loveleen Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 heres my story that i previously posted on a different fourm on september 29th. my ex and i were together for about almost two years and were each other's first loves. we were extremely happy and loving and spent every minute together until he started to drift and wanted his "space" he started to lie about where he was and flaked out on me countless times. he ended up breaking up with me because i became possesive because i felt him drifting and iddnt want to lose him.. big mistake. but after we broke up i found out he cheated on me for three months straight.. from february 08 to the end of our relationship in april 08. the reason why he cheated on me is extremely bizzarre and its hard to believe but its 100% true. his cousin was lesbian and liked her best friend(who liked guys more) that she kissed. his cousin asked my ex to please pretend to date her best friend so that her best friend wouldn't meet a guy and leave her for him. so my ex is a push over and agreed to help.. it was supposed to be innocent but he kissed her throughout the entire three months. but nothing more... i became friends with the girl and we three-wayed and he told both of us she was nothing to him.. he had no feelings for her; he was just helping his cousin. after we broke up i did the terroizing and calling and begging and all that stuff im not supposed to.. but after a week i stopped and didnt talk to him for about three weeks? i met a new guy he was great! treated me well but i thought it was way too soon to date.. but of course when my ex found out i had a new guy he came back and wanted to be "best friends" i ended up leaving the new guy and running back to my ex.. we dated on and off until the end of july.. thats where he met a new girl he told me he didnt want things AGAIN. so i stopped talking to him for about ONE WEEK and found out he was dating her.. its funny beause i think i made them want to date each other because i was trying to keep them apart.. big mistake on my half i feel so dumb. so now they have been together for two months.. and once again he is back in my life and doesnt want to lose me as a FRIEND because "i mean alot to him and made him who he is today" this past week we hung out and not to my surprise, we got intimate. he cheated on his new girlfriend with me.. but then two days later he told me he regret it and begged me not to tell her because he really cares about her.. i asked him why is it that you tell me you love me and miss me and care for me so much, more than her but you still chose to stay with her instead of coming back to me? he tells me "i know that if we get back together things would be perfect and we'd be happy but i want to try something new.. and why should i end things with her if she hasn't done anything to me that i should end things with her" okay so back to the pressent.. since then, my ex and i were in contact again and he was cheating on her for about a month til he came clean and told her he cheated on her with me on oct 19th. a few days later, she took him back, and he cut me out again saying "get out of my life i never want to talk to you ever again" i left him alone for about a weeek and then we came in contact once again. and then he was cheating on her AGAIN til just this past week. he ended it with me on dec 23.. the story was that he was coming back the second time because he knew how important i was to him and that he still didnt know if it was really her he wanted to be with so he made up a plan for our 2 year anniversary, it would be the deadline to determin whether or not he would come back to me or stay with her... ugh so we were doing really well from november to recently in dec.. we were intimate and there were a few incidents where i almost slipped and confessed to her that he was cheating because there was so much anger and guilt.. but he would beg me not to tell her so i didnt. we would go out on dates and his friends knew he was cheating and so did many people that went to his school.. but she is from another school. he would tell me that i was on his mind even when he was with her and that i was the one hed always be thinking about going to on the 22nd because he couldnt imagine not having me in his life.. and i believe everything he said.. i thought that this time maybe it would be different and maybe he would actually come back to me after nine grueling months. three days before the 22nd, we were out on a date and he had broken up with her for their own reasons; she was arguing with him alot.. and so he said "you should be happy because you have the upper hand now" and i was happy inside but didnt want to show it too much on the outside because i was scared to get hurt because of everything he put me through.. and so on the 22nd.. he did not call. i was angry and i called him and i asked how he could not choose me after all the things he said to me saying i was "higher" and that he would choose me most likely and alla that kinda stuff.. but then he says well when i was thinking last night around 2am i changed my mind... i just dont think things will work out. ugh we argued for hours! and finally he said nvm im still not sure yet and so he took me to watch a movie and eat sushi and even called me when we went home. we talked for two hourss and he went to bed telling me hed call later around 11.. but then he called at 230 am crying because he had supposedly got in a fight with his dad? he is a compulsive liar and so i did not believe him because he always pulls the "in trouble with dad" card.. hes done that lying about his dad taking away his cell when he really had it all along.. anyway i think he did that because he knew he was supposed to call but was really on the phone with her trying to get back with her.. so he tells me hes going to sleep and hell call me the next day.. but then his friend starts to text me asking "when was the last time 'bob' cheated?" and i didnt resppond because i usually talk to my ex about it first so we can think of an answer