First Post: Place your bets how this will turn out.

[Info SuperThighway]

I've been lurking here for a week now and this place has really given me some solace.

 

I'd like to ask some of you posting vets your take on a really messed up situation involving infedelity. I have my own hunches, but I'd like to see what you guys think.

 

So...the story goes...

 

I'm 33, been married 13 years myself. Hubby and I are great - this one isn't about us. It's about my older brother.

 

So, I have a brother, who is 47. Been married to his high school sweetie (she's 48) for 16 years, they have two beautiful girls together. 13 and 15 years old.

 

Here's where it all goes South-

 

Brother loses his job a few months ago. Has had the same job for about as long as he's been married. Wants his job back, can't get it. He stays at home and mopes - smoking tons of cigs yet doesn't find work. Over a month goes by, he spends most of his time on myspace or wherever just surfing and feeling bad. Poor SIL tries her best to pay bills now that bro isn't bringing home any money (he was the breadwinner). Everyone worries about him, SIL puts him on anti-depressants. (We all figure he is very depressed.)

 

Older daughter begins to suspect something. She looks over her dad's shoulder and sees he's myspacing with a certain woman a lot. She tells mom "I think dad has a girlfriend". Subject gets out, her Dad yells at her and calls her a liar and says she's too young to understand, and that nobody is cheating on anyone and she's mean to put such thoughts in people's heads and is just trying to cause trouble.

 

So, Friday before Christmas rolls around. Bro tells SIL he is going to take off to "find himself". says he's going to get some cheap motel and take a few days to get his act together, then he'd be back Monday to go to her family's for Christmas like usual. Nobody is suprised....in the past long ago when he's had it rough sometimes he would disappear, go on a bender and get drunk, and then he would get his act together. That was a long time ago, but wasn't out of character for him.

 

So he leaves that Friday, kisses SIl goodbye. She even hands him some money so he can make it a few days. After he leaves, the feeling in her gut says something isn't right. Though it was against her better judgement, she guiltily opens up his myspace.

 

The myspace looks clean at first. He deleted everything, but oops...forgot to delete the trash. There she finds tons of letters to him and an old flame (if you can call it that, he used to have sex with her when he was 18 and she was 15). From the emails, it is obvious they've been seeing each other, in more ways than one. There are even pictures of her with roses he sent her and her thanking him for it. In the last letter she sees a note from the OW stating "Are you sure you want to pick me after 16 years of marriage and 2 kids? I'm happy you pick me! Come and get me baby!" and THAT was on the same night he left to "find himself" and "have some alone time" to "get things together".

 

Sad thing is, once the secret got out, even the kids knew (they had their hunches before). The kids found pictures of this OW in full naked glory wishing their dad a "Merry Christmas Baby" on the computer.

 

So, she emails the OW letting her know she knows what is up, and knows her husband is there, and he better contact her asap. OW goes offline immediately. My brother stays gone about 30 hours and then calls. Admits he was with OW. But now says he is leaving SIL and kids for OW. I've talked to him and he is convinced himself he is madly in love. Says things with SIL has been bad for years - can't see how she was suprised. Though admittedly, I was there and stayed all summer at his house with him and my SIL and nothing seemed bad with the relationship then...

 

All this seems very strange. Oh, and the OW doesn't care - she thinks she is madly in love with my brother too. And I really hate to seem judgemental of someone I don't even know - but she looks the part of the stereotypical OW from movies. about 6 years younger than my bro, fake blond hair, more nips and tucks than a quilt, and the worst wal-mart boob job you can imagine. (SIL described it as two cantelopes with wrinkles)

 

Now my bet - my brother got so down about not being able to provide for his family that the attention from another woman got him fooled into the game. Made him feel like a "man" again. Don't get me wrong, I think he really THINKS he's in love but mainly I think his little head is making him believe that. He's been burning a ton of bridges with the SIL and the 2 kids, as well as the rest of the family - but I think when the "magic" of the new relationship wears off he's going to realize he's made a HUGE mistake. He keeps talking about how sex with the OW is great and how awesome she is in the sack. (BUT ISN'T THAT ALWAYS HOW IT IS IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP? What happens when the "new coochie smell" wears off and the mundane rolls in?)

 

He moved in with my elderly dad a few days after getting caught, but seems now he is living with the OW...at least on the weekends. I don't think the OW lets him stay there while she is at work on weekdays (or however - maybe he is pretending to go to work?- either way he usually prefers not to be there during weekday business hours and goes elsewhere)

 

They just started talking in November...and he left his family a few days before Christmas.

