kashmir Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 This might get a bit long...just a warning. This has been on my mind for a while. There's one girl I've known for about a year. We met through the sport we do and seemed to randomly run into each other frequently around campus. In the beginning I thought she was just trying to recruit me to join some political group, so I tended to avoid her. She stayed in contact with me though and I soon realized that it had nothing to do with the group she tried to get me to join in the beginning. I liked her, but as a friend. I also knew she had a high school boyfriend so I didn't even consider her in a romantic way. So many times though she always went above and beyond what my other friends would do. One time I was kinda bummed because at one of my shows no one I knew showed up, but then she and another girl surprise me and come in. She started initiating some touchy stuff with me like hugging me when we said goodbye or randomly pushing me or punching me, to which I'd play along. Now that stuff can be simply platonic, but sometimes it just seemed like more. One time we hugged for a good minute with our heads resting on each other's shoulders. Neither of us wanted to let go, but I finally broke it off. We also hang out A LOT, especially in the last few months. We'd meet up for meals at least 2-3 times a week and would usually spend a few hours together on the weekend. She insisted on taking me out for dinner on my birthday also. I plan to do the same when her's comes. Could she just be a really good friend? This might sound kind of pathetic, but I wouldn't know a good friend if I had one. I think she views us as being friends, but I can't help but wonder if we'd be different if she didn't have a boyfriend. Obviously, I haven't made any kind of move on her because I've had knowledge of her boyfriend. About her boyfriend - she's mentioned him maybe once in all of our conversations. I didn't even know she had one until someone else told me. I don't know much about him, but they're long distance and he's usually very far away. From what I've gathered, they also only see each other a few days every few months because of her distance. I respect her boyfriend, but at the same time I want to be happy and make her happy too. This girl is the only one who has ever consistently contacted me and made an effort to see me, and that makes me feel really good. We obviously have a lot of common and have really good chemistry to see each other so often. Now and then when we're out at some concert or event people will assume we're a couple. Whenever that happens we don't really talk about it and act like it never happened. Anyway...I'm not sure what I should do. I like her as a friend, but I'm beginning to want more. I'm finding myself more attracted to her as time passes. She is also the only girl where attraction has grown on me. Usually I'll look at a girl or talk to her and be attracted pretty instantly, but this is a much different feeling and it feels a lot more fulfilling. So...what should I do?
bozwa Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 This is a little sticky as you are friends with her and seem to value that friendship a lot. Does she seem like the type who would drop your friendship if she was aware of your feelings toward her? I was in a similar situation as you, but when my friend became aware of my feelings and he didn't reciprocate them, he didn't drop our friendship and it was not awkward. It was difficult for a time, but I did realize over time that the friendship we shared was too important to lose. So I eventually allowed the "friend" feelings to grow to overpower any other feelings I was having. I know it's easier said than done, but my point in telling you this is that it is possible. Depending on how you think she would react, I think you tell her. Maybe find a subtle way in doing it first rather than just blurting it out to her unsuspectingly. Because if she is feeling the same way, then maybe she will then take steps so that she can be with you. You just never know unless you try.
That Emotion Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Telling her how you feel is a risk. In my youth, when I simply came out with it, I had it work out well and I had it backfire. I don't think it is the best approach, especially if she has a boyfriend. I say, in the right moment, go for a kiss.
PrincessPeach Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 If you want to tell her, then tell her. But don't overdue it or make it too big of a deal. Just say something like "I like you, though I've never acted on it because I respect your relationship, I just wanted you to know that I liked you." And leave it at that. there is no need to explain any further. You don't need to ask if she feels the same way, that's not what's important. What's important is letting her know how you feel, don't take away from that powerful message by doing more or trying to over-justify yourself to her. Then just let it be. If she likes you... she'll let you know at some point. By either words or actions. If she doesn't, then it was never made into a big deal and won't put too much strain on your friendship or make things awkward. The most important thing though... don't act any different after you tell her. Keep being the same person you have been. The biggest mistake people make is they change who they are and it will make things awkward because the other person is no longer sure you were the wonderful person they originally met and got to know or this newer weirder version of you. Good luck!
PrincessPeach Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I wouldn't go for the kiss. That'd be making her cheat on her boyfriend and showing that you have no respect for relationships. It may work, but it's a horrible message to send if it doesn't work. And if it does work you'll have to wonder if she'd ever do the same thing to you.
