Wife isnt interested physically after 6 years of marriage.

December 30, 2008

Well, I have 3 kids and the third is 3 months old. I have seen my wife become less and less interested in me over the past years. I wish it wasnt like this but it is. I guess Ive come to the realize that things arent just gonna change. We've talked about it and she shows me really no hope to things could get better. I just really want to feel wanted , not just sexually, but just be interested I guess. But the type of person I am, I want to be physical and it's important to me. All she tells me is that we need to go back to being best friends, but she never really hints to the fact she will ever want me phyiscally again, no signs. So I really dont what to do, I just feel that its never coming back, and what do I do , just wait here?

I know it's not just her, our fighting and troubles in the past is what she claims most of the reason why were not intimate anymore. I'm not an angel but, I 've done a whole lot to keep our relationship going. I do all the house work, laundry, dishes,take care of the kids,feed and make sure they are taken everyday . I feel sometimes I'm just there and she knows I'll be there to take care of things so she knows I'm not going anywhere, so there's nothing she has to do to keep me here. She knows all be here.

I feel that I need to leave, because inside me I need to be wanted, to be noticed and appreciated, but I feel it will never get there again!

December 31, 2008

Were all three kids of this 6-year marriage?

I had three kids in a little over three years, and let me tell you, at the time, I thought I could live forever without anyone ever touching me ever ever again. But I snapped out of it, and I'm sure your wife will, too. Dude, pull a pork roast through your penis and see how quickly you feel like getting it on again! lol. too graphic, mods?

Things will get better. Don't walk out on your family.

December 31, 2008

Please don't give up. Having three children in just six years is a lot for a woman to deal with. She will be exhausted physically and emotionally. Don't pressure her. Make her realise that you love her, you still desire her and find her exciting but do not make her feel guilty that she is too tired/stressed/forgetting she is a woman and not just a mother.

She is probably feeling worse than you. Remember that childbirth will have taken its toll and she needs to recover.

December 31, 2008

All she tells me is that we need to go back to being best friends, but she never really hints to the fact she will ever want me phyiscally again, no signs.

Please don't give up. Having three children in just six years is a lot for a woman to deal with. She will be exhausted physically and emotionally.

When my wife was a SAHM with our two kids born 363 days apart (don't ask ), the one thing she said she missed was adult companionship. Immersed all day in Barney, dirty diapers and temper tantrums, she felt cut off and isolated from the outside world. Is your wife sending you a version of the same message? I wonder how sexy you'd feel after a typical all-day 3 rug rat rodeo?

Mr. Lucky

December 31, 2008

No offense just an observation. You don't seem to be the man of the house. You do all the chores, take care of the kids, etc. etc. Admirable but not masculine. She probably feels that too. Maybe if you assert your manhood it would help.

December 31, 2008

My son is 10, and my daughters are 4 and 2 months old. i guess I can be a pushover at times, but I just try to do the right things, I guess the wife can be lazy at times so I 've taken on doing most of things around the house, I do it for the kids, they have no fault in all of this so I do what I gotta do.

December 31, 2008

My son is 10, and my daughters are 4 and 2 months old. i guess I can be a pushover at times, but I just try to do the right things, I guess the wife can be lazy at times so I 've taken on doing most of things around the house, I do it for the kids, they have no fault in all of this so I do what I gotta do.

Tell her get off her lazy ass and do something. Don't ask. Don't be a raging lunatic or over explantatory about how you feel about it. Put some bass in your voice and tell her to get off her ass.

January 3, 2009

Yeah, telling the mother of your 3 children to "get off her lazy ass" is going to go over real well. I think you shold tell her that you still desire to be more intimate with her. That you two are married and made a commitment to each other and that you want to do your best to meet her needs and that you want her to be a part of meeting yours..something like that. Sometimes women do stop trying on this end and sometimes men don't verbalize what they need in a constructive way.

January 3, 2009

I do all the house work, laundry, dishes,take care of the kids,feed and make sure they are taken everyday . I feel sometimes I'm just there and she knows I'll be there to take care of things so she knows I'm not going anywhere, so there's nothing she has to do to keep me here. She knows all be here.
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Normally I would agree with what most have said but peacebyinches may be on to something. Maybe she's taking the OP for granted.

January 3, 2009

So since you stated you basically do it all, what exactly does she do?