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think a month or so of talking to someone else is an awful short time to toss 16 years+ out the window.

 

I think he's going to crawl back to my SIL, but she doesn't think so. I think the minute she starts selling their house or files and he knows she's gone he's going to have regrets.

 

What really baffles me, is this is so out of character for my brother. He was always all about his family. And he DESPISED cheaters. Our own father used to serial cheat on our own mom growing up and we really have no respect for our own father to this day. Yet he thinks that his kids will still respect him (at the moment they don't want anything to do with him, naturally) and that their angst towards him will "blow over" with time.

 

So....anyone wanna place your bets? How do you think this one will turn out? Think he's going to live happily ever after with the OW? Think he'll run back? Love to hear the expert opinions on this forum. This place has been wonderful for me, I've been trying to spend a lot of my time offering love and support to the wife and kids my brother left behind....I love them so much and I hate to see them hurting like this, but reading here has really given me insight into what to expect emotionally when these things occur.

[Geishawhelk]

However this turns out, it's none of your business.

All you can do is offer unconditional support to both your bro and SiL and the kids, not take sides, and weather it as best you can.

 

I know you have a right to your opinions, but being judgemental and taking sides will ultimately make it worse for you, not better.

 

In matters of taste, swim with the current.

In matters of principle stand like a rock.

 

Your bro's choice is exactly that. His choice.

There has been pain, there is pain, there will be pain.

What she looks like and who she is is no concern of anyone's. The main thing is for him to do right by his wife and kids, and not prolong or perpetuate the agony.

[Info SuperThighway]

Well, that was HARSH.

 

But I guess you're right. It isn't my family, huh? It isn't like I feel the only part of my family I have left is being torn apart. I guess I should just say to his wife and my two wonderful nieces who's dad just abandoned them it isn't my business? I guess I shouldn't care about my brother or worry about him? I guess that the pain of infedelity we learned from our own father and what it did to our family shouldn't make me concerned.

 

I've always been the one stuck in the middle. The one in the family that has to support evryone else. I've always looked up to my big brother, and this has really shattered me.

 

But hey, I guess since I'm not the one giving the **** or taking the **** I really have no right to be in this forum or voice my opinions, right?

 

And who said I was judgemental? I'm trying my best to be neutral as I can. The comments I made about the OW was just that - I commented about her appearance, I actually found it comical she looked like the cartoon stereotype of the "other hussy". I didn't say she was one. But she has made it clear she doesn't care about being involved with a MM. And I ain't sugarcoating it....i'm certain my bro has filled her with all sorts of crap, about how unhappy he is, what a horrible woman he is married to....she probably thinks he's a poor beaten down soul who just needs another chance at love and she can save him from all his heartache. If he can lie to his wife of sixteen years and have sex with the new woman behind her back, I'm sure the OW isn't exempt to his lies too.

[anne1707]

Info

 

Geisha is not trying to give you a hard time. I know her posts and she is only trying to help. The problems are between your brother and your SIL and it is up to them what happens. So yes, all you can do is offer support and try not to be judgmental. The last thing I am sure you want to do is appear to be taking sides and possibly creating an even bigger divide between your brother and SIL.

[Info SuperThighway]

Thanks Anne.

 

I'm really not trying to take sides. In fact, that was the advice I gave my SIL last time she was down, saying she doesn't know what she will do or how she can handle this...what would she do if she stays? What will she do if he comes back? Could she trust him agan?

 

I said simply, only YOU know what is best for your relationship. But know this, no matter what I still love you and we'll still be family. If it works out, so be it, if you divorce him over this, I understand and you'll always be my sister and I love you.

 

My only wish for advice is more insight in why someone would do this. Mid life crisis? Was it the superhero syndrome? Or was it just that he got caught and since EVERYONE (wife, kids, friends) knew about it he had no way to save face, so he decided to just "go all in" at the poke-her table and switch dealers since one dealer knew he had been counting cards?

 

Seriously, this is so out of character for him. I'm actually worried he's using drugs again - so this goes beyond infedelity. He's been clean since he married my SIL, but when I talk to him he sounds so weird...I wonder if he's fallen off the wagon.

[Geishawhelk]

The second part of my signature says it all, IST..... (sorry, after one or two posts, we consider you a regular, and we feel we can abbreviate names! )

 

I really wasn't being harsh or cruel, but sometimes, I just tell it like it is.

