Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 This question came out of the last thread I began, and I thought it needed it's own place. There have been a lot of threads about the ideal mate and the deal breakers, but inquiring minds want to know, what are the compromises you are willing to make for a relationship with the right person? This can include things in the person (looks, education, income, etc) or things within the relationship itself. Please try to stay away from what you won't compromise on. This is about what we are willing to put aside or work with to be with someone else.
That Emotion Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Great thread Cap. For the right person, the one that absolutely drives you out of your mind, I'd sacrifice everything. My reasoning is this, with that kind of love in your life, there is nothing you can't do. Any sacrifice you make will either be replaced by something better or you'll be able to earn it back, motivated and fueled by the fire that burns inside you for the other person.
animo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Compromise?... Errr... nothing... Things that I'm willing to compromise on are things I don't really care about anyways, so it wouldn't be a compromise would it?
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Compromise?... Errr... nothing... Things that I'm willing to compromise on are things I don't really care about anyways, so it wouldn't be a compromise would it? I presume you're single then?
carhill Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I'd be willing to compromise regarding behaviors which my partner finds stressful or overwhelming. I'll give two examples from my marriage: 1. I require little sleep. 3-4 hours tops. Maybe 5-6 after a bunch of low-sleep days. Hence, I'm up at 4-5 am every day. My wife, OTOH, is a zombie if she doesn't get her 8-9 hours every night. My compromise is that, during the time she is sleeping, I'm not rattling around the house noisily as I would if I were single. I adjust my behavior to respect her sleep requirements. 2. I'm high energy, on-the-gas, everything is interesting, gotta talk about it all. My wife OTOH, tends to focus on one thing, operates at a slower pace and prefers less talking. My compromise is that I moderate my "manic" behaviors and internalize the energy a bit more so as not to overwhelm her, and concentrate that energy into other areas. Hope that helps!
animo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I presume you're single then? Not at the moment... but, generally speaking yeah, I think it's a way of life. You know, take a break from all the relationship hopping, be a non-hopper, do something different, stop defining relationships as anything more than "boy meets girls" and whatever the hell else happens is just 'life'...
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I'd be willing to compromise regarding behaviors which my partner finds stressful or overwhelming. Hope that helps! Ok carhill, that's a start. But did you compromise on anything regarding her? Were you looking, for instance, for a high energy person and decided in the end it didn't matter all that much--that you could adjust? That's what I'm trying to get at here. We all come up with some sort of grocery list of must-haves (must dance was one of mine for a long time), but then realize that the whole list may never be met by anyone, so what gets crossed off?
anne1707 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I used to think that I would never go out with a smoker or with somebody whose politics were very different to mine. However I met my H and changed my mind. However I must admit he has since stopped smoking plus changed his political view point (the latter partly because of discussions/debates he and I have).
animo Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 but then realize that the whole list may never be met by anyone, so what gets crossed off? That's assuming you have a list beyond... - Must turn me on (physically speaking) - Must be a good person OK I have ONE more, that i'm also not willing to compromise on... - Must be a little naughty/adventurous That was kind of my point... Everything else I truly do not care about... tall, short, ethnicity, background, carreer, wealth, I simply do not care. So there IS nothing to compromise on for me because my standards are uncompromiseable...
carhill Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 But did you compromise on anything regarding her? Were you looking, for instance, for a high energy person and decided in the end it didn't matter all that much--that you could adjust? To be blunt, if my low-energy wife would have been more compatible in the emotional intimacy department, I wouldn't even be here My problem (and it was/is entirely mine) was that I didn't see this incompatibility early-on. This distinction is an important lesson I learned in MC, regarding the psychology of relationships. There are some aspects of a person which are changeable and negotiable and there are some aspects which aren't. I harbor no resentment nor ill will regarding the compromises I made in my examples. That's key. They are behavioral aspects of mine which I value but am willing to adjust to be in a healthy relationship. As I said, it is unhealthiness in more fundamental and unchangeable areas which brings me to LS to learn further....
melodymatters Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Money. I'd love it if my husband happened to be born with a trust fund, but I have yet to have met a man with a lot of money who also has the neccesary emotional make up, kindness and good looks. But hell, I've always supported myself and my child alone anyway, guess I'll keep the super sweetheart I found instead
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 However I must admit he has since stopped smoking plus changed his political view point (the latter partly because of discussions/debates he and I have). Good job!!
CBR_pilot Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Compromise should be a case-by-case decision. It's easy to make a list of things that you wouldn't be willing to compromise, but that's not the most intelligent way to go about people. Obviously, some things will be difficult to compromise (like dating a terrorist or something...), but I have personally made compromises that I would have never done if I had stuck to a "list" of deal breakers, and it has worked out just fine. The bottom line is take each person for what they are, which is unique. Then make an honest assessment of your feelings overall. You may surprise yourself sometime. I certainly have...
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 My problem (and it was/is entirely mine) was that I didn't see this incompatibility early-on. How long did you know each other? This distinction is an important lesson I learned in MC, regarding the psychology of relationships. There are some aspects of a person which are changeable and negotiable and there are some aspects which aren't. I read a book called "What You Can Change & What You Can't." It's sort of anti-self-help which assumes everything is changeable when it's clearly not, and to believe so sets one up for failure. I guess it is the unchangeables that either call for compromise or exit.
