Ezekiel1337 Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I have been in a relationship with a girl ive been with for 3 1/2 years. A very long time considering my age, 21. I have had relationships before this girl, but none this serious. I did things for this girl i never dreamed i would do for anyone. I sacrificed my time, my friends, my family, my career, my grades... all to make her a better person. She has grown up in a messed up family. Her real mother died of alchohol poisoning when she was 10, and a few years later her dad married an even worse woman. A drug addict step mom, who leaves at least once a month to do drugs and cheat on her husband, and the wierd thing is her father WANTS this woman back. Not just that, but he picks that woman over my girlfriend (yes she is still my girlfriend but not for long) and her brothers. He will buy his slut of a wife a dodge charger to do nothing at home, because she has no job or responsibilites, before he buys a crappy car for her to get to college so she can finish her nursing degree. Anyways, back to whats going on. I have been trying to finish my pre-med degree, and our plan has always been to go to san anotonio texas so that i can attend medical school there while she attends college to finish her nursing degree. Now, we have had a smooth relationship for a long while. She has been my lover and best friend for many many years. There is nothign i wouldnt do for her. I have given her a ride to everywhere and everything, no questions asked. With all of the above said problems in her family, it is obvious she has her own problems. She has always been very clingy and has used me to be all of the above that she never had. A father, a brother, and cousin, a mother, a boyfriend, a husband, whatever... ive had to play that role. Well, ive tried real hard to push her to be independant. And that came with a price. NOw that shes in college and becoming more independant, the problems are starting. Like i said before, i have been an exceptional boyfriend. Nothing but supportive. She is beautiful, and everyone knows it. She gets hit on all the time. I try to take it as a complement. Well, she was gunu get a new job so she could save up for her car that she needed for work and school. I was hesitant, because of the kind of people that worked, there, but im always supportive. She gets the job. Were fine for a while, and like i expected, guys are hitting on her, the people that work there at least. She puts up with it for a while, until one morning i call her and i can tell shes not where she says she is. I just finished a final, at least this happened on my last final, and i call her on her lie. She doesnt answer my call for a bit and I find out after the 30th call that she was at some guys house. Now i know when shes lying, and she wasnt cheating on me. On top of that im a pre med, when someone lies, their pupils will dilate and their heart rate will increase, may be accompanied by a red face. Stuterring and starring into different directions will also be present. So, none of the above were evident. So she didnt cheat on me. BUT, she starts telling me how we have been falling apart for a while now. That was news to me because nothing was wrong, litterally, with our relationship. She tried to pin it on my father, and how he hates her (he doesnt like her, but he doesnt hate her) and how i spend a lot of time with my studies. Yea... im going to med school, i kind of have to. Well, im an intelectual, im not an idiot. I know whats going on. Some guy that works with her is saying all the right things at the right time. And her being a youngster, is to nieve to understand what most men want. Plus, this guy couldnt possibly be better than a bar tender at this restraunt, because the two managers are real old. I dont know what she sees here. Anyway. I get crushed for a few days. But she comes back to me. She says that everything reminds her of me, and that she doesnt want to make the biggest mistake of her life. She tells the guy to screw off and we spend about a week going on dates, but not smothering each other. Things are going great, or so i think. We spend christmas together, we go to eachtothers families, we give eachother presents. Plus, i can tell when shes BSing, and what we felt was real. Well... now i go on a vacation of 3 days to mexico for a Quincenera. First two days roll by fine, besides the fact that she went to a party without telling me. But i trust her, at least i want to believe i do. Its the last night plus last night that really made this all go to hell. THe last night im in mexico, i call and call and call. She finally answers at 12 midnight saying she just got out and that shes on the way home. But, she says shell talk to me tommorow. She never does that. So i know somethings up. I call later, and send several texts. I get, within the span of 3 hours, 2 texts saying shes ok and that shell talk to me in a bit. Well, her phone turns off that night. I fall asleep with a heart attack almost, wondering whats going on a world away. The next morning she answers and says she crashed out while trying to text me. I want to believe it so i do. Now i get back, and i havnt seen her in 3 days, and she doesnt even stop by to say howd it go. She says shes so tired, that shes heading home to sleep. I say ok, but im skeptical. I drive by, after an hour of texting her asking her whats wrong and her telling me that this whole fixing the relationship idea might not be working. Well i drive by her house, and of coarse her car isnt there. I call her on her lie, and she wont answer the phone for a while, nor my texts. She finally tells me shes with some girls from work and that shell talk to me tommorow. If she was, why couldnt she just tell me she was going out? ANyways, after literally emotionally setting myself on self destruct for a few hours, she texts me and says sorry for worrying me, that she Still loves me and will call me in the morning, she promises. Why must she play with me like this, just do it already. I dont want to hope for this anymore. I just want to know. I dont want to pretend this will get better. IM not going to be the idiot waiting for her to get over her little phase. I have turned down numerous attractive women for her. It just hurts to think about the decision we both need to make. I have been a god to her, and she is treating me worse than the rug i wipe the mud off my shoes with. Help guys.... whats going on... what do i do? Im so young, i dont know whats out there. IM so hessitant to take the dive off into the deep end.