together.. so i try to call his home but he is not home.. and he supposedly didnth ave his cell phone so i jjust forgot about it.. but then later on he asked again saying "were you with him on friday" i was. but did not answer.. and finally he calls me and i didnt answer then texts me saying "im with bob" "so you lied, you never slept with him! he never cheated" and called back thinking what?! and he tells me im with bob right now! and he said he was only dating you because you made him and you guys never had sex. (which was extremely false. we were intimate numerous times! i lost count!) and i was shocked asking him to pass the phone to my ex but he refused and i found out he had his cellphone all along.. and that was the last time i heard from my ex.. i havent talked to him for a week but i am extremely sad but still coping with this.. i know people always tell me "hes a bad guy you're bbetter off without a jerk like that" thats why i think im addicted to my ex.. i miss him and i keep thinking maybe hell come back again since he did last time when he said "i never want to talk to you ever again" im not sure the no contact thing works for him to comeback permanetly because he does come back, but he always ends up leaving! i dont know what to do! sorry that this was so long! i had to leave details out and its still long! hahah
Geishawhelk Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 i havent talked to him for a week but i am extremely sad but still coping with this.. i know people always tell me "hes a bad guy you're bbetter off without a jerk like that" thats why i think im addicted to my ex.. i miss him and i keep thinking maybe hell come back again since he did last time when he said "i never want to talk to you ever again" im not sure the no contact thing works for him to comeback permanetly because he does come back, but he always ends up leaving! i dont know what to do! sorry that this was so long! i had to leave details out and its still long! hahah I'm having to bite my tongue here, but you're as bad as each other. There is no addiction here, there's disrespect and lack of will-power. Your behaviour is thoughtless, selfish and simply serves to create more pain; the two of you need some sense knocked into you. You are doing this to yourself, and perpetuating the problem because you want to. You're buying in to his crappy behaviour, because it feels good, and he's doing the same. do everyone a favour, and either stay together, or stay apart. It's very easy, actually. Tell him to take a hike, and mean it. Then, just don't respond, you cut all contact and refuse to have anything else to do with him. Sorted. But of course you won't. Because - you don't want to.
atwitsend Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I agree with Geisha. You guys need to be together, if only to keep you guys out of the general population. You are scary. How in the world could you imagine your life is normal in anyway. You just throw out "we had a threeway" like it means nothing at all.
Author loveleen Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 oh my goodness. i meant "three way" as in a conference call! not as in anything sexuall! id never do that. yikesssss
Author loveleen Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 But of course you won't. Because - you don't want to. i think a part of me wants to but then there is a part of me that is scared to let go because im afraid that i wont meet anyone else.. and that no one else will love me like he used to.. i dont know. i thought this fourm would help me but now im feeling crappy esp since someone called me scary
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You are all being a bit hard on this girl. She is young, in school, this is her first love and they made it to nearly 2 years (if i'm right) before things became weird? (May have read it wronly...) In which case, the relationship was once good and then changed and you put up with this and with him because you hoped he would change back? However the relationship once was, it seems he has become different and is clearly volleying between the two of you. If you really love someone it doesn't take 9 months to decide if you want to be with them - you want to be with them straight away and you certainly don't want anyone else. He is keeping you both on hold. He probably does still have some feelings for you - even if it's just lust, and he wants to hold onto what you had but balance it with a newer, more exciting and innovating experience. The point is, if as he says you two could be perfect and happy, he shouldn't need to have what's new and exciting. Or if he does, he needs to make a choice. Sometimes we want so many things that one person can't encompass them all. This is where we make sacrifices. We accept and are greatful for what we have rather than wandering around cheating and having bits on the side. He is young and maybe needs to try out more before he can commit and settle in a long-term relationship. I guess this was the crunch for you where he decided he couldn't hack it. Honeymoon's over, reality sets in. You also mentioned he is a compulsive liar so how can you trust a word he says to you?
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 i think a part of me wants to but then there is a part of me that is scared to let go because im afraid that i wont meet anyone else.. and that no one else will love me like he used to.. i dont know. i thought this fourm would help me but now im feeling crappy esp since someone called me scary Don't be scared. Try to ignore the harsh opinions. Your feelings and thoughts are yours - no-one can fully understand them. And sometimes we let people treat us badly because as you said we think there is nothing better, nothing more. We are insecure and really love them. And the thought of someone else beating what you had with him is incomprehensible. I fully understand that fear. You need to begin to recognise you need and deserve much more. As soon as you can do this - your decision will become easier.
