LiveandLearn Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Back at work after a long weekend and I'm just feeling downright depressed. I'm finding myself spiraling back down that path of depression and anxiety. I had an awesome Christmas weekend. I went snowboarding with some friends. But the minute I got back home, BAM..it just hit me like a ton of bricks; I started to obsess about my estranged husband and that wench (again). I still don't know or have any proof that SHE met up with him in San Francisco, but my gut just tells me that she did. He had left his truck here at work over the holiday weekend. So it only makes sense that SHE took him to the airport last Wednesday and SHE somehow escaped her family and Husband and met up with him in San Francisco and THEY drove back down together on Sunday and then they carpooled to work today. I know I shouldn't be caring what HE or THEY do. Their affair won't last long, but even if it does, who cares? I know I need to live MY life. Sometimes I wish I can just turn my mind off; put it in hibernate mode....something. I did what I know I shouldn't be doing; I checked his email, his bank account, his facebook...just to see what he's been up to. Yeah, it didn't make me feel any better. I know I'm doing this to myself. I was doing so well, too. I hate how he occupies my mind without even trying. I'm still working on getting my identity back. This is no easy process. Sorry, I just needed to vent
Just_dealin_with_it Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 First of all, I would stop checking any personal things of his (email, facebook, etc.). This can only lead to more heartache and pain. Resist all urges if possible. Ask him to change passwords if necessary. Secondly, consider what he is doing... seeing someone else who is also married. Not good! Remember his choices are selfish and are not being done to you, but done by him. Would you ever consider being in a relationship with someone that you knew would do this kind of thing? Of course not. You have to realize that whoever he was, or whoever you thought he was is no longer there. He is not someone you could or should be with. Even if you could have him back, would you want him back? How would things be different this time around? I know it's very difficult because despite what is happening you still care and love this person. Acceptance of what has happened is the key. However this will only happen in time, unfortunately it usually does not come instantaneously. Every time you feel down or depressed, try to refocus your thoughts positively. Read something inspirational (I would suggest Dr. Wayne Dyer), listen to an uplifting song, hang with friends/family, etc. Try to focus on yourself, find your center again, learn to love who you are no matter what anyone else thinks, and realize that "there is no way to happiness, rather happiness is the way". P.S. I haven't perfected any of this stuff, but I'm trying. We're all in the same boat together... just hang in there.
saturnfell Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Hi L&L, I know this probably isn't the best advice, but: Regardless of what he's doing right now, you cannot control his actions, whereabouts, etc. Since you cannot control this, try your best to push it out of your mind. He's going to do what he's doing and make the mistakes he's making. You're not going to try and stop him, so don't worry about it. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and cares for you. Who will take you places and will not leave you behind. Don't beat yourself up over speculation of what you think is happening. Even if you are correct in this instance, the fun and excitement of it all will wear away. You work in the same establishment I take it? Park on the other side of the parking lot, change your routine to be opposite his. Do everything different and distant from what he's doing / where he is. Oh and P.S. if you do work with him: Keep your head up, it's his loss and girl look your damn best everyday!!! Exude confidence and be your beautiful self! Seriously, go to work tomorrow and everyday after looking immaculate and always have a smile on (even if it kills you, you'll feel better at the end of each day) If you're feeling down, bathroom break! Look in the mirror and say something good about yourself. Keep a list on you of all your positive traits. Reference it when you feel a wave of upset ready to flood the gates.
jc Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 The relapsing part of grief is really really hard. I actually seem to go through this each day: I wake up in the morning feeling quite low and have difficulty getting out of bed. The sadness, obsessive thoughts stay with me usually until early evening. By late evening (7 or 8pm) until I go to bed around midnight I feel pretty fabulous. I feel strong, I KNOW that this is for the best, I even wish him happiness, etc. And then I wake up feeling like crap. But so far, the intensity of the pain each day is fading a little bit at a time, which is a blessing. So I guess what I'm saying is that the grief and heartbreak seems to come in waves. You had a great weekend, you were feeling strong, and then bam! The grief is back. But this current wave of sadness and upset that you are going through is going to recede...And then come back, but probably as a smaller wave. BUT: to get to those smaller waves you have to stop punishing yourself by looking at his facebook, email, etc. It's so so so hard, I know. In my last major relationship (before this breakup), I went on that way for 3 YEARS. I seriously spent 3 years going back and forth with this person, seeing each other, getting back together, then breaking up at which point I would begin checking his email, keeping tabs on him through myspace, etc. And all it ever got me was a long, drawn-out break up. I guess I didn't have to go through the immediate shock of NC, I just did it the 'easier' (yeah right!) much-longer way. I don't advise this! I only really started to truly get over that relationship from the time that I cut off ALL contact. It's been over a year since then and I barely think of him now, and I never thought I would get to that point. So, just know that this current wave of sadness/obsessive thinking, etc. IS going to get better. And try your best to accept that the grief will come back at points until you fully heal. Like Just dealing with it said, I haven't perfected these things either! But it has helped me to understand that grief comes in waves and that is fine.
teerockness Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Yikes... I would definitely recommend "de-friending" in Facebook. While you're at it, try and lose his e-mail password. All I can say is that "ex-snooping" is like picking at a scab - it just makes things worse (although I'm sure you know that).
Author LiveandLearn Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Secondly, consider what he is doing... seeing someone else who is also married. Not good! Remember his choices are selfish and are not being done to you, but done by him. Would you ever consider being in a relationship with someone that you knew would do this kind of thing? Of course not. You have to realize that whoever he was, or whoever you thought he was is no longer there. He is not someone you could or should be with. Even if you could have him back, would you want him back? How would things be different this time around? I know it's very difficult because despite what is happening you still care and love this person. Acceptance of what has happened is the key. However this will only happen in time, unfortunately it usually does not come instantaneously. Every time you feel down or depressed, try to refocus your thoughts positively. Read something inspirational (I would suggest Dr. Wayne Dyer), listen to an uplifting song, hang with friends/family, etc. Try to focus on yourself, find your center again, learn to love who you are no matter what anyone else thinks, and realize that "there is no way to happiness, rather happiness is the way". You speak the truth. You all do. It helps to hear these things from people, other than myself. I do believe that everything happens for a reason; I'm still trying figure out that reason. I try to ingrain it into my head that this IS for the best (our separation, that is) and I KNOW that I probably shouldn't be with this man, but my heart and my mind are at a constant battle and neither of them seems to be winning. Like most, I tend to dwell on how it USED to be; on how GOOD it was. I don't want to focus on the bad parts. I am trying to just appreciate all the wonderful memories we shared and all that I have learned from him and from our relationship in general and just move on. It's hard focusing on myself now when I've been so used to focusing on him or our relationship. If you're feeling down, bathroom break! That made me laugh I don't know how many times I've had "bathroom breaks" these past few months.
Author LiveandLearn Posted January 7, 2009 Author Posted January 7, 2009 Christ, I am trying so hard to not cry here at work. I haven't cried about him, about us in a long while. I just had to look at his damn pictures; pictures of them together...looking "happy". He came over Jan. 2nd to pick something up. We hugged. He told me he loved me and missed me. I was hesitant to say it back, but I did. God knows I never would have said it first. He seemed sincere. He looked like he missed me and my family. I tried playing it cool, like I wasn't just a little bit happy to see him. I txted him yesterday saying Happy Birthday. He txtd me back "Thank you". And I left it at that. I was fine, up until this morning. Then I just had to be nosy. I couldn't ignore my curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat....but satisfaction brought it back. I guess, in a way, seeing those pictures will help/motivate me (eventually) to move on from the past. I want to get off of this freakin' rollercoaster already!!
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