angryyoungman70 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My wife and I seperated 4 months ago after 18 years together. Initially, I was like a chained up dog who has just broken loose....and ran "off-leash" for a number of weeks. I eventually ran out of breath, and decided simply to focus on myself and my kids (whom I've been fortunate to be with almost every day since I left), and have absolutely nothing to do with memebers of the opposite sex. My stbx, kids and I had Christmas dinner with some friends and were heading back to our part of town when she mentioned going out with one of her new boyfriends. I immediately felt a sharp knife cut through me, but tried not to show it. Next day she was working until 4 and called me to tell me she would be 2 hours late, as she was going to fill in for someone who didn't show up. After about 3 hours, I called her to see how she was making out and go no answer. The kids called her several times as well and didn't reach her. She finally comes home, 6 hours later in a fantastic mood (very unlike her if she has to work even 5 minutes more than she bargained for) and freshly showered to boot. I told her that we tried calling her and she simply said that she turned her phone off. I am not stupid and asked that she be more considerate in the future, as we were genuinely worried about her. She puts up NO defence and says that she will... Next day I go to pick up my kids to take them shopping. She calls and tells me that she's sending them out of town for a week, as they have been pining for thier cousins. I ask my daugter and she said that neither her nor her brother said anything of the sort and were told that day that they were going out of town. I once again am not stupid, but this time, I mention it to my kids that I think she's just dumping them off so she can get together with her bf for whatever plans he's proposed to her...My daughter speaks to the stbx later that day and stbx gets in a huff and says it was not even her idea for them to go away...says her sister offered to take the kids..blah blah blah...and justifies it up the yin yang. I call her sister to see how the kids are doing last night, and the first thing she says was how it was all her idea..yada yada yada, totally covering for her sister. Anyhow, I shouldn't even really care, but it hurts more that I ever imagined it would...especially over the holidays. I'm trying to move on and move forward, but the last few days have set me back some. All of the emotions that I hoped to be gone are back again in full force. I'm actually glad to be back at work today.
LEANER1 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Hey man. The holidays are definitely roughin a situation like yours. Dealing with a habitual liar really does suck. I'm sure you are trying to stay with it for the kids but who is going to have your back. Kids are important but so is your sanity and well being. If she does not have enough respect to be honest to you or the children, it is either time to confront her or walk. She seems like she would try to use the kids as a pawn through this so be aware and document everything. It may help down the road. Truly sorry about your situation, fortuneately there are many of us here to help keep you afloat. Be strong bro.............. leaner
Author angryyoungman70 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Hey man. The holidays are definitely roughin a situation like yours. Dealing with a habitual liar really does suck. I'm sure you are trying to stay with it for the kids but who is going to have your back. Kids are important but so is your sanity and well being. If she does not have enough respect to be honest to you or the children, it is either time to confront her or walk. She seems like she would try to use the kids as a pawn through this so be aware and document everything. It may help down the road. Truly sorry about your situation, fortuneately there are many of us here to help keep you afloat. Be strong bro.............. leaner Thanks bro. Yes she has made it crystal clear that once I get a lawyer involved in our divorce that she will use the kids as weapons..said she'd make me go bankrupt trying to see them..really she's got nothing on me at all, just makes me mad that she would even say such a thing. I know that her divorced sisters and recently divorced friends are poisinging her ears...as I've had to use a BS filter as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My wife and I seperated 4 months ago after 18 years together. Look at it this way - you had 18 years to build the emotions and the bond, it's not going to go away in 4 months. I've been divorced from my cheating ex-wife for 25 years and very happily remarried for 20. So why do I still get a pang of jealousy when I hear about her with someone else? Some things are just that way. From experience, I'd avoid any negative talk about Mom with the kids ("I mention it to my kids that I think she's just dumping them off so she can get together with her bf for whatever plans he's proposed to her..."). It doesn't benefit anyone and you'll find that they will form their own perceptions regardless. Hang in there... Mr. Lucky
Author angryyoungman70 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Look at it this way - you had 18 years to build the emotions and the bond, it's not going to go away in 4 months. I've been divorced from my cheating ex-wife for 25 years and very happily remarried for 20. So why do I still get a pang of jealousy when I hear about her with someone else? Some things are just that way. From experience, I'd avoid any negative talk about Mom with the kids ("I mention it to my kids that I think she's just dumping them off so she can get together with her bf for whatever plans he's proposed to her..."). It doesn't benefit anyone and you'll find that they will form their own perceptions regardless. Hang in there... Mr. Lucky Thanks for the kind words. I realized immediately after I said it to the kids that I should have kept my mouth shut, and have for the most part refrained from saying anything negative about my stbx to my kids...this one slipped out. I realize that it has only been 4 months and these feelings don't go away overnight. I even briefly considered the possibility of us getting back together after perusing the divorcebusters website yesterday, much to the chargrin of my close friends and family. Fortunately this was a brief lapse....and I think it's probably normal for human beings to want what they can't have.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I realize that it has only been 4 months and these feelings don't go away overnight. I even briefly considered the possibility of us getting back together after perusing the divorcebusters website yesterday, much to the chargrin of my close friends and family. Fortunately this was a brief lapse....and I think it's probably normal for human beings to want what they can't have. My prediction: You'll have this impulse more than once. Learning to deal with it and its place within the context of your current life is part of the process. Sharing custody of the kids together complicates the situation even more. How do you accord her the consideration and respect she's due as the mother of your childen while separating your lives as husband and wife? It's easy to understand why divorce is a cottage industry all unto itself ... Mr. Lucky