Sexy Kitty Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 oh my goodness. i meant "three way" as in a conference call! not as in anything sexuall! id never do that. yikesssss LOL - I thought that is what you meant too at first but then I thought about it and realized you probably meant a phone conversation. Best thing to do is cut off all ties with him. Him seeing another girl and you sleeping with him isn't good. He needs to make up his mind on who he wants. I'm doing the NC approach with my ex. It's hard but if he wants to talk he knows how to find me. I'm done chasing him.
Author loveleen Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 You are all being a bit hard on this girl. She is young, in school, this is her first love and they made it to nearly 2 years (if i'm right) before things became weird? (May have read it wronly...) In which case, the relationship was once good and then changed and you put up with this and with him because you hoped he would change back? However the relationship once was, it seems he has become different and is clearly volleying between the two of you. If you really love someone it doesn't take 9 months to decide if you want to be with them - you want to be with them straight away and you certainly don't want anyone else. He is keeping you both on hold. He probably does still have some feelings for you - even if it's just lust, and he wants to hold onto what you had but balance it with a newer, more exciting and innovating experience. The point is, if as he says you two could be perfect and happy, he shouldn't need to have what's new and exciting. Or if he does, he needs to make a choice. Sometimes we want so many things that one person can't encompass them all. This is where we make sacrifices. We accept and are greatful for what we have rather than wandering around cheating and having bits on the side. He is young and maybe needs to try out more before he can commit and settle in a long-term relationship. I guess this was the crunch for you where he decided he couldn't hack it. Honeymoon's over, reality sets in. You also mentioned he is a compulsive liar so how can you trust a word he says to you? thanks for understanding my pain and not judging me for the mistakes ive made i agree that i think that he is not ready to commit since he couldnt just be faithful to one girl and appreciate how well he was being treated even though he was the one that didnt deserve it most! and the fact that he was a compulsive liar was a big factor in us not working out and always arguing when we would try to get back together because everytime i would just stop b*tching and trust his word, hed just prove himself wrong and i would catch him lying once again -__- its just that i keep hoping maybe this time he will change or okay yes hes messed up but maybe this time is different! god, im so dumb. he gave me so much false hope and i just ate it all up! i wish i couldve done things differently but i have to accept the situation now! im trying my best to move on now.. it just hurts thinking that maybe hes actually changing and commiting to her after everything ive done for him for FOUR years in total! oh god, life just isnt fair haha
Author loveleen Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 LOL - I thought that is what you meant too at first but then I thought about it and realized you probably meant a phone conversation. Best thing to do is cut off all ties with him. Him seeing another girl and you sleeping with him isn't good. He needs to make up his mind on who he wants. I'm doing the NC approach with my ex. It's hard but if he wants to talk he knows how to find me. I'm done chasing him. hahahahha yeah i was embarassed that someone would actually think id do that kind of thing! this time seems easier to do the NC because ive been through this so many times with him already im used to it. i just hope that i dont start missing him and call him gahh im just keeping myself busy and not looking at his web pages on myspace and not talking to any of my friends that have anything to do with him because its only bound to happen that they will speak of him and what he has been up to and i just dont want to hear anything about it! i just want to know what you guys think.. from all the times hes been hot and then cold.. coming and then going.. is he going to try to come back to me again once him and his new girlfriend get to another plateu and he is bored? or am i giving myself a little too much false hope at this point? im not saying i want to get back with a slime ball like him but just out of my curiousity!
Geishawhelk Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 There are no rules that life should be fair...! two things I have learnt, which might apply here: ONE: Everybody's got the right to be a damn fool for five minutes a day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit. TWO: They are not a fool, who makes mistakes. They are a fool who does not learn from them. I think these 4 years prove you've had your share of "5 minutes a day"..... Now learn something: You can still walk away form this with some pride, dignity and self-respect intact, if you do it, do it now and do it thoroughly. There are hundreds of people on here who have gone No Contact. They will attest to how difficult it is, but ultimately, it's the only way. Those countless others who broke NC - will tell you how foolish they were to do so, and how hard it is to re-start it - because breaking NC takes you right back to square one. And one more thing: If he tries to break no contact - with something as trite, trivial and slight as "hey, what's up?" DO NOT ANSWER!! NEVER, EVER, EVER!! Never, ever give them the weaponry they need, to dangle you on a string or yank your chain! It will only kill you!! Ready.....steady..... GO!!
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