 

But if you're doing that anyway, that's a sign we're thinking alike, and it's probably the same advice you'd give someone else.....

 

As to the whys and wherefores - don't even go there.

It's impossible, really to even try to climb into someone's mind when they do something like this.

Heck, I bet you'd get a different reason from him, one week to another.

 

Suffice to say he followed his loins.

He needed something different and instead of doing the decent thing, discussing it with your SiL and airing his problems, did the deed in a covert and deceitful manner.

 

I have told my partner, that if he had an affair behind my back, that's not what would make me mad.

What would break the deal for me is that he broke his promise about his commitment to me and lied.

Loins I can understand.

Lying - I won't tolerate it.

[Info SuperThighway]

Thanks GW.

 

Yeah, I think that's where my SIL is hurting most about this - they were VERY close, and they always told each other everything. They never kept secrets. And our family has been through a LOT in the last few years - our mom recently died of brain cancer and it has been tough going.

 

I totally assume he's going to run back though. I really believe that once he feels the grass isn't greener he's going to beg and plead. But on the same hand I have always thought my SIL is a great woman - and I have admired her toughness. She is very strong, and I don't think even if he came back their marriage would survive the affair. Not because of the sex, but she's told me that she could never trust him again. Mind you, all these wounds are so fresh for her - I'm sure it will take her a while to know what she really wants. I have no doubt she will do the right thing (whatever that may be) for her family.

 

But for me was the shock that after all these years and him knowing how awful we had it because of our own father he would do the same thing (and even worse - our dad ran around but he never left us kids and always came home every night!)

 

It is so baffling. And for me it is double worse - I hurt so bad because I live so far away. They live in the USA, and I live in Europe. I wish I could be MORE supportive. I wish I could go over there and make dinner for the kids and let her have some stress-free time...let us cry together over a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Doing this over the phone is heartbreaking when you know your family needs you.

 

But lurking here really has helped me put some clarity on the situation, but yes...I did feel the need to post, because I really AM detached from the situation. I've never had that sort of problem in my own marriage, nor could I even imagine how hurtful it must feel. I want to know more, because I feel the more I know the more my own questions get answered. Granted, I know I have my own "daddy issues" due to what our own father did and that's probably what breaks me up most. I love my nieces so much, and when the eldest was forced into that situation of having to decide to tell her mother that she felt her father was cheating broke me down - because it wasn't too long ago I had to make that own decision with my own mother. IT REALLY SUCKS to be the one in the middle. Like my niece, I also told my mother. I know now for me it was the right choice, but I also know how she is feeling and it pains me she has to go through it too, and much younger than I was when I did it. All those thoughts rush through your head like "This is all my fault, I should have stayed quiet" and "If I hadn't said anything none of this would have happened" etc. It was hard for me in my 20's....I can't imagine how rough it has to be when you are 15 and right before the holidays....

[Geishawhelk]

I suggest then, if you haven't got one already, to get skype and a video-link, and be there for your niece, who all said and done, did absolutely the right thing.

As did you.

 

It will also maintain a closer contact.

Being so far away must be terrible for you, but I can equate.

On a different level, my parents live in Italy, and I'm in the UK.

 

They're elderly...... You get my point.....

 

Disastrous that it sounds like repetitive behavour, isn't it?

 

I wonder if there's any case in the argument, "it's in the genes"....?

 

(no jokes about being Out of the Jeans).

 

But whether it's 'genetic' or not, that's no excuse.

 

Some say that alcoholism or violence is genetic, but I know of many people subjected to such environments in their youth who never carried it on in their lives.

 

Reason, yes.

Excuse?

Not in a month of Sundays.

[Info SuperThighway]

Repetative behaviour isn't the half of it...it's almost texbook.

 

My father's situation was like this...he had a girlfriend in college that he asked to marry, the woman said no. He moved on, married my mom....

 

Mom and Dad were married almost 50 years (ending only when she died). Dad always serial cheated though, he had a penchant for hookers. So, it was all just about sex until about 10 years ago.

 

10 years ago, before mom got sick - he decided he was "in love" with the old girlfriend from college whom he hadn't had contact with for 40 years +. He uses the internet, finds her...and starts writing love letters fishing to see if she is single. To make matters worse, he involves me. He makes me PROOFREAD all his damn letters to be sure they sound okay since my grammar is better than his. So there I am, proofreading his love letters and him telling me I can't tell my mother about all this. He claims "she was the one that got away".

