bluejeanbebe Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 sure, I gave up alot too; all the repercussions that come with being the OW. But he gave up alot too, with leaving the now ex-wife and kids and the life and home he knew, to start a life with me. In the beginning, it seemed oddly perfect, like we were meant to be together. Sure, we were spinning from all the illicit-ness of it all, but it went much deeper than that. And now, 2 years into it, it seems to be spiraling downward quickly. We are finding major points of conflict and communcation seems to a problem some of the time. He can be so negative a good bit of the time, and that really gets to me. I think we could really use some pre-MC, but he won't even consider it. All I want is a marriage and children of my own, and he won't even talk about it, understandably, seeing that he's just coming out of a lengthy marriage; but it's still upsetting, seeing that it's ~all all want out of life~! He says he just wants to be with me, and leave it at that, no more level of commitment beyond that, but he's not saying that he doesn't want to get married either, he's said, let me get there. All my friends are off having weddings and marriages and babies and so forth..... and my BF just wants to date indefinitly. All I ever hear is 'so are you engaged yet?? so are you engaged yet??'. If he could just look forward and say, yea, I could see a future with us, and us doing xyz together blahblahblah..... but he won't. Everytime I bring up the future he immediatly gets defensive and it ends up in a fight. It's like he thinks I'm demanding an immediate proposal and that we get married tommorrow, but I'm not. I'm would just like to know, if you forsee us getting married, uh, someday. But he won't say that- he refuses. All I want out of life is to be a good wife and take care of a husband, a home and children; and I feel so naive and stupid for staying with someone that won't even say he might see that for us in the future. I just feel obligated to him because he left his wife and life to be with me. So now I feel stuck. If anything, this should be a cautionary tale to the OW out there- even if you win, you might lose in the end. We all lose.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 And sometimes both parties win. I married my partner. And we are happy. He WANTED to marry me, as soon as we could. I don't feel obligated, I am committed. We are committed to each other and our families. This is your BF's deal. He does not want to marry. Just like there are tons of single men and divorced men who don't want to marry. If he is not giving you what you need, then leave the R. You don't owe him anything.
bentnotbroken Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You have own your part of your situation. What made you think he would do the right thing by you if he did the wrong thing with you? He proved his immaturity by him cheating on his W. And you were okay with that part of his personality as long as you were the object of his affection. Now you want more of him(just like his family did) and he can't give it to you(just like he couldn't give it to his family). So now the shininess is wearing off the new toy. Maybe if he didn't respect his wife enough to treat her with dignity, he isn't capable of treating the woman who helped him disrespect the wife. You allowed yourself to be used and now you want him to treat you with the respect you didn't demand by not being the ow. You thought your life would be different than the majority of affair partners, it wasn't. Maybe it is time you move on and figure out why you decided this path was right for you and work on finding a way to respect yourself more than you have in the past.
child_of_isis Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 He just left all of that. Maybe he left because he wanted something different. All I want out of life is to be a good wife and take care of a husband, a home and children;.
HappyAtLast Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 All I want out of life is to be a good wife and take care of a husband, a home and children I certainly hope that the above is not true and that is truly all that you want out of life. I would be frightened by that if I were your man. Most men are much more interested in women who want more out of life than that. That puts an awful lot of pressure on him, don't you think?
frannie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 OP this is exactly why people should leave marriages because their marriage is dead and they're ready to leave. Leaving 'for' anyone is a bad mistake... yeah sometimes it might work out. But you hit that first major bump and you get 'I left a marriage for THIS???' and I wouldn't really want to be on the receiving end of that. Having said that, your b/f left of his own free will (presumably?), and you've not said anything about him blaming you for that. In fact what you say is he's non-communicative, non-commital, and defensive. But he also refuses to go to counselling with you. So really, you have to put your foot down with him. You sound very resigned to what HE wants, and I don't think that's serving you well at this point.
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