What are you bringing to the table in the marriage to make her feel connected and physically closer to you? there is more to it than you doing all the chores etc, but what are you doing to connect with her on an emotional level? Remember its never just one person who is to blame. If you all have a 3month old, perhaps her hormones are out of whack from the birth? Is it possible she is suffering from post partum depression?

January 3, 2009

But the type of person I am, I want to be physical and it's important to me. All she tells me is that we need to go back to being best friends, but she never really hints to the fact she will ever want me phyiscally again, no signs. So I really dont what to do, I just feel that its never coming back, and what do I do , just wait here?

Important issue. Wait? No, continue what you're doing (being a helpful husband and responsible dad) and grab her ass.

If she continues to freeze you out, what are the consequences for her? Think about that.

I'll tell you something that MC helped me with....it was communicating what I wanted clearly and setting a timeline for action. Then, listening. Validating. Accepting another's perspective and deciding whether it was healthy for me in our circumstance.

A couple questions:

Are you physically affectionate with your wife without having an expectation of sex? If yes, how does she respond? If no, would you consider trying it for a month, without expectation of change on her part?

Has your wife recently had a physical examination, including blood panels? If no, I would suggest it. If the changes you relate occurred most markedly during/after the most recent pregnancy, her physical condition bears scrutiny, IMO.

As to "being a man", I think it's a good idea to set your boundaries and be a leader by example. Engage your wife in "chores" by "hon, I want your help with this. Let's do it together". Focus on facing things together, not being appreciated or expecting her to do her "share". I know what not being appreciated feels like. It sucks. It's a love killer. You can't change her; you can change your behavior and response to her. Try it and let us know

January 5, 2009

Thanks, for the thoughts I'll try some of these things and look into more of the physical conditions, post partum stuff. i'll let you know how it goes

January 17, 2009

Well , me and the wife have talked and gone over things, and have decided to seperate. She does not want to got o the doctor and get checked out physically. She just says she cant be intimate with me , becuase of the past and she has blocks, and scars from how I treated her over the years. She said all this time she asked me to work on her heart. I thought I was, We have not had any major fights in the last couple of years, thats why I feel like, were she should have told me if I was doing something wrong or if I wasnt doing enough. I did'nt really get those feelings. But I guess she has never forgotten and I understand, I just wish I could have worked on it. Well, were in a position where , she says she cant be that way with me , and she is not giving me any hints or hopes that it will change. So were left here, where she says she can honestly be ok with never having sex or that type of intimacy. She just wants to hold me and cuddle and be with me. Im ok with giving her that, but I'm human and i'm not going to lie I need to be intimate. So we came to the conclusion that if I stay and she cant ever feel that way again or want me, I will resent her or hate her in the future. I understand and that's probably the way I would feel if I waited and tried and nothing changed. So she doesnt want me to go but, she would rather break up this way and leave on good terms then, me hating her later.

Something else.

So that's where I'm at, we have been talking and working on this for a few weeks, since Dec 12. All this time, I have become a more sensitive to things and I was getting irritated that she was constantly texting on her phone. I told her that , it started to bother me, and it seemed like texting her friends was more important then other things going on . I understand that we were having troubles and she was talking to friends and so on, so I didnt try to say much.

Be it we were already moving towards seperating, i came across our cell phone bill and i noticed that we had to pay an extra $75 for texting on the this bill , so... I went online to check the bill and I looked at the records and looked at the numbers to and from that were texting, so...I called the one that had the most, and got the voice mail of one of her male coworkers. So I asked her about it first who was this guy and how often do they text each other.. this was her answer we probably text each other a few times a day to say hi and what's going on...I said ok , and she said there just friends, I said ok.....so here's the thing guys am I wrong or over reacting, you tell me? I counted the records, I told her so a few times constitutes as on the average 80 texts between them a day, almost everyday for the past 2 months and 117 and 111 in the past few days. I understand the spike for the past few days, but how about the last two months? this guy is also married with kids..So all through this conversation she says they are just friends, nothings going on. i have a gut feeling there is something there but, I can accept that they are friends.

I just feel disrespected by this guy and my wife, she says it's her fault she didnt realize that it was so much, but I feel this guy should have some common sense, and say to himself man I text this guy's wife almost all day long, Saturdays, Sundays, New Years Day...Is he ok with this?

Dam, I told her, how about his wife? Is she ok with this? I'm going to call her and tell her about..

I feel she is defending him, in that he is not doing anything wrong, she wants me to leave his wife out of this and they have their own problems..I dont know...

