KikiW Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Ok here is a little background about me... I am currently separated from my husband of 13 years and we have an 8 year old daughter together. We are VERY amicable - the short story is that we ignored the signs for a long time that we were not growing together, it was very stagnant and we couldn't find the level of intimacy we needed as a couple so we are letting each other go to find happiness elsewhere. We are still living in our house together, but in separate rooms, and our daily routines are pretty much the same as before. I belong to an online gaming community and over the past year got very close to someone. He is funny, very intelligent, confident, goal-oriented, has most of the same tastes as me (and what we differ on is not earth-shattering, and is quite frankly refreshing), and he's scarily in-tune with how I think and process things. He was in a similar situation as me, married for 12 years with an 11 year old daughter, but he and his wife led very separate lives and there was no real love left (this after several years of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, and a few attempts to discuss his unhappiness with her). He made the decision to officially separate several months ago and has been living back home with his mother. After both of our separations, we decided to meet in person. I am from the northeast, and he is from the south (oh the jokes just write themselves!). I was thrilled to find that we had as much chemistry in person as we did online! We have spent two extended weekends together, and spend hours talking every night (we have been talking every night since the beginning of the summer). My next trip is scheduled in about a month and a half. We are nuts for each other, and have discussed future plans. I have stated that I cannot leave the northeast, because of my young daughter as well as a new business and business partner. Though he has lived in his town all his life, he is willing to come to me (of course with the understanding that he will be traveling back for visits, and flying his daughter up for visits as well). There have been several challenges... for one, the mother of his daughter. Despite his firm insistance that he is not returning home, she continues to text him, call him, show up to his mother's house unannounced and tries to push his buttons. I try my best to be supportive and give him general advice (like recording her actions and responses in a journal to give to his attorney), but I wish I could do more. Another challenge has been the difficulty in remaining intimate... I'm sure LDRs must accept a certain lack of intimacy, or make up for it with phone sex or whatnot, but it's hard to maintain the excitement when I'm dying to feel the warmth of his skin. And then there is the challenge of my friends and family. I get the distinct impression that very few of them think this is going to go very far, let alone work out in the end. While I understand some of the hesitancy, it can feel a bit overwhelming and brings me down. There is also a newer challenge we faced just the other day. I believe that because we do not have as much "together" time, where we see a lot of little mannerisms or tones of voice that we let roll off our backs, it seems that all those little things become magnified online. It is "that time of the month" for me, and it was about 1am when he asked a question and I apparently didn't answer it with enough enthusiasm to quell his concern. I got extremely irritated, and rather than argue into the wee hours, went to bed. We talked in the morning and worked things out (new rule: don't make judgments about my tone of voice after midnight while I have my period! LOL), but I was sad that it had gotten that far. I suppose this kind of thing is to be expected every now and then though. Has anyone been in a similar situation as me? In an LDR dealing with divorces, children, etc? Are there any suggestions anyone has for maintaining the intimacy, learning more about each other, even online activities you can do with your partner (like are there any "virtual" museums or vacation destinations you can spend and hour or two exploring together? fun things like that?) I appreciate anyone reading and responding.
You'reasian Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Never been married, so I've been fortunate enough to have never dealt with divorce. As far as LDR is concerned, communication keeps the relationship alive. If unable to communicate via phone or email - old-fashioned hand written letters could be an excellent way of keeping it going. And if done with some planning, could be very charming and romantic If you are unable to keep contact through electronic means, spend some down time thinking about creative ideas of expressing your care for each other. The two of you need to talk regularly and with enough frequency to stay in the back of each other's minds. Granted, you have your own responsibilities to handle in your dat to day its still nice to have something of a spark when you're able to think about each other while alone. Communication needs to be straight to the point in a LDR. Go straight for the jugular but tactfully when dicussing anything since your working with limited coms time. Some things you might want to touch on: reassurance (not in excess), passion, humor (whether mundane or knee slapping) and just willingness to listen. End each conversation on a positive note. You want to remember the last thing that the two of you spoke of was uplifting, pleasant and true to each other. The phone sex thing is a great idea. What a better way to keep up your intimate side.
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