How "past" is the past?

[Ayemtee]

I've been dwelling on this alot. Not because I'm unhappy with my SO's past but because I see people preaching alot about their partner's past being irrelevant to the current relationship which I whole heartedly agree with but to me that seems just like an ideal rather than reality. Alot of people have certain values by which they hold themselves and others to. So what's to happen when you learn of those values being crossed in your partner's past? What if it was to the extreme?

 

I see females more than anything preaching about leaving the past in the dust. Why is that? Are females more shameful of their past than males are? Is this due to cultural bias and sexism? One female poster in particular is an advent preacher of this practice - forgetting the past. But when asked in another thread recently "what if you had learned your husband slept with 2 hookers before he met you?" She answered that she'd leave him. This led me to the conclusion that leaving the past as the past is what most will preach but that's because its an ideal. Kinda like saying two wrongs don't make a right but if someone off'ed your mother and father or your daughter you'd probably slay them to hell and back no? Or at least want to? Both ideas are highly conditional. I'm interested in your thoughts. Put one in the chamber and fire away people.

[sally4sara]

Having a "racy" past is not the same thing as buying the use of someone's body. I have a hard time NOT judging someone who desires to purchase someone's body for their temporary use.

 

If women are more inclined to wish to leave the past in the past, then it is probably because we are more commonly judged over sexual acts and choices than men are. And more commonly shamed for our sexual desires than men. Men are more likely to judge us and not themselves because of societal standards about men and women and sex . Its not fair or useful. If you are concerned for health reason and decision making skills of potential partners, then question their choices made within the past year and go get tested together.

[norajane]

Since I'm the poster you're referring to, I'll reply directly.

 

Alot of people have certain values by which they hold themselves and others to. So what's to happen when you learn of those values being crossed in your partner's past? What if it was to the extreme?

 

If you learn of something your partner has done that is contrary to your values, you have the right to determine if that changes your view of them. If it does, then you also have the right to leave them.

 

What you do not have the right to do is to insist on staying with them, all the while making them feel ashamed and belittling them and insulting them and trying to get your partner to admit what they did was wrong and beg you to forgive them. If you start doing that, then your partner has every right to re-evaluate whether they want to stay with you. Your partner does not owe you a sexual history that you approve of.

 

I see females more than anything preaching about leaving the past in the dust. Why is that? Are females more shameful of their past than males are? Is this due to cultural bias and sexism?

Perhaps you see it more among women because more men are susceptible to retroactive jealousy, the Madonna/whore syndrome, etc.

 

However, I'll also add that I believe it is related to sexism. Women have historically been vilified for being sexually active - the words slut and whore don't have an equivalent in reference to men. Virgins have been prized, and sluts demonized, and vestiges of those archaic attitudes are still with us. Women have very often been made to feel ashamed of their sexual activities, for being "loose", for sleeping with "too many" men, for sleeping with men on the first date, for ONS's. While men have not had the burden of carrying any shame for whatever or whoever or how many sexual experiences they've had. In fact, men get hi-fived for it by the same men who do not want their women to have a "past" they do not approve of.

 

One female poster in particular is an advent preacher of this practice - forgetting the past. But when asked in another thread recently "what if you had learned your husband slept with 2 hookers before he met you?" She answered that she'd leave him. This led me to the conclusion that leaving the past as the past is what most will preach but that's because its an ideal. Kinda like saying two wrongs don't make a right but if someone off'ed your mother and father or your daughter you'd probably slay them to hell and back no? Or at least want to? Both ideas are highly conditional. I'm interested in your thoughts. Put one in the chamber and fire away people.

As I said above, if you discover something about your partner's past that causes you to re-evaluate whether they are right for you based on your values, beliefs, and perspectives on sexuality, you have every right to leave them.

 

However, repeatedly grilling your gf on the number of past lovers she's had, the size of their dicks and whether they were bigger than you, whether those past lovers were better in bed than you, and what kinky things she's done is just setting her up so you can hold your insecurities and her sexuality over her head. There is no GOOD and LOVING purpose to that line of questioning.

 

Men who are secure in their sexuality and what they have to offer a woman are not fixated on their lovers' pasts. They are focused on being good lovers and good partners to their women in the present.

 

I'll go one step further and say how frustrating this whole issue of sexuality is for women. On the one hand, men want their women to be sexual and open and free, so they don't end up in sexless, lifeless marriages. At the same time, some men cannot seem to accept that a sexually open woman will have had past sexual experience. So, really, they only want woment to be sexually open with them.

[Ayemtee]

Since I'm the poster you're referring to, I'll reply directly.

 

 

 

If you learn of something your partner has done that is contrary to your values, you have the right to determine if that changes your view of them. If it does, then you also have the right to leave them.

 

What you do not have the right to do is to insist on staying with them, all the while making them feel ashamed and belittling them and insulting them and trying to get your partner to admit what they did was wrong and beg you to forgive them. If you start doing that, then your partner has every right to re-evaluate whether they want to stay with you. Your partner does not owe you a sexual history that you approve of.