canadian_banana Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Alright, you need to cool it with the jealousy! Reading what you wrote already makes me feel smoothered, and I'm not even the girlfriend, I can only imagine what she feels. There is nothing more annoying than having a great night of partying, only to be interrupted by a text from your over protective boyfriend. If that's not a mood killer, I don't know what is. To top it off, her friends are probably talking about your over protectiveness and making her doubt the relationship further. The last thing you want is to be that "guy". You need to understand that you are not her father, brother etc and do not have any type of dominating role over her. You are her boyfriend, her equal. You need to trust that she would not cheat on you, it is not your place to prevent her from doing it. Guys hit on girls, that's a fact that all girls quickly learn. We know it doesn't mean anything and most of us don't let it get to our heads. Smart girls know which guys will pull through for us, and which ones are only looking for ass. Since your gf is in college, i trust she is smart enough to get this. By the sounds of what you're describing right now, she loves you but just wants you to back off a little bit. Don't text her more than once while she is out. And that text should not be anymore than, "hope you're having fun" or "I love you". It should not be anything accusatory or overly inquisitive because it will only piss her off. The hottest trait in a guy is total confidence. When you emotionally break down like that and become over protective, it only indicates that you are insecure, which is a turn off. I know it's tough watching her go out and having to deal with the fact that she might leave you, but millions of other guys deal with this fact and are 100% comfortable with it. For example, my boyfriend has never once been worried about me at a party, or texted me more than once while I am out. I love the fact that he trusts me and I respect him for it because I know it can be hard to do when I am dressed in a short skirt and out to a club. She says she loves you, what more do you want? Just believe her and you'll be okay.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 I disagree with the above post. I think small things like replying to texts and saying you'll phone are just common courtesies are needed in a relationship. It's the little things that count and when the little things aren't working they build into larger problems. The fact she said she'd call you and didn't or can't tell you where she is and lies about yes is suspicious. Doesn't mean she is cheating but does mean she needs to respect your feelings. You say when she was clingy you were there for her so why can't she text back and return a call now?
BikerBeagle Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 i call and call and call I call later, and send several texts. after an hour of texting her I call her on her lie, and she wont answer the phone for a while, nor my texts Help guys.... whats going on... what do i do? Sheez, who's the clingy one again? I like how you take credit for everything that is 'good' about your girlfriend and blame everything 'bad' on someone else. Narcissistic much? Your girlfriend is getting older and realizing there's more to life than her hateful father and over-controlling, over-protective boyfriend. She's getting some independence - which probably has way more to do with her getting a job and a car than it ever does with how 'exceptional' you've been to her - and she wants to see where those wings will take her. I imagine you will be hearing the "I need space" speech pretty soon. If you really, truly, unselfishly love her, you will let her go ...completely. And, I don't say that lightly ...it's going to hurt, badly -first loves always do- but don't be pathetic and beg/plead with her ...just let her go. Take some time to concentrate on your education, date other people, and mature a lot.
lkjh Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Dude no offense but you are naive. For starters not all people dilate there pupils and turn red when they lie. These are symptoms of your sympathetic nervous system kicking in not lying. If she is ok with lying she wouldn't do this. Sounds like she was doing something she shouldn't and you may be more into her then she is to you. Judging by her past Im gonna say she is a risky choice for a girlfriend.
