no contact ..4 long time/forever? possible?

[Myusername]

Hi there

I am fine at giving advice about no contact but finding it hard to follow not that I have said goodbye for the 10th time.

 

SMACK ME, make me stop.

 

I feel like I have no faith in myself to stay NC even though I am the one saying LEAVE ME ALONE. I have done it for bouts of time and eventually get weak.

 

I seem to always come around to wanting to say hi or something. I dont talk to him often at all, but once I get strong enough to say NO MORE, I always fall back eventually. I have soft spot for him, as I am sure you can relate to, some of you.

 

What has kept you NC ? Anything special that you do....a mantra, a slap to the face..lol....a jingle in your head? Pet a cat, eat a pie..lol

 

here is my trouble, besides being stupid and loosing all self respect..lol

 

He is separated and she moved out, he said he is proceeding forward with plans for divorce at some point. I am not necessarily in the picture, his life is in shambles and he is a mess emotionally. I get generic responses like "its always good to see you, if you are in town, let me know". Which is lame. I am never in town, he lives 19,799,000 miles away...lol

 

Wife is begging him back, miserable ...he does not want to go back, nor does he seem too comfortable seeing me right now with everything thats going on. Yet on the other hand, he says he cant forget me and his heart skips a beat when he hears from me.

 

BARF

 

They were separated when I met him over 5 years ago, and he does not live anywhere near me. I only saw him about once a year or so but emotionally and physically we were tight and intense.

 

His marriage was bad for 10 years or more, each straying at different times, and they both knew it ..that was before me. He never told he about me.

 

Anyway, I think he is playing games with me but has probably decided he does not want her, nor the intensity of me right now because of his guilt and emotions.

 

I am sure he would want a fling or night at a hotel but I wont be that chick anymore. Its not me, I grew, changed and wont go back there.

 

he also has the MIDDLE AGED man complex, syndrome and I can see him eventually getting some healing time and then wanting to DATE AROUND a lot. He has been married forever. So for many reasons I am trying to walk away and told him so again. I said NO MORE contact. But I always fail at this.

 

How do you stick to it for a long time? I was good about it when I had a serious BF, I did not cheat etc, but it's even harder now, now that I know he is free. I waited for this for so long, and now it is not in the cards for us, so I need to completely go, but I cant seem to do this easily.

 

How did you all move on from the crazy email contact stuff? I dont call him so thats no big deal.

 

HELP, I am so eager to move past him, but now he is separated and its so hard.

 

thanks

myusername

[mytruelove]

nice to meet you

 

so have you had contact with him and stated specifically that you do not want contact anymore? if so, is he respecting that? did you tell him how you feel? have you gotten clarity?

 

i think my best advice is to take him at his word and give him space. he probably truly is drained right now and honestly doesn't have much to offer. mine kept stating this to me, but i wasn't getting it. i finally got it and heard what he was saying and things are better since. see how things go in the next couple of months.

 

i understand your wanting so much to move on and not knowing exactly how you do it. yours and my situation are similair except that mine lives closer to me.

 

i don't really have much advice on no contact as i saw mine this morning, but i think it is simply a choice that is made when you truly have had enough and your just too tired to continue the HUGE effort it takes to keep these relationships going especially when your the only one making the effort. it can be exhausting and that's why a break is needed every once in a while.

 

i think it takes less effort to go NC honestly than it does to maintain the relationship.

 

just like giving up an addiction, it's a choice. that simple.

 

(((hugs)))

[Myusername]

MTL

Thanks. I have not much clarity. yes he will most likely respect my NC request. He has always been cool with that and usually I break, or I get a small hello from him, but he knows how badly he has hurt me. It's me who needs to be strong.

 

I have vague clarity at best, he does not communicate in easy terms, they are so beating around bush. I have asked direct hard questions since his Separation, but he talks around it. I know he needs time and space, and I also believe in my heart, since I dont live near him, that with me out of picture totally, he will quickly move on to dating, after he heals from his separation. He wont put effort into coming to see me, (plane flight) he will go for something local I bet. Sounds sad but true. I know he loves me, but I made it real convenient ..now I wont. I wont be that girl that gets occassional time when he is on business. I also dont trust him. Plain and simple.

