undecide Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'll try to make it short: We've been together over 3 years, things are going great, every minute we spend together seems to just bring us closer. We have one ongoing issue though: he wants me to move in with him and I have been held back by my responsibilities to my family. He has done virtually everything to get me to move in with him, including buying a place I really like. He is a great guy, and I love him, and I am trying to arrange things with my family so that I can move in with him in the new year. Last year, during a time when I was very busy with two jobs, night school, and taking care of my family, my bf and I were not getting much quality time together at all. One night as he was taking a shower and out of boredom, I looked through his email. At the time, we never had any trust issues and I did not snoop out of suspicion - I never expected to find anything. Well, I found an entire chain between him and his ex-girlfriend (who cheated on him). Throughout the chain, there was nothing of 'i miss you, let's meet, let's have sex'. However, he wrote at one point 'if our paths do cross in the future, maybe then i will believe in destiny'. At the end of their discussion, he dropped contact with her and she was left sending emails like 'hello? are you there?' between months. I was unable to read their entire conversation by the time he was done his shower and I immediately confronted him. He was speechless and refused to show me the rest of the conversation (the part I didn't get to see was in the middle). At one point of their thread, she asked to meet up with him alone, and he declined. He says the 'destiny' comment was meant to be sarcastic. After a couple of weeks we started talking again and he said he doesn't want anything to do with this girl and he only started talking with her as he was frustrated with our relationship and my lack of commitment to him in terms of moving in with him. We patched things up because I do see things from his perspective and believe this girl to be an attention-seeker, as he tells me she has frequently been unfaithful to her current fiance. I was so disturbed that he wouldn't show me the entire conversation but he deleted it so I have no choice and he said he told me everything that they discussed. Fast forward a year, I snooped through his email again, and found pictures of this same ex in her underwear. Now the thing is, these pictures were from the SAME time period as his emails with her, so I can see the correlation that she was trying to hit on him. But instead of being from her, he had RESENT them to himself under a different subject heading 'stuff', as if to better hide them. I freaked out, and we had a long talk. He told me that what he didn't tell me before is she had totally thrown herself at him during that time period and even called him at his house when he was in town there. Originally he denied that she had ever flirted with him and said she was just being friendly. He said he kept that from me because he though I would breakup with him over that. He maintains that he never cheated on me and never wanted to meet up with her. He says he completely forgot about those pictures even existing in his emails, and that her attentions towards him were giving him an ego boost at the time. One thing, is when he was having problems with his last girlfriend, this exact situation happened with them where this flirtatious ex was throwing herself at him. So it's pattern behaviour. He has cut off all communication with this ex ever since our blowup a year ago and, to my knowledge, has not had any contact with her at all. After my recent findings of those pictures, he deleted her from facebook as well. He says he doesn't want this girl, never has, was only getting an ego boost from her and only wants for me to move and spend the rest of his life with me. I know that a lot of this is reasonable and that his frustrations are valid. What I need now, is before I make this big commitment to move in with him and really move our relationship forward, is an outside perspective on what happened here. I tried to keep it short but failed at that! Any words of advice would be appreciated, thanks.
Author undecide Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Also, I have been reading a lot of other posts from people in similar situations, but I guess I just need to hear some advice to my situation in particular. Thanks again.
m-j Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 That whole "Ego boost" excuse makes me sick. My boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of his a few months ago because he liked the attention she was giving him and things just got out of hand one night. He was devastated and I took him back because he said I am the girl he wants to spend his life with and it was just a really horrible mistake. He needs to realise his behaviour is making him look VERY untrustworthy. Now you are always going to think that if you aren't giving him enough attention that he might be seeking it elsewhere. Even if he isn't physically cheating on you, it's emotional cheating, wouldn't you agree? And it still hurts. In that case, I think both our boyfriends just need to grow up and learn some self control and realise that they are getting all the attention and love from us that we can give.