sally4sara Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 My wife and I seperated 4 months ago after 18 years together. Initially, I was like a chained up dog who has just broken loose....and ran "off-leash" for a number of weeks. I eventually ran out of breath, and decided simply to focus on myself and my kids (whom I've been fortunate to be with almost every day since I left), and have absolutely nothing to do with memebers of the opposite sex. You feel more justified to knock the dust off than your ex because.....? My stbx, kids and I had Christmas dinner with some friends and were heading back to our part of town when she mentioned going out with one of her new boyfriends. I immediately felt a sharp knife cut through me, but tried not to show it. Next day she was working until 4 and called me to tell me she would be 2 hours late, as she was going to fill in for someone who didn't show up. After about 3 hours, I called her to see how she was making out and go no answer. The kids called her several times as well and didn't reach her. She finally comes home, 6 hours later in a fantastic mood (very unlike her if she has to work even 5 minutes more than she bargained for) and freshly showered to boot. I told her that we tried calling her and she simply said that she turned her phone off. I am not stupid and asked that she be more considerate in the future, as we were genuinely worried about her. She puts up NO defence and says that she will... Next day I go to pick up my kids to take them shopping. She calls and tells me that she's sending them out of town for a week, as they have been pining for thier cousins. I ask my daugter and she said that neither her nor her brother said anything of the sort and were told that day that they were going out of town. I once again am not stupid, but this time, I mention it to my kids that I think she's just dumping them off so she can get together with her bf for whatever plans he's proposed to her...My daughter speaks to the stbx later that day and stbx gets in a huff and says it was not even her idea for them to go away...says her sister offered to take the kids..blah blah blah...and justifies it up the yin yang. I call her sister to see how the kids are doing last night, and the first thing she says was how it was all her idea..yada yada yada, totally covering for her sister. Anyhow, I shouldn't even really care, but it hurts more that I ever imagined it would...especially over the holidays. I'm trying to move on and move forward, but the last few days have set me back some. All of the emotions that I hoped to be gone are back again in full force. I'm actually glad to be back at work today. And you feel so strongly that she can't have her time "off leash" like you did that you should bad mouth her and corral the kids into harassing her for you? You should go checking up on her motives with her family members? I don't agree with her being a parent and unreachable, but she should be able to expect you to be a reliable parent in her absence. Was there an emergency:confused: concerning the kids that caused you and the kids to continuously call her or did you just hate that she might be enjoying being "off leash" a little more than you're comfortable with? Maybe she'll run out of breath eventually too. I'm baaacccckkk.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 You feel more justified to knock the dust off than your ex because.....? And you feel so strongly that she can't have her time "off leash" like you did that you should bad mouth her and corral the kids into harassing her for you? You should go checking up on her motives with her family members? I don't agree with her being a parent and unreachable, but she should be able to expect you to be a reliable parent in her absence. Was there an emergency:confused: concerning the kids that caused you and the kids to continuously call her or did you just hate that she might be enjoying being "off leash" a little more than you're comfortable with? Maybe she'll run out of breath eventually too. I did not say that what's good for the Gander is not good for the Goose. Simply stating facts and feelings. She began dating the moment I left where it took me almost two months before I "tried" dating. As for running loose, I simply went out quite a bit and re-connected with single friends that I was dissalowed to visit when married. No right or wrong here for either. Uh, I never said that she shouldn't be able to "find herself" or run off leash. Just once again stating facts and feelings. And of course people gwho have had thier heart broken generally don't appreciate having it rubed in thier faces. Would you? I did not corral the kids into harrassing her. They were calling her because she's usually quite responsible and was running several hours late and was unreachable. Had she said that she would be late or going out, then it's not an issue, but when her job is driving a bus and the roads are treacherous, one starts to be concerned about someone they care about. There was also an issue of her sister picking up her dog, and that was one of the reasons I was trying to reach her, notwithstanding the fact that she was several hours late and I was concerned about her. As for bad mouthing her, perhaps you should re-read where I stated that I made a mistake in saying what I said...even though I validated the facts with her recently, and she admitted that was why she sent the kids off...in any case I generally don't bad mouth anyone. Period. Oh, and maybe you should also re-read where I called her sister's place (where my kids are staying) to talk to my kids, and her sister right after saying hello, started telling me how it was all her idea.... Where do you get this stuff? I can appreciate you trying to look at the picture from a different angle, but you seem to have a hate on for me.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 My prediction: You'll have this impulse more than once. Learning to deal with it and its place within the context of your current life is part of the process. Sharing custody of the kids together complicates the situation even more. How do you accord her the consideration and respect she's due as the mother of your childen while separating your lives as husband and wife? It's easy to understand why divorce is a cottage industry all unto itself ... Mr. Lucky You are most likey correct Mr. Lucky. While it hasn't been easy, we've mostly been able to keep things civil and respectful. While I have made a couple of slip ups when feeling disjointed and overly emotional, she has as well. Our kids fortunately have good heads on thier shoulders and afford us each equal respect and will "share" with either of us when one of us says something out of turn. We have also been able to appologise to one another and the kids when something like this happens and move on from it. It's obvious to me that I care about her still as evidenced by what I continually do for her. Even with the kids out of town, I'm heading over to her place to take care of the dog after work today as she is working late. It is her dog, not mine and I offered this for her, she did not ask. I even asked her today if she would like tickets to a friend's concert here in town on the weekend. Pathetic? Perhaps our venomous female friend would agree with that.
