Author Mio Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Ah, a lightbult moment! You feel guilt for upsetting the apple cart and you're really hoping that you didn't hose up her marriage by altering her perceptions. As much as you might want, you still can't pick out who (if any) is her Fairytale Man. Don't forget. And if the H is hitting on your friends, he just might not be Prince Charming, ya know. --LG. Thanks heaps, LG. I'll be thinking about this a lot tonight (it's NYE on my side of the world).
Marteka Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Life is messy, no matter how you try to live it. Trying to lead a straight life is just fighting against the current. The more I look at the lives of my parents, siblings, friends and colleagues, the more I realise that the very people who think they can lead the upright, "normal" (whatever that is) life are the ones who find it hardest to pick themselves up when they get tripped over by it. It sounds like your friend has a lot of thinking to do. You have precipitated a major crisis. It is not your fault...there is something that she now thinks is critically wrong in her life that you have happened to help her recognise. If you had not appeared, sure, she might have gone on trying to work on her "perfect" life, but she would also have been hiding a lot of pain, for who knows how long. She is now finally being honest with herself. I had a brief affair that led me to re-evaluate my entire life. I left a relationship that was doing me damage, I changed my job which I realised was making me unhappy. Life has opened up again. I have no contact with the guy who initiated this life change for me, but I do think of him a lot in a very fond way. He is someone I am glad came along when he did. You did the right thing cutting off contact. Let her think things through on her own and come to her own decisions. She has to worry about those 5 kids ... that will be very,very tough. This thread made me think of a quote from "Mr and Mrs Smith": "Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet." I bet Prince Charming eventually had a mid-life crisis, even if he had Cinderella waiting for him back at the castle. Happy new year.
Author Mio Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thank you Marteka, I appreciate your kindness and wisdom. It sounds like we have been through somewhat similar experiences. I had a brief EA late in my marriage which forced me into a huge, transformative crisis. Best thing that ever happened to me in a way, although I still feel an ache when I remember my ex-wife's pain. It transformed her too, but it hurts deeply to recall her despair. Like you, I have a completely different perspective on those around me now. That moral uprightness is a rigidity which one day snaps. It reminds me of that old wisdom which exhorts us to be firm but supple, like a young branch. You are right about the process that has awakened in my ex-fiancée. I bet you are even right about her H. But as you say, I need to let them work this out on their own. It's what I asked of her in November, and it's what I need to continue to ask of her should she appear at my door one day. Oh, and Happy New Year to you too
Marteka Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks. You make a lot of sense. Keep posting and don't back off.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 So how do you want this to end? What can you do to affect the outcome for what you want?
Author Mio Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 So how do you want this to end? What can you do to affect the outcome for what you want? No offense, but I've said everything I need to say on this topic. I am at peace about it. Please don't make this thread go like every other thread, where people jump up and down about "what's your detailed plan?". That is anathema to me.
Author Mio Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks. You make a lot of sense. Keep posting and don't back off. Thanks Marteka. It's really good to find a kindred spirit on this board.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Apologies, but I never saw an answer to YOUR question: But if she came to my front door now - and she inevitably will one day soon - how will I turn her away? How can I possibly feel justified in what will happen? What happened to my values? We are all aware of how threads get sidetracked and hijacked and since I didn't see any discussion about what you would do or your own state of morality - I was simply asking. Thought I would post why I asked. Thread closed.
Author Mio Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Sorry I jumped on you. I'm a bit jumpy since coming back on LoveShack. I've seen a few recent threads turn into a bit of lecture and it makes me feel defensive. I think I answered the question in my response to Marteka: I need to let them work this out on their own. It's what I asked of her in November, and it's what I need to continue to ask of her should she appear at my door one day. As LavendarGirl and Marteka accurately observed, I was feeling guilty for precipitating a crisis in my ex-fiancée's marriage. At the same time, I also felt responsible for helping her to detach from me and come to a healthy peace about it. But it isn't my responsibility, nor is it my place to judge the merits of how she pictures her path to happiness. I have to let her find that on her own. Strangely enough, that realisation puts me at peace. It clarifies what the loving response is, and I can hold that in mind if she does appear at my door one day.
Recommended Posts