ConfusedAtHome Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Hi all, I have posted here occasionally, but wanted some advice with an update of my situation. Here goes: My partner and I of 3 years broke up about 2 months ago (she broke up with me). She ended it b/c she was basically having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We have to still live together b/c of housing situations out of our control. We have been cordially getting along and doing as best we can. She began sleeping with someone she has known for a while and has essentially been wild for these past few weeks. I have gone about my life and tried to ignore this. Now, she is saying she has missed me. She wants to end whatever it is she is doing with this other woman b/c "it's going nowhere good". She apologized to me for how she handled the situation and for hurting me. She's worried that we didn't try enough (she didn't want counseling), but I feel she got to make all the decisions about the end of our relationship and I had no choice. We have been affectionate and I miss that with her. I thought I would spend my life with her and we had made plans to do so before all of this. Now, what does this mean? I'm terribly confused. Did she see the grass isn't always greener? Does she truly miss me? Is she just lonely and I happen to be there b/c of our living situation? Any insight would be helpful. I'm at a loss and I'm confused.
MWH Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 So she left you to take a test-drive with someone else and now she wants to use you some more? Are you willing to sell yourself out to her until the next time she wants to go for another test-drive? You deserve better. Move yout, hold your dignity close to your chest, and never look back. You deserve better. Peace, MWH
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 So she left you to take a test-drive with someone else and now she wants to use you some more? Are you willing to sell yourself out to her until the next time she wants to go for another test-drive? You deserve better. Move yout, hold your dignity close to your chest, and never look back. You deserve better. Peace, MWH I know. I just hate that we didn't go to counseling to see if our relationship was salvageable. I wanted it, she didn't. Now she's regretting not going, but I don't know what she wants.
MWH Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I know exactly how you feel: Ripped-off! Like you never got a fair shake. You are putting all of your eggs in HER basket- SHE doesn't want to go, SHE isn't sure what SHE wants. What about YOU? What do YOU want? Do yu want to be strung along at the whim and fancy of a seemingly indecisive woman? Should YOUR well-being and YOUR needs be determined by her? Perhaps an ultimatum is in order? Perhaps tell her that you are not going to be strung along and that either you BOTH go to counselling TOGETHER and she commits to you and you alone 100% right here and now or you are leaving and not coming back. The thing is, pal, you have GOT to mean it. Your needs are just as important as hers and if you allow her to control your well-being you are most likely in for a hell of a crash down the road. Start taking care of YOU right now. Peace, MWH
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 I know exactly how you feel: Ripped-off! Like you never got a fair shake. You are putting all of your eggs in HER basket- SHE doesn't want to go, SHE isn't sure what SHE wants. What about YOU? What do YOU want? Do yu want to be strung along at the whim and fancy of a seemingly indecisive woman? Should YOUR well-being and YOUR needs be determined by her? Perhaps an ultimatum is in order? Perhaps tell her that you are not going to be strung along and that either you BOTH go to counselling TOGETHER and she commits to you and you alone 100% right here and now or you are leaving and not coming back. The thing is, pal, you have GOT to mean it. Your needs are just as important as hers and if you allow her to control your well-being you are most likely in for a hell of a crash down the road. Start taking care of YOU right now. Peace, MWH Thanks MWH for your kind words. I have been doing a good job of taking care of myself...until now. She has just been all over the place and unpredictable and then she starts all of this about missing me, possibly regret. Sitting down and talking with her is an option, but I think she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, so I don't know what she would say.
MWH Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I gave almost three years of my life to someone who was "all over the place" and "unpredictable". I allowed her to control me. By "me" I mean my well-being, etc. I think you are missing the point that it is not up to her to dictate your life and well-being. It is up to YOU. I'm afraid that if you let her call the shots, per se, in the end you are going to end up right back here saying the same thing. Except you'll be older. When you have had enough of her nonsense you will take control of your life rather than leaving it in the hands of someone who is unpredictable and all over the place. I understand where your head is at- you want to give her the benefit of the doubt and you want that fair-shake. By all means do so but be VERY ready to have your head handed to you on a paper plate. Silver platters are reserved for aristocrats and noblemen. Us peasants get the paper plate. ;-). Peace, MWH
saturnfell Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Was she seeing someone else or was this a friend she was going out with a lot and partying? I think I need clarification. If she wasn't seeing this other person, she may have just needed to go out and shake off some extra energy. She probably realizes the mistake she made if this is the case. However... If she was seeing this other person, maybe she feels she made a mistake leaving you, but the decision on whether you take her back or not is your decision. How committed were the two of you?
Just_dealin_with_it Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Something to consider: Regardless of her motivations to do what she did, and regardless of how she feels about it now, are her actions something you could forgive? If she could commit to you, could you live with what has happened, move forward, and not let it affect the relationship in the future?
