ConfusedAtHome Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Hi all, I have posted here occasionally, but wanted some advice with an update of my situation. Here goes: My partner and I of 3 years broke up about 2 months ago (she broke up with me). She ended it b/c she was basically having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We have to still live together b/c of housing situations out of our control. We have been cordially getting along and doing as best we can. She began sleeping with someone she has known for a while and has essentially been wild for these past few weeks. I have gone about my life and tried to ignore this. Now, she is saying she has missed me. She wants to end whatever it is she is doing with this other woman b/c "it's going nowhere good". She apologized to me for how she handled the situation and for hurting me. She's worried that we didn't try enough (she didn't want counseling), but I feel she got to make all the decisions about the end of our relationship and I had no choice. We have been affectionate and I miss that with her. I thought I would spend my life with her and we had made plans to do so before all of this. Now, what does this mean? I'm terribly confused. Did she see the grass isn't always greener? Does she truly miss me? Is she just lonely and I happen to be there b/c of our living situation? Any insight would be helpful. I'm at a loss and I'm confused.
Stone Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Is this the first time this has happened? Or is she always looking for a plan b? I would not give in so easily, then she will walk all over you and take you for granted... make her work for it.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Is this the first time this has happened? Or is she always looking for a plan b? I would not give in so easily, then she will walk all over you and take you for granted... make her work for it. This is the first time this has happened. I'm not giving in, but I am interested in what she is feeling. And the regret that she MAY be feeling. Is it true regret? Or is she lonely? I don't know the answers to those questions.
CaliGuy Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Whether it's regret or not, the one thing you have to do is show her that it's not "OK" to take you for granted. Trust must be earned. I'm really of the opinion of once they take you for granted, they will do it again. It's merely a matter of time. I really believe that it's better to give someone else a first chance than someone who has burned you a second chance. I understand you want things to work out. My best advice? Go read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). All the advice you need to handle a situation like this is in that book. Cheers
georgejungle Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 this very thing happened to me. my gal (at the time) went thru a wild phase, was staying out all night, hanging with a new co-worker gal who was wild and was flirting with some other co-worker dude. She broke up with me. We lived together so it was hard and awkward, but i dealed with it. LATER, she felt it was wrong of her and wanted me back. So i took her back. 2 months later, the same thing. THEN she came crawling back when she started not liking the other girl she was so buddy-buddy with. Don't fall for it and make sure you feelings and thoughts are known and heard by her. Tell her if she does it again, youre out of there. And use CAUTION with girls like this. They can be wishy washy when they don't know what they want. if it were me and I was in your situation, i'd not take her back, no matter how much i missed our "thing". Nobody's perfect, but it's not cool to be taken for granted. It's up to you.
BCCA Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 b/c "it's going nowhere good" So, its not that your a wonderful person that she was a complete fool for leaving, its just that this other thing isnt going anywhere good. See my point here? So whats going to happen when someone else strikes her fancy? The EXACT same thing again, trust me. Been there, dont that. As a wise man once said, the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. I could point out some more reasons I think this is crap: She didnt want to go to counseling, but then said 'we' (meaning, both of you) didnt try enough. Doesnt that sound like SHE didnt WANT to try? And now its your fault, too? No. And what is she prepared to do to fix things? Cry on your shoulder and hope you'll feel bad if you turn her away? And then there is the apology...shes sorry for the way she handled it, not for what she actually did. The dumping you coldly part was just fine, but maybe she wasnt too nice afterward LOL If it was me, and I'll understand if you dont listen, I wouldnt give her the time of day. Trust me, she'll do the exact same thing again if you let her get away with it.
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 So basically she walked away, tried out another relationship (or whatever it was she did with someone else) and now she wants you back? How selfish of her and how cruel of her seeing as you've been living there, dealing with the loss of saddness of the relationship ending. Don't give in. If anything, suggest couples therapy to her and see if she's willing to go. Maybe with the help of counselling you both can truly figure out what is best to do. I just have a sinking feeling that she's reacting and missing you and isn't thinking of tomorrow or next week, next year.. How can she guarantee you that she won't balk and walk away again? What if she gets bored and feels less again, feels confused? What then? You get to go through this all over again while she decides if she wants to be with you?
georgejungle Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 true, true, she may just be feeling the moment. But once she has you back, months down the road, will she get those urges to try different things again? need to find a stable girl, one who is more secure with herself and what she wants.
