Issues With Lesbian Ex-Girlfriend

[NYY5]

Not sure if this is the right forum, but here goes:

 

Just for the record, I am a man.

 

Back in the first week of December, my ex girlfriend and I (she came out as a lesbian earlier this year) were talking thru text messages, and after saying a few things back and forth, she said to me, "I do hope to find a partner someday, and I hope it won't be painful for you."

 

So I said, "Well, it WILL be painful, but I can accept that, and I hope things can be the way they are now."

 

And that was it. For a few days, I heard nothing back from her, so I got worried. Finally, I texted her back, asking if I had upset her somehow. She said, "It didn't exactly put a smile on my face, but did you think it would?"

 

I am still not sure what she meant by that.

 

So then we started hanging out less often. She was sick, the weather was bad, I was sick, I didn't think too much of it, but now almost a month has gone by where we haven't spoken much or hung out at all.

 

So I texted her yesterday morning, saying that I've been worried, asking her if we are still friends, etc, etc.

 

She finally got back to me last night, saying she's sorry, and that she knows she's been making me worry the past couple weeks.

 

She then said, "I've been trying to do what I feel will cause the least upheaval for both of us." She said she can't talk about it right now, but needs to talk to me sometime this week. (Which I thought was unfair to say)

 

So all night last night, I barely slept at all, up worrying, anticipating some disaster she's about to drop on me. I'm VERY paranoid that she could have a boyfriend.

 

I should add that last night after she said that, I texted her back, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" And I got no response.

 

After a little while, I texted again, "Well I guess I got my answer, right?" And I still got no texts back the rest of the night.

 

She has never been the biggest text messenger in the world, but she could've at least told me "yes" or "no." Because she didn't answer me, I have been assuming that the answer is "Yes, I do have a boyfriend."

 

Thinking back over the past few months, she has explained to me how she always knew she was different.

 

She actually went as far as apologizing to me for being "defective" because we both knew what things would be like between us if she was straight.

 

I told her that she is NOT "defective" because she is a lesbian.

 

She cried to me, and said that things between us would be perfect if she was straight. She told me that it took her entire life to get to this point, to come out as gay. She said it was not a new development, and she always tried to change it, but she said she's passes that now.

 

She said she actually tried to change being gay JUST FOR ME, so we could be together, but trying to change that didn't work.

 

She jokingly told me, "You're the perfect man, too bad you're not the perfect woman!" She said she can't love a man romantically, and that she just isn't "wired" that way.

 

She kept calling me her soul mate, despite the fact that we are not a romantic couple anymore.

 

Also in early December, she was telling me how she finally realized she is "unequivocally gay" and that she had to say good-bye to her childhood dream of being married to a man someday with a "normal" life (family, kids, etc.)

 

So now I'm all paranoid that after ALL THAT, that she is with a man again. I mean, what else could cause this "upheaval" she is talking about? I don't understand.

 

Am I being ridiculous to assume it's a man? Could it be that she has a girlfriend and feels like it will hurt me to find out?

 

Or is she back to being into guys again, after all that? I have no idea! I wish she would just tell me, but she "can't talk about it now," which is unfair.

[Geishawhelk]

Leave her alone.

Go NC, because you'd stop putting her on the spot, and you'd stop torturing yourself.

There's nothing "unfair" in what she's doing.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

And why should she?

If she's an EX- then it's none of your business any more anyway.

 

Go NC and leave it all behind.

[NYY5]

Because we've been friends for 10 years. We were friends first, and we have always shared a special connection to each other.

 

Our most recent break up was January of 2007, she contacted me in late August this year, practically begging me to be friends with her, and it was then that she told me she is gay.

 

So for the past few months, we have been friends again, and have been hanging out and talking and everything and it was good, like old times, except she's a lesbian now, which I told her I can accept, and I still hope we can be in each other's lives, and not long ago, she said the same.

