bodie124 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I guess you could say I've been in a unique, but not uncommon situation. I was in a relationship for 5 years, which started when I was in high school. Since then my life has revolved around this person, and we just recently (a few weeks ago) broke it off. Since we were dating while we were in college, I keep wondering if I "missed" the social development stage that goes along with being alone and in college. I have a handful of friends, but not the huge social networks it looks like other people have. I also struggle at small talk. I want to be interesting. I feel like I am somewhat good looking but I know it means nothing without personality and confidence to go along with it. How can I stop comparing myself to other people and their social prowess? I keep asking myself how I stack up to my friends, which I know is not right, and it feels like it is inhibiting me from moving forward. I've been invited to parties by friends, but when I go I often get this feeling like I don't know anyone so there's nothing to do or say. How can I help it so that I don't look like I'm desperate for friendship at parties or get togethers? Do friend making abilities come with practice? Is it my mindset that needs an immediate change or is there something else wrong with me?
MWH Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I can relate to how you're feeling. Maybe, instead of going to parties to meet people and interact, you could go to events that are focussed on one of your hobbies or something like that. You know- if you're a musician go to a workshop on your instrument or an open jam/open mic night. I like gardening so in the spring I'm going to go to some workshops on gardening. That way I'll be around people with whom I have things in common. I think that will make a big difference. Just because this topic sank like a stone doesn't mean no one cares. Post any time you have something to say ok? Cool! Peace, MWH
sally4sara Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 There is something I noticed about people at parties and bars. They're all being, to some degree or another, fake. They are all being fake because they are insecure and feeling inferior. They talk a lot. Mostly about themselves, but only about what they want you to see and think in regards to them. The moment you realize this, you stop comparing yourself to them.
Author bodie124 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Sorry guys I didn't mean to sound like I was blubbering, which is how it came out. MWH I really appreciate your being kind and straightforward with me. What you both are saying does make sense though. I feel like the reason I haven't "gone out" to bars a lot is because I don't have a lot in common with people that go out to bars. I am not against it, but I just don't normally feel comfortable there. I guess I'm the kind of person that likes to find myself talking to people opportunistically, not desperately seeking their attention. I guess I am still in this stage of the breakup where I am trying to fill the void, looking for the quick fix.
Surfer Dude Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 College parties? I hope your idea of fun isn't seeing a bunch of drunks dudes and chicks doing stupid stuff and drinking themselves to death, cause that's exactly what happens there. I made some of my best friends through work contacts and back when I was a kid in high school. I don't have many friends, but these that I have are real gems and I wouldn't trade them for anything. It's better to have a few good ones than a bunch of acquaintances you don't care about and vice versa. Making friends is natural, you'll meet someone at the places you least expect to meet them, I never made any friends at parties or when hanging out on saturday nights.
Author bodie124 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 College parties? I hope your idea of fun isn't seeing a bunch of drunks dudes and chicks doing stupid stuff and drinking themselves to death, cause that's exactly what happens there. I made some of my best friends through work contacts and back when I was a kid in high school. I don't have many friends, but these that I have are real gems and I wouldn't trade them for anything. It's better to have a few good ones than a bunch of acquaintances you don't care about and vice versa. Making friends is natural, you'll meet someone at the places you least expect to meet them, I never made any friends at parties or when hanging out on saturday nights. I hear you. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me not being able to relate to people in bars or at college parties. I too had some good friends back in high school, and friends I've met in college were not met at bars or parties. I guess I just thought I needed to compensate somehow for my lack of social involvement and I thought mistakingly that parties or bars were somehow the answer.
peacebyinches Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 How was your relationship with your mother? I ask because thats a big part of where we got our confindence and boundaries from. Reason I know that is therapy. I lost my mother at 6 and had to teach it to myself. If it is that bad for you I would recommend a therapist. You dont need a real reason. It is just someone to help you sort out life problems and it sounds like you got a legitimate one if you are failing to socialize.
Author bodie124 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 How was your relationship with your mother? I ask because thats a big part of where we got our confindence and boundaries from. Reason I know that is therapy. I lost my mother at 6 and had to teach it to myself. If it is that bad for you I would recommend a therapist. You dont need a real reason. It is just someone to help you sort out life problems and it sounds like you got a legitimate one if you are failing to socialize. Both of my parents were fairly distant growing up. In fact, thats funny you mention it because my mother is actually pretty introverted herself. I like the idea of a therapist. I want nothing more than to be one of those people that seem so confident in their own skin, I can see how the vibe sheds off onto others.
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