At the end of this, if they are just friends, it still hurts me because, instead of me, she went to another guy. To get that compainionship, attention, understanding....but I didnt get anything from her as if I wasnt giving enough, I didnt get the ..lets talk more or the mass texting. I thought I was doing what i could do and we were all right....but really we were'nt. She needed this from someone and I coudnt give this to her, so she went elsewhere.

I guess this was just another piece to why we were, growing apart from each other.

Sorry so long guys, I am just venting, dont really have many people to talk to so just wanted to let some of this out:(

January 17, 2009

Be it we were already moving towards seperating, i came across our cell phone bill and i noticed that we had to pay an extra $75 for texting on the this bill , so... I went online to check the bill and I looked at the records and looked at the numbers to and from that were texting, so...I called the one that had the most, and got the voice mail of one of her male coworkers. So I asked her about it first who was this guy and how often do they text each other.. this was her answer we probably text each other a few times a day to say hi and what's going on...I said ok , and she said there just friends, I said ok.....so here's the thing guys am I wrong or over reacting, you tell me? I counted the records, I told her so a few times constitutes as on the average 80 texts between them a day, almost everyday for the past 2 months and 117 and 111 in the past few days. I understand the spike for the past few days, but how about the last two months? this guy is also married with kids..So all through this conversation she says they are just friends, nothings going on. i have a gut feeling there is something there but, I can accept that they are friends.

When I first read about you two separating I was really shocked, and then I got to this above paragraph and I heard the ding, ding, ding in my head. Your wife is engaged in an emotional affair, and it really doesn't matter that there's not physical contact (which it sounds like there's not). She is obsessed with the OM, in "the affair fog," and, while you may have had legitimate marital issues before he came into the picture, you will not be able to sort them out until she ceases all contact with him.

You should understand that your wife is in a very volatile emotional state (especially given that she has also recently given birth). Given that she wants to separate, there's not a whole lot you can do right now except do so and see if she comes around. She may be separating from you so she can make it possible for her emotional affair to become physical. Take this situation very, very seriously.

January 17, 2009

Thx Join the club, I hear what you say, I feel like maybe later on it might become physical, I just didnt like the fact she made it like the other guy didnt do anything wrong ... am I wrong here does this sound weird or fishy or what? 80 between them a day , even though it's not physical , I feel she is still having feelings or something. It just doesnt seem right, all I know is that even thought it's not physical , she is still getting someting from him, that I cant give?

January 17, 2009

Cali Chris

I am really sorry to hear your news. My impression is that it is an EA as well. That emotional turmoil and confusion along with her recent pregnancy are major contributors to her lack of interest in sex. Yet you say your wife is happy to cuddle you and you say that she would like you to stay together but she says she does not expect you to go without sex hence the separation you are talking about.

Your wife could be saying this for 1 of 2 reasons:

1. It is a lie to force a separation without telling you about the EA. A real cop out way to do its as its along the lines of "I want you (but I am going to make it impossible for it to work)"

2. She actualy does mean it. Now if it is this then there may still be a chance for you both if she can stop the EA and focus on the marriage. Earlier posts talked about your wife seeing a doctor (for postnatal depression) and this may still be the case. However what you both need if this is to work is MC. Do you think she would agree to that?

January 17, 2009

the third is 3 months old. I have seen my wife become less and less interested in me over the past years.

on the average 80 texts between them a day, almost everyday for the past 2 months

1) With 80 texts per day I'm betting that the affair has progressed to being a physical love affair. Her refusing to get a physical done confirms that she's very aware that she has no problems with sexual attraction at all, because she happens to have those feelings for the co-worker.

2) This affair started before the baby was born. I realise this must be painful for you to hear but it's likely that the 3 month old isn't yours. Even without your circumstances, the likelihood of that would be 1 in 10. In your case... Please, consider a paternal test TODAY.

3) Perhaps the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass could be helpful for you one way or another. I haven't read it myself though.

January 17, 2009

2) This affair started before the baby was born. I realise this must be painful for you to hear but it's likely that the 3 month old isn't yours. Even without your circumstances, the likelihood of that would be 1 in 10. In your case... Please, consider a paternal test TODAY.
.

It's possible yes - but the texting started 2 months ago and the baby was born 3 months ago, i.e. before the texting appears to have started. The OP needs to speak to his wife before jumping to conclusions like this.

January 17, 2009

Cali Chris, your wife is having a full blown affair with this married man. That is the reason why she doesn't want sex with you now, why she has chosen this moment in time to go off being intimate with you and to blame you for your past behaviors.