 

I am going to give him so much space...lol...he will feel his on mars. I think he is a man who will just move on, he is strong and MAN LIKE in that he will just want to get rid of the pain of her (the wife) and rid of the guilt of me, which i realize for the first time now ever, is huge. Or rather I should say, not the guilt of me but the guilt of leaving her. I am not sure I was the only A for him, or that he was not having others. She probably was too. IT SO SCREAMS RUN FORREST RUN, run those shackles right off your feet.

 

Thanks for your post, it helps a lot. I have been paving the way to do this for a long time, and have had short successes but not lasting ones.

 

I wish you luck as well, very much

(((HUGS)))

MUN

[mytruelove]

well, you know what...mine is VERY MAN LIKE also...if fact i've told him that he is the only real "man" i've ever been with...sometimes i don't know how to react to that...all the pride etc., but....

 

don't be so sure because even my MANLY MAN has cried in front of me, shown his sensitive side, and let himself be vulnerable...WHY? because i made it safe for him to do that.

 

don't be so sure he will or has gotten over you that quick just because he doesn't show it. if it is meant to be it will be no matter the distance.

 

at the same time you go right ahead and get on with your life girl!!!

[LavendarGirl]

MUN, you're barfing. Again.

 

Um, I have -no- tricks to going NC. I don't know how I've lasted this long. You guys are having to tape my hands together to keep me from typing and sending an email, remember???

 

Honestly, what's keeping me from contacting him at this point is that I have already communicated with him how I feel. I don't feel like I'm at a point emotionally - right now - where talking with him is going to benefit me, or the situation any. I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to cave in and resume the A.

 

I'd like to get myself back in a healthy mindframe and talk to him, if just to wish him well and be on my merry way. But I'm not there yet.

 

--LG.

[Myusername]

MTL

Thanks. I saw this man cry once, and it was unreal. He was freaked because he had not cried in like 20 years, and being with me, being able to actually be weak and express himself and take a much needed hug and let it out, was just shell shocking for him. I will never regret being there for him for that. Never.

By nature I want to help people and heal their wounds though I cant do that with him now.

Thanks so much, I find your posts so helpful and right on with some things I feel and have had in my relationship...past one..lol

Thanks

MUN

[Myusername]

LG

we have some similarities for sure.

I wish you luck and stay strong.

rock on...

MUN

[mytruelove]

yeah, the barfing...lol

 

no seriously, seeing him cry is a site i will never forget and definitely the second thing that REALLY made me actually fall in love with him.

 

i'm glad my post help. yours do too.

 

hang in there - you seem really determined to do what is best for you and that's a great thing.

[Myusername]

MTL

I really want to do whats best for me, him and her. Yes that sounds stupid, but it is who I am. I can't be proud of myself and happy with him in the picture certainly not right now. Too much pain and hurt and he also is having so much hurt and she is devastated. So what makes sense for me, also makes sense for him, though not so easy to do. I never want to push myself into someones thoughts or world, I never did before, so no reason to do it now.

I have a full life here, he is not a consideration at this time. He can't be. I know that now.

This forum is so eye opening. I have done so much work in every other area of my life, but never tried to actually do any work other than NC or guilt or church..lol or beating myself up etc. To actually address whats going on in me and see him or the A for what it was, is different now. I am still in deep pain but I am hopefully eyes wide open and clear on what I dont want

 

Thanks

MUN

[frannie]

What has kept you NC ? Anything special that you do....a mantra, a slap to the face..lol....a jingle in your head? Pet a cat, eat a pie..lol

 

Just sheer pigheadedness seemed to work for me. Determination, I mean. No, pigheadedness

 

He is separated and she moved out, he said he is proceeding forward with plans for divorce at some point. I am not necessarily in the picture, his life is in shambles and he is a mess emotionally. I get generic responses like "its always good to see you, if you are in town, let me know".

 

I'd say, if I were in this situation, I wouldn't even need to be pig-headed. Its just a no-go, isn't it? Or let him lead the contact, if you want..? If he's hacking you off like this, then ignoring him can't be that difficult.

[Myusername]

Frannie

Situation has changed, he is emailing and telling me cares and I am special and yada yada. I believe him. I am just going to try and be friendly and his friend from afar and just let life roll on. If he and I are supposed to see eachother, it will come from him, not me, and in the meantime I will live my life and enjoy whats ahead of me, without him in the picture.

thanks

[mytruelove]

what an update huh? how did you respond or react? it sounds to my like you have a good plan and head on your shoulders right now, so go with it and stay strong.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

[Myusername]

MTL

lol

yeah my plan failed..lol. He told me how special I was, has been texting me, saying I am beautiful and rare and yada yada. I text'd back and it all started again. He text'd me again this morning, just silly stuff...and that prompted me to ask a few questions. I will see where that gets me. I know very little about his life, work etc...and I asked a direct question and expect a straight answer. If he is evasive, then he is up to something. Perhaps he is worried about revenge but I am not like that at all and he knows that.

