LadyCakes Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 [sIZE=2]Hello everyone, thank you for the replies. I just wanted to log on after the Christmas period, say hello and let you know how it all went. Well I have to say that I actually had a lovely Christmas day and boxing day with my boyfriend. Yes the morning was dull as I was on my own waiting for him to get back from being round there with his son but to be honest by the time I had had a bath and got ready it was mid day anyway and he came to pick me up so I wasn't sitting around for hours twiddling my thumbs! We had a really nice day together. We went for a few drinks and then went back to his and cooked Christmas dinner for the two of us and then exchanged presents. He had gone out and brought a few nice things to make the table look Christmassy and even though we looked a little sad sitting there in his flat just the two of us it was really lovely. He loved his presents and he got me some really nice things too. So, all in all a good Christmas and he said he had a lovely day. Getting back to reality though, now that the sleigh bells have all gone I realise from your replies and my own misgivings that something between us are just not right. There are tons of red flags popping up all the time and these will need to be addressed if he and I are going to continue in our relationship. I agree that he hasn't been respecting me and this is the big issue for me. When he and I were having an A there were certain things that I had to put up with as the OW but now he has made a decision and left the W and is now with me I think the dynamic between us has changed and where I couldn't demand respect in most areas as a OW I certainly can now that I am his GF. Were there any bad things over Christmas...not really..well apart from two things which I'll explain briefly. Firstly he had his mobile phone switched off all day. Not that I wanted to call him as I was with him but im wondering how much I should read into this. On the one hand he obviously had lied to is exW saying that he would be at work for the remainder of xmas day and boxing day so didn't want her calling and some how figuring out that he wasn't at work..not sure how she would have but I get why he might have done this if this was his reason. However, it made me feel uncomfortable for some reason..like he was hiding something from me...even though I think I know that what he is hiding is ME...if that makes sense. Anyway, what do you all think? Secondly, and im not proud of this but when he went out to get some more wine I had a bit of a snoop around....like I say im not proud of it and to be honest I don't know even what I was looking for but I have all these doubts in my mind I just gave into my nosiness. Anyway, I found some photos in a brown envelope. Nothing wrong there, everyone has photos from their past but these were of his exW and him when she was pregnant. I must admit I was overcome with jealousy seeing them there together looking all happy with her bump etc...but then again why shouldn't he have these, they must be special memories. To be honest they actually made ME feel quite guilty that im now in his life, seeing her in the pictures looking all happy, and now he has left. Anyhow, it wasn't those pictures that upset me really it was the ones behind them. Photos of my boyfriend his ex and their son, all taken professionally. From looking at their son I think they must have been taken about 4-5 months ago when he was a bit younger. The thing that upset me was that the two of them were holding their son in these photos while looking at each other lovingly and it made my heart sink. The thing is I can remember him telling he went to the photographer and had some pictures of his son done...he just left out the fact that his ex was going to be part of it too. We were well into our A at this stage and it was being discussed him leaving her etc. Actually thinking about it, I think he actually stayed at mine that same night as the photo shoot. I have been going over this in my mind and as much as it hurts me I think I have to remind myself that when these pictures were taken he and I were just having an A, we were not a couple and he was still with the ex, having a relationship so its only normal that they would have still been doing couple things. It just makes me think "what else didn't he tell me about?". What do you think everyone, should I just forget about the pictures or do you think I have to read further into them? Anyway, its a new year soon and in the next couple of months we are going to see what happened. I mean I am going to see what happens regarding him telling his ex about us etc and how we move on with our relationship. I think I am going to have to sit down with him soon and just be honest about all the things that upset me, what I want/need to change and what I expect from him in our relationship. To be honest I don't even know where to start though. What does everyone think I should say to him when I have this talk with him. I don't want to come across as a nag but like someone said on here, I just want to give him a wake up call. LC [/sIZE]
moonshadow Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Of course you're going to snoop. Of course you're going to be suspicious when he has his phoned turned off. Men like this have PROVEN that they're selfish, conniving, dishonest, deceitful. They've been this way to their wives and the mothers of their children, you think they're going to somehow be any different with you? Welcome to the nightmare of many wives who suspect their husband is having an affair. It's ironic, isn't it? How can you respect a man who was ****ing you one night but there with his FAMILY and having professional photos done the next day; photos that give the appearance of him loving his wife? Doesn't that make you feel cheap and dirty?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 When he and I were having an A there were certain things that I had to put up with as the OW but now he has made a decision and left the W and is now with me I think the dynamic between us has changed and where I couldn't demand respect in most areas as a OW I certainly can now that I am his GF. And herein lies the problem. You and he were compatible as OW and MM. Don't be surprised to find that you and he will have some trouble as GF and BF. Some MM don't hold up well under that trouble, and find that they prefer things the way they were during the affair, and pack up and head back home. It usually happens a month or three after moving out of the home, when reality sets in and they find themselves wanting their old life back. They call them TOW dippers. You can read about it here: http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/towdipper.html I'm not implying that things are going to go in that direction, but you really need to be prepared for any outcome: including the one that happens more often than not.