bozwa Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 It's funny; I just had this conversation with my best friend the other day. There are a lot of things I never thought I would be willing to compromise on; however, I think when you meet the right person, it's definitely a possibility. I believe in compromising behaviors; NOT comporomising YOURSELF or who you ARE. Wanted to get that straight right there. LOL Things off the top of my head I have compromised over: When my BF and I first moved in together, I realized he's kinda lazy, doesn't help out much around the house as I'd hoped he would. We had several disagreements over this, but have come to conclusions and compromising together. Maybe he hates to do dishes and won't do them, and he hates to cook. So I'll do dishes and cook. Fine. However, I hate hate hate to vacuum and do floors and take out trash. So that's his job. We work together on other housework like cleaning up clutter and laundry. I do the grocery shopping, he takes care of the cars, etc etc. I have worked on my temper as well. My BF is very laid back; he has only ever raised his voice to me when I started yelling first and he couldn't get a word in edgewise. When we first started dating, I yelled, I threw things, i said things just to be mean and also came so far as to nearly hit him (bring my fists down on his chest). That was my turning point. I am not that person, nor do I ever want to be. So I worked on and am still working on myself. For him AND for myself; we both deserve it. We have disagreements now, but nearly never have uproarious fights like we used to. I think that was a good compromise on my part. There's more, but I'd say those have been my two biggest.
burningashes Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My SO is a police officer, and I've had to make adjustments to my life to make room for him. For instance, there are places in the city where he can't go off duty for safety reasons, so we compromise and go else where. He can't be tied to people who use drugs, even if I'm not a drug user, I cut out some of my acquiantances (sp?) because they use drugs. It's been beneficial for both of us so far Is that considered compromising? Or making adjustments? Is it the same thing?
bozwa Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Is that considered compromising? Or making adjustments? Is it the same thing? I would consider it the same thing really. Adjusting how you would normally live your life, small or big, would be making a compromise for the greater good of a relationship.
carhill Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 How long did you know each other? 18 months before we got married. After my work in MC, I could clearly remember signs from that period, but was truly ignorant of them in the moment. Honeymoon period-itus Looking back, with what I know now, I wouldn't have married her, if only to preserve her sanity Seriously, IMO, without proper psychological tools, high/low energy relationships are exceedingly difficult, even with the "in love" part.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 18 months before we got married. After my work in MC, I could clearly remember signs from that period, but was truly ignorant of them in the moment. Honeymoon period-itus Looking back, with what I know now, I wouldn't have married her, if only to preserve her sanity Seriously, IMO, without proper psychological tools, high/low energy relationships are exceedingly difficult, even with the "in love" part. That's interesting. I've got the same issues. I'm going constantly with my mind and body, where SO sleeps more, takes naps, it's like we're on different time tables or something. I find it stressful sometimes but I have never been able to figure out why......
fral945 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 There’s very little I won’t compromise on. The ones that are the most set in stone are: 1) Food (I have to eat regularly and eat very healthy most of the time, though occasionally eating junk is fine) 2) Sleep (I need 7-8 hrs/night on average, though a night or two of less won’t kill me) 3) Sex (I require a certain amount of sex. Length of time, type, etc. can be compromised) 4) Alone time (I need a certain amount of time to myself to recharge, which varies depending on the person) 5) Financial accountability (I could not live with someone who is fiscally irresponsible) Other than those, everything else is fair game. What type of music to listen to in the car, where to eat out, what to do for fun, how to divvy up housework, how to decorate, what to watch on TV, etc. aren’t important to me and I generally pander to the woman in those situations. I think a key is to find someone who isn't the polar opposite of you in terms of important factors. That way both people can compromise without feeling like they are giving up as much.
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 1) Food (I have to eat regularly and eat very healthy most of the time, though occasionally eating junk is fine) 2) Sleep (I need 7-8 hrs/night on average, though a night or two of less won’t kill me) 3) Sex (I require a certain amount of sex. Length of time, type, etc. can be compromised) 4) Alone time (I need a certain amount of time to myself to recharge, which varies depending on the person) 5) Financial accountability (I could not live with someone who is fiscally irresponsible) These seem quite reasonable. Though I bet you would have a positive influence on someone in terms of food. Not too many people would continue to eat junk if they knew better and had some guidance in eating well.
fral945 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 These seem quite reasonable. Though I bet you would have a positive influence on someone in terms of food. Not too many people would continue to eat junk if they knew better and had some guidance in eating well. Possibly, but I've found that most women (and it probably applies to people in general) don't like being told what they are doing wrong or how to live their lives. So I generally look for women who are already somewhat health conscious.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 This question came out of the last thread I began, and I thought it needed it's own place. There have been a lot of threads about the ideal mate and the deal breakers, but inquiring minds want to know, what are the compromises you are willing to make for a relationship with the right person? This can include things in the person (looks, education, income, etc) or things within the relationship itself. Please try to stay away from what you won't compromise on. This is about what we are willing to put aside or work with to be with someone else. It depends on the person and if it's a need or a want. I can compromise needs but I won't roll-over for them. Say someone meets 90% of my needs and is willing to compromise on the last 10%. GAME ON, BABY!
Author Capricciosa Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Say someone meets 90% of my needs and is willing to compromise on the last 10%. GAME ON, BABY! You mean he does the last 10% of compromising? Hardly seems fair when he's packing the other 90% already. I read a good book called If the Buddha Dated, and there was an interesting exercise to work out needs and wants. I was quite surprised where my ultimate needs were and what was desired but not necessary. It boiled down to about 5 things that covered material, psychological and spiritual needs. It's good to sort these things out--it really shows you whether the person you're with stand a chance at even getting close...
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 You mean he does the last 10% of compromising? Hardly seems fair when he's packing the other 90% already. I read a good book called If the Buddha Dated, and there was an interesting exercise to work out needs and wants. I was quite surprised where my ultimate needs were and what was desired but not necessary. It boiled down to about 5 things that covered material, psychological and spiritual needs. It's good to sort these things out--it really shows you whether the person you're with stand a chance at even getting close... Don't forget that you or I will be packing potentially the other 100%+, from his side.
Recommended Posts