BackonTrack2 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 You have to understand that most people here giving advice are the ones who has been hurt in the pass so they develop a guard, a precauationary defense to NOT get hurt again and they want to spear you that pain.... With that said, it doesn't sound like your girl was to INTO you anymore... She left and it didn't work out so now she's coming back hoping she can have what she had before because maybe now she realizes it isn't the same. I dunno, why did she even do that in the FIRST PLACE? If she did it before she'll do it again... Its her nature probably.... Sooner or later, she's going to leave again, maybe 2 years maybe 5, maybe never, maybe tomorrow, who knows.... The question is... Do you want to go through this again? If your willing to risk it, go for it, if not, take it slow, but at the end of the day, its going to be you and her and if you guys/girls can't talk about the issues, its bound to repeat itself so maybe reading those books recommend by CaliGuy will come in handy, but something is going to come up where a book can't help you and then well... who knows whats going to happen..... good luck
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 I think she definitely misses me and is having second thoughts about her decision, but she has a history of making rash decisions without thinking of the reprecusions. My regret with this entire situation is that we didn't try EVERYTHING and that leaves a lot of room for second guessing and all the "what ifs". I believe she needs individual counseling to figure herself out and then if we decide to work on things beyond that, then I"m open to couples counseling. Who knows...there is a fine line between loving someone and letting them dictate your life. And I"m stuck. Thanks everyone for the advice!
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 You tried, or atleast wanted to, and she didn't. She owns that, not you.. IF you had pushed too hard, then she would have reacted by shutting you out even more and run to the OW quicker.. Question is, is SHE willing to go do individual counselling? You tell her the ONLY way you'll even consider taking her back is she has to do this and also cut the OW out of her life. They cannot be friends..I seem to remember she works with the OW so is it possible for her to find or atleast start looking for another job? Or is the OW a friend of hers outside of work (sorry i can't remember).
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 You tried, or atleast wanted to, and she didn't. She owns that, not you.. IF you had pushed too hard, then she would have reacted by shutting you out even more and run to the OW quicker.. Question is, is SHE willing to go do individual counselling? You tell her the ONLY way you'll even consider taking her back is she has to do this and also cut the OW out of her life. They cannot be friends..I seem to remember she works with the OW so is it possible for her to find or atleast start looking for another job? Or is the OW a friend of hers outside of work (sorry i can't remember). I told her the counseling decision was on her, not me. She says she feels confused and thinks she needs to talk with someone. We did begin to sleep with one another (I know, not a good idea), but, of course, it has been amazing. I guess living with one another and the tension that brings spilled over. Also, this was the first holiday in three years we weren't together and we both missed each other. As for the OW, she is out of the picture. But, my ex has been sleeping with some other woman, but has recently said she is ending that, but I don't think she has. I understand I will get ridicule for all of this. But, remarkably I have been able to keep my emotions out of it (for the most part). However, I feel like I need to stop sleeping with her and in the room with her and go back to how it was before because this is a fiasco waiting to happen.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Well, please don't sleep with her again since she's with someone else as well. Not good.. It seems too that you both are hanging on and the passion has been woken up again, but out of desparation..It isn't about making love and sharing intimacy, it's about knowing that things are ending and having that "last" time together. Anyway, if she is confused then she has to sort this out, seek counselling. This is what mature adults do when conflicted..They don't go running off and have sex with someone else and run away from a relationship.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well, please don't sleep with her again since she's with someone else as well. Not good.. It seems too that you both are hanging on and the passion has been woken up again, but out of desparation..It isn't about making love and sharing intimacy, it's about knowing that things are ending and having that "last" time together. Anyway, if she is confused then she has to sort this out, seek counselling. This is what mature adults do when conflicted..They don't go running off and have sex with someone else and run away from a relationship. I realize sleeping with her isn't good. One of our "ruts" is that we let the passion die and she thought we couldn't recover it. Obviously, now the passion is back and we have been having great chemistry. But, it isn't healthy. I think I am going to talk to her this weekend and ask her what are we doing? What does she want? What do either of us want? And are we willing to put in the time to work on it? Any advice on what to say or how to say it? It should be a difficult conversation.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Just speak from your heart and you won't go wrong. Be honest, ask questions, be understanding, listen to her, put yourself in her shoes and hopefully she'll give you the same respect back and understand your thoughts and feelings as well. The passion that has come back isn't based on love, honesty and growth. It's been based on deception, fear, and desparation so please don't think the spark is back because of the recent events that led to the break up. People don't just change all of a sudden so her wanting you, and the confusion on whether or not she wants the relationship to continue is still a huge issue.