starzphalling Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 so....today, sent a text....just saying "yo, u didn't call me back, don't leave me in the dark blah blah blah"...yup, i was right, he was done. so im absolutely falling apart at the moment. this was the first guy in a looong time that wasn't broken. wasn't an alchoholic, wasn't clingy, wasn't strangely attracted to womens clothing...ok the last one i made up...but still. he is a great guy, and the one thing that was going well in my life. srsly my life would make such an awsomely depressing movie...think requiem for a dream without the heroin...i let the initial shock crazies out, but then told him i was gonna stop, think, and talk to him later when i could.....wtf do i do now. back to having a crap life, with one more piece of crap on top of the crap sundae. in my heart, i know things wouldn't have worked out in the long term, but it doesn't stop me from falling hard for someone, and wishing the world away so that love can prevail and really be all you need. after my last ex threw me away (8 year relationship) i did that whole blah never gonna date again, guarded heart thing...then i met this guy...i tried so hard to keep myself from getting involved, and right now part of me is so angry that i let myself give in to my heart. why....just why...someone please tell me that there will be something that goes right in my life....cause he has been the only light in my life in the past 4 years now...i must have been a really crappy person in another life, cause i got s*** for karma. ok...im going to go back to stammering to myself and crying uncontrolably.
Riffmeister General Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Ah hun, that's terrible news. Number 1, you're not alone, we know how you feel right now. It's not paranoia when you end up being right, it's intuition. I was paranoid about this 1 guy perhaps having something for my girl, and low and behold, while knowing she was with me, he made a pass at her. Then, he was all pally with me over Facebook. Git. You're in stage 1. No hope, no way out. You'll start to find positives coming out of this pretty soon though (as hard as that is to believe right now). It's all part of the universe delivering you to where you'll end up for the best (no, I don't believe in fate, but I can't disprove it). There's nothing anyone can say right now, except let it all out. Don't contain it. If you need to cry on the bus in front of everyone DO IT. It's liberating, actually...
saturnfell Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I'm sorry, I didn't see this post before responded to your other post. I'm sorry this was the outcome. Don't refer to your life as crappy. From your posts I can tell you have a personality. You just need to get through the initial mud, dig yourself out a little and start feeling better. If you didn't think there was a future with this guy, seriously think about how much better it is that this happened now opposed to three years from now. There would have been so much additional attachment. Also, don't settle if you know there's no future. You will find someone who appreciates you 100% and responds to your calls and questions. You deserve positive feedback and true love. Don't sell yourself short. It sounds like deep down, you know what you want. Give yourself a bit of time, you'll find it. Again, i'm sorry. It's his loss. He doesn't deserve you.
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 its not that it wouldn't have worked, but rather it wouldn't have been fair. i was 8 years older than him, and im not terribly old. It was more one of those things where, i don't feel it would have been fair to him for us to really last. i would have taken away part of his life. where as i have two handfuls of relationships behind me, one extremely long term, he is still getting started. i would have always thought, "does he resent me because he wasn't able to really live out those years." i keep vacillating between, being perfectly fine because in my mind i know. to beyond hurt/crazy/mopy/inconsolably depressed because its still rejection, and i really did love him. no matter what my brain knows its gonna be fighting with my heart for a bit. eventually my brain/heart will unwind from the knots its stuck in, and i'll be able to really see what i felt. and its so weird. when i say perfectly fine, i mean strangly perfectly fine. like where i could call him and talk about random crap. part of me says its because we were friends for 3 years, and only dated for 3 or 4 months, only saw each other for a week. but i don't know. i know everyone says go nc and don't do a friend thing. and im going to have to for a bit, but he's one of those people that i don't want to lose from my life because he's been such a close friend. i don't regret dating him, i try my darndest to live my life with no regrets, and accept everything that has come to me and all the decisions i have made, but another part of me says it was such a mistake to date him and risk the friendship, which has forever changed now. i could keep rambling and babbling and im sure i will be back later doing it some more. but while eventually i will pull myself out of the mud saturn, i think im gonna sit here for a bit and make some pies and mud castles. and text him and tell him that i'll get ahold of him when i'm good to (earlier i told him i would later tonight, but i soooooo don't want to talk to him tonight for my own sanity).
saturnfell Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Looks like you're headed in a right direction. ***Buzz*** 1,000 points! Joking!
