Who knows? Maybe it is their way of softening the separation? It is probably hard for him too. You seem torn and frustrated. ((Hugs))
Author D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 I've decided that if I get another text or call from my ex again, I'm not responding. I think you should do the same thing. You deserve better. Thanks, and I'm not going to respond. I think it's great that you have decided to stick to no contact for your own well being! It's not easy to follow through with, but it's the best way to heal.
carhill Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 D, is it possible that the very personality which does not recognize nor respect your need for healing was part of what attracted you in the first place? Think about that. If he were a guy who was sensitive about and respectful of your privacy and need for healing, do you think the personality imbued with those characteristics would have made him attractive to you? While I do empathize with you, I do see the reality of what happened; more precisely what you let happen. I'm happy it was exciting and fulfilling while it lasted. That says a lot Am I not firm enough? Am I being a jerk for not remaining friendly? Consistency will succeed. No, you're not a jerk for expressing your feelings and what you want, in this case for contact to cease. IMO, it's too bad you two couldn't have embraced, smiled at each other and parted on positive terms with no further contact. I love an emotional (good emotional) goodbye with finality, taking positive and loving memories forward. What he's doing is spoiling the good vibe. You guys were great together. I wish he would just leave it at that. Stay the course
Joker77 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks, and I'm not going to respond. I think it's great that you have decided to stick to no contact for your own well being! It's not easy to follow through with, but it's the best way to heal. Trust me, it's been hard. I had a rough patch this weekend. Work on yourself and everything will fall into place. Judging by your photo, you don't need to work too hard.
Author D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 People can be so selfish and in that selfishness, cruel. All you can do is to ignore is attempts at contact. What more can he ask for from you? You've been clear about your needs and he's been unwilling to meet them. Have you considered a grenade? Lol... Yes. I am going to go and look at my phone menu and see about the restrict calls option! Thank you for that info. I think what I need to do is get mad... Maybe reconcile with the notion that he is selfish. Getting mad at someone often helps alleviate the guilt of not returning their contact! I also tend to get "stuck" on having unfinished business with regard to the exchange of things. I've had this issue before. I keep telling myself that I need closure by getting/giving stuff back to one another. I am really trying to tell myself not to look at missing some things as being "outstanding" business. I can find closure in other ways. Initially I thought I wanted to have a face to face with him when I got back from my trip. He had suggested we go for a pint and talk when I got home, but I think we'd end up getting cracked and sleeping together.
Author D-Lish Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 D, is it possible that the very personality which does not recognize nor respect your need for healing was part of what attracted you in the first place? Think about that. If he were a guy who was sensitive about and respectful of your privacy and need for healing, do you think the personality imbued with those characteristics would have made him attractive to you? While I do empathize with you, I do see the reality of what happened; more precisely what you let happen. I'm happy it was exciting and fulfilling while it lasted. That says a lot Possibly, I think I started out being attracted to the notion that he wasn't sticking around. We met on a dating site about 4 months before he came to Canada. We talked about that a lot with each other. We both admitted after about a month of dating that feelings were developing and that neither of us intended for that to happen. It was during that period that I questioned investing myself- but his vulnerability with regard to his own feelings kept me around. I did let it happen. I guess I am kicking myself and trying to make things right for myself now. I don't think he is a bad guy, I know he is fond of me. I think he is just able to seperate fondness and investment, whereas I am not. I couldn't do a face to face with him at this juncture, give him a hug and a "great to know you" good-bye. I'm never a fan of good-bye's in general. Thanks Carhill. Insightful as always.
Isolde Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 I'm sad to hear he's been disregarding your request, D-Lish. I would be insulted, too. Having said that, are you SURE a face-to-face goodbye might not be a good idea? It's hard and gut-wrenching, but it could impress upon him that you are NOT fooling around, that you MEAN it when you say you don't want to talk to him anymore. Closure can be a beautiful and humane thing, and I'm upset that he is making that hard for you. It reeks of immaturity.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Lol... Yes. I am going to go and look at my phone menu and see about the restrict calls option! Thank you for that info. I think what I need to do is get mad... Maybe reconcile with the notion that he is selfish. Getting mad at someone often helps alleviate the guilt of not returning their contact! I also tend to get "stuck" on having unfinished business with regard to the exchange of things. I've had this issue before. I keep telling myself that I need closure by getting/giving stuff back to one another. I am really trying to tell myself not to look at missing some things as being "outstanding" business. I can find closure in other ways. Initially I thought I wanted to have a face to face with him when I got back from my trip. He had suggested we go for a pint and talk when I got home, but I think we'd end up getting cracked and sleeping together. D, if you need some finality, do it. If you end up sleeping together, give him a night he'll never forget! Btw, if you need someone to kick his arse for being a dick, you know where to find me. I wield a pretty good baseball bat but only on kneecaps.
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