 

I disagree though, I do think it is unfair to text someone, tell them you need to talk to them soon about some "upheaval" and then say "but I can't talk about it now."

 

That leaves me worried and in a constant state of anticipation and suspense, like I have to wait until she is ready to lay it on me, whatever this disaster is that she is planning to drop on me.

 

We were close friends, and I thought we still were. I don't know what happened. I guess I'll find out

[Geishawhelk]

Well that's all very well, but I'd stop being so angst-ridden, anxious and worried.

She'll tell you when she's ready, and frankly, her personal life is all very well for you to know about, if she wants to share, but it is after all, exactly that.

HER personal life.

 

The fact you care so much, if I may say so, is your problem.

 

You sound as if you still have strong feelings for her, and unless you can work through them, get over it, and treat her on neutral terms, then you'll always be this anxious, and on tenterhooks.

You need to go NC if only for your healing, peace of mind and sanity.

 

It might sound cruel to her, but that's just tough.

She'll never have the best of you as a friend, if you can't move on.

[NYY5]

So the last thing she said last night was to let her know when I'm free to talk this week. So this afternoon, I texted her and said she can talk to me about anything whenever she wants.

 

So now it's up to her I guess. She'll tell me whatever she wants to tell me whenever she wants to tell it. I just hope I don't have to wait and ruminate and make myself sick over it, which is what I've been doing since last night.

 

I told a few people at work who I am close to about it. They didn't think that she has a boyfriend either. They think that I'm just obsessing over what I see as the worst case scenario. I guess it's my obsession. I keep thinking, "What else could it be? She must be straight again, and has a boyfriend," but I'm not sure what is making me think that.

 

I am still very nervous and antsy, not knowing what to expect when she calls. It is very draining to constantly expect the worst. I'm having a lot of anticipatory anxiety about her calling and what she plans on telling me. I wish I could calm down and get this over with.

[Goldstar]

I don't think she has a boyfriend. She just came out as a lesbian right? The "partner" she was hoping to find was a woman. She wants you to accept that part of her. It's not a guy.

 

You have to let this one go, you need distance from her to lessen your anxiety about her talking to you or not. Just give it a little time.

[NYY5]

Yeah, she came out as a lesbian recently, as far as I know, it was early this year. She even met a girl from match.com, but they ended up being just friends instead of girlfriends.

 

But yeah, she told me it took 28 years for her to get to this point, she always knew, she had to say good-bye to her dream of being married, she tried to change being gay but couldn't, etc, etc.

 

I guess me imagining another guy involved is maybe either a habit of my thinking, or just me imagining what I see as the worst case scenario, or maybe it's both.

 

But yeah, she did start to keep her distance ever since I told her that finding a partner would be painful for me. Some people I've talked to seem to think that maybe she did find a partner and is afraid I'll be hurt when she tells me that.

[Geishawhelk]

I also think it may be worth you talking to a counsellor or therapist, because this level of anxiety is neither healthy for you, nor commonplace.....

[Goldstar]

Ok so it's obvious you care about her a lot. You need to be incredibly supportive to her right now as she comes to terms with being gay.

 

If she does tell you she has met someone, you need to be very happy for her and sincerely happy. That is the best thing you can do for her.

 

If you cannot be sincerely happy for her, then you need to act happy then go no contact till you see her as a friend only.

 

You cannot remain friends with "more than friends" feelings. It's not fair to you and it is brutal on your heart.

[NYY5]

I would be happy for her if she had a girlfriend. I would not have to fake it. But at the same time, I already told her a few weeks ago that it would be painful for me. But I did add that I can accept that.

 

Maybe she feels like things shouldn't go on that way. I really don't know. I guess time will tell.

 

Am I a jealous, paranoid ******* for texting her, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

 

Did I jump the gun there? She still has not gotten back to me about any of this. I feel like **** about it, and I'm not even sure what it happening.