Author kashmir Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 This is a little sticky as you are friends with her and seem to value that friendship a lot. Does she seem like the type who would drop your friendship if she was aware of your feelings toward her? I was in a similar situation as you, but when my friend became aware of my feelings and he didn't reciprocate them, he didn't drop our friendship and it was not awkward. It was difficult for a time, but I did realize over time that the friendship we shared was too important to lose. So I eventually allowed the "friend" feelings to grow to overpower any other feelings I was having. I know it's easier said than done, but my point in telling you this is that it is possible. Depending on how you think she would react, I think you tell her. Maybe find a subtle way in doing it first rather than just blurting it out to her unsuspectingly. Because if she is feeling the same way, then maybe she will then take steps so that she can be with you. You just never know unless you try. Yes, I value our friendship, but I don't think she would avoid me if I told her this. We're both mature and I think we both can move past that if she doesn't have similar feelings for me. Telling her how you feel is a risk. In my youth, when I simply came out with it, I had it work out well and I had it backfire. I don't think it is the best approach, especially if she has a boyfriend. I say, in the right moment, go for a kiss. You know, that has almost happened a few times, and I want to do it so bad, but her having a boyfriend stops me. While I have no reason to feel guilty, she would and she might resent me for putting her in that position. I still think an action like that communicates what even the best words can't, though. If you want to tell her, then tell her. But don't overdue it or make it too big of a deal. Just say something like "I like you, though I've never acted on it because I respect your relationship, I just wanted you to know that I liked you." And leave it at that. there is no need to explain any further. You don't need to ask if she feels the same way, that's not what's important. What's important is letting her know how you feel, don't take away from that powerful message by doing more or trying to over-justify yourself to her. Then just let it be. If she likes you... she'll let you know at some point. By either words or actions. If she doesn't, then it was never made into a big deal and won't put too much strain on your friendship or make things awkward. The most important thing though... don't act any different after you tell her. Keep being the same person you have been. The biggest mistake people make is they change who they are and it will make things awkward because the other person is no longer sure you were the wonderful person they originally met and got to know or this newer weirder version of you. Good luck! I wouldn't over do it. All I'd want to do is let her know, because for all I know she's totally oblivious about me having feelings for her.
That Emotion Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You know what, people are people. They don't leave relationships without some kind of catalyst. To go and explain your feelings is not something she'll move past easily, no matter how mature she is. Going for a kiss can be chalked up to a heat of a moment thing. Plus, and trust me with this, many many girls prefer the spontaniety of a kiss moment versus a letter or a frank talk. I can't think of a single relationship where a girl left a guy because some other guy TOLD the girl how he felt about her. I know of plenty that ended (and started) because of a kiss. This 'sending a bad message' stuff is one of those things that looks good on paper but doesn't apply in the real world if both parties have an interest. If she doesn't have an interest, it's better to find out this way. Go for a kiss first. Wait for a moment where her eyes glance down toward your lips, and the go.
Author kashmir Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 You know what, people are people. They don't leave relationships without some kind of catalyst. To go and explain your feelings is not something she'll move past easily, no matter how mature she is. Going for a kiss can be chalked up to a heat of a moment thing. Plus, and trust me with this, many many girls prefer the spontaniety of a kiss moment versus a letter or a frank talk. I can't think of a single relationship where a girl left a guy because some other guy TOLD the girl how he felt about her. I know of plenty that ended (and started) because of a kiss. This 'sending a bad message' stuff is one of those things that looks good on paper but doesn't apply in the real world if both parties have an interest. If she doesn't have an interest, it's better to find out this way. Go for a kiss first. Wait for a moment where her eyes glance down toward your lips, and the go. This can definitely happen. I remember one time we were hugging each other good bye and out cheeks accidentally rubbed and our lips got close. She giggled a bit and I looked back at her and smiled. Like you said, ideally it would be nice if I could talk to her and my words were enough for her to feel something herself, but I think an action is so much stronger.
RichGuy Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 I don't even know why I bother giving kashmir any more of my wisdom. It's like throwing pearls to pigs. But I guess I must be bored. Kashmir, it sounds to me like the only obstacle between you and her is the "boyfriend". Listen carefully to me now: SHE IS NOT MARRIED! Forget her boyfriend, ask her out as if she was unattached. Grow a freakin' pair of balls already, dude.... If I could, I'd reach across the screen and slap you across the face a couple of times. Stop making excuses and start taking risks!
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 While I don't really agree with RichGuy's "she's not married" philosophy this girl seems to be feeling you quite a bit. Make a move. But keep in mind that if she doesn't respect the relationship she's in now will she if you two share one?
Author kashmir Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 That Emotion - good point. Sometimes we need music to inspire us, and this is certainly the case. I'll make sure I listen to continuous loops of Jeff Buckley before seeing her again =p RichGuy - First of all, your cliches are amazing. Second of all, are you kidding? I see what direction you're going in, but you took it to an extreme. Yeah, sometimes the best thing for you is to just say **** it to the restrictions of a boyfriend or girlfriend and just go for what you want, but most of the time you'll be a complete ass if you don't show a bit of respect for existing relationships. One of the reasons I laid off this girl for a while was for the last 8 months her boyfriend was in Iraq. Yeah, he's a soldier. If there's one role I absolutely DO NOT want to play, it's the civilian who moves on a military man's girlfriend while he's off defending my freedom. Until I serve my own time (which I might in the future, considering I pass sanity tests), I'm definitely going to respect their relationship and not just forget her boyfriend. This is one reason why I'd rather just talk to her instead of something bold like kissing her. I was in a situation like this a few months ago, where the girl had a long distance boyfriend. We were hanging out for a while, and finally I just kissed her one night. We kissed for a while, but she was so distraught by the situation the next day that she didn't want to see me again. That could very well happen again, but that's not what's stopping me. This is a special case. If the boyfriend was any other college schmo, then I probably wouldn't give a **** about him. Because this guy actually spent 8 months overseas risking his life, I have a bit of a moral block.