 

Needless to say, I drive to my parent's house, ask my mom to "go shopping" and we have a long talk in the car as I proceed to his office and show her where he hides his letters. *sigh*

 

Now my brother is doing the same thing...claiming this OW is "the one that got away" and all that. EXACT WORDS. Like a broken record I tell ya.

[pelicanpreacher]

In the face of high stress you have but two choices ... focus or fold! Methinks that your father's serial cheating laid landmines of dissent within your brother that lay dormant until the first high wind blew him off his convictions. Though atypical of the character he exemplified while sober and on his game his reaction to being busted was completely predicatable in first throwing a 2 year old's temper tantrum, rewriting the history of his marriage, and defiantely protecting his assertion that he's done the right thing for himself because the sex is so good!

 

GW is right in the sense that now that the affair is exposed you'd probably do well to focus your attention on your SIL and your neices for they'll all need someone to lean on for a bit as they go through this experience. I would however make it plainly clear to your brother that you neither condone nor endorse his behavior and he needs to take steps to alleviate the pain and misery he's causing. I know you still love and care for him but he needs a bit of tough love right now if he is ever to be made to see the upheaval he has wrought in the lives of his wife and children. Remind him over and over and over again of how he felt when he knew the truth about his own father and how badly he felt knowing how much it hurt your mother. He must be compelled to rectify this situation before its too late to even salvage the faintest relationship with his family now and time is not on his side!

[jwi71]

I'm going to disagree with GW.

 

I think you should "pick a side" and side with the person who is in the right - your SiL.

 

Your post, in tone, says it all - your brother is making a huge mistake given your post - you know it, your family knows it, we all know it. So why sit back and let him? Supporting your brother doesn't mean sitting back and saying "ok, run off that tart". It means grabbing him by the collar, yelling "stop you d*mn fool" and slapping him silly.

 

Sometimes its a clear choice - the one between right and wrong. And by sitting back and doing nothing, you enable him to do wrong. Is that a good man? A good brother?

 

Do what is right by your brother. If you think that he is in a stupid phase - you'd better act to save him from further ruining his life.

[Owl]

I'm going to do something I rarely do...

 

...disagree with GW.

 

Normally we're on the same sheet the majority of the time, but in this case, I've got a different take on dealing with your brother.

 

Part of my reasoning in this might be my mindset...I don't believe in unconditional love.

 

I understand that you still love your brother...but...you hate his ACTIONS.

 

Let him suffer the consequences of those actions...let him know very point blank, honestly and up front what you think of his actions. Don't pull your punches, don't beat around the bush.

 

If you don't agree with what he's doing...he darn sure needs to know that. And the rest of your family, and his friends, and his wife, and his kids, and everyone else needs to make it equally apparent to him that what he's doing is wrong, unacceptable, and that they have no intention of accepting that kind of @!#$@#$ from him.

 

Let him suffer for his choices. Let him see what life is like outside of his little affair bubble.

 

And...I'd heartily suggest you steer your SIL towards some good information. Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. Have her log on to the marriagebuilders.com website, and look thru their free material there...have her read about plan A, plan B, emotional needs, the lovebank, etc... There is a TON of good info she can use to come up with a gameplan on dealing with her wayward husband, and how she can try to fight to save her marriage.

 

BUT...tell her to steer clear of the forum there...she'd be better off coming here for support than there, IMHO.

 

What your brother has done isn't that rare...my wife's emotional affair went from online acquaintence to soulmate in about two months. This isn't that uncommon at all.

 

Hope this can help your SIL in some way.

[Geishawhelk]

I see what you're all saying, and with elaboration I actually do get your points.

I should have mentioned this, but the more I 'heard' the more I began to see this.

 

my point is, that she's absolutely right to have an opinion and verdict on her brother's actions. In view of her history with her father, even more so.

I just wanted her to consider not cutting him off emotionally all together.

 

Though the more this develops, the more I can see how easy he makes it.

 

Thanks guys.

 

great inputs from everyone, I think......

[Angel1111]

Your SIL is, and will always be, a part of you and your family - whether or not she and your brother stay married or not. If I were your SIL, I wouldn't take your brother back right away, if ever. I think it's fine to be in the non-judgemental and supportive role, but I don't agree that that means lying to your brother and telling him that you're ok with what he has done, or placate him by telling him what he wants to hear. He needs to know that his actions have offended and disappointed you.

