Having a Hard Time on NC

[LavendarGirl]

Hey guys,

Okay, now's the time you need to pin me down to the chair and take away the mouse. I'm seriously wanting to break NC, which looks like we got to NC I suppose (and not LC), and I just shouldn't strike up communication with my MM anyway because I'll just sound snivvely and desperate. So can someone please kick me in the butt? Now?

 

Oh, and to share...I was preparing myself to have him contact me and beg and plead, and for me to tell him, no we need to not talk right now. And I would have my head held up high, and be hurt but dignified.

 

And did he attempt to contact me? NO! Dammit.

 

Okay, yeah, now you now my dirty little secrets. LOL.

 

--LG.

[Geishawhelk]

You dare.

You just dare do it, and we'll be down on your shoulders like a ton of bricks!

Don't do this to us!

After all the support, help and comfort we've given you, how could you even think it?

 

This will just be the end of your pride and the confirmation of your misery, you know that don't you....?

KEEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER....

PUT - THE - MOUSE - DOWN!!!!

 

Bad girl, bad!!

 

 

 

 

(is that ok?)

[LavendarGirl]

After all the support, help and comfort we've given you, how could you even think it?

 

No, that works PERFECTLY! You sound like my grandmother when she would nag. And she could make you feel soooo guilty.

 

Thank you for the perfectly timed smack upside the head. I needed that.

[Myusername]

LG

Behold the evil email. Get off the mouse, kill the urge. Email makes it so easy hah? I almost did the same thing 5 minutes ago after I got strong enough to say NO MORE, don't contact me. I was ready to send nice email, and make a fool of myself.

 

LG I have shared posts with you on other threads (I had to change my username for several reasons and computer issues). Be proud, stay strong, focus on something else, if only till the urge passes. You will feel so proud for NOT doing it. Do something else instead, make a cup of wonderful hot chocolate, or enjoy a fancy cocktail (after 5..lol) or watch a fun movie, or sing a silly song with a funny hat on...

 

OR WE WILL COME OUT THERE and pounce on that MOUSE and tell you NO GIRL NO NO NO NO NO YOU are better than that.

 

DONT GIVE IN to that urge, dont do it. Your post also came at such a time to help me control my urge. I decided when I feel really crazy and want to just send an email and it takes up my time, I instead do something else...like giving to charity and taking to focus off me for a minute. Even if its only a dollar, I send an online payment to a charity becuase that gets me out of my head and my selfish world and takes the focus away if only for a moment.

 

(((HUGS LG))))

WALK AWAY FROM THE MOUSE....no one will get harmed.

 

OR read a post on the other forum seeing how hurt BS are, and that may make you change your mind. I dont like brining up other groups here, but hell, if you need any reason to want to not contact you guy, go to a thread about the damage it causes other people. Thats a HUGE SLAP in the face, and reality inducer...

 

NO one bash me here, please. I am just trying to help LG not get in a debate about wives....

 

Myusername...

[CAMAYPARK]

Be strong, LG. You can do it. Don't give in to temptation, it will get better with time. Huggggsss

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Myusername, mysterious buddy who is in disguise...

 

Yeah, the email is evil!!! I actually had a new email box open and about to compose, when I forced myself to close the window and post on LS instead. I was thinking of writing something like "hey when you get a chance, we need to talk." Oh, slap me silly!!!!

 

Really, I think I have beat that horse dead already. I've expressed my position, that he needs to either choose his W, or leave her and choose me. It's that simple, right? I don't think talking right now will be anything more than him trying to get me to resume an A...and my trying to be manipulative in getting him to leave his W. And I don't do well as a manipulator, it's not my style!

 

Okay, so maybe now is a good time for me to clean out my closet? Knee deep in old shoes makes the mouse very difficult to reach.

[That Emotion]

Being that I'm such a n00b here, I don't know what NC and LC represent. I can only give you this piece of advice, in those weak moments you have, the ones we all have, where you just need to reach out, don't hit the send button. It's okay to type it all out, just don't hit send. Often, after you've let it out by typing, some of the weakness has waned.

