trying to stay grounded today...and patience!!!

[mytruelove]

hi all, by now you've probably figured out that i have good days and bad days and i'm having a time getting through this one, so thought i'd come here.

 

i think the holidays are getting to me. as you know, i didn't really get to spend time with SM Christmas because he had his kids and we agreed that we needed a little a little time away. which seems to have done good things, but....

 

i'm just really more irritated and frustrated right now today more than anything. it's not just him that is bothering me but some other stuff in my life also. i'm just fed up and kinda angry at the world. i don't want to feel this way and i definitely don't want to take it out on him or have it affect our relationship/friendship whatever it is at this moment.

 

new's eve is tomorrow. he will most likely have the kids. i still have a Christmas present waiting him and would love nothing more than to get some time with him before tomorrow. i talked to him this morning and told him to call me if he wanted to hang out tonight. he didn't really seem opposed to the idea, but had to get off the phone because he was at work. i want to call him at the end of the day to see if he wants to. i don't know if i should though because i already told him to call me if he wanted.

 

i've suggested that we could hang out at his place, no big deal, see how that works. i'm moving it in this direction because as you know before we could not do that as he had a live in ex girlfriend. i know if the two of us could just relax it would be great.

 

i don't want to push. i really want nothing more than just to be able to spend some real quality time with him as it it hard to come by.

 

i don't want to beg and i understand that he wants time alone, but i also don't want to just let the holiday go by without having a little bit of time with him and properly wishing him a happy New Year.

 

i don't know if he is ready to have me come hang out at his house, but he sounded like he might be close to it.

 

i get frustrated and impatient because of the dynamics of us starting out as an "affair" it has most times (not all) been me that always calls or initiates contact- which can truly get exhausting and frustrating as can be, but i don't want to lose our connection. i have really pulled back on this since it was getting too much and if it weren't for the holiday i might just be able to let it go.

 

any suggestions on how to start to turn this around?

 

any advice?

[CAMAYPARK]

MTL, just take it easy. I understand how you feel and the holidays are never an easy time. It will adjust itself slowly, just got to be patience. (((hugs))))))

[mytruelove]

CAM - just keep breathing right and try to relax with it. i really do feel it will work itself out in time. i have all the hope and faith in the world.

 

i really don't have any reason to think otherwise. i just feel kinda lost without a compass on what's okay, what's not, etc.

 

i just know i'll end up calling him at the end of the day today to ask again if he wants to see me. i'll probably do what i've always done and take the straight forward approach and tell him how i feel and if he says no just try and let it go, but...

 

i really really don't want to mess up again or call too much as it was an issue.

[Myusername]

AWWW MTL

I feel your pain, so much. I can say that I totally understand where you are. Caught between wanting some time and attention after waiting so long, and caught between not wanting to push him and give him space.

 

Breathe, and try to think of something else just for a while. I would also pay attention to some things you wrote, as they really hit me for my own situation.

 

YOU ALMOST always initiate contact and it's like YOU are the one wanting to see him, and then he is agreeable to that. If he really wants to see you, he will make the time. I have to believe that.

 

Sure he is hurting and needs time/space, but he also has to know that you have SOME expectations here and some needs of your own. I had to tell my SM who I probably wont ever see again, that even tho he was going through the worst time in his life emotionally, it was hard on me to, and I had to look out for me and my needs. I was very loving but said that I could not sit and take back seat and fifth or twelfth priority all the time.

 

That I was always last priority to a degree and had to always do it his way or no way, cause he was married...not me. Not that your man in separated it cant be ALL about him, it just cant

 

I would not push him but I also would not let him come and go as he pleases. Go and find something else to do, and do it. Make sure your life is full without him. I know it hurts and it is hard, but if you have to constantly tip toe around his needs all the time then you are never really meeting your own.

 

I am not saying to made demands, but rather to find something else of importance to take up some time and energy and he will come around if it is meant to be.