 

I agree with you that he'll come crawling back at some point but your SIL would be nuts to take him back that quickly. He needs to have time to find his lost self and know for sure that he still wants to be in his marriage. Your SIL needs to think about what she really wants and what is really best for her and the kids.

 

This is the problem with high school sweethearts - people are often too young to make good decisions about a lifelong partner at that age and they tend to grow apart, instead of together, because they didn't get a chance to grow up on their own. I think it was a mistake for him to start taking anti-depressants just because he was bummed about losing his job. So what? Deal with it. It sounds very much like your SIL was babying him, instead of expecting more mature behavior out of him.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I read the OP and ran briefly through some of the responses.

 

What I can't quite figure is what happened to your brother. He's tossing a family out the window after years of marriage. Could he be going through some sort of mid-life crisis. You say he lost his job. Laid off? Fired?

Is he into drugs?

 

I've seen it before where men leave wife's but it is usually over something, be it physical or mental abuse, drugs, sexual, etc.

 

What your saying is he lost his job, smoked a lot of cigs, and spent his spare time on the internet and chatting with a fling from years past. Eventually he leaves everyone to be with a this woman.

WTF !

[LucreziaBorgia]

My prediction? In under three months, he'll be slinking back home begging to be let back in.

[Owl]

I read the OP and ran briefly through some of the responses.

 

What I can't quite figure is what happened to your brother. He's tossing a family out the window after years of marriage. Could he be going through some sort of mid-life crisis. You say he lost his job. Laid off? Fired?

Is he into drugs?

 

I've seen it before where men leave wife's but it is usually over something, be it physical or mental abuse, drugs, sexual, etc.

 

What your saying is he lost his job, smoked a lot of cigs, and spent his spare time on the internet and chatting with a fling from years past. Eventually he leaves everyone to be with a this woman.

WTF !

 

This is actually pretty much "affair 101". Affairs often start like this...with the BS in some deep depression over a life event, and then the affair suddenly blossoms like a wildfire.

 

My wife's EA progressed in much the same fashion, as have many of the situations I've read about on this site and others.

 

And, the predictions that it will 'crash and burn' within an equally short time are very probable as well.

[carhill]

OP, reflecting on your post, this is one of those times I'd get on a plane and spend a few days with that family I stayed with all summer last year. I'm sure they could use the moral support. Yes, I know it's about 10-12 hours away. Or, really, only 10-12 hours away.

 

Your brother has his path. Sometimes, even with those we love, we have to let them go. Perhaps, in time, he will find his way back. I hope so

[signedin2008]

However this turns out, it's none of your business.

All you can do is offer unconditional support to both your bro and SiL and the kids, not take sides, and weather it as best you can.

 

She is his sister not some neighbor. It's FAMILY. Ofcourse it's her business. If she's supporting her brother with his affair and betrayal, and if she has a conscience, she won't be able to live with herself and don't be surprise if her sister in law and her kids decide to have nothing to do with her too and they have every right to be.

[Info SuperThighway]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Really...it's nice for ME to have someone to talk to too!

 

OWL: You hit it right on the head, I love my brother, but hate what he is doing. I mean, if he was really that unhappy, and wanted a change in his life, that's FINE. I would understand. But there are good ways to go about that situation, and then there are ways suitable for Jerry Springer. This was NOT a good way.

 

Angel: Yes, they are high school sweethearts but they came into this marriage older and more mature. They lost contact after high school. My SIL loved him very much but one day way back when (late 70's or early 80s) they were at a party together and she saw how heavy my bro was getting into dope. She hit the road and told him if he got his act together and cleaned up to look her up....she wouldn't tolerate someone out of control.

 

Well, he didn't get cleaned up, spent a decade on drugs. After a failed marriage and child to another drug addict - suddenly fate turned and somehow they ran into each other again. They were in their 30's when they got married. Bro flew straight because he knew she wouldn't put up with it (like I said, she's a tough lady - no babying here - but she has been concerned about him lately, trust me, he is acting like a person we don't even know!) so he's been clean since because she'd hit the door if he wasn't.

 

And that's how it has been, I've seen my bro come and go with a lot of women, but he would use them as doormats. But this woman, my SIL was the only one who could keep him in line. He's spent the past 16 years being something I admired, a family man who cared about his wife and kids and put family first. But now he's turned his back on everything.