 

Perhaps you see it more among women because more men are susceptible to retroactive jealousy, the Madonna/whore syndrome, etc.

 

However, I'll also add that I believe it is related to sexism. Women have historically been vilified for being sexually active - the words slut and whore don't have an equivalent in reference to men. Virgins have been prized, and sluts demonized, and vestiges of those archaic attitudes are still with us. Women have very often been made to feel ashamed of their sexual activities, for being "loose", for sleeping with "too many" men, for sleeping with men on the first date, for ONS's. While men have not had the burden of carrying any shame for whatever or whoever or how many sexual experiences they've had. In fact, men get hi-fived for it by the same men who do not want their women to have a "past" they do not approve of.

 

As I said above, if you discover something about your partner's past that causes you to re-evaluate whether they are right for you based on your values, beliefs, and perspectives on sexuality, you have every right to leave them.

 

However, repeatedly grilling your gf on the number of past lovers she's had, the size of their dicks and whether they were bigger than you, whether those past lovers were better in bed than you, and what kinky things she's done is just setting her up so you can hold your insecurities and her sexuality over her head. There is no GOOD and LOVING purpose to that line of questioning.

 

Men who are secure in their sexuality and what they have to offer a woman are not fixated on their lovers' pasts. They are focused on being good lovers and good partners to their women in the present.

 

I'll go one step further and say how frustrating this whole issue of sexuality is for women. On the one hand, men want their women to be sexual and open and free, so they don't end up in sexless, lifeless marriages. At the same time, some men cannot seem to accept that a sexually open woman will have had past sexual experience. So, really, they only want woment to be sexually open with them.

 

That was a good post. While I do not condone grilling your partner for their past that you do not approve of, I was under the impression that you'd be in the wrong for leaving someone because their past has changed the way you look at them. At least that's what most of this board seems to portray through their responses on these kinds of subjects.

[You'reasian]

One female poster in particular is an advent preacher of this practice - forgetting the past. But when asked in another thread recently "what if you had learned your husband slept with 2 hookers before he met you?" She answered that she'd leave him. This led me to the conclusion that leaving the past as the past is what most will preach but that's because its an ideal. Kinda like saying two wrongs don't make a right but if someone off'ed your mother and father or your daughter you'd probably slay them to hell and back no? Or at least want to? Both ideas are highly conditional. I'm interested in your thoughts. Put one in the chamber and fire away people.

 

And there goes the whole unconditional love argument down the drain.

 

As your example shows above, love is never unconditional, although it can come close. We all have our pasts and I think each individual has their own set of preferences of what they are willing to accept in their partner's past.

 

I'm sure there are some men if whom polled about letting the past go would agree, then finding out there woman used to be an escort would probably flip a lid - but does that mean he really, truly loved her for who she is?

 

What determines what we're willing to accept?

 

Time: How long ago did the deed take place? 2 weeks before you met? 2 months? 2 years? etc. The longer the time difference the easier to understand.

 

Circumstances: What was happening around the time that this was happening? Any significant events causing them to be more willing to do the deed?

 

Severity: Each of us has a tolerance of what we're wiling to accept and not accept. Period.

 

Life Experience: The more life experience or experience we have in general could diminish the severity of things we would or would not put up with.

 

 

So here's the basic formula (yes, I'm a nerd don't laugh)

 

Acceptance = - (Severity)/(Time X Experience X Circumstance)

 

For more conservative individuals.....

 

-(Severity)^2/(T X E X C)...less tolerant of others risky business.

 

For those who'm are 40 year old virgins.....

 

- (Severity)^ (1/2) / (T X E X C)...note the imaginary (square root of the negative) variable in the numerator

 

For those who are party animals.....

 

X X + (;)X:love:).....its all good BABY!!!!

[Ayemtee]

Do you think that past behavior portrays their present character? Or have at least some kind of influence?

[EYECANDY000]

When I meet someone I think someone's past has a lot to do with the present. Do I ask questions about someones's past? Yes! And if they tell me the past is the past and they wish to not bring it up, then I feel very weary of them and can't trust them. So someones past is very important to me. It gives background to someones actions, and characteristic.

[Ayemtee]

When I meet someone I think someone's past has a lot to do with the present. Do I ask questions about someones's past? Yes! And if they tell me the past is the past and they wish to not bring it up, then I feel very weary of them and can't trust them. So someones past is very important to me. It gives background to someones actions, and characteristic.

 

Interesting. You feel as if that person is withholding information they are certain will drive you away? Or that they are shameful of their past?

[BubblyPopcorn]

My tendency has been that I try to give everyone I first meet a clean slate. It's really a case-by-case basis and I can learn to overlook certain things if there are other things in place that make up for it and/or balance it out. Granted, there is a fine line for me with other things such as their past/present treatment towards others, towards ex's, if they have a history of lying, have a negative view/outlook on love or towards the opposite gender; general red flaggers that will eventually surface one way or another.