First Post: Place your bets how this will turn out.

[Info SuperThighway]

I think your SIL should go to the marriagebuilders website I suggested...she needs to initiate a SOLID "plan A". You can get the basics of that from their free material.

 

"Plan B" (NC with specific stipulations on what's required to end it) should occur after a stellar "plan A" has not worked.

 

I agree with you 100% OWL....like I told her, this is obviously a problem with him - if not the job, MLC, mom's death, drugs, loss of his job/ability to provide, or what not....the issue is his. He was okay and their relationship (no matter how he wants to describe it now) was good before losing the job and the OW came back in his life. Unless bro straightens out his OWN DEMONS nothing will ever be able to be fixed - at best, he'll just play good boy for a while until the next drama kicks in. And that is no solution.

[signedin2008]

I think your SIL should go to the marriagebuilders website I suggested...she needs to initiate a SOLID "plan A". You can get the basics of that from their free material.

 

"Plan B" (NC with specific stipulations on what's required to end it) should occur after a stellar "plan A" has not worked.

 

You should not tell her to go do Plan A and Plan B without her answering if she want him back or not. If the answer is no, it should be a plan to make an appointment with a divorce attorney.

[Info SuperThighway]

CARHILL: I can try. A few days ago I'd say she'd been in here and posting up a storm, but after calling her yesterday she's been REALLY down after he stood up the girls. But maybe getting her to read here would help. I'd like her to be able to hear from others that have "been there", not just me who never went through anything like this. I love her soooo much, and my bro was her best friend and her rock - without him she's feeling very much alone, and a little bottled up.

[carhill]

Yes, one step at a time. Reading can refocus the mind and emotions and provide a gentle mirror at the same time. We each deal with the emotions in different ways and have differing amounts of time and energy.

 

Each day is a new day

[whichwayisup]

Right now he isn't going to listen to anyone as he's in a total affair-fog and is only thinking of himself. His wife and the kids are NOT on his mind. Whatever guilt he may be feeling has been buried and he's justifying his stupid choice in hurting/betraying his whole family because HE is having a midlife crisis and is depressed. He's acting like a big idiot by going down cheating pathway.

 

If you try to talk to him, more than likely he's going to shut you out. So, don't lecture him, but ask him questions that make him stop and think. Let him know that you love him but hate what he's doing to his family. That he needs help..All this can be said in a loving way so he won't close himself off to you.

[Athena]

Hi Superthighway.

 

I advise you and your family to speak very bluntly to your brother about what you truly think of his actions. Let me tell you why I think this is the best course of action. My H cheated on me several times and I initially kept his affairs secret from the family and everyone. Big mistake.

H just continued to screw around because there were no consequences.

Then, after the third big Discovery Day of next batch of affairs, I caved in (fell apart) and sought help and support from some select members of the family.

 

I told his mom and dad, his sister and brother as well since I honestly believed we would land up divorcing if this continued. At first, the in-laws SAID NOTHING to him!!!!!! Just carried on 'acting nice' to him via emails or phone calls (since they live abroad)... but behind his back, they would tell me to divorce him!

 

Eventually, I got mad at the whole lot of them. I wrote an email and CC'd it to them all. I told them that while they expected ME to punish H for his cheating behavior by divorcing him, they couldn't bring themselves to 'divorce' him for the same behavior they were disgusted with.... why would they expect ME to do something (cut him out of my life) for the very same thing that they didn't even talk to him about?!

I pointed out that I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH, that I had a two-decade life with him, two kids, he was my best friend, etc etc, and they expected something from me that they couldn't muster up themselves.

 

I told them I was disappointed in them that they couldn't even voice their true opinions to their brother/son for fear of him cutting them out of his life, yet they felt that I SHOULD do this!!!!

 

I told them, that despite what they thought, my H worried about their opinion of him, and they could influence his waywardness if they spoke honestly and clearly....

 

Well, after that, they finally faced him -- told him he was doing wrong... and guess what? He cared!

Now, it wasn't all just about "why don't I 'get rid of him'" but rather, how can they help me to help H.

 

So -- my advice to you, is for your entire family to openly disapprove of your brother's behavior.

To tell him very strongly that he is acting like an a$$h@%! and that as your brother, YOU HOLD HIM TO A HIGHER STANDARD.

 

He will rethink his love for OW very fast.

 

However, I think your SIL should not take him back too easily or quickly. She should not see him for at least six months --- maybe a year.

