Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 And an additional thought... ...the comment about "no one in their right mind goes full NC with their colleagues"... This is precisely why most therapists and counselors will recommend a JOB CHANGE as a result of infidelity in the office. These are all point blank results of this kind of behavior in the work place. And the OP here may well find herself facing a similar choice in her future...as a direct result of her choices to have an affair in the office.
Author the1 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Posted December 30, 2008 Thanks for comments, esp. Angel and jj who sound understanding better. This is nothing but a pure EA and it is not with a superior but just someone who can and is willing to help in career. I am not sure if he will still help if I break the R but I don't believe he'll deliberately make trouble for me. The point is rather, I myself don't feel like to ask him for help once I end the R, so that means ending the R is to create inconvenience (careerwise) for myself. Now some say why can't you work hard to forward your career by yourself? Well the world is not fair and in many cases power and capability are not in the same hands. A capable but powerless person may well end up needing the help of a less capable but more powerful person's help - who, in turn, needs the other's talents. Another factor is that as long as I am in contact with him he is content, but I don't like that. A total NC will be best for my own feelings, but not desirable work-wise. I am just trying to seek answers to what's the best way to deal with such situation. Keeping the R is not an option for me, but what's the best way to end it with minimum negative consequence? There is a post by brothelmaiden which I don't understand at all. What is meant by "by one blow job at a time"?
Owl Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 I am just trying to seek answers to what's the best way to deal with such situation. Keeping the R is not an option for me, but what's the best way to end it with minimum negative consequence? There isn't. If you want to end the affair, you have to end contact with him. Some may tell you otherwise, but my years of posting on this and other forums have shown me that to continue contact will only continue the affair. JJ may tell you otherwise, but she'll also admit that she's maintained feelings for her MM with whom she's continued contact with for the last year for business reasons. Continued contact=continuation of those feelings=continuation of the affair. You're hoping for a magic cure that will end the affair without any negative repercussions. Stop hunting unicorns. You'll starve. Negative repercussions were a predetermined outcome the moment you crossed the line with him. Sorry if I don't seem sympathetic...I am. But I'm also realistic. So you lose out on advice from him, career-wise. Just exactly how career-limiting will that truly be? As I said...accept this as a 'learning experience'...go NC, and drive on.
jj33 Posted December 30, 2008 Posted December 30, 2008 If he is not your superior, then just forget it. Just be polite when you have to see him and leave it at that. There is nothing more or less to do. If he questions you just say you like him but he is married and the other stuff is not appropriate. He will get that and if he doesnt who cares? Anyone who gives you a hard time about leaving an affair is a creep. Just forget him if he doesnt act like a gentleman. And dont even think about the potential professional perks - anyone who isnt a gentlman isnt really going to assist you anyway. Someone who believes in you professionally will be there regardless of whether you flirt with him. Its good for his career to back good people.
brothelmaiden Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 There is a post by brothelmaiden which I don't understand at all. What is meant by "by one blow job at a time"? You're not too bright. Looks like you will need this male coworker after all. Nothing sickens me more than a loose female colleague with your level of scruples (or lack thereof).
herenow Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 This is nothing but a pure EA and it is not with a superior but just someone who can and is willing to help in career. I am not sure if he will still help if I break the R but I don't believe he'll deliberately make trouble for me. The point is rather, I myself don't feel like to ask him for help once I end the R, so that means ending the R is to create inconvenience (careerwise) for myself. Now some say why can't you work hard to forward your career by yourself? Well the world is not fair and in many cases power and capability are not in the same hands. A capable but powerless person may well end up needing the help of a less capable but more powerful person's help - who, in turn, needs the other's talents. Another factor is that as long as I am in contact with him he is content, but I don't like that. A total NC will be best for my own feelings, but not desirable work-wise. So, if you stay in contact with him, it will help you in your career, but if you don't stay in contact, it won't hurt you. Now, I really don't see any reason why you can't go NC. If you continue contact with him, it will only be so you can benefit from whatever it is he can do to help you in your career. You say in your quote that there are other talents the more "powerful person (MM)" needs from the more "capable person (you). What are those talents that you have and he needs? I still say that if you are good at what you do and work as hard as you can, you will be able to get ahead on your own. If you only succeed because some MM is willing to help you in exchange for an EA, what will you do when he either decides that he wants a PA or wants to go NC with you? IMO, you are using this "career" thing as justification to keep the EA going. To put your career in the hands of a MM who is willing to deceive his own wife is a very big gamble. If he doesn't respect his marriage, then why would he care at all about your career. He will do what is best for him and if that means that your career goes in the garbage, so be it. Take responsibility for your own life and career and go NC with this MM. Why would you depend on anyone, much less a MM, to help you succeed?
Author the1 Posted December 31, 2008 Author Posted December 31, 2008 herenow, I hear you. You are right. Thank you.
wav Posted January 1, 2009 Posted January 1, 2009 You're not too bright. Looks like you will need this male coworker after all. Nothing sickens me more than a loose female colleague with your level of scruples (or lack thereof). LOL, who is this brothel woman? you are making a fool of yourself here.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I think that most men don't even consider EA an actual A, so she's probably fine. I agree with this... but... they do consider it a potential affair. Tread carefully, there's not much you can't achieve with the potential for a piece of a$$. I'ld keep my emotions out of it, and be sweet and flirty as ever to get ahead. No shame... women have used this tactict for years.. the key word being used... doesn't work if YOU are too invested.
torranceshipman Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Dont EVER pull the sweet n flirty card to get ahead. Thats one hell of a sell out. Use your generic charm (i.e. professional ability to act appropriately in all situations), intelligence, networking ability and hard work ethic to get where you want to go. You'll always be known as the girl who flirted and used her sexuality to get ahead and that sucks-there will also be a ceiling to where you can get to if you limit yourself like you are doing. Believe me there is more than one person out there who can help you and also, you can do it on your own until a person who genuinely wants to help you for altruistic reaosns comes along. How great when a person helps you because they BELIEVE in you, not because they think they can get in your panties.