EmperorR Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 It already seems like shed detaching sorry man.
peacebyinches Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 Dude you're going to med school one day. Women love doctors. Shake it off. Easier said than done and I just spent the last 2 weeks going crazy over the loss of who I thought was my soul mate but...........Happens everyday. Hurts I know but why would you want someone that ignores you etc. etc. Want some reality? This may help. When you are blowing her up her and her friends are probably either: A. Laughing at you. B. Talking about what a stalker you are. C. This is the kicker. I'll tell a short story. This may be happening to you too. One time I met this girl in a club. I took her home. I ****ed her every which way from Sunday. Did it in the butt everything. Then when we were done she had 7 missed calls. She called "him" (her words) and said Im at Krista's house I had too much to drink and couldn't drive. He was a great guy too. Loved her to death. Even joined the military so they could have a future. Take realities slap in the face and focus on you and your dignity man.
Author Ezekiel1337 Posted December 29, 2008 Author Posted December 29, 2008 Well, i talked to her today, after she ignored my calls for a while. Well, i decided to break up with her, i know she was just waiting for me to, at least it sounded that way. But she made me mad enough throughout this whole ordeal that i feel less pain than i did the first time. There is never a right time for this to happen, but im glad its during my semester break. Next semester im going to concentrate heavily on my studies. Well, i know when shes lying, and she really was with her friends. She hasnt cheated on me, at least that. And in response to someone up there talking about how im over protectivce, this woman would scream at another girl looking at me. OR threaten to kill her. She wouldnt even let me talk to my friends that are girls for a long time. Hence, i have no friends that are girls now. Well, i feel good today, i want to revel in that while it lasts. I know it wont for long, as soon as everything starts reminding me of her... then ill start hurting. For the mean time, i put all her gifts and letters in a box in the attic. That way i wont run into it later. Anyways, we'll see how this goes. But im just very dissapointed with how immature she was about this. I had to break up with her, she just kept lying to me and ignoring me because she "didnt want to hurt me." She doesnt realize she was hurting me more by just running around and ignoring me. Anyways, someone up there was right... im going to be a F*&(*ING doctor. There will be more. What i really have a hard time letting go of, is that i took this girls virginity, so im pretty attatched to her. Just the thought of some other dude on her makes me want to puke, so instead, ill just play games all day long to occupy my mind. My family is from mexico, these american relationships are so f'd up. She has a utopian mentality of the perfect relationship. With no problems and where the passion lasts forever. The same as all americans who divorce because "they are unhappy." I got with her when she was 15, this was going to happen, i just wanted to pretend it wouldnt. But, tough sh*t. Ill go to the bar on new years, and we'll see what happens. Mabey ill get over it sooner than i expect.
Ratherunique Posted December 29, 2008 Posted December 29, 2008 My ex showed similar signs at her new job. A lot of guys were hitting on her. The best thing you can do is just let her be. If the female is really loyal to you, she won't stray no matter how much d#@ck is in her face. When I caught my ex in a lie, she couldn't even give a legitimate excuse. Walk away with your pride, go NC....SILENCE TRULY IS GOLDEN.
saturnfell Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 Ok, so the two of you are no longer together. I think you need time to get over this. You're already talking about going to the bar on New Years. Well, I don't think you're ready for that because you are deeply hurt by all of this. Everything you wrote says so. I think instead of thinking of drinking and the next lady who crosses your path, you should take 'you' time and think for awhile. Give yourself time to heal. As far as your 'lying diagnosis' I have to agree with one of the others who posted regarding this. Not all people react the same and not all people show symptoms as others would. People can be having a major medical issue and not present at all. I work in the medical field, not all signs are visable.