You need to post in the Infidelity section of Loveshack, you will get very good help from other posters who have been through exactly what you have been through.

You ABSOLUTELY NEED TO TELL THE MARRIED MAN'S WIFE of the two month long 80+ texts per day!!!! Tell her so she can keep an eye on her H, I bet he will drop your wife so fast, then you have a real shot at sorting out your own issues without unknown problems creeping in.

BTW cheaters always always deny everything... you have to talk to the MM's W and see what she says from her side. And do not tell your wife you told the other man's wife.

Start reading the infidelity section, because there are certain patterns of behavior that cheating spouses follow and you will recognize better what's going on in your marriage. Look up in the archives as well.

Try get hold of her cell phone while she's in the shower, and text her lover by saying "hi baby" and see what you get back.... because I am pretty sure that your wife is deleting all her texts the minute she is done with them... if she and he were truly 'just friends' then she wouldn't have a problem with leaving friendly texts on her cell phone, but I bet they are instantly deleted. Open your eyes, and EXPOSE her affair TO EVERYONE -- to her work, to her family, to your friends... that's the only way to stop it, and for her to get out of her lala land affair state of mind.

January 17, 2009

I believe its an EA, and she is not telling me the rest of . I looked at the cell records again and she and the MM texted about 120 times yesterday. I shouldnt have looked again, hurts that much more. I talked to her, and she does not wan t me to tell the MMW about this and she is saying, I'm being vindictive and exacting some sort of revenge... I'm really not doing this at all , I told her that I 'm just trying to understand the fact that, if she believes that having this so called friendship with this guy and it's ok with her, why shouldnt it be ok for the MMW to know the same thing. She says that I'm being selfish, and all I'm thinking about is me, and I shouldnt cause trouble for his marriage. Common sense tells me this isnt right, but she seems to only care about defending this guy and what will happen to him, other than really seeing how this hurts me:(

January 17, 2009

It is at least an emotional affair. Call his wife and let her know. She will have a problem with it too.

January 17, 2009

Well don't sit around waiting for permission from your wife to talk to the MM's W! You need to do this to 1) Nip this affair in the bud 2) Get his W to keep an eye on him and what he's up to 3) force the issue by getting his W involved, MM will probably make your life easier by Dropping your Wife!

And I would be very, very surprised if they haven't had sex yet. Honestly -- has she shown you their texts? I bet they get sexual in nature.

You wouldn't suspect a physical affair immediately, because YOU are not like that. But judging from how your W turned off you physically once hooked on this man, I highly doubt it's just an emotional affair. Methinks she's getting her physical needs met by him too. That's why she doesn't need sex with you.

Bottom line is you are not being vindictive by phoning the OM's wife, you are helping her marriage and your own.

If you don't stop this affair it's just going to get worse, and both you, the OM's wife and children (if any are involved) are going to go through a lot of hurt because you are listening to your W defending her OM over you and what's good for YOU.

I really do think you should talk to the other man's wife and find out what she sees from her end. You have an obligation to save two marriages, if possible... but you are not doing the right thing, why?

Are you afraid your W might get angry with you? Of course she will. So what? She's so involved with a man outside her marriage that she is not going to be logical (or kind) with you anyway. Just do it. .And post back to let us know.

January 17, 2009

cali chris, you know what's the right thing to do. quit letting your wife tell you what to do. she's just covering her azz so the ea or pa can continue. call his wife show her the phone records of all the texts. expose everything. if she gets pissed---oh well, she's the one screwing up not you.

January 17, 2009

Dam, I told her, how about his wife? Is she ok with this? I'm going to call her and tell her about..

I feel she is defending him, in that he is not doing anything wrong, she wants me to leave his wife out of this and they have their own problems..I dont know...

Look, your wife can't have it both ways. Either this guy is just a friend and therefore telling his wife that the volume and content of the texts has become too much wouldn't be a big deal....OR....he's more than a friend and you need to expose the relationship in order to stop it. The commom thread in either scenario is that you should go to his wife. Don't delay...

Mr. Lucky

January 18, 2009

Damn, 120 texts per day? That's like 10 per waking hour (or one every 6 minutes she's awake)! She's a mother of three, not a freaking teenager. No wonder you do all the chores.

You need to tell the other guy's wife ASAP. Don't tell your wife you told her, let your wife find out by other means.

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Wife isnt interested physically after 6 years of marriage.

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