not_a_happy_camper Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Everyone seems to say that the best thing to do to get over someone is distract yourself. And that is a very good point. But my situation is that for the past few months, I have been unemployed and living at home. Partly through choice (my dad has not been well, and I wanted to help out) (this put some strain on the relationship) and the few jobs I went for didn’t work out. (I was offered one in the town my ex lives in, a week after we broke up…………that place is way too small). It’s a long long and boring story. I’m looking for work elsewhere now, and feeling positive about that. We had a long distance relationship. We saw each other every weekend. The trouble is now, that I’ve been going out with my own friends a lot more at weekends, which has been great……………..to a point. Part of what attracted me to my ex was how much fun he was, how much fun I had with him. We had amazing chemistry. When we danced, it felt like there was no one else there. So I’ve been trying to distract myself by going out lots with my friends. Who I love very dearly. And they’ve been so good to me these past few weeks. But sometimes when I’m with them I find his absence all the more obvious if that makes sense? Is this just part of adapting to a huge change? This was my first relationship, first break-up. It’s hard to see where the fun is going to come from again……………..i’m not having so much of that lately. And regarding seeing anyone else…………I’ve always found it hard meeting guys. I’m looking around, admiring…………but that’s as far as it goes, I have no interest. I’m still so caught up in feelings for this one person who meant so much. I haven’t put him on a pedestal. He hurt me. But I’ve never clicked with anyone the way I clicked with him. Everyone tells me he’ll regret his decision to leave me. That I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Is that just one of those things people say to make me feel better? Because I believe that to an extent………….. but again, false hopes as far as I’m concerned!
starzphalling Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 personally distracting myself does not work. it just gets put into the back of my head to fester. I tend to go to the other extreme, and obsess. If i think about it long enough, i start to see the things in the relationship that I could have done without, or what i would have changed, which in turn helps me see that if i need to change so many things, or hope that a person changes, that it obviously wasn't right for me, and its ok to let it go. and yes that does make sense, its feeling alone in a crowd, because you're missing that person that you lean over and whisper a joke in their ear, or that you casually lean on while listening to a friend tell a story. Yes its part of a huge change, its a pattern of behavior that you got used to - think about your morning routine, you shower then brush your teeth, would it feel weird for a while if you brushed your teeth then showered? (i know that sounds absolutely retarded to compare a relationship to a shower, but it makes sense to me) About your friends telling you he will regret it, yes and no its just a nice thing to say. Chances are if they are your friends they're pissed at him for making you unhappy, and want him to get his. They also want to try to lift you up and are looking for things to say, when really we all know nothing someone else says (unless its that ex begging you to take them back because they were stupid and are madly in love with you) is going to change the thoughts running through your head.
Riffmeister General Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Hey, Everyone seems to be hitting the same things I'm getting, and I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and here's what I've come up with that might apply to your situation. I'm in Canada on a year's working visa. I'd known my ex for years, but we only got together after I'd come out here (yeah, I know, just read my 'A brutal breakup' post for the full story). We were fine with this long-distance thing, just perfect. Then I got dumped on the second day of her visit here that we'd both been looking forward to so much. Anyway, my thoughts are that I'm hurting this much because I'm in a foreign country away from my friends, and she was literally the only consistent company I had, emails, video calls all the time. Now she's gone, a big bit of what I miss is how she stopped me feeling lonely. Now I feel I have no-one. I have some friends here, but they all work a lot, so I'm alone a lot of the time. What I've done in the 2 days since the breakup is as much as possible! I've gone snowboarding every day, I'm actually going out tonight, been climbing etc etc, and it really has helped. No doubt too getting a job will really help, but that's easier said than done, eh? Anyway, my point is (I'm sorry, I ramble), be really grateful for your friends being around, I'd lose an arm to have them with me now. Yes, you feel an empty space when you're with them, well guess what, that's natural! But it would be so much more painful to just lock yourself away from your mates. These things like 'keep busy' aren't a cure, they help alleviate symptoms. Nothing can completely mask the massive change we're all going through. Yes, it's hard to see yourself having any fun, but one day, you'll stop and think 'Hey, I'm having fun again!' As for being interested in someone else, wow, that can take MONTHS. After my first dumping, it was 6 months before I was even looking. Use this time to do some things for yourself, use the advantages of being single, it's underrated! You won't see it coming, it'll just happen, and you need to keep going out with mates until it does, DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! I haven't! P.S. A mate of mine told me my ex just made the biggest mistake of her life, "You're awesome!" If friends told you that, they mean it, and it's probably true. The worst thing you can do in a break-up is degrade yourself or think less of yourself, and him saying that to me actually made me shed a tear. It was totally what I needed to hear. Those damn Aussies and their straight talking!
Joker77 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I notice trouble starts for me when I'm sitting around my house thinking. Tonight, I took a nap for a bit and then hit the gym for an hour and a half. I feel really good now. It's been three weeks NC with the exception of her texting me happy bday and me responding a week ago. For some reason tonight, it's not really bothering me as much. I want to keep it that way. I'll just keep hitting the gym and working on trying to find a better job.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I threw myself into keeping busy. Out all day, out all night. Went to bed late, woke up early. Whenever I slept, I dreamnt of him. I felt happier at times but overall I just thought of him. If I was at a club i'd think...he might be at a club night looking at/flirting with girls. And i'm at a club moping of him. I had a level of competativeness to my thinking, worrying that he was feeling better, advancing further, that he was happier, doing more - partly why I kept so busy. Sometimes it felt better to be out, sometimes just more depressing - just seeing endless guys who couldn't be him or give me what he could and so many sleezes, cheats, liars, the clubbing scene did me no good! You meet no decent men that way!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 I threw myself into keeping busy. Out all day, out all night. Went to bed late, woke up early. Whenever I slept, I dreamnt of him. I felt happier at times but overall I just thought of him. If I was at a club i'd think...he might be at a club night looking at/flirting with girls. And i'm at a club moping of him. I had a level of competativeness to my thinking, worrying that he was feeling better, advancing further, that he was happier, doing more - partly why I kept so busy. Sometimes it felt better to be out, sometimes just more depressing - just seeing endless guys who couldn't be him or give me what he could and so many sleezes, cheats, liars, the clubbing scene did me no good! You meet no decent men that way! That's exactly how i felt when i was out last night! All i see is sleazy drunk men falling all over the place, so not attractive!!! That was another thing that attracted me to my ex, the night we met, he wasn't drinking. we just clicked and chatted for hours. and he was the only guy i've ever known NOT to try anything on with me! guess it was another 'you always want what you can't have"!!! I just felt respect straight from the outset, but that was to diminish half way through the relationship. but that's it, i compare every guy i see to him, and i keep saying, he's not on a pedestal. he hurt me. but he was so good to me in other ways, how am i going to find someone like that again? I have been trying to keep busy, but with the lack of employment it hasn't been easy. i'm involved in theatre at the moment though, finding singing loudly to be a great release! and meeting new people is interesting! have to say to that being able to tap out stuff here too has really helped. knowing there are people in the same boat.............a lot of my friends are in first relationships too, and don't seem to quite grasp how crap i've been feeling, though it's not up to them to make it better. that's up to me, and i have found a great outlet here. thanks to all for the replies! i know what you mean about competitiveness too..................he has a job.............not happy in it, but also has a network of really good friends where he works, who became my friends too and now i can't see them. (was long distance) i miss the fun i had with them all. he know's my friends aren't as outgoing. he knows i have no job, and i'm living at home (see reasons above). so he has more distraction straight away. it's poo.
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