Author Ezekiel1337 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 I can tell when this girl lies. I don't rely on just the medical signs of lying. That's how i figured out she wasn't where she was at to begin with. But i didnt get that vibe when i called her out on the cheating thing. Anyways, i was crushed when she first did this to me 2 weeks ago. I was so devastated, it was like i was going through a bad flu. Worse, like heroin withdrawal. But, shes been really beating me up emotionaly, my heart was torn to shreds for the last 3 days, leaving her felt so much more relieving than painful. Its like now i dont have to worry about what shes doing. Because at least shes not lying to me anymore. She has NEVER lied like this, EVER! We were the most stable faithful couple of our age group that i could think of. To see her act like this was more painful than letting her go. I dont want my memory of her be the girl who was so heartless, that even the man she said she loved for 3 1/2 years wasnt worth enough to be truthful to. I spoke with her very truthfully today. I let her know that i dont want to be friends, but i dont want to be enemies. I dont hate her, but i dont feel the same anymore. This was emotionally decapitating to me. I'm sure this will sink in later. But for right now, im just glad i dont have to wonder whether she will answer or whether she really is where she says she is. I feel so much better than i did 2 weeks ago when she pulled the rug out from under my feet. She is so decided, that she can go to parties and s**t. I will to. I dont want to be walloing in my room all day while shes having fun. Plus, i dont want to be the idiot boyfriend who is just waiting for her to come back. It doesnt work like that with me. American relationships are like that, at least a lot are. One person in the relationship totally abuses the other emotionally and goes out to "be happy" and comes back and when they find out it's not what they thought it would be, they come back and of coarse, the submissive abandonee is more than willing to take them back. Not me, i will not be a b*&ch. The thing about this girl is, she has so many problems, so much going on in her life... that she always talked to me about these problems. BEcause no one else will listen. A guy can pretend to care about these problems only for so long, and because they dont understand these problems they will sooner or later become just annoyed. This happens with every one of her friends. Which is why she only has the friends she has at work, because they're new. But ive seen this happen for 3.5 years now. Every one of her friends just stops calling because she is to much to handle. Guy or girl. She has to many problems, and is to vocal about it. NOt just that, but the problems she has at home with her folks always leave her completly screwed. She gets kicked out because of the drug addict step mom for the dumbest reasons (like i said before, her dad picks his slut over his kids.) Anyways, they take her car and activley seek to get in her way. I have always been there to support and comfort her in those situations. When we spoke today, it was very clear that she could not understand what i was talking about when i said i have gone above and beyond what i would normally do for a person. And i know for a fact, and my therapist thinks so to (not to be giving me the benefit of the doubt but its true) that as soon as **** hits the fan (like it does every 2 weeks), and people are just not willing to listen to this crap, (that sometimes even I COULDNT stand but did so out of love), she will understand what exactly it was that i did for her. But right now, i dont want her back. Hopefully this feeling lasts for a while. Someone up there was saying that it was MY CHOICE to be her mother, father, brother, etc. Absolutley not. I was forced to play these roles due to the fact that all of the above were not there for her. Ever. Her father is not a father, her brothers are all f'd up. Mom dead, current mom drug addict. She has no one. And in the relationship i had to be all of those roles. I did not want to do it, i was forced to do it. Everyone around me knew that this was not good for me to do. But i didnt listen, i thought i was helping. But, unfortunatly this relationship became one of need, more than it was of love. For her at least. She needed me, but now that she doesnt... she is going out to experience the world for herself. And that is ok. But, i will not be there as a cruth like i have been for 3.5 years anymore.
Author Ezekiel1337 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Ok, so the two of you are no longer together. I think you need time to get over this. You're already talking about going to the bar on New Years. Well, I don't think you're ready for that because you are deeply hurt by all of this. Everything you wrote says so. I think instead of thinking of drinking and the next lady who crosses your path, you should take 'you' time and think for awhile. Give yourself time to heal. As far as your 'lying diagnosis' I have to agree with one of the others who posted regarding this. Not all people react the same and not all people show symptoms as others would. People can be having a major medical issue and not present at all. I work in the medical field, not all signs are visable. Just so you know, yes, i am crushed by this. But i am better than i was before when this first happened. Good enough to function at least.
Recommended Posts