[Geishawhelk]

I would be happy for her if she had a girlfriend. I would not have to fake it. But at the same time, I already told her a few weeks ago that it would be painful for me. But I did add that I can accept that.

 

 

- This -

 

Am I a jealous, paranoid ******* for texting her, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

 

Quite plainly contradicts this.

 

Did I jump the gun there? She still has not gotten back to me about any of this. I feel like **** about it, and I'm not even sure what it happening.

 

Did you read or pay any attention to my suggestion you possibly seek therapy or counselling for your excessive anxiety?

[NYY5]

I can handle people here thinking I'm a jealous, paranoid ******* to this girl if that is what you really think. I wouldn't be offended or angry if anyone here thought that. Maybe you'd be right.

 

Yes, I have been in therapy. Almost my entire life, I have had severe anxiety issues, to the point of phobias, avoidance and OCD. So I can be very suspicious, paranoid, etc, etc.

 

I'm always ruminating and obsessing about the worst case scenario, which in this case (for me) would be her ending up with a man after all the things she told me and explained to me about being gay, and about how we'd be married if she was straight.

[Geishawhelk]

Why are you blocking Therapy from working?

I don't mean that unkindly, really I don't. But if, as you say, you've been in therapy almost all your life, and you still have a lot of issues - what is not working for you?

 

That's a lot of stuff to contend with.

 

If she knew about this, has it occurred to you that she might not be communicating with you because she knows it would cause you upset?

Maybe she's trying to protect your feelings, because she knows what it would do to you - but doesn't realise that her approach now, is just as bad for you.

[NYY5]

So what are you saying? What do you think she wants to tell me that would make me upset?

[Geishawhelk]

I haven't a clue. All I'm saying is that maybe she hasn't been in touch with you because she is aware you have a fragile nature, and doesn't wish to complicate your life.

I'm not going to try to second guess a person I don't even know.

 

In a way, posting on here is feeding your anxiety.

 

Try to relax, take a few deep breaths and think positive thoughts.

 

Get yourself a very good book called "Feeling Good" By Dr. David Burns.

It's very very good, and worth reading.

It basically explains that everything that happens behind your eyes is far far more powerful than anything going on infront of your eyes.

Your Mind is your greatest tool and asset.

You need to use it wisely.

[NYY5]

I understand what you're saying here. But don't you think that, from my position, it makes things more complicated for her to sort of distance herself from me, without warning or explanation, while she says something sort of cryptic in a text message about wanting to cause the least amount of upheaval for us both?

 

How does she expect me to handle that news? My mind is going to wander all over the place, wondering what happened, what this could mean, etc. Why drag it out like this either?

 

She said, "I know I've been causing you not to feel good over the past couple weeks," well, why?

 

Why let it go a couple weeks? And during those couple weeks, she would still communicate with me every few days at least, asking if I'm safe from a snow storm, wishing me happy holidays with an "xo" at the end.

 

What could've happened? It began right around the same time I told her that her having a partner would be painful for me. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but what else could've happened? Other than my paranoid idea of it being a man, I'm not sure.

 

Only she knows I guess. I just wish I didn't have to be in this state of unknowing and uncertainty as to what is happening to our friendship.

[NYY5]

Just a little background on she and myself:

 

-We met when we were 18 in high school, we were very close from the start, we did "couple" things, spent a lot of time together, but it wasn't "official." I wanted it to be, and after a few months, she ended up going back to a boyfriend she recently broke up with.

 

 

- A little less than a year later, during which we still communicated thru letters now and then, she sent me a letter saying she still loves me very much, and I called her when I read that, and we ended up getting together "officially" and stayed that way 5 or 6 months, until she left for someone else.

 

- Around the time she broke up with him, she contact me, and we tried the "just friends" thing. Of course I thought her contacting me was because she wanted a relationship, and it seemed that way, until after a while, she told me she's talking to some guy.

 

- After THAT ended, we were in contact again. She apologized for losing touch and losing track of her REAL friends. We stayed in touch, and she ended up moving way upstate for a while, so we wrote, but she ended up finding another boyfriend up there, and told me about it.