 

I could use the advice myself. Perhaps we thikn if we leave them alone once they are separated, they will forget about us all together and we need to remind them we are here, or perhaps we think if we give them space they will find someone else fast to get over the hurt. WHo knows.

 

I feel your pain and confusion and I am not sure what I do either...just make sure you dont always get second or third best..at times you need to meet your needs, not always but it should be part of the time, you get to ask for what you need.

 

Hugs my friend, and God bless

MUN

[mytruelove]

thanks mun.... i was beginning to wonder if there was anyone out there today.

 

thanks for reminding me of some things i needed to hear.

 

i think i will just call him later and see what he says. i'll just be open about what i want and how i feel.

 

i've kinda tired myself out today already, so if he doesn't respond i think i can just go home and crash.

 

i should not be so scared about telling someone how i feel, especially him.

 

it's just such a fine fine line. yanno... i don't want it to be complicated or serious at all.

 

i'm superstitious and i believe that the people you spend your new years with are the people that are with you the rest of the year and he is someone that i want with me this year, friend or otherwise.

 

he's that important to me.

[That Emotion]

What's the longest you've gone with NC? I'd be curious to see what happens if you stop initiating the contact and left up solely up to him each time, for a little while anyway.

 

As for getting through today day, and the other hard days, boy, don't we all know that sickening feeling. Trying to keep my mind occupied on something else is the only thing I've found that provides a modicum of relief. Beyond that, just try hold fast from moment to moment. It ain't easy. Hang tough.

[whichwayisup]

Have you been around his kids? I mean if he has his kids on NYE then the chances of you two spending the evening together isn't likely..

 

If I were in your shoes, I would go ahead and make tentive plans with other friends, and let him call you. He's asked for space during the holidays, so respect that.. If you can do that, then he'll come looking for you because HE wants to, not because he is forced to.

[mytruelove]

emotion - the longest we've went with NC was 30 days. it was at a time when i had decided to give my marriage one last try. i had put my wedding ring back on (this was even before we had anything physical) and SM saw it and the look in his face just killed me. i hurt him bad. he didn't have to say a word- just walked away, looked me straight in the eyes and said " i need one month away from you. "

 

that very day i went home ripped off the wedding ring and NEVER looked back. i then proceeded to apologize protusely to SM and vowed to never hurt him like that again -then respected his 30 days. it was the hardest 30 days of my life, but it was also the very time when i made a commitment to him and knew exactly where my heart really was.

 

we got together after 30 days and he forgave me and we moved forward.

[mytruelove]

yeah, that's why i would like to get together with him tonight, because i know he should have the kids tomorrow. i never ever interfere with that. they always come first.

[jj33]

MTL - you need to do this your way BUT

 

he knows how you feel - you tell him all the time. You know how he feels you just dont want to hear it.

 

He doesnt want a relationship right now. He is telling you that with words and with actions.

 

When we keep things going we dont give the other person a chance to show us their truth. He has tried again and again. And you wont listen.

 

There is a reason he hasnt made plans - its not what he wants right now.

 

its painful to think that you are both finally single and perhaps you wont be together but big question - who is pursuing who?

 

You are pursuing him. And that is NOT good. You are frustrated. He is feeling hemmed in. Noone is getting what they want.

 

You cant make someone ready for what you want just because its what you want and believe its in their best interest (believe me I have tried more times than I like to admit to myself)

 

If you keep telling him you are going to push him away irrevocably.

 

SO rather than telling him AGAIN (wasnt that last weeks thing?)

 

You need to back away. Let him have his space. When you want to contact him POST. And post some more and more and more.

 

And if he tries to hang out at the last minute and take you for granted be busy (even if you are simply cleaning the bathroom).

 

Start acting like someone who matters and show him that you wont take the treatment he is dishing out. You cant TELL someone to treat you a certain way if they dont do it after you have raised the issue all you can do is not respond to anything other than the treatment you want and deserve.

