Author Myusername Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Lizzie Actually I can enjoy a single life more than most. I love my single life always have always will. Never married, no kids no interest. I crave being single and then sometimes enjoy the company of a man, boyfriend, but I love single life so YES sure I can clearly understand that. No argument there. Many people cant understand my lifestyle (that i did not want kids or marriage)..so I am agreement with being able to go and do what you want, when you want.. I was just curious about why you were interested in so many married men, rather than just hanging out with single men. It's confusing, you think all men cheat, and yet you say you were with your exmm for many years and he know he never cheated, you just know it. Head scratch. Well whatever you do I wish you safety and peace. I know being with several mm or other peoples boyfriends can be complicated, if not for you, then for them. It's not that I judge or have issues with an independent lifestyle, but i do in good mind have to question the "going for" MM as if its a game. Because there are other lives involved I would thikn that eventually this could get sticky...and lives get hurt. Not yours, but theirs. You sound like you take some real pride in dumping men, you mentioned it a lot, and perhaps its for other reasons....but its a slippery slope to be a serial dater of MM, so I cant help but think its a game....and lives get hurt. Just my limited opinion and I would not express it so boldly but it seems you like the banter and to express yourself as well. More power to you. But, we are each entitled to live our life as we see and it seems you are enjoying it. Maybe there are single men you see also..who knows. Anyway, thanks for the response bye MUN
OWoman Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 If you actually ended up with your MM, would you trust him? I have ended up with my MM, and I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone in my whole life. I'm not a trusting person by nature, and I never believe anything without checking out out from several independent sources. He more than checks out, and his track record is impeccable. And, given HN's caution: So, IMO, if the MM goes from his marriage to an affair partner without looking deep within himself and doing some serious soul searching and repairing, he can't be trusted. I feel completely confident. He's been in IC - which helped him to break free from his abusive M, and face his demons - and he's dealt with all those issues that kept him trapped. Or at least, he's discovered them, acknowledged them, and is actively working on them - some of them will take longer than overnight to solve, after decades and decades of abuse reinforcing them and breeding the coping strategies he developed for dealing with things. We have our challenges like any couple, but we know we have so much to be thankful for and we honour and respect each other and keep that in focus.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 IMO, a MM who has a affair is fighting an inner demon. For some reason he didn't take the path of divorce before being with an OW and there lies the problem. Unless the MM deals with the reason why he had the affair in the first place, there is no way anyone should trust him. Affairs not about the betrayed, the marriage or the OW. They are all about the cheaters and what he or she is missing within themselves. Unless those issues are recognized and worked on in an honest way, a cheater can't be faithful to anyone. So, IMO, if the MM goes from his marriage to an affair partner without looking deep within himself and doing some serious soul searching and repairing, he can't be trusted. I agree with this post. That's honestly why I think that an OW who doesn't see the changes in her partner, SHOULD NOT wait it out. Until he looks at himself, admits and takes responsibility for what he has done, and changes on his own accord, he is STILL the same person he was when he met you and he'll do unto you as he did onto her. I married my partner recently. And I saw the changes, EVERYONE saw the changes. There is no need for me not to trust him, he is trustworthy. And of course I will be faithful to him. He is my lover, my best friend, my companion. We are two peas in a pod. We take care of each other. Our R didn't have the best of beginnings, but I won't let that spoil the rest of our lives together. Part of loving is forgiving and moving forward together. Don't worry about your future together until you have one. Cherish the time you have and learn what you need to learn. Not one of us is perfect, not one. GEL
TogetherForever Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Hi If you actually ended up with your MM, would you trust him? WOuld you believe he would be faithful to you, or would you worry all the time when he was, lets say, on business, working late, etc? Texts or emails with other females...etc..co workers...? Just curious...how others feel. I find I am less trusting of men in general since I had my A. And also as a single women, so many MM hit on me and tried to convince me to go out with them, that it really turned me sour and distrusting, to some extent and for some time. I realize for some of you, you have been in long term relationships with MM that were either your high school sweetie or long time love, and I realize thats different than someone who met a stranger and fell hard, BOOM..lol... Working on that now. have a great week and almost HAPPY NEW YEAR myuser Yup!! I trust him 100%. TF
CAMAYPARK Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Yes, I trust him 100%. I started off as OW and we broke up in April/May, I found my own closure. He sort me out 2/3months later and we had a rather intense discussion. He was actually encountering some turmoil of his own, he decided to confront his W again and told her about me and then moved out. By the time we decided to get back together, a lot had changed. I noticed the sceptre of our R had changed. It had become more tender, more loving and there's more openess to it. Its also more stable, more committed. Friends commented that we both looked happy together and he looked more relaxed & happier than they have ever seen him. I still have a rough ride ahead of me, but I pray and hope that the TOWdipper statement about men tend to go back to the W-won't be true. Fingers crossed. I don't think that he will go back to her. And now I am looking forward to the next phase of my life with him, starting with my relocation soon.