 

- After THAT ended, she ended up moving back down here and contacted me randomly one night, and I ended up going to sleep over. No sex happened, just sleeping over. Once again, it seemed as though we'd be getting together again, but it didn't happen. I ran into her at a mall with the recently broken up with boyfriend, and we lost contact for a while, again.

 

- Contact was made yet again some months later. By this time, we have known each other 5 years. I still loved her just as much as always, and for the first time since our break up 4 years before, I had a new girlfriend, which was weird for me at first, but didn't last.

 

- So, after her NEXT relationship was about to end, she got in touch again, and invited me over. She ended up kissing me and it seemed like we'd be together again. But not long after, she ended up back with this guy, but it got weird, and not long after, she was with someone else.

 

- So now she was with maybe the 7th boyfriend, since I've known her, and by now it was the summer of 2006. She called me again wanting to be friends, but saying she had no intention of getting back together. I said friendship is too difficult for me if we're not together, and we're better off not in contact.

 

- 6 months later, she calls again, wanting to meet up, so I do. She said "I still feel you around," and "you're my safe, calm place. do you feel the same way?" and I said I did, and I did.

 

- A month or so after that meet up, and hanging out here and there, she came over one night, and we confirmed that we were finally together again, after being broken up for over 6 years.

 

So we were together again, and it was really great. She said I was her dream come true and that she had to experience all the "bad love" from other wrong relationships to finally realize when she had something good, with me.

 

Everything I could've ever wanted her to say to me, she said it. She even said she wanted to get married, and told her mother. It was beautiful and it was perfect, but after a while, it ended, and she said she realized she didn't have romantic feelings for me. Which was something she said in the past, too, so I was confused.

 

So we lost touch for a while. That was February 07, and then after a brief contact in October 07, she contacted me again in August 08, and that was when she said she had come out as a lesbian recently.

 

She said that is why she had no romantic feelings for me, or for any man. She said it was not a new development, and that she always tried to change it, but was passed that now.

 

She told me that every other boyfriend she had was just someone who was there, like a prop, so she could appear a certain way to society.

 

She said that she knew none of them cared for her or loved her the way I did, so it was easier just to have someone around who wasn't as "intense" so she didn't have to face all her emotions every day.

 

She was practically begging me to be friends and be in her life again, and I figured that it would be easier since there won't be another guy in the picture to make it awkward for me.

 

So we started to hang out and talk more and everything. She told me that if she WAS straight, she knows we would be together, be married and everything, because she said all the other feelings are there, it's just that she doesn't have sexual or romantic feelings for me because I'm a man.

 

Earlier this month, she told me she knows she is unequivocally gay and that she wanted me to promise that I'd be open to being with another girl one day in the future. She really wanted me to promise that, otherwise, she said, she would feel too much guilt.

 

So I did promise. And it was two days later that she said, in a text, that she does hope to find a partner someday, and hopes it won't be painful for me. And so I said, "Well it will be painful but I can accept it and hope things stay the way they are now,"

 

And that leads us to my currents posts, and where we are now.

 

I know it's a lot to read, but maybe you can understand a little more why my mind is so trained and so used to her pattern of leaving my life because of another man, that I just can't seem to snap out of it, even after she tells me all this stuff about how she is a lesbian.

 

It's as if I'm expecting history to repeat itself over and over, like it seemingly has, and that was always her going out with some other guy. SO that was why I texted, "You don't have a boyfriend, do you?"

 

Maybe it was dumb to say, was it? Maybe I jumped the gun, I don't know, but it just came out. Maybe part of me DOES think she's with a guy again, even though I know of everything she said recently about being gay, knowing she was her whole life, and taking her whole life to come out.

 

I do love her and want her to be happy, I really do. I just don't know what it going on with her and I right now. I guess if she ever gets back to me, I'll know.