 

I am sorry to be harsh but you are leading yourself down a bad path that is only going to lead to more drama with him. And eventually he wont want the drama. Hes made himself clear. Yes he wants you in his life but right now he isnt ready for the type of relationship you want.

 

Take good care its a new year be good to yourself

[Myusername]

MTL

(((HUGS)))

What is the result? Are you going to see him tonight? I so feel for you and feel in similar boats, wandering on this uneasy ocean of waves and tides.

Just wanted to say I was thinking about you

MUN

[mytruelove]

jj33 - thanks for the continued reality check i need it. great advice that usually i can follow. funny, i don't seem to have a problem following it with anyone else. he is my weakness. i'm vulnerable with him, but i'm making progress i hope.

 

mun, i'm not seeing him tonight. i called, did my part, but he hasn't called back, so i'm home just relaxing and going to bed early. truth is, i've just about given as much as i can.

 

after the holidays i think it will be easier. like i said, i'm a sucker for holidays and am very sentimental. doesn't help that i am superstitious and believe that who you spend new years with is who you spend the rest of the year with-lol.

 

anyway, i know myself and my worth, soo i have to focus on that and just continue being real and true. i've got great family and friends and a support system to rely on, soo...i'll rely on them to get through this time and not try to put to much pressure on SM. like i said it's not just him, i'm going through some other stuff and the reality of that is hitting me also and i don't want to put any of that on him -that's not fair to him.

 

i just got to believe that this is going to be a great year in which all my dreams will come true if i just keep praying and having faith.

 

i'm not one to give up, soo...

[jj33]

Its always difficult when people we love arent on the same page with us.

 

Maybe if you change your vision it doesnt have to be THIS guy you think its him but maybe its another great guy who is out there and its just hard to see now because you have invested so much in this man.

 

But dont let your persistence get the better of you. Your persistence can do wonderful things for you but dont waste it on someone who isnt responding.

 

You will get all the wonderful things you want in your life but you may need to open your vision as to who it is that you will share them with.

[mytruelove]

hey jj33, i'm open to meeting other guys and dating them. i think i'm smart enough to give them a chance. i might not be at the point where i'm ready to do that right now, but i will, if only to keep my own sanity while being in any kind of relationship with SM.

 

i've made plenty of mistakes in the past and i don't want to make them again. so, i don't want to commit to any one guy for a while or have anything serious with anyone else.

 

yea, i'm open to dating other guys and am not closing myself off to them, but i don't see me having a connection or feelings for them like i do SM. remember, i already made the mistake of marrying someone else knowing how i felt about SM? don't want to make that mistake again and i don't see me being able to commit to anyone else.

 

bottom line though...i don't want someone that doesn't want me. i know that, PERIOD.

 

the other problem i have dating other guys is that i know SM has serious trust issues and gets jealous. i really think me dating anyone else would upset him and i don't want that. if i do, i can see SM shutting me out completely and being angry with me. i don't play games. i'm loyal and faithful to a fault to someone that i love.

 

i don't know that it would be fair to some other guy when my heart belongs to someone else?

[LavendarGirl]

MTL, sorrry I have neglected you today, just when you needed support, too! I've had some drama on my own (will require catching up, still sorting out and processing my thoughts here). BUT...I'm sending you hugs and atta girls...and all the other things to let you know I'm rooting for you.

 

I really need to read your old posts to get a complete history of you and your sMM, 'cause the established faces around here seem to know stuff I'm not catching on to regarding your situation! So pardon me for being clueless.

 

But hang in there, and hugs, and other positive affirmations...

 

--LG.

[norajane]

the other problem i have dating other guys is that i know SM has serious trust issues and gets jealous. i really think me dating anyone else would upset him and i don't want that. if i do, i can see SM shutting me out completely and being angry with me. i don't play games. i'm loyal and faithful to a fault to someone that i love.

Wow, you really walk on a lot of eggshells for this guy.