 

Then, as you hesitate to hit that send button, in that moment, find a distraction. Something else to do, if only just for a minute. When you come back, you will be thinking more with your prefrontal lobe (logic center of brain) versus your amygdala (emotion center of brain) and you'll be much less likely to send anything.

 

Acting when the emotion is present often leads you to do something you would otherwise not do. Emotions come with physical symptoms. Recognizing those symptoms, knowing that you're acting during an emotional state, is the most important step. You need to make a plan then. What will you do when overcome with emotion, in those moments of weakness? Get up and walk away? Go make a sandwich? Whatever it is, you need to have a plan prepared for the striking of that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi TE,

NC is no contact and LC is limited contact. Long story short, I was in a long term on again, off again A with a MM. His intention was to leave his W, but recently began to waffle and now sits on the fence undecided. So, I am bowing out gracefully...or trying to be graceful at the very least.

 

You guys have to keep me from turning grace and elegance into pandemonium and desperation.

 

Good tips on writing the emails. Honestly I would be afraid that I'd draft up a letter, go and make a sandwich or smoothie or something, and then sit back to my desk...when suddenly out of the blue my amygdala overtakes my prefontal lobe...and BAM...the darned email got sent without my ability to control myself....

[That Emotion]

Well, I can tell you this, it sounds like you have a great sense of humor.

 

Hang tough. It ain't easy.

[LavendarGirl]

Ah yes, I laugh in the face of adversity.

 

But hey, the butt kicks are working guys, I think I'm over this morning's email writing temptation.

[mytruelove]

sorry i haven't been around over the weekend for more support. i took a little break over the holidays to get some things done and center myself a little for the new year. it was well needed and it helped.

 

anyway, not a lot of help here cause i just saw mine this morning, but...

 

the best thing i have found besides posting on here when i am feeling the way you do is to journal it. if i put it in an email lots of times i will be too tempted to hit that send button also.

 

just go nuts journaling and writing and typing to yourself. get it all out, all your feelings everything till you done worn yourself out and your not even interested in sending it or breaking no contact at that moment. i love doing it on the computer because i can pound the keys really really hard and release anger - poor computer with all the abuse from me banging the keys -lol.

 

i find it really empowering and i learn a great deal about myself, great for self awareness.

 

also great advice about giving it time to let the "raw emotion of it" as i say pass. you'll find once you do that you'll feel much differently and what is left after you let that pass is the real deal.

 

take care hon, i'll check back later. that drugged back to work thing -lol.

 

STAY STRONG AND TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!

[LavendarGirl]

Hey MTL, good to see you again. Good that you were able to take some time away for yourself and recoop.

 

Journaling is a GOOD idea! I will open up MS Word and bang away. And when I kill my keyboard, I can replace it with another for $20 at Staples. Nice, inexpensive therapy. I think I will try this today, too many thoughts are bouncing around in my brain.

[jwi71]

LG - CALL HIM NOW. EMAIL, CHAT WHATEVER BUT CONTACT HIM!!!

 

Go crawling back and beg him to to offer you more table scraps.

Go crawling back and leave whatever dignity you have behind.

Go crawling back and completely cede your life to him . then change your name to "doormat".

 

Because this time it will be different. Especially when you call and tell him:

 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Please, please come back and give a few precious moments when it suits you".

 

Because that's what I hear - little doubt he will hear any different.

 

Get it?

[Myusername]

LG

Sometimes I write mean poems, and get my agression out that way. I dont sent them, but sometimes they include vivid words...lol...and um, mean spirited feelings. It gets the anger out without me actually having to tell someone off...

 

Get yourself in a hot new pair of shoes, go out and grab a martini and show the world your greatness.....GO GIRL, get out and enjoy other people. While you are in limbo you can sure also go out and have a good time.

 

Humor always works when tears are burned out.

