babycakes112 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Hi, im new to this forum and need a bit of help and advice please. At my job i became friendly with an older man who is married. We talk a lot on the phone and e-mail and instantly clicked. We can talk about anything for hours on end, and he told me i can confide in him, which i did. Sometimes he'd sign e mails off with kisses but i do to my friends also so again thought he was being friendly, although maybe overly friendly. The conversation would usually turn very flirtatious. He would compliment me often. There is a lot of chemistry and a connection between us that i have never felt in my life with anyone else. It didn't take me long to realise i had a bit of a thing for him but i never thought for a second that anything would come of it. I certainly didn't intend it to. People i sit by at work always commented on our conversations and told me he must like me, and to be careful. Around a year ago i gave him my cell number and occasionally we would chat on a night when he wasn't home. People would tell me this was strange and not right in itself for a married man, but i thought it was just friendly chat and never questioned him on it. He has been saying for a little while that we should go out for a drink when he was in this part of the country again (he works away from the main HQ, he lives in the North and me the South) this is the only time when it struck me that a married man shouldn't really be taking out a woman 20 years younger than him for drinks and i started to wonder if something would happen but i suppose i was curious as i did like him, and i just wanted to see what would happen. Im sure you can guess the rest. We had a great time having some drinks and a chat but that chat ended up in his room.....we did not sleep together but got very close to doing so. He did initiate it but i did nothing to stop it and to be honest i probably would have tried to initiate if he didn't. It was amazing and very passionate, not at all awkward, it just felt right. We spoke about it the next day as i needed to know what he was feeling, if anything. He told me straight away he'd had an amazing night but he had felt very guilty for his wife and people would get hurt if this continued. He told me that he'd never cheated before in his life, and i do believe him. He says he wants us to carry on as normal, keep having our chats and having laughs together, and we can go for drinks again. We have obviously spoken since and its been the same, very friendly and flirtatious and he has made a lot of flirty and jokey references to that night. Im ashamed to admit that i think if he'd suggested keeping this on a casual basis i would have agreed. I still like him in that way even more so after that night. My friend tells me he obviously must like me too or else he wouldn't have done it, just he is thinking with his head and not his 'other thing!' (i DO hope he likes me in that way, do you think he does?) I really do want this to happen again, i just can't seem to tell myself that that is it, it was just that one night and now its over, we are, and always going to be, just friends.
jj33 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 If you have read ANY of the other posts on here from people who have been in affairs and you believe the pain and the heartache that is scrawled across the pages you WILL STOP NOW. This man told you he feels guilty. He doesnt want an affair. He doesnt want anything other than the flirtation. If you allow more there will be more. But what will that do for you? Yes there is the thrill of the electric charge. The newness the connection. Go find that with someone who is not married. You are at the precipe it is not too late to turn back. Even in the best of situations (and the best are rare very very rare) there are loads and loads of tears before any sort of happy ending. The happy endings are rare and the tears are just about guaranteed. But noone can tell you, just like noone could tell me at the time. Everyone wants to believe that their situation will be different. And that they will have a story book ending. Some do but they are very very very rare.
Author babycakes112 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 I know this man would never leave his wife for me, and i wouldn't want to break up a happy marriage. For some reason i am totally willing to let myself get hurt by him. I guess for some reason i just want to know that he does like me like that, he wasn't even drinking that night, he was totally sober so it wasn't like alcohol was to blame. I know he doesn't want any more to do with me in that way. Some part of me thinks he did want something to happen between us, thats why it happened but afterwards he realised he couldn't go on doing that to his wife. He is doing the right thing, i know he is, it shows he isn't a complete ****. I just don't know why i can't get him and that night out my head its the last thing i think of on a night and the first thing i think of on a morning. I've never been in a situation like this before, i'm just so confused. At the end of the day i do not want to lose him as a friend i guess.
jj33 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Look he doesnt want to lose you as a friend either. These things happen. DONT let your need for validation allow your heart to get stomped on. Why would you do that to yourself? When you can see the trainwreck that it is going to become? Look everyone is subject to temptation all the time. Sometimes people get weak and they give into that temptation. That is what happened This man had a weak moment and he gave into the temptation of being with you. its not that compilcated. If your ego is so fragile that you need to pursue this, then think strongly about IC. If you dont want to lose his friendship that is fine. He doesnt want to lose yours either. Just let it be. You can smile when you see him remembering your special night together. But for Gods sake DONT allow yourself to make this into something more. it will only end in tears.