Adunaphel Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Hi If you actually ended up with your MM, would you trust him? WOuld you believe he would be faithful to you, or would you worry all the time when he was, lets say, on business, working late, etc? Texts or emails with other females...etc..co workers...? Just curious...how others feel. I find I am less trusting of men in general since I had my A. And also as a single women, so many MM hit on me and tried to convince me to go out with them, that it really turned me sour and distrusting, to some extent and for some time. I realize for some of you, you have been in long term relationships with MM that were either your high school sweetie or long time love, and I realize thats different than someone who met a stranger and fell hard, BOOM..lol... Working on that now. have a great week and almost HAPPY NEW YEAR myuser I think that when (if?) I'll end up with MM I will trust him, basically because I am making a lot of assumptions. I assume that what he told me about his marriage and his W is true, and I also assume that he would behave with me no better(but no worse, either)than he did with his W. So I expect that were we to grow apart, I'd get a reasonable number of warning signs before he cheats on me. And that he would not engage in an affair before he considers our relationship over. And that he would at least have the decency to tell me that he considers our relationship over not much longer after he cheated. I might very well be self-delusional, I know. But I hope it is not the case.
Author Myusername Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Thanks to everyone I agree with a lot of what has been said, especially about the MM getting help or healing from his own wounds and issues before he got entangled right away in a R with the OW. I know I could not trust my xmm because I really dont know whats true or false, and he has made no moves to include me in his world other than casual statements about it being fun to see me sometime...(joke) I realize with many other OW your relationships are very different than mine was. You know your MM well, you live near him, you have regular contact , you had a past at some point together before the A, etc. For me, I had none of that. Just intense entanglements when we met for a few weeks and some other hotel excursions once a year or so that led to more harm and hurt, deeper love and deeper disapointments. No I cant trust him and I dont think we will be together. I believe we would only reconnect if it was his way on his terms and thats not good nough for me especially now that he is separated. Thanks for all the responses, I am healing and hurting more and more. This forum is very painful at times, and also so incredibly eye opening and healing to a a degree. Pain is pain MUN
frannie Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Hi If you actually ended up with your MM, would you trust him? WOuld you believe he would be faithful to you, or would you worry all the time when he was, lets say, on business, working late, etc? Texts or emails with other females...etc..co workers...? Just curious...how others feel. I find I am less trusting of men in general since I had my A. And also as a single women, so many MM hit on me and tried to convince me to go out with them, that it really turned me sour and distrusting, to some extent and for some time. I'd want to spend a lot of time dating him, building our relationship, having him talk about how it differed from that with his ex. Exploring what makes him tick, and making sure that we're a good fit. I think if you do that, that's all you can really do. You can't really rely on others not to cheat... we're human beings, and we're susceptable... all you can do is communicate, learn about them, and have faith that they're being truthful. They might not be. But that's the risk you take with ANY partner.
missswiss Posted January 11, 2009 Posted January 11, 2009 wow, let me start by saying that this forum is such great therapy - so good to not be isolated and no one to talk to about being the OW... i have indepth discussions with my MM about my potential issues with trusting him if, big IF he ever leaves his wife.. he says its different with us as we are soulmates, but i'm sure the fact that i'm 10years younger and much better looking gives me some leverage... as youd the next younger prettier version than me! the truth is i probably wouldnt trust him for a long time... and would test him just to be re-assured... doesnt help he travels abroad a few days a week, often for a week or more, so i guess my default is no. similarly, i travel (thats how we met) and am appaled by the number of married men that would be up for a shag, fling, whatever given the opportunity.. i seem to attract married business men like flies (do look hot in a suit i must admit), but whomever we settle for, MM or perfect mr right, the trust is a huge issue - anyone feel the same? has anyone come out the other end in a blistfully happy trusting r/ship?
GreenEyedLady Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 has anyone come out the other end in a blistfully happy trusting r/ship? ME!
frannie Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 ... whomever we settle for, MM or perfect mr right, the trust is a huge issue - anyone feel the same? has anyone come out the other end in a blistfully happy trusting r/ship? I do feel this, more or less yes. Trust is a big issue for any relationship, and without it you're nowhere. That's why so many relationships fail after infidelity: it's not so much the cheating, it's the lying about it (particularly a second time). However, I think that trust is a choice. You can choose to trust someone, even though you know they're human and they might let you down. Because what's the alternative to trusting..? Any lack of trust only corrodes a relationship. I must admit I'd have trouble trusting someone who had lied to me in the past. GEL is a good example of someone who's overcome that with her xMM, now H. But anyone involved with a MM, whether it be their BS (once she knows he's cheated), the OW, or future partner who wasn't involved in the affair has to know that the MM has lied in the past to get what they want. That's not a nice character trait. But as you say, we could all do it, given the 'right' (wrong) circumstances. Maybe we wouldn't, or we say we wouldn't or couldn't, but we could. So yes, its a chance we all take when we trust another person with our heart. The only person you can truly 'trust' is yourself. As long as you know you'll be ok even if all around you fail you, then you are alright. That's my philosophy on trust. I suppose it comes down to: trust, but don't rely on someone..? Something like that anyway.
OWoman Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 has anyone come out the other end in a blistfully happy trusting r/ship? Yes. Me.
HappyAtLast Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 has anyone come out the other end in a blistfully happy trusting r/ship? I, also, have. I married my affair partner many years ago. I have never, nor would I ever cheat on her.
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