 

He's got to feel the consequences of his rash actions. And, if your SIL sees him and discusses the marriage with him while he has his head in the clouds, he will just denigrate the marriage... to justify his behavior to himself... so its best for her to avoid him and let him come down from his affair high, as he will do so, sooner or later.

 

Another thing -- in your initial post you said that your brother basically turned the tables on the older daughter when she rightfully let mom know about dad's communications with OW.... I think you should soundly tell your brother off about this -- it is simply unacceptable that a father should blame an innocent child just to hide his own disgusting behavior and lies and trade them in for calling her a liar, just to protect his own a$$.

That is really, really, low.

[carhill]

The OP appears to be in a bit of a pickle, as she's 6-7,000 miles away and the man (his father) who really should be smacking some sense into her brother is a serial cheater himself and likely disinterested or impotent to do/say anything meaningful. Her mother is dead. Brother needs some serious face time with someone he respects if harsh language is to do any good. Is there anyone local to do this?

 

IMO, best course of action is to support SIL and encourage her to take positive actions to keep their children and herself healthy. Brother can deal with his choices alone. I wouldn't engage him at all unless he returns with appropriate words and actions of contrition and then only within MC.

[Info SuperThighway]

Another thing -- in your initial post you said that your brother basically turned the tables on the older daughter when she rightfully let mom know about dad's communications with OW.... I think you should soundly tell your brother off about this -- it is simply unacceptable that a father should blame an innocent child just to hide his own disgusting behavior and lies and trade them in for calling her a liar, just to protect his own a$$.

That is really, really, low.

 

Yeah, that one really hit home for me. As soon as I heard I started talking to her immediately. When she said her dad finally called from the OW house and admitted it I asked "DID HE APOLOGIZE TO YOU???". My niece thought it was a funny question, but I told her over and over that he owes her an apology for that, plus some.

 

He didn't. And I still haven't been able to be in contact with him since that, but I know my long talk with eldest niece must have had some effect. As I suspected and went through myself with my dad, she was feeling heavy guilt for having to be the one exposing him. But I asked her a real easy question that seemed to put her in focus and make her feel better:

 

I said "If it was your mom cheating on your dad, you would have told HIM, wouldn't you?"

 

She said yes.

 

I reassured her that she was just trying to do what was best for her family and herself, keeping something inside like that is awful. I told her that she did the RIGHT thing and I was proud of her, and I told her about how I knew what she was going through because I had to do it too. I think that really helped. A few days after the exposure Bro came to the house and tried to talk with the kids. Youngest niece told him basically to get the #"!% out and leave her alone. Older niece confronted him, and told him flat out that he was wrong to do that to her....and that she KNEW what was going on, she wasn't a kid, and how could he possibly call her a liar to her face like that, and try to make HER feel bad/guilty when all along it was HIM lying to everyone else. He hung his head in shame on that, and had no answers. I'm really proud of her for sticking up for herself and her mom. If anything has hit my brother in this whole thing, I think hearing that from his daughter hit home but good.

 

Like I said, he's cut me out now, maybe partly from guilt because he knows my view of him has been shaken, but I'm sure that I won't congratulate him on his A with the OW is part of it. Even "Dad the cheater" has been disapproving, though he has been letting him live in his home for a few days. Bro has been moving over to OW more and more probably because he doesn't like we don't approve.

 

He's definately in a fog...but he's a fool not to realize he's about to hit an iceberg.

 

I know my SIL well. If he had admitted his problems and came home a day, two days, maybe even three days of running off with the OW she probably would have been voulnerable enough to take him back and try to work something out. But she's a tough cookie, the more he NC's her the more she has time to think, and she warned me that she feels things are about to get ugly and she's going to have to file. The longer she stays in that home and married to him the more he probably feels he can just come back - she feels that she's going to have to cut bait and leave him for the sharks and I totally understand. I really think his chances with her are over. Who knows, maybe they could work it out? But for me right now my main worries is about the kids....like I said, this is damage that can't really be undone. NOBODY will forget Christmas 2008 and what happened. Can they move on? Maybe. But the kids are always going to have a different picture of daddy.

 

I was lucky in that respect (I guess). Mom was so good a keeping Dad's hookers a secret...I never knew until I became an adult. Then she told me - and I could see what pain it caused her. But for these girls..to be a teenagers, and going through some of the roughest times in my life is bad, but having your dad do this to your family and leave you right before christmas while being a teen? Jeez.

