Is it okay to ask about his ex

[wierdmunky]

I was thinking of asking my bf if he still had leftover feelings from his last relationship. He mentions her every once in a while, and I wouldn't be mad, just curious, and maybe help him feel better about me, Idk. But a stupid psychic told me he did, and was thinking of seeing us at the same time, and I didn't even mention her, and completely threw me off guard.

[wierdmunky]

we've been together 11 months. I'm kind of shy when it comes to him so he's still waiting for me to get out of my shell completely, but besides that we have a good relationship.

[PrincessPeach]

A psychic told you?!

 

Almost everyone has an ex... why should you be surprised that a psychic somehow knew that your boyfriend had an ex girlfriend?

 

Don't ask your boyfriend that, or anything else, about her.

[wierdmunky]

oh man, too late! yikes, I hope he doesn't think I' crazy

[wierdmunky]

alright, just wanted to say psychics are all fakes! I couldn't help but not take the advice given to me, and did the complete opposite, and in return had good outcomes, again, to the failure of the psychic, turned out to be more helpful than bad as he predicted.

[Tomcat33]

Of course you can ask about his ex. It's only natural you would want to know about his past. Why would you even second guess asking him that?

 

Make it a one time topic of discussion get all you need out of the conversation and move on with it.

 

There is nothing wrong with that at all.

[CBR_pilot]

Typically, it's never advantageous to ask about someone's ex. There's really nothing to gain, other than possible jealousy or feelings of insecurities. We all have exes, and we all have occasional thoughts or memories about them. Unless you are given a real reason to inquire if he still has feelings for his ex, you should just move on (like he hopefully has).

 

If you do decide to ask about the ex (or exes), then you'd better be prepared to answer the same questions...

[Tomcat33]

Typically, it's never advantageous to ask about someone's ex. Unless you are given a real reason to inquire if he still has feelings for his ex, you should just move on (like he hopefully has).

 

 

She already said she has reason to ask about her, why would you say it is "never advantageous" unless she has reason to ask!?!?

 

 

I was thinking of asking my bf if he still had leftover feelings from his last relationship.... He mentions her every once in a while,

 

I disagree. You should be able to ask about whatever you want to know about your mate's past, even past relationships, it's not for others to decide this for you, it is for the two people in a particular relationship to decide.

 

One size fits all solutions to problems just don't work, sorry.

[PrincessPeach]

If you feel the need to ask things like this, it is most often because of some underlying insecurities. When you ask and get a response one of two things happen:

 

(1) You hear something you didn't want to hear. Your insecurities are confirmed, you may develop jealosy and your insecurity about the relationship will grow because you can't stop thinking about their past. if you make the arguement that you can get over it easily, then you didn't need to be concerned or have to ask to begin with.

 

(2) You hear what you wanted to hear. It doesn't actually solve your isecurities, it only puts a blanket over them for a while. Soon your insecurity will be back and you have to know more about something you didn't need to know to begin with. This will fuel the problem of your insecurity because of positive reinforcement.

[PrincessPeach]

You should be able to ask about whatever you want to know about your mate's past, even past relationships, it's not for others to decide this for you, it is for the two people in a particular relationship to decide.

yes, you should feel able to ask. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to ask or that you should actually be asking all the time or ever. Sometimes knowing you are able to do something is better than when you actually do it.

[Rebellious]

it's okay to ask about his ex, make sure you check if she was a better kisser or a tighter fit.

[Tomcat33]

(1) You hear something you didn't want to hear. Your insecurities are confirmed, you may develop jealosy and your insecurity about the relationship will grow because you can't stop thinking about their past. if you make the arguement that you can get over it easily, then you didn't need to be concerned or have to ask to begin with.

 

(2) You hear what you wanted to hear. It doesn't actually solve your isecurities, it only puts a blanket over them for a while. Soon your insecurity will be back and you have to know more about something you didn't need to know to begin with. This will fuel the problem of your insecurity because of positive reinforcement.

 

 

Well with that attitude why communicate anything with a loved one? Don't talk at all, you are going to hear what you want to hear anyway.

 

 

I disagree with that way of looking at things but if it works for you who am I to say what works for you? I respect your way of doing things for you. I understand some people are of the idea, "I don't want to know I don't even want to acknowledge you had a past" other people are the opposite.

 

 

That wouldn't work for me, I believe that when you feel a need to discuss something with a partner you should. No beating around the bush, put it out there and let the chips fall where they may. If you can't be open with your mate, what's the point?

 

 

yes, you should feel able to ask. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to ask or that you should actually be asking all the time or ever. Sometimes knowing you are able to do something is better than when you actually do it.

 

That's a really poetic and nice thought but we are real people with real needs, if the OP feels the need to ask about her partner's past she should not censor that. Again, this came out of his constant bringing up of the ex, if he wants to talk about her, well then "let's".

I said it's ok to discuss not obsess over it.

[PrincessPeach]

Well with that attitude why communicate anything with a loved one? Don't talk at all, you are going to hear what you want to hear anyway.

Don't patronize me. That's not what I was saying nor is it what I meant. If you actually read what I wrote you'd understand this line of thought is in line with a specific topic and not necessarily anything else.

 

In this case it isn't the topic to be avoided, but the underlying reason for bringing it up is why she should not ask about it.

 

I don't have an issue of people disagreeing with my point of view, that's fine. But I do have a problem when people misunderstand my point of view and assume me to have a point of view that I do not. Sorry if I come off as defensive.

 

Again, this came out of his constant bringing up of the ex

No, it came up because a psychic mentioned something and she became worried because of it. Her boyfriend brings it up "every once in a while," not constantly.

