I don't want to marry him...but I don't want to lose him

[keepquiet]

I have been with my boyfriend for around 2 years. Our realtionship is alright, we have had our conflicts and always seem to work through them. Things aren't as great as they used to be, but we have both stumbled across financial and family problems, so obviously it isn't all smooth sailing. But we love each other and definatly need each other right now.

 

Recently he has been saying that he wants to marry me. He is saying he is going to propose to me "one day". We are best friends, we live together, we know eachother very well....but I think that is the problem. I know him well enough that I know I don't want to marry this man. I can see myself being his partner for the long run in the future, but he is not the man I want to marry.

 

I definatley have a negative outlook on marriage. I see wives as people who are taken advantage of, cheated on, and lied to. I am afraid that is what would happen to me if I married my boyfriend. Not right away, but down the road definately. I am certain he hasn't cheated on me yet, but he has cheated on ex girlfriends (we were best friends before we hooked up). Marriage is too big of a committment to make with a person that I don't trust 100%.

 

If I were to marry someone someday, I would want a more wholesome man with stronger values and morals than my boyfriend. I want to marry a man with a better work ethic and family vlaues. My boyfriend can be immature, lazy, judgemental, and has proven himself to be unfaithful. But he does have a lot of wonderful qualities as well, which is why I am with him.

 

I have to tell my boyfriend how I feel before it's too late. He is 5 years older than me and his mother is pressuring him into marriage (she wants grandkids sooo bad) so he is in a different place than me, but I really don't think he is capable of settling down. The way our relationship is works for me. I love him and want to stay with him, but I know marrying him is the wrong thing to do for me. I know him well enough to know that he probabaly won't turn into what I consider husband material.

 

I have a feeling he will want to end the relationship because I'm not interested in marrying him. And it's not that I don't want to marry him now...I don't think I will ever want to. Not him. I love him and want to be his girlfriend. I think we could continue in a relationship for a long time, and I know I would be happy with that, but I don't know about him. I need help!

[Geishawhelk]

Yu need to tell him....

Maybe picking up a magazine, finding an article on marriage and picking it to pieces, or generally, quietly, surreptitiously laying hints that you never intend to get married - at least, not for the forseeable future....

But you need to tell him.

 

Do you want him to be the father of your children?

Do you even really want children?

[Geishawhelk]

Actully, reviewing your post again - You need to end this.

You are wasting both your time and his.

because I hate to say it, you don't seem to be as in love with him as he is with you, and you come across - sorry - as a user. He's a stopgap until someone better comes along, and that really is grossly unfair to him.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

so you don't want to marry him because of a bunch of bad things you mentioned, but you still want him to be your bf. does that seem fair to him?

[Mr. Lucky]

I can see myself being his partner for the long run in the future, but he is not the man I want to marry.

If I were to marry someone someday, I would want a more wholesome man with stronger values and morals than my boyfriend. I want to marry a man with a better work ethic and family vlaues. My boyfriend can be immature, lazy, judgemental, and has proven himself to be unfaithful.

Forget about him, I'm trying to understand this from your point of view. You don't give your age, so let's assume you're in your mid-20's. From what you're saying, you willing to spend what some would say are the best years of your life - "for the long run in the future" - with a man you don't really value, respect, trust or love?

 

Why would you want to do that ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nikki Sahagin]

I take it you are happy with him for now but have no intention with being for him in the future? If it's gotten serious on his part then you need to end the relationship.

[TabulaRasa]

From what you write, you don't seem to trust or respect him. That being the case, why be in a relationship with somebody you can't trust and don't respect? There's no reason to be with him, period, let alone be thinking about marriage. Think about your motivations.

[manugeorge]

All you need to do is turn the tables, put yourself in his shoes and you will see the gross error of your thinking.

 

"He is essentially good but just not quite good enough". How would you feel if he thought the same about you? Hurtful, isn't it?. He may not be your perfect cup of tea with all his flaws but I guarantee you there is someone else out there who will think the run rises and sets on his a**.

 

So do the honorable thing and just tell him you don't want to marry him now or ever. Stop wasting YOUR time and his also.

[Yamaha]

What you're saying is pretty selfish. He isn't good enough to marry but, for now, he fills your requirements. If he keeps pushing you for marriage things will turn sour so you might as well come clean and tell him how you feel.

[wav]

I definatley have a negative outlook on marriage. I see wives as people who are taken advantage of, cheated on, and lied to. .......Marriage is too big of a committment to make with a person that I don't trust 100%.

 

If I were to marry someone someday, I would want a more wholesome man with stronger values and morals than my boyfriend. I want to marry a man with a better work ethic and family vlaues. ....

 

I love him and want to be his girlfriend. I think we could continue in a relationship for a long time,

 

well, according to the first paragraph quoted above, you shouldn't marry anyone anyway, not just this one. as for the second paragraph quoted, how can you guarantee you will meet such a person? as for the last paragraph quoted, what would be the purpose of continuing the relationship for a long time?

[atwitsend]

Tell him. He is entitled to his dream too. And I am sure it doesn't include you living with him until you find someone you can trust 100%. I can just see it. You stay with him and use his love for another two or three years, and then mr. right comes along. And he gets the big dump. It's amazing that you want someone you can trust 100% and yet you can't be trusted. Or shouldn't be. What a hypocrite.

[Scottdmw]

I was in your boyfriend's situation and it devastated me. My ex-fiancee basically wanted to stay with me but didn't want to marry me and strung me along for years. I can't tell you how painful it was, or how much time more I've wasted agonizing over the lost time I spent with her. Two years later I still find myself wishing pain on her sometimes for what she did to me.

 

You really need to tell your boyfriend how you feel fully and honestly and let him decide if he still wants to stay with you.

 

Scott

[lonelygirl21]

You need to see a therapist because it seems like the problem is you. I dated my ex for 5years and we were high school sweethearts, and I did love him but I was scared of being married... I saw what my aunts', mom and grandmother went through and I did not want that life. My ex never cheated on me but I had a feeling since both of us at that time were young and did not date anyone else, that sometime in the future he might cheat on me. He proposed three times and I said no for the first two times and at the end I was dating someone else and married someone else. The problem was me. A week before I got married I was still not sure whether I wanted to get married. My marriage was rushed since I found out I was pregnant. Yes, my first year of marriage was horrible but I manage to invest 6 years...Yes we argue and have conflicts and it can be difficult. But I try to make it work since I have a child. Enough about me...If you have doubt you will never be happy. There is no perfect guy out there, you will always find one or two flaw which you do not like. Believe me, I too was looking for a perfect man but there is no such thing. I hope this helps. Take care..