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Just speak from your heart and you won't go wrong. Be honest, ask questions, be understanding, listen to her, put yourself in her shoes and hopefully she'll give you the same respect back and understand your thoughts and feelings as well. The passion that has come back isn't based on love, honesty and growth. It's been based on deception, fear, and desparation so please don't think the spark is back because of the recent events that led to the break up. People don't just change all of a sudden so her wanting you, and the confusion on whether or not she wants the relationship to continue is still a huge issue. I don't think the spark is back because of love, but I would like to know what you mean by "deception, fear and desperation". She is confused. I am confused. I don't want the relationship to continue how it is or was b/c it was flawed, but we both have to figure out if it is worth fighting for and do we really want to make this work. I don't want to be in the same position in a few years and hurt because I gave in. I'm guarding myself and my heart, but being open enough to the possibility of working on our relationship. Also, this isn't the ideal situation for us to be living together. It doesn't promote closure and really just drags things on. However, it is the situation that we find ourselves in.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 Well, my ex and I talked Saturday about our confusion and what we want...with no real path to follow. She is going to start counseling for herself. She wants to work on it "day-to-day" and I agreed, but it seems like this is a way for her to "have her cake and eat it too". She said she couldn't promise me that she wouldn't be seeing that other woman. We both feel like if we give up we will always wonder "what if", but we are both confused. So, she left Saturday afternoon to hang out with her family and I went with my friends. She kissed me bye and said she loved me and then I didn't hear from her for the rest of the evening and into Sunday. I didn't ask where she had been. I came home yesterday and we watched a movie together and she asked if she could cuddle and I said I didn't know. She put her head on my shoulder and rested. I then left and slept in my room. So, now I'm feeling like S**T. I let her back in and we both have loved being together, but obviously she isn't willing to give up certain things to work on us. She said she doens't want to make a hurried decision and jump back into anything and I don't either. However, I do feel that if we are going to work on us that she should not be in contact with this other woman. Also, she told me how she had fun with the other woman, but now she isn't and it's complicated. I feel like I'm back to where I was and it is my fault. I let it happen. Why does she act a certain way and say things to me indicating that she is open to working on us and then not come home? I guess I know the answer to that...she doesn't want us that much. Sad.
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 Confused, my heart hurts for you.. And you are right, she IS cake eating! I mean, she wants to work on things but on her own terms and with that said, she isn't sure she can be committed to only you. She wants to keep her options open (try out someone else to see how that goes and that also means if 'that' is strong enough she'll jump ship) and that's just cruel to do to you! Time to for her to crap or get off the pot. No more wanting to cuddle and fool around, then turn around and leave to go do whatever she pleases. Ouch! I don't think the spark is back because of love, but I would like to know what you mean by "deception, fear and desperation". Her wanting to work on things isn't about love. It's about her feeling the loss and reacting by hanging onto you. She isn't doing this malciously, but totally selfishly. She isn't thinking of you and how much she is hurting you, her actions have and are showing you this. Hope that makes abit more sense. Anyway, you are handling this the best way you can, but if she is going to continue to pull the disappearing act and do the opposite of what she says she wants, then it's time for you to take control and just end it completely. No more hugs, kisses, cuddles.. She shouldn't be getting ANY affection from you unless she is committed.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 6, 2009 Author Posted January 6, 2009 Confused, my heart hurts for you.. And you are right, she IS cake eating! I mean, she wants to work on things but on her own terms and with that said, she isn't sure she can be committed to only you. She wants to keep her options open (try out someone else to see how that goes and that also means if 'that' is strong enough she'll jump ship) and that's just cruel to do to you! Time to for her to crap or get off the pot. No more wanting to cuddle and fool around, then turn around and leave to go do whatever she pleases. Ouch! Her wanting to work on things isn't about love. It's about her feeling the loss and reacting by hanging onto you. She isn't doing this malciously, but totally selfishly. She isn't thinking of you and how much she is hurting you, her actions have and are showing you this. Hope that makes abit more sense. Anyway, you are handling this the best way you can, but if she is going to continue to pull the disappearing act and do the opposite of what she says she wants, then it's time for you to take control and just end it completely. No more hugs, kisses, cuddles.. She shouldn't be getting ANY affection from you unless she is committed. I always love your commentary WhichWay. I felt like I have been handling this as best I can given that we still have to co-exist in the same house. And I don't regret digressing back to where we were, but I do realize that I must move on. Her actions are clearer than her words. I have not been affectionate and have been sleeping in the guest room again. It's my little form of NC.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2009 Posted January 12, 2009 Thanks for the compliment Confused.. How are things going now? Sleeping in the guest room is probably better for you and no intimacy/affection as well. Why should she get perks and have cuddle time if she isn't into fixing things? Yup, her actions are showing you the reality of things and it's only a matter of time before it completely ends. Neither of you should go on as things are now. It'll just hurt and bring out resentment eventually as well..
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