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 MJ is right. But it has been a year. Which i believe is sufficient time for you to have observed him (which you have probably done with great interest). If he has not given any other reason to doubt him. You may consider moving the relationship forward. There are no guarantees and you could miss a lot in life if you don't take some risks. From what you say he sounds crazy about you. You may also consider pre marital counseling. To bring up any issue or concerns (this is not a bad thing), or to simply understand each other better.
MichelleS1983 Posted January 4, 2009 Posted January 4, 2009 You were definitely lied to. You didn't receive the whole story. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The fact that he couldn't RACE to his computer fast enough to delete those "innocent emails" speaks volumes. The fact that he hid these emails somewhere (another secret email account perhaps?) and remailed them all back to himself - even though they were so "innocent" - speaks volumes. The guy's a liar. I also find it rather coincidental that this old girlfriend keeps showing up like a bad penny, ready to pounce on him out of nowhere. He paints himself as the innocent 'target' of her desire but he's probably EVERY bit as guilty as she is. Where there's smoke, there's fire. Had a boyfriend JUST like yours - a sneaky liar. Except his method of sneakiness was text messaging. But of course, like your boyfriend, he was 'innocent' and these darned women kept hounding him, you know? I booted his ass out because life is too short to be lied to and disrespected. Just some food for thought.
Thunder77 Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 I tend to opine with Michelle. I think your boyfriend is not being truthful and is keeping is ex girlfriend on the back burner at the same time. I don't know about you but exes are exes for a reason. I think it is extremely rude and disrespectful to have intimate text messages in his phone from his ex let alone pictures of her in her panties ? Im sorry hon but you need to wake up and smell the coffee and trust me you are doing the right thing by not moving in with him. You need to sit him and down and really get the story from him, no bullchit, the truth. Cause it sounds fishy to me.
Author undecide Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I always thought it would be so easy, whenever I saw other people having similar issues in their relationships, I'd always assume that 'of course, they have to break up', but now that I am in that situation, it is so complicated. He told her not to contact him for a long time, which I appreciate - but what he should have done a long time ago I suppose. But he signed the email, instead of with his name, signed it with a nickname she uses for him...it just doesn't feel right to me. This is such a hard decision for me to make. Thanks for your thoughts, if you have any more advice, it would really be appreciated.
Me13 Posted January 7, 2009 Posted January 7, 2009 I have been emotionally cheated on by a guy for 4 years. I always stayed with him, right up until our relationship fell apart a couple of months ago (not surprisingly, because of another girl..) but besides that point... within the first 7 months of being together, we faced a situation a lot like your email situation, with his ex. Except that when I confronted him, he totally broke down and said he had feelings for her. Because he was certain I was "the one", I took him back and made it work. But 6 months later... there would be a new email. 6 months later... I would hear another story around town about them being seen together. Looking back, I can't believe I stayed with this guy for 4 years but sometimes people just get sucked in by the whole "It's nothing" or "You're the one for me, I'll never talk to her again" deal. While I can't say for sure what you should or shouldn't do, just from personal experience, once a situation like this happens... it's never, ever the same.
Author undecide Posted January 8, 2009 Author Posted January 8, 2009 MJ is right. But it has been a year. Which i believe is sufficient time for you to have observed him (which you have probably done with great interest). If he has not given any other reason to doubt him. You may consider moving the relationship forward. There are no guarantees and you could miss a lot in life if you don't take some risks. From what you say he sounds crazy about you. You may also consider pre marital counseling. To bring up any issue or concerns (this is not a bad thing), or to simply understand each other better. I suddenly came to the realisation today - why am I acting like the victim? I have decided to give him a chance - his last one - and move on with my life. Dwelling on this has driven me to the brink of insanity, as many people on these forums know very well. I am lucky in that I do still have some trust in him and believe him when he says he has cut all communication. The other things, I have decided to let them go and forget about them. He says he wants to be with me so I will try this one last time. Most importantly, I will get his ex out of my head and stop letting her ruin my life because that is an absolute and total waste of my time. And if, down the road, I get f***ed over again, then I will make the decision that feels right then, and love him like I want to be loved back until that time. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and helping me reach this point.
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