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 saturn u best not be joking...i want my points! otherwise alex tribec will never pay up.... anywho...ok so i was playing with mud earlier...then started writing cause its what i do, i talk to myself a lot..i is crazy. so out of nowhere he texts me. saying maybe he doesn't know what he wants, and if im willing to keep the door open because he wants to. i feel like all of a sudden im talking him through the breakup...what in the crap is going on lol. and if anyone is wondering, i told him that i never say never, and to live his life and do what he needs to do. this has never happend to me after getting dumped so im a little perplexed, but ok...im not going to spend my time hoping on that...rather hoping that its not lymphoma...seems to outweigh it just a bit... so at the moment im out of the mud, sitting on the dirt wondering where the water went...im sure i'll find the water and be back in the mud soon enough but for now bah. wow i so feel bi-polar right now..only like fast forward bi-polar, i've switched moods like 20 times in the past 5 hours. i like who i am, some people get annoyed that i laugh about so many things, im like the doctor in the simpsons that laughs at the most inappropriate things, but if you can't laugh at stuff life is going to suck! my advice to everyone on here, find something to laugh about. find a smile everyday. it makes things so much easier, and sometimes you realize the trivialness about some of these things because of it.
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 my advice to everyone on here, find something to laugh about. find a smile everyday. it makes things so much easier, and sometimes you realize the trivialness about some of these things because of it. I watched Dragnet today. That made me laugh. Sort of guarded congrats on the situation, but like you say, don't pin anything on it. (said the hypocrite).
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 im not pinning anything on it at all. one day if im ready i'll talk to him again as a friend, and thats really all i have "planned" i really got burnt out on the false hope situation with my other ex (8 year relationship, strung me along the last year because he got rejected by two other girls, unbeknownst to me), i did everything sooooo wrong in that relationship, that it showed me things to never do again. and for some stupid reason, i fell just as hard for this guy as i did for that one - and that actually really helps, because i had the whole "i'll never feel this way again" after the first guy, and this relationship showed me that it comes again, and it will continue to as long as you are open to it. apparently im a glutton for punishment, so i will keep putting my heart out there to enjoy the happiness when its there, and deal with the crap sadness when it comes. i feel all prophetic like today. someone bring me multi-colored robes!!! uho...stupid movie is on...memories attempting to overtake.....feeling inconsolable depression comming back..i'm going to sleep, i can't cry anymore, i already think im dehydrated...ok water then bed...i'll bring me and all my crazieness back tomorrow.
Author starzphalling Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 ok so i know i should totally be all RAWR and tell him off...but...he dumped me...and he keeps texting me...why? is this in addition to all the other stuff he said just him being indecisive? CONFUSION...i mean yeah blah blah blah i should want to go NC but hey its the 2nd official day, so i can still be all girly and in denial....but yeah...i don't get it...
Riffmeister General Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Texting/emailing etc is habit forming, and even if you're the one who initiated the break-up, it's still very difficult to break that habit immediately. Tell him to stop until he comes to a conclusion, because he's making you confused and upset by the constant contact and reminders. NC is hard, but I'm determined to walk that path. Let him see what life without you is like.
saturnfell Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Starz, I could tell you that maybe he's been thinking about his decision and he sees how wrong he was. It's entirely possible. However, if this man wants to come back into your life, he'll have to do more than a few text messages. Think of the past days you've spent upset and crying over him, wondering what he was thinking... all with a lingering relationship status. It's a terrible thing. Maybe you should take some time and think about what you want? And, if you so choose, think about it in the dirt. It's totally fine, if they lose us they will love us with dirty hair and sandy clothes. I however, have no hope today. The buzzer keeps buzzing and I find I'm still a fool.
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