 

Its odd to have him in contact..but its probably cause the new year. i am not sure what to think, nor am i reading too much into it. But its easy to get drawn right back in, and because he is separated..its harder to hold back.

 

I dont even know what I want, nor do I trust much..so i think i am okay. I was totally stressed about it all and now that he is back in contact if feels good on one hand and really bad on the other because it brings up all my trust issues...and the hidden lies and yada yada...

 

thanks for your response, it means a lot. I am trying not to get to crazy with it all...but i feel a little strange and unsure of course, no idea whats going on with him and cant ask, wont push, told him he needs to take care of his own life and troubles handle his pain, but i was not going to ask more questions. OF course all i really want to know is if he has been with other girls and is playing me for a fool...he seems to love me, but i have no idea if he has had other A's or really much else.

 

i feel lies...but i also feel he loves me, i just dont know that i could have anything other than a great time with him due to trust, the miles between us, and so many other things. sometimes love aint enuff..lol

 

how are you doing lady????

u okay?

MUN

[torranceshipman]

Honestly, this guy sounds awful-you are getting nothing but trauma and misery in this situation. He sounds like a game player, a bit of a mess, a really bad bet, and he also lives on the other side of the world!!! I'd get yourself out there and think about dating lots again, and seriously consider why you keep going back to someone that can offer you virtually nothing. You're worth way more than this guy could ever give you.

 

If you like the sweet words, ego massage, feeling of being less lonely, etc, that you get through his msgs, then let him continue doing it!-feel good but dont take it seriously and just enjoy it until a cute single guy who wants to spoil you andtreat you right comes along...then tell this guy to stop messaging you as you met someone else. This guy cant expect anything different if he leaves you 1000s of miles away and cant offer you anything decent-he's hardly giving you something worth holding on to, is he...

[mytruelove]

i really hear you on the trust thing. right now, with the things that have happened in my life the last month or so, i don't trust either -him or myself really a whole lot.

 

i have a friend that also lives away from me. i like him a lot. we seem to have the same kinda soul, BUT, he is young. he doesn't seem to have direction, or really know what he is doing in his life, or what he wants- to put it simply, he is all over the place. had we might in another time, situation, or place, we might be great together. i've basically come to decide that it is what it is. he does the same type of thing with the texting and "sweetness" and when he comes home to visit maybe we will see each other maybe we won't. i don't take any of it seriously. i know i can't. he has a lot of growing to do on his own. i had to just let that one go and let it be whatever it will be otherwise he would drive me crazy-lol.

 

maybe you could do the same in this situation? i've found that SM and i get along much better when i just let the moments be just that "moments."

and take a less serious approach - not that we don't have VERY serious conversations that are much needed...as i think you need to also...good job asking the questions. i know it takes courage!!!

 

i'm pretty much all over the place with how i'm doing. i was hanging by a thread new years eve, but i've really decided that this is a new year and to wipe the slate clean. fresh start. the stuff from last year forgotten - accept for the good things i'll keep them

 

how are you doing today?

[LovieDove24]

Personally, it sounds like mentally you are in a good stable place. It is perfectly normal to have hiccups along the way before having complete freedom from situations like this. I'd give yourself a pat on the back it sounds like you are doing pretty darn good!

 

Anyways, I think the sporatic contact with him will completely stop once you have begun a new relationship. I know others will disagree with me on this and maybe I'm incorrect in my assesment that you've *mostly* moved on, but I think starting something new can be that final nudge many of us need. Don't take this as me saying to hop into a relationship to get over someone. I'm not saying that at all. You want to be 95% moved on before starting something new and you want all of that healing to come from within YOU not someone else.

 

But with that being said, its natural to reflect fondly from time to time on past relationships and its also natural to feel weak occasionaly...its just that if you start something new with someone else, those moments of reflecting on your past will be interrupted by thoughts of your future with your new hunny. Hope this makes sense.