 

As far as my own contact with my bro since this came out, I've only really spoken to him once - on Christmas my Dad called and then did the whole "Oh, here's your brother" and put him on the phone quickly. I guess he had been trying not to talk to me because he knows I love the kids and my SIL and I wouldn't approve. I started out by saying Merry Christmas, he did too...and then he says "Okay, so you wanna hear the story?" I keep calm and say "Sure, go ahead".

 

He goes on and on about how he was so unhappy and he has been for years, they've been having problems, yadda yadda and this OW is the one for him and "it wasn't just about the #"!¤" and how he had "lost her twice in his life" and how "she got away" (which is really strange, because he always said SIL was the one who got away all his life, and how happy he was to find her again.)

 

All I said was, no matter what you do you are my brother and I love you....and he gets all excited and says "That's what I want to hear!" but then I have to point out I think he is making a huge mistake. He keeps trying to justify his actions by how horrible his wife has been, but I told him flat out 16 years and 2 kids - she deserved a better ending and more respect than that. Then I tell him that no matter what he thinks of his wife, his kids will be his forever and he needs to understand that - and reminded him how we don't respect our own father because of this very issue. Then he starts on a tyrade saying "Your brother is just a scumbag, huh?" and stuff. I can tell he was hoping I was going to be receptive to his comment "it will be okay - you'll just have 2 SIL's by the time you move back."

 

He really has this crazy illusion in his head - he thinks that all this will blow over, he'll have his new love and the kids will be over there and there will be happy thanksgivings with the kids and the OW, etc. He blames SIL for the kids reactions toward him, but between us...it isn't her. They're old enough and they see the pain going on and they're both teens now - they don't approve and it isn't SIL making them hate daddy - in fact, quite the opposite, she's hoping the kids will at least be able to still have their father no matter what happens to them and have tried to talk with them. But I know my nieces, if they get a grudge they will hold on to it.

 

I guess the biggest thing about his behaviour bothering me is he isn't manning up to what he did. Yes, it was awful, and he was caught red-handed...but his running around and trying to make it everyone else's fault is the killer for me....

 

THAT is why I love, but do not RESPECT my own father. I'm a woman who could forgive him for what he did to me and my mother. BUT if I was to ask him about it, to this day he will go on about how he did the right thing and it wasn't his fault. My father will never admit his infedelity was wrong - and now my brother is taking the same path. It is really scary.

 

As far as me, I spend most of my time talking with my SIL and nieces every day. He is usually at the OW's and nobody knows where that is and how to contact him. He sends the occasional email but does not call. He promised the kids to come over two days last week...one family outing and for his birthday which fell a few days after Christmas, but he stood them up both times and hung out with the OW.

 

And all this, and the affair has only been found out for like a week. He's burning bridges left and right, and he should know first hand his actions now will affect his relationship with his kids for the rest of his life, I'm trying to help but he doesn't want to hear it. Since our talk, he's cut off communication with me. But that's okay...I understand that he isn't going to want to talk with me unless I tell him what he wants to hear (That all is okay, and I'm so happy that he found his OW and I can't wait to meet her and make her a part of the family), but that is HIS choice.

[Owl]

Actually, GW's posts are very well thought out, and insightful.

 

And if you read further down, she considered the responses that everyone gave and noted the merit in them.

 

Slow down, my friend. Don't be so quick to judge harshly.

[signedin2008]

I suggest that your SIL go complete no contact with your brother and deal with communication regards to the kids and finances only and via a mediator who's not a family member. She needs to be removed from the drama and all the crap that's comming out of his mouth. If she choose to file for divorce, she has every right to do so, legally, ethically, biblically.

 

My prediction is that the affair will fade within a year and he would want to come back. It's all up to your SIL if she want him back or move on to a non-cheater where she will feel safe.

[Owl]

I think your SIL should go to the marriagebuilders website I suggested...she needs to initiate a SOLID "plan A". You can get the basics of that from their free material.

 

"Plan B" (NC with specific stipulations on what's required to end it) should occur after a stellar "plan A" has not worked.

[carhill]

OP, any possibility of getting SIL in here? Better to deal first-hand, IMO. Even if she just reads...

[signedin2008]

Actually, GW's posts are very well thought out, and insightful.

 

And if you read further down, she considered the responses that everyone gave and noted the merit in them.

 

Slow down, my friend. Don't be so quick to judge harshly.

 

I was not judging GW but her post which was stupid and anything but insightful. It seems like it came from someone with low morals.

 

Once again, I said it how it is.