 

He needs time away, so you hole up in your house and go to bed early because you've exhausted yourself with anxiety and worry and wondering if he'll want to see you tonight, or when he might return your call or not. Which, of course, he did not call later to let you know if you could hang out at his place, nor has he returned your second call of the day

 

You can't hang out at his house because he's not "ready", you don't want to come across as begging or pushing, you don't want to "mess up again" or "call too much". You're scared to tell him how you feel, you don't want it to be too complicated for him, or to come across as too serious.

 

You tell yourself that you're sentimental, and THAT's why you want to at least spend one single minute with him over Christmas or NY...knowing all the while that people who love each other DO spend the holidays together. It's not being sentimental - it's what EVERYONE does who has people they love in their life!

 

You're afraid of putting too much pressure on him. You're afraid of asking for anything for fear he might see it as too demanding.

 

What, exactly, does he do for you?

 

I don't know your history - just what you wrote in this thread. But WHAT, on this earth, does he EVER do for you to show you that you are an itty bitty bit special to him at all? Whatever it is, I don't think it's enough, and I think you deserve a hell of a lot more.

[mytruelove]

lav, thanks for the support. your probably missing the parts where he has acted inappropriately -lol. thanks for the laugh i needed today.

 

nora, i soo needed to hear what you had to say today. really. thank you! i agree with you and really needed that reminder. i agree with everything you said except for me being scared to tell him how i feel. i do, it just takes me getting up the courage. i did that today. i put it out there and feel better after doing that.

 

i was going to see him this morning, but things got crazy at work. i talked to him on the phone wishing him a happy new year and i wrote him a email telling him that i was disappointed we didn't get to see each other and how i feel that the people you have around you at new years are the people that are going to be with you the rest of the year. i told him that he meant alot to me and he is someone that i want around in the new year. that simple.

 

tonight, i'm invited to friends, but i really just feel like being alone, lighting a candle, and reflecting on the year.

[jj33]

MTL - GO OUT. You spend a lot of time reflecting (we all do that is what the boards are about)

 

Dont stay home and light candles and obsess about this guy. Spend the night throwing yourself (whether you want to or not) into socialising with real live people who are able to share the holiday with you and appreciate your company.

 

there will be plenty of time to obsess about him when you get home or tomorrow or some other time. Time spent away from the phone, with others where you cant focus on him are the best medicine for you right now.

 

All the best for a happy new year

[whichwayisup]

tonight, i'm invited to friends, but i really just feel like being alone, lighting a candle, and reflecting on the year.

 

Yes, I agree. Go out tonight! DO NOT SPEND tonight alone..Even if you aren't in the mood, go anywhere. You need to have some fun, laugh and be silly with your friends! Don't let HIM ruin New Years Eve for you! Especially since you're supertitious, BE with friends that you know ARE going to be in your life forever!

[mytruelove]

thanks - new's years eve day i was literally hanging by a thread. my emotions and moods are all over the place, but i recognize this and try to deal with it the best that i can. you all helped me get through it -thanks so much!!!

 

i did spend new years with my family and friends. that was good. new years day it was like my body had enough. i pretty much laid around in jammie's and watched a bunch of good movies on tv (except to go over to my parents to eat dinner).

 

and i now have a whole new perspective on this year. i decided to just wipe the slate clean. plain and simple. last year was last year and this is a whole new year. i'm willing to just let go of the bad and simply hold on to the good from last year. in the words of SM...it's forgotten. fresh start here and i know for a fact that this will be the year that things will finally be better for me one way or another. no more la la limbo land for me in my life!!!

 

i've decided to go back to square one with SM and start over. i'm reminded that we do much better when things don't get too serious. yes, we have much needed serious conversations. but, i do much better when i treat the "moments" with him as just that "moments". hopefully we can build on that.

 

if i start getting too crazy with things, just remind me of the above okay THANKS!!!

[jj33]

That sounds like a good plan.

 

However....