bozwa Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 That Emotion - good point. Sometimes we need music to inspire us, and this is certainly the case. I'll make sure I listen to continuous loops of Jeff Buckley before seeing her again =p RichGuy - First of all, your cliches are amazing. Second of all, are you kidding? I see what direction you're going in, but you took it to an extreme. Yeah, sometimes the best thing for you is to just say **** it to the restrictions of a boyfriend or girlfriend and just go for what you want, but most of the time you'll be a complete ass if you don't show a bit of respect for existing relationships. One of the reasons I laid off this girl for a while was for the last 8 months her boyfriend was in Iraq. Yeah, he's a soldier. If there's one role I absolutely DO NOT want to play, it's the civilian who moves on a military man's girlfriend while he's off defending my freedom. Until I serve my own time (which I might in the future, considering I pass sanity tests), I'm definitely going to respect their relationship and not just forget her boyfriend. This is one reason why I'd rather just talk to her instead of something bold like kissing her. I was in a situation like this a few months ago, where the girl had a long distance boyfriend. We were hanging out for a while, and finally I just kissed her one night. We kissed for a while, but she was so distraught by the situation the next day that she didn't want to see me again. That could very well happen again, but that's not what's stopping me. This is a special case. If the boyfriend was any other college schmo, then I probably wouldn't give a **** about him. Because this guy actually spent 8 months overseas risking his life, I have a bit of a moral block. Kudos, Kashmir. By the sounds of it, you've enough wits about you to make the right decision.
BaD_Day Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm probably talking out of my ass here, but NEVER, and I mean never tell a girl you like her. At least not before you started dating her (advice I got from some dating books haha) 1) she has a BF? I think anything you do now is gonna cause some damage, not sure if you really want that, chances of her leaving her BF for you? I don't think it's very big, so this is not a wise choice. 2) even if she doesn't have a BF, don't ever do this move, it's really really bad, because once you say those words, it put you at the short end of the relationship, you care for her more than she does for you. Now there's nothing wrong with that, the only thing wrong is to for her to know that. People behaves in strange manners, they like it when they know other people care for them, but they also take it for granted. They'll behave much better if they have to prove their worth to you (same concept as guy courting girls, but in reverse). Now, if you really want to hit on this girl, then keep moving in, go do things with her, but stay clear of the friend zone... let her know you're interested but don't be there all the time when she needs you (that's a friend, not a BF). When she talks about her BF, just agree and make him the best thing in the world, any fault he has, make up excuses for him... this type of reverse compliment works really well, because it makes you the good guy, and once he screw up, it really screw him up haha... Don't quote me on this, I just enjoy reading books about dating because I find them interesting, but this is some of the stuff I keep seeing them repeating, so there must be something to it. But I'm against moving in on her... simply because what goes around comes around, you don't want this to happen to you right? so don't do it to someone else.
Author kashmir Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 She never talks about her boyfriend. This girl is very different. She's not very social. She's not in contact with many guys. She's not a partier. I'm saying this because I knew people would bring up the idea that if she leaves her boyfriend for me, then she'll do the same to me. With any other girl I'd agree and I would be cautious of that. This girl? No way. Honestly, I'm willing to wait. Not wait in the sense that I won't do anything else with myself, but rather I'll forget about dating her and look into others. Eventually she'll have to become available, and when that's the case, then I'll move in. Something tells me that I'm going to know this girl for a long time, and that I have all the time I need to develop something with her. It's just hard, because no other girl I've met is mature and intelligent like her. I'm led to believe that she's going to be the only one I'm compatible with for a while.
BCCA Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Kind of the same thing happened to me once before. I dont know if this is how it would turn out for you, but here is a quick rundown of what happened with me: I met a girl who was temping at my work. Normally, I dont date people from work at all, but she was only going to be there 1 month. So we got to talking, started seeing eachother 1-2 time a week. Once she wasnt in the same office, it was obviously much better. She lived with her bf, but it was apparently going nowhere and she was waiting for him to move out. She kissed me the first time, grabbed me and just laid it on me. So we got out for about a month and half total. We never sleep together, because we would always meet out, and I was trying to give her time and space to deal with her other situation. Eventually, she tries to essentially 'its not you its me' me, but I had a few drinks and wasnt going to take that as an answer, so I playfully kept asking for clarifications about what she meant, and it turns out that she basically never fully intended to leave this other guy, but had gotten pissed at him lately for being a pothead, and was basically using me to take her out places that her loser bf didnt. She would tell me how much easier things would be once we can finally be official, once he moved...then, I find out that he was never even supposed to move at all. Long story short, this girl IS happy with her bf, or he wouldnt be her bf. I know man, we all want to believe that they'll REALLY be happier with us, but if she was on board, believe me - that guy would have gotten his walking papers quicker than you can blink an eye. I would leave it alone and let actions speak louder than words. Dont worry about what she has to say about it, just see what she does and youll have your answers. Good luck bro, I know this is a dicey situation!
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