 

Oldest niece has a pretty good head on her shoulders and is handling this like a mature adult despite her years and despite being "daddy's girl" who in her eyes has just been replaced. I'm worried about the youngest though - she's really bottled up and I don't think she is handling it well.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m feeling you, IST.

 

Our family experienced an upheaval of epic proportions with my own sister’s mid-life misadventures. The repercussions of which we all still feel and grieve to this very day. She lost her sons as a consequence, and our entire family has been cut off and estranged from those two beautiful young boys ... who we loved only as a family could love ... while their father (who was no better) continues to exact his revenge all these years later.

 

People, when in the midst of their mid-life crazies, seldom stop to consider the full scope of their irresponsible choices and just how far those repercussions reach. My father, who was very much like you describe your own in his younger days, took it the hardest. Not only because he adored those boys, but because he was forced to face his past in the mirror and experience the consequences of such foolishness from a whole different perspective. It was difficult for him to even try and talk any sense into my sister without her turning it around on him and calling him a “hypocrite.” I remember during the worst of it, my ol’ man muttering something about “The sins of the father revisited ...”

 

It’s difficult (if not impossible) to remain ambivalent, objective and completely devoid of personal opinions when we’re talking about something that devastates an entire family rather than a couple of strangers whose crazy lives don’t directly affect us. I’m happy for you that your family still remains intact for the most part despite your brother’s mental and physical absence. With support from each other you’ll all come through on the other side stronger and wiser than before because[/b] of it ... while sadly, your brother may not fair so well.

 

But remember ... he’s the one that abandoned his family. Not the other way around. That was HIS choice and you and your family are not responsible for whatever comes of it. As hard as it may be, you must let him live the life he creates for himself --- make his mistakes and learn whatever lessons he might experience from that . Good or bad. However, that doesn’t mean you have to enable him by condoning, supporting or stepping in to “rescue” him when he eventually crashes and burns. Not if it conflicts with your personal values and everything you and your family holds dear.

 

Your SIL and your nieces are lucky to have married into such a strong and supportive extended family. I think your brother’s absence (whether temporary or permanent) will be of little consequence to those strong bonds of love that have already been forged. After all, that’s what family is really all about.

[Info SuperThighway]

 

 

P My father, who was very much like you describe your own in his younger days, took it the hardest. Not only because he adored those boys, but because he was forced to face his past in the mirror and experience the consequences of such foolishness from a whole different perspective. It was difficult for him to even try and talk any sense into my sister without her turning it around on him and calling him a “hypocrite.” I remember during the worst of it, my ol’ man muttering something about “The sins of the father revisited ...”

 

You my friend, deserve a prize. That's EXACTLY how bro is treating Dad's disapproval. he said "you had (insert dad's OW name here) and I have (insert bro's OW name here)".

[Info SuperThighway]

Just an update....

 

Talked to SIL before going to bed last night to check on her. She was really angry. Here's the update:

 

Bro is living with OW now and not at Dad's anymore

 

Bro showed up unannounced at their home (kids are off for holidays) while SIL was at work to try to talk to kids.

 

Girls were not happy, basically told him get out. Bro took Oldest daughter's cell and called OW from it...in coversation was yelling about how kids were ungrateful or something, and how it wasn't worth talking to them.

 

He erases OW's phone from cell and hands it back to older daughter, then tells kids to look him up when they are 18. (They are 15 and 13 now).

 

Older daughter asks "how the hell am I supposed to do that" since he's living with OW in secret place and nobody knows where it is and nobody can call him/contact him.

 

SiL told Bro he needed to come over later because she has papers for him to sign. He gets angry says "what papers, I don't need to sign papers" and demands SiL and kids will continue living in their house.

 

SiL and girls living in house is impossible because she doesn't make enough money and isn't getting any from Bro.

 

Bro says SiL won't be getting s*** from him.

 

 

.....so...guess I'll update if and when he goes over there today and if I hear anything.

 

SiL seemed to be in a different mood today. Not as depressed, more angry. Hopefully soon she will feel more empowered.

