danny407 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Hello again! Some of you may remember me and some may not. I started a story over a month ago about the hardest time in my life. As some may recall my wife left me. I have been struggling with this for over a month now. Also as a refresher you might recall on how I told you she met a “guy” friend at work whom she has occasionally hangs out with, so she states. She is one of the types who is ready to talk when she’s ready and not a minute sooner. So we have been living apart I’m living with the kids at my relatives home and she is staying with her female friend from what I understand. She picks up the kids and they stay with her a few days out of the week. We don’t get time for one another which puts the whole reconcile thing in the dumper. We have done some family things together though. So I am still confused a bit. I mentioned on Christmas that I was considering divorce if things didn’t not change in this, “Separation” as I don’t like the idea of this “guy” friend. Also the way it is now we can hardly work anything out it seems. Anytime I approach the subject of us she feels like making like Carl Lewis and bolting. She just wants to hang when it’s convenient and chill. We do still have relations which boggle me even more. I mean if she was having an affair, you would think she would not be with me in this way?? As of right now my contact seems to be more cell phone related than anything really. I keep saying to myself do I try to stick it out? Will or am I being played? Should I just contact lawyer and get it over with even though I don’t have any money lol? I’m so lost don’t know which way to turn. One minute I’m like screw her and this bull, next I’m like desperate to talk to her. I mean with these conditions what does a guy do? Stay the course? Maybe go full FYOU and get the lawyer? I want to say thank you to you Loveshackers out there! You have helped me a lot through this terrible time.I’m very lonely and just need a buddy to chat with lol. Like Gunny says Time to be a ALFA-MALE and get out of being a BETA! Take care all.
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 First off, stop making love to her. That's just crazy and you are putting yourself at risk, big time! Get checked for STD's since she is with another man too. Definately talk to the lawyer. Since she has shown you that she isn't interested in making the marriage work, or giving it another chance, go ahead and make plans to divorce. If you don't, you'll be stuck in this holding pattern wondering WTF for many months to come. Right now she has it great. She can come spend time with you and be around the kids, have family time when SHE feels like it. On her terms, her time frame..Not when you need her or want to talk to her. Talk about a free ride.. Sorry you're in pain, but the sooner you end this, cut her off not only physically but emotionally as well, you'll be back in control. Possibly when she sees you put a plan in action, she'll want to do counselling and fix things. How serious are her and the OM?
teerockness Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Good to hear from you, good to see a check-in... I can't give super clear advice since the situation seems a little murky. For me, instead of going ballistic and calling the lawyer, or keeping on the path you're on, I'd choose a middle ground. Maybe set a "date certain" at which point counseling and an honest attempt to save the marriage needs to be happening... otherwise, let's move forward with divorce. Your situation echoes mine to a large degree - a long slow painful separation that became final only when I put my foot down. As many others have said, there are other fish in the sea... and doubtless someone out there who would care for you too much to put you thru this sort of misery. Hang tough.
Author danny407 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Well I don't know for sure to be honest. But I suspect they are more than just friends. Sure I have no proof. But my kids have already met this guy and I know his name. I don't know much more than that. Looking at cell records is not going to work our mail is being sent to differnet locations and her names on the cell phone. (Long Story there) I already changed out my bank account, now I have my own account. She got pissed about that one lol. Wow that was a fight! Anyways I do relieze this is a god like position she is in here. Get the kids when she wants, hang when SHE wants. That's the part that is chapping my a$$. I mean when I need support or someone to talk to it's a dam burden on her. Like "OOh want do you need" and "Can't we talk about this later" and "I'm not sure what I want yet". Like the great destiny of our marriage is being decieded by her alone! I have no choice it seems. When she makes up her mind on it she will let me know if I need to hit the road or stay!! UUUUUUUUHHH!
signedin2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 It seems like she wants to sleep around for now but still get to see the kids and be a "mom" when it's convenient to her while keep you hanging while she's banging (someone else). Is that the woman you want to be your wife? Only you can answer that question.
steveraves Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 First off, stop making love to her. That's just crazy and you are putting yourself at risk, big time! Get checked for STD's since she is with another man too. Definately talk to the lawyer. Since she has shown you that she isn't interested in making the marriage work, or giving it another chance, go ahead and make plans to divorce. If you don't, you'll be stuck in this holding pattern wondering WTF for many months to come. Right now she has it great. She can come spend time with you and be around the kids, have family time when SHE feels like it. On her terms, her time frame..Not when you need her or want to talk to her. Talk about a free ride.. Sorry you're in pain, but the sooner you end this, cut her off not only physically but emotionally as well, you'll be back in control. Possibly when she sees you put a plan in action, she'll want to do counselling and fix things. How serious are her and the OM? I have to say this is good advice. My situation in some regards is very similar to yours except my wife to the best of my knowledge isn't seeing anyone. We separated back in April. Since then Ive constantly felt misled, manipulated, lied to. I have the kids during the week and she only sees them on the weekends. During the 8 month separation we'd have a few good weeks and then bad. I never really felt like she put much effort into saving our marriage. This situation of her coming and going when she wants to and leaving your life in limbo becomes very mentally tiring. I often feel my stbxw wants the good parts of being single and the good parts of being married but doesn't want to commit to either. After 8 months of this and never really seeing her put 100% into saving the marriage I've finally given up. I went to my lawyer had her do up the paperwork. I can't tolerate living life in limbo waiting for her to decide what she wants. I guess if were meant to be together again it will happen, but for now I need to move on. Good luck to you, but I think as long as she feels she can come and go as she pleases she'll continue.
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 As I just posted to another thread...the first step is to decide what YOU WANT out of all of this. Reconcile? Divorce? Decide what you want...THEN we can help you figure out a gameplan to get there. That's the "trick"... Pick a goal. Develop a plan to reach your goal. Implement your plan. Manage any changes and tweak your plan as needed, until you reach your goal.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 We do still have relations which boggle me even more. I mean if she was having an affair, you would think she would not be with me in this way?? More common than you think as many cheating spouses want to keep their options open. Sleeping with you keeps you close enough to be a fallback plan in case her "new" life doesn't pan out. If it sounds incredibly cold and manipulative, well... Mr. Lucky
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