jj33 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Oh LadyCakes. My heart goes out to you. This doesnt sound good - the pictures are very troubling. Listen to your intuition. DONT override it. The thing is we put so so much effort into these relationships that when we see bad things we dont want to credit them. We want to say thats ok it will be ok we can move past this... because we have been through so much and invested so much. But its a new year. Maybe just maybe this is a good time to step back. To say is this what I want? I thought it was it looked like it felt like it smelt like it... but maybe right now it is not what it could be in the future or what I thought it might be 6 months ago. Sometimes persistence is our best friend. Other times it causes us to hang on when perhaps we should not. Just something to think about. Godspeed.
jwi71 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I have read and followed your story. Sadly Ladycakes I think you will become another statistic : relationships that are born of an A simply don't last - few and far between. That twisting in your gut is telling you something. Ignore me, ignore the others, ignore everyone who tells you what you don't like or want to hear. But do NOT ignore your gut. Do NOT ignore that whisper in your ear. He is a liar and a cheater. Proven. Many times over. Step back as best you can and evaluate him. Your life will be one surprise discovery after another ala the photos. I would urge you, to whatever degree possible, to step back and critically evaluate him. You are boarding the Titanic.
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I am surprised that you would think he would suddenly become truthful and honest because he left his W. He lied to her, what makes you different? If you thought that the fantasy was real you are in for a rude awakening. IMO
Trimmer Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 ...something between us are just not right. ...tons of red flags popping up all the time.... ...he hasn't been respecting me.... ...it made me feel uncomfortable for some reason..like he was hiding something from me... ...I was overcome with jealousy.... It just makes me think "what else didn't he tell me about?" Hmmm... It sounds like now that he is yours, you are feeling a lot of the same feelings that a spouse feels when she suspects she is being cheated on. I think I am going to have to sit down with him soon and just be honest about all the things that upset me, what I want/need to change and what I expect from him in our relationship. To be honest I don't even know where to start though. What does everyone think I should say to him when I have this talk with him. I don't want to come across as a nag but like someone said on here, I just want to give him a wake up call. A man joins with a woman, assuming she will stay the same, and is surprised when she eventually changes. A woman joins with a man, assuming that she will be able to change him, and is surprised when he stays the same. Incidentally, when you have that talk with him, I wonder if he'll obfuscate, turn it all back around on you as being your problems - or problems you created - or even better, somehow make you think you're crazy, that this is all in your head. It's probably in his script.
smarterthanbefore Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I agree with moonshadow, don't be surprised to find yourself switching roles with his xwife, afterall, he now has an open position for another OW to fill. He is not to be trusted, he is a cheater, but you already know that from first hand experince with him. Welcome to the world of being paranoid and wondering if he is cheating on you like he did her. After all, you fought hard for this role and won.
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