 

How old are you if I may ask? Because if you are more than 25 then you need to take a deep breath and rethink this.

 

"Moments" are OK when you are just going with the flow and OK being FWB.

 

But if you arent, then settling for moments is setting yourself up for tears.

 

Perhaps what you need to tell yourself is new year, good things in store for you.

 

If those good things are with this guy, that is great. If this guy doesnt see the good things the same way you do, wish him well wish him love and happiness and peace but with the knowledge that you two arent on the same path for now.

 

Stepping back and accepting less than what you want for yourself because the guy does not want that with you right now is NOT going with the flow.

 

It is using new age rubbish to convince yourself to put your needs second. Dont do that to yourself. Its a new year. New chance to be good to yourself.

 

If you love yourself and put yourself first the universe will feel that and send you people who will respond in kind.

 

Happy new year

[torranceshipman]

Mytrue love, sounds like you've gone for 'settle for so little I don't get upset, I won't ask questions, inconvenience the guy in any way, or rock the boat, and just feel grateful for the little moments he deigns to give me'. That's not progress-that's even worse than where you are now!!!!

 

Why not REALLY start 2009 the right way and say adieu to the guy. He clearly can't give you a R, he continually lets you down and sorry to say this, but he just isnt so into you, and you are now becoming a doormat to keep this R hanging on by a thread.

 

I dont mean this in a glib way but you REALLY are worth so much more than this!!! Get out there, be fabulous, stop tying all your validation to what this schmuck thinks of you because he isnt worth it, and get out there and have some fun with your friends!

[jj33]

MTL - one thing people often dont realize is that men dont love you more because you go along with accepting less.

 

Men who love you want to be good to you, they want to respect you and treat you well because that is love.

 

Men who want you to accept less are not men who love you. They are men who enjoy your company and may be fond of you but its not the same thing.

 

You NEVER EVER EVER win by being the "get along" "make no waves" person who is a yes girl and puts her needs second.

 

So dont fool yourself into thinking that if you just stop asking questions and stop this and stop that, it will all be OK.

 

The key is if you HAVE to keep asking so many questions, you are not on the same page.

 

So unless and until HE COMES TO YOU and treats you the way you want him to treat you, there ARE NO LONG DISCUSSIONS.

 

There is NOTHING until he gets with the program.

 

Its not for me to tell you but I would suggest a good resolution for 2009 is

 

"I expect people to treat me with love and respect.

 

I spend my time with people who love and respect me. "

 

You dont teach people how to respect you with words you teach men with your actions -- like NOT pursuing him, NOT being available to hang out at the last minute, and NOT being available to fool around when he is in the mood.

 

He knows how to treat a woman properly until he is treating you that way you owe it to yourself to be too busy (even if you are washing your hair or watching a movie on TV) to see him.

[whichwayisup]

You're settling. And you're also setting yourself up for a huge fall because wiping the slate clean in this case isn't going to work because HE isn't going to change his behaviour unless you DEMAND that from him and do something about it. Going on like nothing happened, omitting all the bad stuff isn't going to keep your relationship alive. All it will do is allow him to continue to take advantage and call the shots.

 

Really listen to what we're all saying here.

[LovieDove24]

You thanked Nora for her wonderful words but you never answered her question...What the hell has this guy done FOR YOU lately? (Now I've got that darn Janet Jackson song in my head )

 

There is nothing more painful in this world than unrequited love. And from what you say it may not have always been this way between you two. But now, present day, January 2009, it does not seem as if he loves you. I know how extremely gut wrenching this is and you feel like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of someones shoe. "How can I love someone and not get the same in return?" I know it hurts. I know if you could you would do anything to try and fix things. One of these days you are gonna get so fed up and tired of trying you will begin to be able to let go.

 

All of us on here can feel your pain. We've all been there before. It hurts. We just want you to begin the healing phase and move out of the "my-stomachs-always-in-knots" phase. HUGS!!!!