[pelicanpreacher]

Have SIL file for divorce based upon abandonment and, if her state allows non-judical notice, post the announcement in her local newspaper. His SIL needs to protect her children from his antics through complete, utter, and absolute ostrization of his being from here on out. For him to skulk about the family home he voluntarily left when he knew she wouldn't be present to ply his sordid case to her children shows a complete lack of respect for her, the children, and himself and that can no longer be tolerated. To make matters worse he's still holding to the precept that his right to be held in esteem as their father remains intact even in light of the infidelity he's commiting and the denigrating statements he's made to them in justification of his selfish point of view.

 

He is now deemed to be a destructive influence in the lives of these children and, sorry to say, must be construed as an enemy to that household. You can remain commited to him on your own but you must support and urge your SIL to adopt this mindset in order to ensure the quickest and least painful return to normalcy for the children's sake!

[Info SuperThighway]

Thanks Pelican.

 

I agree with you, he's way out of control now. As soon as I heard my first response was "Girl, better change those locks!"

 

SiL has a long road ahead, I know she's been having to seriously consider filing soon, but I also know finances are an issue for her. He left them in an already bad financial situation (since he wasn't working for a few months) and now she has all this on her shoulders - how to pay bills, having to think of finding a new place to live, getting a lawyer, etc. all on how to keep what she can all on *her* salary alone. He's put her in a very tough place. I wish I could do something for them, but financially I'm strapped too. Husband and I are both in college and live like poor college students do (but hopefully this will change soon, hubby graduates in a few weeks). I however still have 3 terms left.

 

But as far as the kids go, he's taking may dad's old stance...the "I'm their father and they will have to love me no matter what" road.

 

I'll try to look into more of what I can. I'm not sure but I think the state that they live in requires the other spouse to be gone for 8 months in order to claim abandonment as a reason for D in the paperwork. All this drama has just taken place in a little over a week.

[vnqsh2001]

IT REALLY SUCKS to be the one in the middle. Like my niece, I also told my mother. I know now for me it was the right choice, but I also know how she is feeling and it pains me she has to go through it too, and much younger than I was when I did it. All those thoughts rush through your head like "This is all my fault, I should have stayed quiet" and "If I hadn't said anything none of this would have happened" etc. It was hard for me in my 20's....I can't imagine how rough it has to be when you are 15 and right before the holidays....

 

I'm not in favor of adultery by any means. Lord knows that I've been burned by this act of selfishness more than a few times. On the other hand, I don't think it is right for family members to turn on each other or for children to take sides in a what ends up being a war between parents. These things tear families and individuals apart. In other words, I don't see what you think is so "right" about telling on your own parent. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to be a tattletale? There are reasons you should keep quiet sometimes.

[carhill]

He left them in an already bad financial situation (since he wasn't working for a few months) and now she has all this on her shoulders - how to pay bills, having to think of finding a new place to live, getting a lawyer, etc. all on how to keep what she can all on *her* salary alone. He's put her in a very tough place.

 

Not saying it's the case here, but this scenario can be an exit strategy. Impoverish oneself and the family, leave, have no traceable source of income, thwarting attempts to collect on monetary awards such as spousal support/child support, etc. This strategy also leaves the family without the means to easily engage legal help on their own.

 

I saw a surprisingly similar scenario play out and it has gone on for years. The children now have their own children (as an indication of elapsed time) and it's still not resolved. Interestingly, drug use was a feature of that dynamic as well.

 

OP, if at all possible, SIL needs to hit this hard and early and be proactive.

[Adunaphel]

I feel for your SIL and your nieces, and I am sorry to hear that you are going trough such a situation.

It sounds like one of those stories when a MM really loses his head, and it is just a matter of time before he realizes what a huge mistake he has made... yet there is something in the picture that sounds weird to me.

Your brother said that their marriage was not a good one, he has been unhappy for years, and there were problems.

Were you aware of this?

Was your SIL?

Did either of them(your brother and your SIL) discuss their marriage with you?

Is your brother someone who will communicate about problems he might be having, or will he not share them until he made a decision by himself?

Is there any *real* communication at all between your brother and your SIL?

Sorry for asking, but it sounds really weird thet your SIL never fully realized that there actually were big issues. But the idea of your brother leaving out of the blue while rewriting his marriage and making up problems that weren't even there sounds even more strange.

[Info SuperThighway]

I'm not in favor of adultery by any means. Lord knows that I've been burned by this act of selfishness more than a few times. On the other hand, I don't think it is right for family members to turn on each other or for children to take sides in a what ends up being a war between parents. These things tear families and individuals apart. In other words, I don't see what you think is so "right" about telling on your own parent. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to be a tattletale? There are reasons you should keep quiet sometimes.