 

"A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says....WHY THE LONG FACE"..lol

get it, long face, a horse..lol

STAY STONG YOU FIERCE FEMALE. U CAN DO IT

myuser

[Angel1111]

Some men are very clever and know that ignoring a woman is the one thing that can have her on her knees in no time. MM in particular seem to have an instinct for this. Don't fall for it, and don't go NC in order to get a reaction out of him. Just know that you're doing this because you have to. If you don't, if you continue to be involved with him, you'll end up way more hurt than you are even now. Your ego and heart may be wounded now, but think about how wounded you'll feel if you sleep with him and he stays married. Keep doing what you're doing. It's the only way you can win here - no matter what choice he makes. Keep reminding yourself of this each time you're ready to crack.

 

And don't kid yourself into thinking that if you sleep with him and get closer to him that he'll change his life for you. If he's going to change his life, he'll do it without you risking your heart. Sleeping with him will only make him more complacent. My guess is that you'll be hearing from him. But if you crack, he'll know that you're weak and your dignity will go right out the window.

 

Of course, it is possible that he may realize that you're right, that the EA can't continue, and that he knows how much this will hurt everyone concerned. My xMM always realized that but it still didn't stop him from contacting me eventually. And in the times where we stopped talking for several months, he was hurting too but I never realized it. Just have faith in yourself and know that he's feeling more than you think. He's going to hide his feelings as best he can, though, because this is what men do.

 

But I'm a little confused. In your other post you said that he was key to your career. Why are you doing NC? That doesn't make sense. Just be polite and friendly with him. If you don't want to sever the professional tie, you'll need to learn this balance. It is tricky, though, I can warn you.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Angel,

You might be thinking of the1's thread regarding her MM and her career. No my MM situation is an on again/off again A that's gone on for 4 years now. I put the breaks on things 2 years ago because of his W and didn't see any positive outcome to our A. He resurfaced this summer wanting to leave his W and do it right this time. Only he waffled and became a fence sitter (yeah, shock shock). Hence my calling things off until/unless he leaves his W.

 

I'm in the US, he's in the military in Iraq.

 

But thank you Angel (and myusername and jwi) for the feedback. I don't want to be crawling on my knees looking desperate. If I'm going to look desperate, at least I'll have the good sense to be wearing the new shoes that myusername recommends I go out and buy (joke). I don't want to continue on as an A. I don't want his W to get hurt by allowing an A to continue. I would -love- for him to leave his W, but that's certainly nothing I can or want to force on him (and I know that sounds contradictory, I don't want the W to get hurt, and yet I want him to leave her). And I just don't want to hold his hand while he sits there in a land of utter indecision. Jeesh.

 

Okay, journaling and shoe shopping. On my list of things to do today.

[Angel1111]

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that - I got you confused with someone else. Well, your situation is much closer to mine anyway, so I know how you feel. And, yes, I'd like for him to leave his wife and for her not to be hurt, too. I wish she'd find a guy who's nuts about her so that she'd be happy. All the pain this can cause someone is just too much to take on. I think I'd be going nuts if MM were in Iraq. That must be tough. Well, I think you did great by stopping the affair, and he's obviously been thinking it over. Don't blow it now by caving in. I know it's hard but try to be strong.

[frannie]

LG, if you feel you need to talk to him, talk to him. What's the worst that can happen? I don't think there's anything particularly miraculous about NC. Do NC if its working for you. If its driving you crazy, contact him. I'm saying this because there's nothing particularly special about NC that works miracles, either for you or for him. Sometimes you need to talk, sometimes you don't. ONly you can really know what's best. Adding to the days of NC can help if you feel contact would only be bad for you, but sometimes, it's not the greatest thing.

 

And I used to be so pro-NC.

 

If he is an arse when you contact him, maybe you'll be better off hearing that. If he needs to hear from you to move things forward, maybe he'd be better hearing from you. NC doesn't cure everything.

[mytruelove]

how are you doing? i have to agree completely with frannie on the no contact. when i decide to do it - it is definitely because i need it and not him, or maybe, when we both need it. when i contact him it is because i need to, no other reason really. whatever you do, just make sure it is done out of strength and not weakness.