[youngandhopeful]

I agree with TomCat33. Just remember that you may have to divulge your past BF's too, would you be comfortable with that? If so, then maybe your partner would be comfortable talking about his too

[Tomcat33]

Don't patronize me. That's not what I was saying nor is it what I meant. If you actually read what I wrote you'd understand this line of thought is in line with a specific topic and not necessarily anything else.

 

 

I read what you wrote and I understood. It's hard to take your request to not be patronizing seriously when it is delivered in such a sarcastic tone.

 

I am not patronizing you I am challenging this abstract ideal you have that you shouldn't do something because knowing we can do it is better than doing it. That may work when it comes to making a crazy sexual fantasy come true or robbing a bank or even telling your boss to stuff it when he asks you to do one more medial task but it doesn't necessarily work for everything. Somethings do need to be played out.

 

 

In this case it isn't the topic to be avoided, but the underlying reason for bringing it up is why she should not ask about it.

 

 

No, it came up because a psychic mentioned something and she became worried because of it. Her boyfriend brings it up "every once in a while," not constantly.

 

 

Do you really know the underlying reason aside from the limited info the OP posted? Really we have no clue what transpired and why she really wants to ask him about his past, the mere indication she felt the need to turn to a psychic for answers goes to show there were underlying "insecurities" there to begin with. People ususally turn to psychics when they see something wrong with their lives not when everything is peachy keen.

How do you nip insecurities in the bud? you bring them out in the open and discuss them, unless of course you are in need of having a big white pet elephant in the room. Insecurities are nothing more than fears, a lot of the time unfounded ones and sometimes all we need to do to put certain fears to rest is talk about them.

 

Every once in a while is long enough. If you are over your ex why are you talking about them every once in a while? Are they in your past or not?

[PrincessPeach]

Do you really know the underlying reason aside from the limited info the OP posted? Really we have no clue what transpired and why she really wants to ask him about his past, the mere indication she felt the need to turn to a psychic for answers goes to show there were underlying "insecurities" there to begin with. People ususally turn to psychics when they see something wrong with their lives not when everything is peachy keen.

How do you nip insecurities in the bud? you bring them out in the open and discuss them, unless of course you are in need of having a big white pet elephant in the room. Insecurities are nothing more than fears, a lot of the time unfounded ones and sometimes all we need to do to put certain fears to rest is talk about them.

 

I'm not saying I know. But I am saying that if it is insecurity, which I think it is based on her reactions and description, that I am providing advice in that such situation. And it seems like you agree with me about that much.

 

Yes, you nip insecurities in the bud by bringing them out in the open and talking about them (much like any fear). However, her method of asking isn't bringing these insecurities out in the open, it's just tucking them back away.

 

 

If she has a fear of something and asks if what she is afraid of being there is there and gets a response denying her fear, it doesn't help to dissolve the fear, it only works to increase it.

 

For instance, lets say someone is afraid of bats being in the room they are about to enter. Every time before entering they ask someone else to go first to check for bats. There aren't ever any bats, but it only further ingrains the fear because it teaches that having the fear is acceptable behavior. She will never learn to dismiss the possibility of there being bats unless she takes a different approach. She is asking a question that puts her fear on hold for the time being, she isn't bringing her fear out into the open.

 

If someone is insecure about her boyfriend having feeling for an ex, then what should be brought up is something like "I am insecure that you still might like your ex and will stop loving me because of it" Then the boyfriend can help and do things that will regularly dismiss this idea and help her get rid of her fear. If she just asks "Are you over your ex?" The insecurity is NOT actually out in the open and the boyfriend is not likely to do anything other than than say "No, I am not still into her."

 

If there is an actual insecurity present, this mere statement is not going to be enough on its own to overcome that.

 

If she wants to get over an insecurity she should talk about the insecurity, not ask a question which has an answer that will simply dismiss it and move on.

[Tomcat33]

The bat analogy is interesting, but I dunno it's quiet fitting, you can quantify bats in a room you cannot quantify if your current bo still has feelings for an ex except through your perception of his actions. His actions lead her to believe he still might so they need to talk it out to see if her perception is correct.

 

Look it doesn't really matter what she needs to ask specifically, the question was I feel my guy is talking about his ex and might still have feelings for her should I ask about her? I say yes.

Talk it out.

 

End of story.

[PrincessPeach]

The bat analogy is interesting, but I dunno it's quiet fitting, you can quantify bats in a room you cannot quantify if your current bo still has feelings for an ex except through your perception of his actions. His actions lead her to believe he still might so they need to talk it out to see if her perception is correct.

 

You should be equating the perception of his actions (something that can be quantified) to the bats. When the boyfriend is aware, then he can change his actions to help the girl he cares about deal and help to get beyond her insecurities. To show her that he cares for her.

 

Actions generally speak much louder (and truer) than words.

[wierdmunky]

Thank you for all the input. I already asked though. And I asked exactly that. Actually I texted it. I know that sounds really childish, but I really don't feel like thinking it out into person to person form, plus it makes it too serious of a deal, particularly for the guy I'm dating.

 

Well the idea to ask the psychic did come from insecurities, mostly because I know about her (ex), and I needed answers that I thought I shouldn't actually ask the bf. I thought it would show that I'm jealous, insecure, and all that, ....well I am.

 

So I asked him anyway, and he responded with something nice, like next time ask before it builds up for no reason. It's such a perfect answer, but we'll see if it did any damage, if it did, I need a guy that'll accept me for all my faults anyway.