 

 

You have a right to your opinion. But at the time I had to, I knew in my GUT that what was going on was wrong and my mother had a right to know. This is the same way my niece felt, but to her benefit it didn't take her as long to get up the nerve as it did me. (I took a few days).

 

I loved my mom and dad, just like I'm sure oldest niece does. But how right is it to withold information (though possibly devestating) to a parent? To let them believe a farce? To let them think all is okay? To let daddy run off and have sex with another woman (possibly unprotected) and then tap mom too? It isn't fair to mom to be kept unaware in either case. She deserves a choice even if her husband didn't give her the chance by keeping his options covert.

 

Sure, I was raised not to be a tattletale. But I was also raised not to be a LIAR. And knowing something like that and participating in keeping it quiet is just as bad...you are participating in a lie, and stabbing someone you love in the back.

 

Sometimes, you have to tell someone something painful. And even though you know it will hurt, you do so because you love them that much.

 

So....that's why I did it. And felt it was right. And still felt it was right to this day.

 

Adunaphel: No, nobody saw this coming. And I was there all summer until Sept. and they looked happy and fine as usual. She says so too. They always had fun together, did a lot together, etc.

 

I know it sounds strange about the rewriting the marriage part, but that's exactly it. I'm not sure why he's doing it. Maybe he's been telling the OW that to make her pity him so much he believes it himself. *shrug* And again, I'm starting to worried he is back on drugs....which could be a possible answer. But this just started at exactly the same time (Nov) that he got in contact with the OW...suddenly he goes from loving and caring to "You are too fat, you never wear enough makeup, you aren't good in bed!" overnight to SiL.

 

Just calling it like I see it. And that's how I've seen it, SiL too.

 

carhill: Yeah, I'm wondering if it is exit strategy...or maybe somehow he feels empowered by making sure she doesn't have means for D and keeping them in the house as long as he can, maybe he thinks if things don't work out with OW (which could be the case, he has no job so she must be supporting him financially at the moment, which puts the pressure on) he thinks maybe he can come back as if nothing happened?

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm not in favor of adultery by any means. Lord knows that I've been burned by this act of selfishness more than a few times. On the other hand, I don't think it is right for family members to turn on each other or for children to take sides in a what ends up being a war between parents. These things tear families and individuals apart. In other words, I don't see what you think is so "right" about telling on your own parent. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to be a tattletale? There are reasons you should keep quiet sometimes.

 

Not only did OP's brother selfishly throw his entire family under the bus when he decided to engage in an affair but had the audacity to openly indulge himself in it while in the home. Remember, he's lost his job so that internet service he used to conduct his communication was paid solely with his wife's income at this point. Instead of conducting an affair and using household luxuries to do so his thinking should have been slanted toward what could be cut back to make it easier to stretch his wife's income more easily. His daughter not only recognized the despicable betrayal of the mother she loved by her father (which, btw, jeopardized the family's future) but also his utter lack of respect by using hard earned money and rescources dedicated for family use in his self-entitled justification to abuse an already tight household budget.

 

In revisiting your "tattle tale" mantra I'll agree that loyalty should be championed whenever possible but it is imperative that everyone understand that certain actions, intentions, and behaviors fall outside the scope of this stance and must be revealed when they compromise the safety, sanctity, and security of the family unit. If not, should one of your children grow a facination with matches, you'd better hope you get out in time if they're made to keep this proclivity a deadly secret and end up burning your house down!

[vnqsh2001]

You have a right to your opinion. But at the time I had to, I knew in my GUT that what was going on was wrong and my mother had a right to know.

 

Obviously, you felt something else in your gut too, or it wouldn't have troubled you after you did it. You felt guilty afterward because by showing loyalty to your mother, you betrayed your father. You chose to take sides in the war between them.

 

I loved my mom and dad, just like I'm sure oldest niece does. But how right is it to withhold information (though possibly devastating) to a parent? To let them believe a farce? To let them think all is okay? To let daddy run off and have sex with another woman (possibly unprotected) and then tap mom too?

 

How right is it? I think it is very right because there are some things you really have no business getting involved in and there was a better way to handle the problem than blabbing everything. If you really loved your mom and dad equally you would have felt equally conflicted about stirring up trouble between them or hurting parents on both sides. You would have worried about distancing yourself from one parent for the sake of another.