sally4sara Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I did not say that what's good for the Gander is not good for the Goose. Simply stating facts and feelings. She began dating the moment I left where it took me almost two months before I "tried" dating. As for running loose, I simply went out quite a bit and re-connected with single friends that I was dissalowed to visit when married. No right or wrong here for either. Uh, I never said that she shouldn't be able to "find herself" or run off leash. Just once again stating facts and feelings. And of course people gwho have had thier heart broken generally don't appreciate having it rubed in thier faces. Would you? I did not corral the kids into harrassing her. They were calling her because she's usually quite responsible and was running several hours late and was unreachable. Had she said that she would be late or going out, then it's not an issue, but when her job is driving a bus and the roads are treacherous, one starts to be concerned about someone they care about. There was also an issue of her sister picking up her dog, and that was one of the reasons I was trying to reach her, notwithstanding the fact that she was several hours late and I was concerned about her. As for bad mouthing her, perhaps you should re-read where I stated that I made a mistake in saying what I said...even though I validated the facts with her recently, and she admitted that was why she sent the kids off...in any case I generally don't bad mouth anyone. Period. Oh, and maybe you should also re-read where I called her sister's place (where my kids are staying) to talk to my kids, and her sister right after saying hello, started telling me how it was all her idea.... Where do you get this stuff? I can appreciate you trying to look at the picture from a different angle, but you seem to have a hate on for me. Hate is easily interjected into text by the reader when they are expecting it. You have nothing else (tone, facial expressions) to go on, so its understandable. I only asked you to examine your motives behind the calls during a time where you already suspected what she was up to. I read your back story. It sounds clear to me that one or both of you grew complacent and the passion died as a result. You both probably own some responsibility for it. Whatever. But in your actions, try to examine the motives behind them to make sure they are: 1, in your kid's best interest. 2, helping you find peace in your life and thats it No hate to it. Just wanting to point out where your actions as described in your post did not include these two aims.
Author angryyoungman70 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Hate is easily interjected into text by the reader when they are expecting it. You have nothing else (tone, facial expressions) to go on, so its understandable. I only asked you to examine your motives behind the calls during a time where you already suspected what she was up to. I read your back story. It sounds clear to me that one or both of you grew complacent and the passion died as a result. You both probably own some responsibility for it. Whatever. But in your actions, try to examine the motives behind them to make sure they are: 1, in your kid's best interest. 2, helping you find peace in your life and thats it No hate to it. Just wanting to point out where your actions as described in your post did not include these two aims. Absolutely, I certainly own up to my end of the "end". Whereas one may grow complacent, if the other does not, then typically frustration and resentment follow. Since this process began, I always try to place our kids' best interest as priority number 1. My actions regarding trying to reach her were not entirely selfish. I did not suspect that she was out with her bf at all while she was unreachable. And I certainly am smart enough to know when I've made a mistake and decent enough to admit when I am wrong. People do make mistakes from time to time. Have you? As far as finding peace in my life, I appreciate the sentiment but really don't see how this has any bearing on the situation.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Pathetic? Perhaps our venomous female friend would agree with that. No, I don't think it's pathetic . The reality is that, with kids involved, you're going to be part of each other's lives for decades to come. Isn't it better to have that relationship be civil and (maybe someday) friendly? I had every reason to hate my exW and will admit that I entertained every morbid fantasy ("What if she tripped and fell slowly into a wood chipper?") that one could envision early on. But just as you get tired of being unhappy in marriage, one tires of being unhappy in divorce. It just takes time... Mr. lucky
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