[Myusername]

Al Mom

Thanks. Oh its a bit more intense and complicated than that. Many men have come and gone during the time I have known ex MM. No one has ever come along that made me forget him. It did not date for a long time, i love being single, then I did start dating. I wanted to wait to get over him, it never came close to happening. I met and dated the most wonderful man and had a special relationship for several years, ending recently. I dont like relationships very much, and its hard for to commit. But I was commited and did love this man, in the best way I could, BUT the ex MM never left my heart, much as I tried. We still have an intense connection and its not about just moving on and finding a great guy.

 

I don't need a guy in my life, never did, I just do my thing and have large circle of friends. But this man just is different for me, I have not been able to walk away or get over him. No matter what I do, no contact for a while, dating other great men etc, it always comes back to him in a way. He cant offer me anything at all...so its bizarre. His life is an emotional rollercoaster right now, his finances are in rough spot, we dont live near one another, and the list goes on. But the connection and desire to see him and spend time with him, even for a day or so, is still strong. I dont see a future but i cant let go of the past. AND I have tried and tried and tried. Dated several people but none of them took my thoughts away from him.

 

thanks so much for your support. Its been a terribly confusing time, and painful...but worth the lessons and growth. Not sure where it will go, but i will stay strong and protect myself from deeper pain, i think..lol

MUN

[frannie]

I dont like relationships very much, and its hard for to commit... I don't need a guy in my life, never did...

 

He cant offer me anything at all...so its bizarre... But the connection and desire to see him and spend time with him, even for a day or so, is still strong.

 

I'm sure people must have said this before, but is half of his attraction that he offers you the 'perfect' situation... someone who can't offer you anything even now (distance, finances) would suit a woman who doesn't like relationships or commitment?

 

On the other hand, the fact he's heading to singledom doesn't seem to have given you cold feet... yet?

[Myusername]

Frannie

Thanks for post. You know its funny because when he and I met, it did provide me something, and i did not have to have a real relationship..i had a ton of space...year at a time..lol...etc. BUT in reality, I fell hard for him the day we met, it was nothing like anything I have ever experienced. I would have never stayed in contact with him, once he went back to his wife, if I was not deeply involved. This was the hardest part, I was used to having men in my life and moving on, and being single happily, and loving my space, etc. With him, I just wanted to be with him. I know that it was not reality in that we only saw eachother once a year or so..but i simply had an unbearable time trying to end it...what makes that so strange is because we live so far away, you would think it would be a lot easier to let go of..for both of us, but it was not.

 

At times it almost seemed like cruel self inflicted torture and I never had those feelings. I never felt anything like that in my life, and was older than 35 when we met..or somewhere around 30-35..lol...no specifics...lol

 

So while it met some needs, it mostly devastated me because it was so painful loving a man I could not have, that loved me too. So now that he is available in some ways (not really sure how available he is in his heart...) i am not rushing in either way. I am not afraid to see him nor am I pushing it...because its such a mess and we live such different lives, and i have changed over the years a lot. A LOT. So while i have deep feelings for him and would love to see him, I also have a lot of reasons to believe it would never work in real life. Do we have an undeniable attraction and bond, yes, its insane deep. And when I see him, nothing else matters, but I have to decide how healthy it is, or would be to see him. There is such a lack of trust and distance, yet we really have this intense relationship also. I am not sure what I want to do.

 

We have been emailing and texting quite a bit for us, which is new again. We did it alot when we met, when he was separated, but not as much after he went back. I dont think he will go back this time, i think it will end in divorce, but i dont want to be caught up in anything big with him right now. Though I do want to see him while he is separated, and I am not dating anyone. I always wanted that, just to be able to do it in freedom, or more freedom

 

thanks for your posts, they are helpful

MUN

[mytruelove]

wow, your feelings towards your guy completely echo mine for my guy... pretty much word for word.

 

i think it is a good sign he is texting more.

 

the long distance thing is tough though. very tough.

 

if it is true love nothing will stop it. the heart wants what the heart wants, yanno.

[LovieDove24]

Woody Allen once said "The longest lasting kind of love is unrequited."

 

It is easy to pine and find perfection in someone when they are only an idealized image in your mind. I have been there before, and trust me I know how much it really really sucks. BUT I have to believe there is some type of underlying issue as to why you are more fond of an unavailable man than one who right in front of you. I don't pretend to be a therapist but I suggest you find one and dig deeper to find an answer to this.