 

It isn't fair to mom to be kept unaware in either case. She deserves a choice even if her husband didn't give her the chance by keeping his options covert.

 

No, it isn't fair at all. That's why you probably should have tried to confront your father about it instead of running off to tell Mommy at the first sign of trouble.

 

Sure, I was raised not to be a tattletale. But I was also raised not to be a LIAR. And knowing something like that and participating in keeping it quiet is just as bad...you are participating in a lie, and stabbing someone you love in the back.

 

Sometimes you need to put love for others (especially your family) ahead of high and mighty principles. If it were me, I would have stepped back and tried to take a look at the big picture a bit more. You didn't have to participate in keeping it quiet. You could have participated in trying to get it out in the open by talking to your father about it. You could have tried to convince him to admit it to your mother and seek counseling. If you can't talk to your father, then maybe that is a sign that your love and relationship with him is rather weak. In that case, don't you think your father is going to resent you even more if you turn him in?

 

Sometimes, you have to tell someone something painful. And even though you know it will hurt, you do so because you love them that much.

 

Maybe you loved your mother that much. I doubt your father thanks you for it much though. I'm sorry, but I think you are being a little one-sided in your assessment. Yes, your father was the morally wrong one, but he's still your father. He deserves your respect and loyalty too; even though he did a bad thing.

 

So....that's why I did it. And felt it was right. And still felt it was right to this day.

 

As much as I hate my wife's infidelity, I hope to never hear about it from my own child. Children shouldn't be involved in conflicts like this. You said you felt it was right. Let me ask you, how are things between you and your father now? Is everything right between the two of you?

 

If it caused any tension or further distance in the relationship between you and your father, how can you say that it was right? I guess you just don't care so much about that relationship, but I really think you should.

[vnqsh2001]

I guess some people just want to say that children should automatically take the side of the morally right. I'm saying that it's not right for children to take sides. The children are not the ones being morally wronged by adultery. The spouse is. Therefore, they have no right to get involved. Children should simply love and respect both their parents because they owe their parents these things. They are indebted for all the care the parents gave in raising them.

[Info SuperThighway]

I guess some people just want to say that children should automatically take the side of the morally right. I'm saying that it's not right for children to take sides. The children are not the ones being morally wronged by adultery. The spouse is. Therefore, they have no right to get involved. Children should simply love and respect both their parents because they owe their parents these things. They are indebted for all the care the parents gave in raising them.

 

 

vnqsh: Hey. Like I said, you have a right to your opinion. So I take it you feel I was a brat tattle-tale for telling my mother and I should have gone to Dad instead.

 

f you read my posts about the situation, you would know it was MY FATHER who chose to involve me. Not only in knowing, BUT HELPING him in his affair with this woman. I din't ask for it or snoop around to find out, he made me a participant.

 

So, do I really give two flying s**** what he thinks about me for telling my mom way back then? NO. I don't. He shouldn't have involved me in his affair. Do I give a **** now? NO. I love my father, but I will not be able to respect him. And trust me, he's still a self-centered ass. He really doesn't care. In fact, he cared so little while my mother was on her deathbed of cancer he begged me to sneak in and go through her purse to find the letters of the OW so he could have her address again. (Mom took the letters and always carried them in her purse. I guess in moments she felt weak with my father or whatever, she would whip them out and make herself angry.) MY MOTHER IS DYING and taking her last breaths and after 50 years of marriage all he can think about it now that mom will be out of the picture he can make the moves on the OW again, and he was too much of a coward to do it himself so once again....10 years later...he tried to involve me again.

 

I told him he could shove it that time. You may sit at your keyboard and think you can convince me to blame myself but I've had a decade to think long and hard about it. DAD WAS AN ASS. HE'S STILL AN ASS. I FEEL NO GUILT ANYMORE. Yes, the first time I did, but that was because I had been in shock and my image of my father had just been shattered. Now I know better.

 

Think of me as a snitch if you want to, but point blank....my dad knew I disapproved. I had already begged and pleaded at that point he seeked some sort of help. He didn't care. After deciding he wasn't going to listen to reason, I did what I should had done and TOLD MY MOTHER. This wasn't about morals, this was him endangering her, disrespecting her, and disrespecting everyone involved.