Author babycakes112 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks for your advice, i guess i just needed someone to put it bluntly, i guess my friends don't want to upset me by doing that, but thats what i need. What does IC stand for? I know i am being crazy. I can go out to bars and clubs and get attention of men, why do i want a married man? I guess i'll always like him in a way like that i just can't help that we are attracted to each other.
jj33 Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Now that is sensible. Yes you can always like him that way but for God sakes dont act on it knowing it will break your heart. Hes married. Hes way older than you are. He lives out of town. he likes the attention but after one evening he already feels guilty. Lets face it even if you thought YOU could handle it he is not really cut out for an affair is he? So much as you like the spark you need to let it go in terms of spending time with him alone in the future. There is nothing good about a married man going out with a woman 20 years his junior. NOTHING. EVER. Unless you are his daughter niece or other relative. Its nice to think yes we can be friends but its kind of like that line from when harry met sally - that men only do that because they want something to happen - now that is not true in all cases but in this case its certainly true. Bottom line dont play with fire. Find another way to get your kicks. Go to a club go out with your friends
LavendarGirl Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Babycakes, I'm not sure how old you are, aside from being 20 years junior to this MM who is pursuing you. But you have a great deal of insight into your feelings and situation, and for that I applaud you. I think you have enough sense and foresight to know that you need to end things now, because there is no chance of it continuing without it getting messy and more complicated. Continuing the conversations and emails as you are is flirtatious and on the level of an emotional affair. Don't kid yourself into thinking it's a harmless friendship. It sounds like you have a solid, established network of friends, so you really don't want to have this sort of friend, do you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Make no mistake: you and he will sleep together. That is his intent, and was from the beginning.
norajane Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I know i am being crazy. I can go out to bars and clubs and get attention of men, why do i want a married man? I guess i'll always like him in a way like that i just can't help that we are attracted to each other. Because your ego wants the validation of tempting a married, committed man. All the attention you get from guys in the clubs is easy, and it means nothing to you because it's hollow, based on how you look that night. But this guy is someone you sort of look up to, respect. Not only is he older and more experienced in life, but he's also already committed to his wife, and THAT makes him a much more significant conquest to you. To win over a married man and have the potential to break up his marriage, wow, this must be such a special thing you two have! MM are not really as significant of a conquest as you might think. Single men can go after ANY single woman who they are attracted to. MM can ONLY go after the women who are willing to mess around with a married guy...their pool is much, much smaller because there aren't nearly as many women who are willing to have an affair with a married guy. So if he's singled you out, it's not necessarily because you are so special to him, but because you've shown yourself to be so willing and easily led and he'll take what's in front of him and freely offered. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh, because that's not my intention. But you wouldn't be the first young women who's had her head turned by a MM and gotten stuck in that rut for years and years, only falling for unavailable men who will never be able to give her a real relationship. If you're bored with the boys who are attentive to you, there's nothing wrong with dating men. But stay away from the married ones, because that will bite you in the ass, sooner or later.
Author babycakes112 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I really don't think anymore will happen between us as he is the one who said it can't when we spole the following day, and that he was feeling bad for his wife. I guess if he asks me out for a drink again i really shouldn't go though? Just in case something were to happen again? Someone mentioned about what my age was, im 22 and he is 44 so he is double my age.... I've been thinking a lot about this today after reading your messages and i can't actually believe i let it get so far! This is not something i would normally do. I was also thinking it was around a year ago when we became friends on a more personal level, when i was going through a bad break up with my boyfriend. Strange how he became more interested when i was single? Still, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. I've been a bit down over a few things just lately, im originally from the uk and moved to Florida age 18 for my Dads job and i've been badly homesick just lately amongst other things etc so i guess i wasn't thinking straight and have been totally blind to where this 'friendship' was leading, but i guess because i do like him i wasn't gonna stop the flirty chat, i liked it and it made me feel good, it still does. Still, i still can't stop liking him in that way, and thats dangerous
LavendarGirl Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I really don't think anymore will happen between us as he is the one who said it can't when we spole the following day, and that he was feeling bad for his wife. Don't believe him when he says this (that he can't have sex with you because of his family). He said this the day after, when things didn't progress. It could be his way of reeling you back in and keeping you close so that when the next opportunity strikes, you are more apt to feel sorry for his struggles, etc. He is continuing to flirt with you. He's still keeping you as his play-option. Don't fall for it. Cut your ties and walk away.
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