 

anyway, haven't heard from you in a while so wanted to check in and see how your holding up in the new year.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

[LavendarGirl]

Hi MTL and Frannie,

Thank you guys, for your post. Actually, I have talked quite a bit with him on the phone the last three days, and THANK GOODNESS I have. I was going quite mental during NC, though I do think it did help in that I needed to think and sort out my feelings, priorities, and such, and I also needed to deal with the anger, rejection, and hurt I was experiencing.

 

But, anyhoo... we talked openly and everything. He's still fence sitting, honestly, wanting to D but then weighing everything out, so really (and as I told him), he's facing that crossroads and the decision is in front of him, and not behind him. He's dealing with the guilt mostly, and also the reality of what a D entails. So, we've decided to be -whatever we are- right now, me in the US and he in Iraq pretty much rules out a PA. And I would guess, by definition the EA continues. Though I did tell him that he needs to consider what his W will feel/react if she were to find out about us (as an EA), and if he needs to, we can go LC/NC if that's necessary.

 

He's planning on talking with an IC to help him in sorting out his feelings and such.

 

I thought about everything, including my risk. I think he's worth the wait, even if he were to chose his W in the end. It's just been so long, many many years, loving him all that time. And I have never loved anyone the way I do towards him (and as I believe him when he says, it's a mutual feeling). I mean, he carried the torch during times that I walked away (at points over the course of the last 20+ years). He's asked for a couple of months work it out on his end, I think I can give him that. If the roles were reversed and I asked him to wait for me to sort things out, I know he would wait.

 

But I have told him, I don't want to resume a PA if he and his W are still together by that time (whether it's as status quo or if they are attempting to patch up their M).

 

I wish I had the eternal patience like LakeSideDreamer! Oh well, one day at a time.

 

And yeah, I know I've got it coming. You guys can skewer me now.

[Reggie]

You go girl. A man will move mountains for the woman he loves.

[Geishawhelk]

And yeah, I know I've got it coming. You guys can skewer me now.

Only if he hadn't reciprocated and you came back whingeing, wailing and whining and bemoaning your stupidity.

Nope, I think you did good, and I think the air is a bit clearer now.

Maybe that make it a bit easier to bear for you, which I hope it does.

 

Take care, happy things for 2009 and on.....

[frannie]

Hello LG. Glad to hear you're feeling better about it, having spoken to him. At least you know how slowly/not at all he's going forward . There's not a lot else you can do at the moment other than giving him time. And I think it's wise to keep in mind that it could all easily go the other way in the end anyway.

 

Good news that he's going for the IC, too. Might help him deal with some of the guilt and other issues he's facing. Did he suggest it or did you?

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Geisha and Frannie,

Yes, I do feel much, much better. I feel too that I've been able to get my point across to him so he knows where I stand. As well, I know where he stands, if it's just that he's expressed his conflicting feelings, and sounds horribly contradictory (and recognizes it). There's no mistaking it, the guy's sitting on the fence. At least between the two of us we're calling it what it is instead of dancing around the issue and ignoring it the best we can!

 

Frannie, regarding IC. Actually his W suggested that they try MC again (it's no secret to her that they are having serious problems), and he's not sure he wants to go back to MC, but had decided on his own that an IC would help him deal with the guilt and all his feelings, and he mentioned it to me (that he is going to start up with IC). I think IC is very good for him, he's never told anyone about us or the feelings he's had for me. I think it would be cathartic for him to be able to share with another person those feelings, can help him sort out quite a bit that he's kept bottled up perhaps.

[frannie]

I think it would be cathartic for him to be able to share with another person those feelings, can help him sort out quite a bit that he's kept bottled up perhaps.

 

I think that's true. My MM had only been able to talk to a few of our friends about the situation, and of course not in detail about his feelings. He said that IC was immensely helpful for him in picking apart what was going on for him. Of course a year later he's still married, but there you go!