 

When two people get married, they make a CHOICE. They choose to be monogamous - and that was the understanding my mother had. By sneaking behind her back and sleeping with whatever came around he took away her CHOICE in the marriage. My dad liked hookers, and being a professional he often "traded services" from his practice for sex. Lotta these women were not clean looking - but what do you expect from women who sleep with a man for medical-industry tradeoffs? My mother deserved to know. And I, as their child, never deserved to be involved.

 

Judge me if you want, I am so over this.

[carhill]

How's SIL doing? Any luck getting her to read here?

[pelicanpreacher]

IST, ignore the man behind the curtain for his head is so far up his @ss he can see daylight coming down his throat! The moral convictions instilled in you by your decent and proper parent, your mother, is what will ensure the advice you give your SIL, her children, and your future children will keep them safe from harm's promise of complete destruction should they ever be confronted by a dilemma that would compromise the safety, security, or sanctity of the home.

 

As to the man behind the curtain, let's flip the script and say that, instead of infidelity, one parent had a drinking problem that caused them to get physically abusive to their spouse. Though a loving parent and marriage partner when sober they become dangerous and unstable when soused. Let us fast forward to the point that the abuse worsened enough to affect the mental ond emotional well being of the children causing the sober and stallworth parent to set an ultimatum ... completely give up drinking or find another place to live. The children know of the devestating impact the abuse has been within their parent's marriage and really hope the family's abuser will straighten up and become a loving spouse and parent again once the promise is made.

 

If the children catches the abuser drinking again or discovers a private stash of alcohol in the house what would one expect them to do at this point? I'm guessing its in some's opinion that even if the threat of abuse could take a parent's life a child's loyalty to the offending parent should override their moral compunction to preserve the life of the other parent to whom they should also grant an unabiding loyalty as well?!!

 

To the man behind the curtain, if this is your thinking then you are neither relationship material, marriage material, nor definately parenting material. Do the world a favor and geld yourself lest you propogate your innanity in future generations to abuse an unsuspecting world!!!

[Info SuperThighway]

Pelican: Thanks for the support. I mean it. (HUG) I'm sure vnqsh's posts are probably being affected by his own situation right now. I think I read on another post his wife was cheating, maybe he's upset and is thinking in the back of his mind he wished he had been left in the dark at this point (what I wouldn't have known wouldn't be hurting me now scenerio) and it is translating over to his own posts to me. I'm trying to be understanding in light of his own situation.

 

Carhill: I haven't talked to her since the update. Even worse, I haven't heard from oldest niece - she hasn't emailed me back which is really unlike her. SiL I understand, their home phone was cut off (like I said, he left them in a bad situation) so I need to be the one that calls her. But not sure about oldest niece...unless maybe their internet provider cut them off. As soon as I know it isn't too early I'll call over there today and hopefully hear something.

 

But yeah, I will definately invite her here. I hope she isn't upset that I made a post about her situation, I've done my best to keep actual names and locations out of this. She knows I care a lot about her and the kids though. I'll see what mood she is in, hopefully she is doing better today. But I can understand it must be a roller coaster of emotions for her right now...I mean sixteen years...just wow. :/

[carhill]

OP, here's an example of some typical verbiage regarding payment of telephone services and potential termination (from AT&T):

 

Basic and Non-Basic Charges: The amount due on your bill may include Basic and Non-Basic Charges. You are responsible for the payment of all charges on your telephone bill. Failure to pay your Basic Charges will result in the interruption of your local service. Local service will not be interrupted if you do not pay the Non-Basic Charges. However, failure to pay Non-Basic Charges will result in termination of all Non-Basic services. Failure to pay any portion of your bill may result in additional collection action. See Collection Charge below

Calling Charges (basic)

 

• Instate long distance calls provided by AT&T Connecticut.
  
• Instate 800, 822, 833, 844, 855, 866, 877, 888 calls.
  
• Calls to Directory Assistance (411) for obtaining instate telephone listings.
  

IIRC, the FCC precludes interruption of basic phone service as long as the fees for basic phone service are paid, which includes the above charges and the base service fee (usually around 10 bucks). Also, you can pay for someone elses phone service. I've been doing it for my mom's house for six years, since she's incompetent and in a dementia facility. Did it while she was living there and do it now while the house is empty.

 

It is possible her internet access is disrupted due to non-payment, but, if she has phone service, she can get dial-up access for free from providers like NetZero for a limited period of time per month if she is a Window's computer user. There might be a couple other similar services out there. They work great for e-mail and IM and browsing government information sites, which is what she would need right now.

 

Best wishes and prayers headed her way