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Was she seeing someone else or was this a friend she was going out with a lot and partying? I think I need clarification. If she wasn't seeing this other person, she may have just needed to go out and shake off some extra energy. She probably realizes the mistake she made if this is the case. However... If she was seeing this other person, maybe she feels she made a mistake leaving you, but the decision on whether you take her back or not is your decision. How committed were the two of you? She started seeing this person after the break up. They are long time friends who have hook up in the past and they were just out partying and going out a lot. Nothing serious...just sleeping with this person and blowing off steam. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Something to consider: Regardless of her motivations to do what she did, and regardless of how she feels about it now, are her actions something you could forgive? If she could commit to you, could you live with what has happened, move forward, and not let it affect the relationship in the future? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I couldn't double quote, so forgive me. She would need to go to counseling by herself and then couples counseling for us for me to get over this, but would it be worth it to see if we DO have a chance of making it...yes. But, much COUNSELING would be needed and I don't know if she is willing to go. I just know that she has said she regrets not going and doing everything we could to save us.
Goldstar Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I remember your previous thread. So the crush on the straight chick at work didn't pan out for your girl. I'm curious, are they still friends? I remember your girl was wanting freedom and time alone, you willingly gave that to her. Now she thinks she may have made a mistake about breaking up with you? Really it is too bad she didn't agree to the counciling before she decided to break it off with you. It's a little hard now, the horse is out of the barn. If you can forgive her then try again, but just being a third party observer here you are giving her too much power over you. She should be wooing you back and trying really hard to win your love. Is she doing that?
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I remember your previous thread. So the crush on the straight chick at work didn't pan out for your girl. I'm curious, are they still friends? I remember your girl was wanting freedom and time alone, you willingly gave that to her. Now she thinks she may have made a mistake about breaking up with you? Really it is too bad she didn't agree to the counciling before she decided to break it off with you. It's a little hard now, the horse is out of the barn. If you can forgive her then try again, but just being a third party observer here you are giving her too much power over you. She should be wooing you back and trying really hard to win your love. Is she doing that? They are still friends I believe, but there is nothing going on between them. My ex has been sleeping with another woman, but she has said she wanted to end that, but I don't think she has and I haven't asked. Yes, I gave her time and space and began living my life in the single world as best as I can with us still living together. I told her the counseling decision was on her, not me. She says she feels confused and thinks she needs to talk with someone. We did begin to sleep with one another (I know, not a good idea), but, of course, it has been amazing. I guess living with one another and the tension that brings spilled over. Also, this was the first holiday in three years we weren't together and we both missed each other. She has been affectionate, loving, kind and all of the things that I love about her. We both talked about our disappointments in one another and where we let each other down. I understand I will get ridicule for all of this. But, remarkably I have been able to keep my emotions out of it (for the most part). However, I feel like I need to stop sleeping with her and in the room with her and go back to how it was before because this is a fiasco waiting to happen. However, I guess we need to have the difficult talk on what this means. Or should I even bring it up?
saturnfell Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I could be missing a huge piece to the puzzle, but it's common for me to say "maybe she just needed some time" She did leave you, so reconciliation would not be something that could happen overnight. She would need to win you back. One thing to remember: if you care for this women, let yourself be open to the opportunity of reconciliation.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I could be missing a huge piece to the puzzle, but it's common for me to say "maybe she just needed some time" She did leave you, so reconciliation would not be something that could happen overnight. She would need to win you back. One thing to remember: if you care for this women, let yourself be open to the opportunity of reconciliation. Hey Saturn, I don't think I answered your question earlier...we were together for 3 years and we co-own a home together and that is why we are still in the same house living together. We don't have many options in this market. I care for her a lot. We had plans for our future and we both felt we were going to be together forever. Until we got caught up in the day-to-day ruts that relationships bring. I'm open to reconciliation if she is willing to put in the time and work (counseling) to make us work. I'm not sure if she is...
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I just know that she has said she regrets not going and doing everything we could to save us. Well, then she HAS TO STOP sleeping with that other woman. If she is serious about doing everything possible to save you two, then counselling is a must! Together and apart, but make sure the same therapist is used for both couples counselling and individual counselling. If you aren't sure she is willing to go do counselling with you, ask her. If she says she isn't sure, then you need to end it.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Well, then she HAS TO STOP sleeping with that other woman. If she is serious about doing everything possible to save you two, then counselling is a must! Together and apart, but make sure the same therapist is used for both couples counselling and individual counselling. If you aren't sure she is willing to go do counselling with you, ask her. If she says she isn't sure, then you need to end it. She has certainly backed off from spending time with the other woman. I don't know if they are still sleeping together, but their time together isn't as frequent. Again, I think she is confused as to what she wants. The passion is back and excellent, but there is a reason she ended things with me and that has to be addressed before moving forward. As for counseling I think she wants to talk with someone individually to figure herself out. I have found someone who deals with LGBT issues, which is a must in our situation.
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