Author the1 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Perhaps it is because the vast majority on these boards have physical involvements, so some of the responses are not to the point in this case (but I do appreciate your taking the time to give input). Like I said from the beginning this was an EA only, no physical factor even in a remote possibility. Well, in fact even this EA is a very subtle one.... One thing important to clarify: even if I break it completely it is possible he may still be willing to help if I ask for. Like I said above it is simply because I myself do not like to ask him for help once I decided to end and break it completely. That is why it presents me with this dilemma. It is a fight with myself: to break or not to break (answer must be yes), to ask for help or not to ask for help (answer??).
torranceshipman Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 But you are really missing the principle here - YOU may be thinking o, this is only an EA, but the suggestion is of more. That is the whole premise of this interchange between you two. The 'more' may not ever happen or may be off limits in your mind but it isnt necessarily in his, and you are essentially stringing him along a little bit, or at least using flirty feminine ways in order to get this help. So ask yourself - is this help really worth the price tag it comes with? I wont ever need work help this bad and I'd forego the promotion or new contract (despite being incredibly ambitious) before I'd ever consider a little suggestion of more or a little ego massaging of a guy to get where I need to go in a work based setting. You might be fine with it and I'm 100% not judgemental of that as its all what fits each person best, but you need to work out if this violates any of your principles. If it doesnt fine, go ahead, and if it does, step out and dont use your sexuality in any way to get ahead at work.
jj33 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Grow up. Are you really willling to prostitute yourself for the potential of business help? You are WILLINGLY staying in this situation in case you need his help in the future? That is really sad. I cant even believe this is a question. If you feel you want to use your feminine wiles to get attention in the workplace that is up to you, but really is that how you want to get ahead? It typically backfires on women. Even if you dont do anything "wrong" if people THINK you are getting ahead because you are being flirtatious, it could come back to haunt you.
jwi71 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 the1, My advice is to quit and sign on with a competitor. It is fantastically difficult to end an EA when you have routine contact with your affair partner. We get this confluence of needs - professional needs that apparently only HE can satisfy coupled with emotional ties that only HE meets. So you keep going back and the EA continues and gets deeper. Its a bad recipe for you having the potential to ruin both your career and your "personal" life. I would give long and serious thought about seeking a raise and promotion (or even a straight lateral shift) with the competition.
Author the1 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 jwi71, thank you for the positive advice. In fact I have come to think along this line for a while, more and more, only that it seems to be kind of uphill battle so to speak (which is why I posted here to seek opinions and advice). But honestly to think back - which I have been all these days as the New Year approached, I have realized that while he could have helped me much more, he has not: the nature and degree of the help he did provide tells me (now that I have waken up, thank God) that he did not help me for my own sake but to keep me around to make him happy (just seeing me and my falling for him makes him happy). It is very, very possible that he will not care on bit if my "career went garbage" as someone above said. In short, I should keep reminding myself: while he was and will be able to help me in certain ways, he has not and there is no reason to think he will in the future. I have not been so important to him as he was to me - a fact I was totally blind to. He helps only out of his self interest.
Author the1 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Ah, one more thing. I should have mentioned this. As I hinted in one reply, it is not just he can help me, but I can and did give him professional help, which he needed! In fact my help to him was much more substantial than his to me, and it took me more to help him than it did him to help me. He was very ungrateful, by the way, and that really outraged me and woke me up. The reason I am posting this is, again, to see what your opinions or suggestions are regarding this: in my indecision whether to break up and go complete NC, there is this factor, i.e. in my mind I want to get it even: if I go complete NC then there is no chance to get him to repay me for what I have done for him, not emotionally but professionally. He owes me professional debt. Of course, if I do not go NC, there is no guarantee that I can get it 'even'. Advice welcome.
torranceshipman Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Just go NC and get the man out of your life for good. There is nothing heslthy or positive about this situation. You gave the guy lots of help and he wasnt even thankful for it, and you've already said that he could have extended help you and chose not to. I dont get how an EA could even have occurred here as it doesnt sounds like you two even get on!!! Clearly he doesnt respect you and is not a friend who has your best interests at heart, so just walk away.
jj33 Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Get over it. Nothing is "even" in life except an arms length sale and even then people often feel they are paying more or receiving less than they should. I have helped xMM FAR more than he has helped me. He continues to be arrogant etc in many ways. But so what? Am I going to demand that do more for me to even the score? No. That is not how business is done. How old are you anyway? If you dont think someone is doing for you, you hold back and STOP doing for them. You must have had a reason at the time to do whatever it was for him. If he didnt respond properly then he gets no more assistance. You cant force someone to be your ally. And you cant force someone to make their actions match their words or what they want you to think is their intent. Indeed perhaps he has played you - pretending that if you are sweet to him he will be on your side when really, he just wanted you to be on side for business. Has that ever occured to you? Maybe he realized how much YOU were enjoying his attentions and used that to get your patronage? Just stop the madness. Interact with him to the extent that you need to and let the rest go.
brothelmaiden Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 LOL, who is this brothel woman? you are making a fool of yourself here. LOL! Not as much as the who#$ who posted this thread in the first place..
wav Posted January 6, 2009 Posted January 6, 2009 LOL! Not as much as the who#$ who posted this thread in the first place.. LOL. Thy name sayth it all.
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